Gearing up for the new year

I'm stressed out that I don't have some sort of plan in place for the new year.

1,000 Calories/day? Less?
Running "x" amount of miles?
Drinking more water?
Drinking less alcohol HAHAHAHA! Jokes.

I need to pick something. I started out last year well, and held to it pretty nicely until about May. The rest of the year was basically one big plateau. But I'm starting 2017 significantly smaller than 2016 so I consider that a win. I'm not where I want to be though and that's where I need to get my act together. Only a few days left of 2016.

Successfully social

I went out for dinner and drinks at a local brewery last night. Luckily Husband and I ordered two dishes to split, and a squash salad. I love when we share things because he has no real concept of how much I actually ate. I managed to do a lot of picking and very little actual eating. I did have three beers and would be happier if I had stopped at one or even two, but we all know how terrible I am at restricting alcohol. And at least I hadn't eaten since the smoothie I had for breakfast.

After dinner/drinks our friends invited us out to a party where there would be more food and drinking, but fortunately Husband was as tired as I was so we left the bar and were home and in bed by 8:45!

Small victories, but I'll take them.

Cuppa

Today's intake:

3 cups of coffee

5 cups of tea

1 Banana

Thursday's plan for going out to eat worked pretty well except I of course had 2 beers (worst part is, this is better than the 3 I often have) and 2 cheese curds. 

Friday I only had a few bites of things here and there but then had a glass of bourbon egg nog and 3 whiskey sours at night. 

Saturday I didn't eat all day because I knew I had Husband's work Christmas party, where I ate some raw veggies, a small piece of baked chicken and a dinner roll..... And drank a double scotch and 3 beers.

My food intake is so much easier to control than my drinking. I'd be dropping weight quickly I'm sure if I could quit the booze. Or even cut it in half. 

Social eating

I need to re-work my strategies. 

Losing weight was so easy before I was married and wasn't expected to have regular meals with some one I care about. And I really don't want him to notice my lack of eating. I have to say I'm envious of those of you who want people to notice. It's hard to actually lose anything when people are watching and I don't want them to think I'm trying to lose weight. It's easier to ignore food altogether when I'm hungry than to sit down and try to eat a modest portion. I end up way over-eating. 

Some thoughts on how to handle this.

Eating more slowly/Stopping when they stop - Slowing down would be tough, as I am already a slow eater. Even at a pace that feels ravenous to me, I'm still usually the last one done eating, so I am used to having every one watch me keep eating. I think what I need to do is consciously make the effort to realize when Husband or whomever else I'm sharing a meal has finished eating and just stop there. Don't keep going. 

Make/order things that are easy to pick at - A burger gets relatively scarfed. Salad can be pushed around a plate. Even fries can be picked at and stacked and moved around while not actually being consumed. 

A good friend of mine is one of the skinniest people I know, and she's very strategic. I pay close attention. Every one thinks she eats a lot and is magically skinny, but watching her habits, she's really quite genius. 

Example: We went out to eat the other night (her, her husband, my husband, and I) and she ordered a meal called the "plowman's picnic", which comes with a bunch of options for what to order. She decided to do soup, salad, and a large pretzel. She ordered the chicken chili for her soup, and when that came she stirred it for a while, took one small bite and then gave it to her husband, remarking that it was "too spicy". He then took a bite and stated that it wasn't spicy at all. She insisted it was for her. Easy to get away with because I would also add, she's pregnant. Then when our meals came out (various sandwiches, mine being a black bean burger) her salad and pretzel were on the plate together, dressing and dipping sauce on the side. She pulled apart the pretzel and picked at her salad. Added no dressing to her salad, never saw her actually take a bite of the pretzel, didn't even finish the salad. It still looked like she ate. She's good. 

Going to make a public attempt tonight. There is a beer event tonight at a burger place (that has the best veggie burger in the area) so I'm going to try to stick to one beer (damn you alcohol!) and only eat half of the veggie burger and 5 fries. If I get in a good run today and only consume the smoothie I made this morning, I should be okay. 

Thanksgiving. Every year.

Well, Thanksgiving was a total shit show. In terms of food, that is. Visiting with family was nice, but I came home at 164 lbs. Jeez. It was just 5 straight days of food. GOt home late Sunday night. I had nothing but black coffee and raw ACV in warm water yesterday until dinner (would've loved to have skipped that but ah, the perils of being married), which was simple as I had zero appetite from stuffing my face for so many days. I plan to do the same today. I already woke up today at 160 so I know a lot of the weight gain was just bloating, but that's really not much better than fat gain except that it's easier to lose. I'm excited we aren't traveling for Christmas. We have no family in the area so there will not be nearly as much face stuffing as occurs when we are "in from out of town". I've basically been the same weight since May, which is not okay.

I also didn't run while I was gone. Too many food/drinking events and late nights. I thought this would mean I would come back and have all kinds of energy to run off what I consumed, but my left IT band is screaming tight from sitting in the car for 30 hours of traveling and when I tried to run yesterday I wound up with horrific knee pain after about 1 mile. So that was a bust. So instead I have been trying to burn calories by cleaning my house and decorating for Christmas.

Good ending to a disaster day.

I made beer yesterday at my brewery job. I thought I would be in the clear as it's a busy job and I was on my own so I could keep moving and eat little to none. I made a smoothie in the morning and packed a small salad for lunch. Shortly after getting there however, my friend who works upstairs brought in a box of fucking Krispy Kreme doughnuts (not even delicious. ugh.) and left them in my work area. He said "here, these are for any one". Had it been just a single doughnut for me, I would've tried to wait until he left, and thrown it in the trash, but since they were for "every one" I tried to leave them on the counter. I tried to ignore them. As long as I didn't open the box, I was in the clear. I ended up eating TWO doughnuts later in the day when a co-worker showed up and started eating them. Shortly thereafter, one of the guys from the pizza place next door brought me a slice of pizza. Fuck. In an effort to be polite, I ate the majority of it, but he had to leave and go back to work before I finished the whole thing so I threw the rest in the trash. This was still significantly more garbage than I had anticipated eating. 

I was dreading whatever our Friday night plans might be so when I got home I went for a 4 mile run and then took the dog to the park to run around for a bit, even though I hadn't sat down all day and my legs were a little tired, I needed to do at least a little damage control especially because Friday nights usually involve a lot of food and beer. 

But then, lucky me! Husband had plans that didn't involve me, so I was able to skip dinner and go to bed at 8pm! So if I figure I ran off the doughnuts and the rest of my intake for the day was the smoothie, two-thirds of a slice of pizza and a few bites of salad, it's not as terrible of a day as it could have been. 

Husband is working this morning, so that gets me out of breakfast and possibly lunch but I do have two social events tonight that involve food. If Husband wasn't going with, that would make it easy: Not eat at the first event to "save room" for the second one, and then lie claim I already ate at the first one to get out of eating at the second one. But it won't be that simple. 

My body is stressed.

I need to take a break from running. Not a large break. But maybe a week.

My body is so sore. I did a shit job of recovering from that race. Too much running, not enough food. As a consequence, I'm retaining something. I stepped on the scale today (ugh, mid-month) and was 157.5. I'm not losing anything, which really is to be expected. I'm still running close to 50 miles every week, not eating enough (and the food I do eat is garbage), only sleeping a couple of hours every night, work is incredibly stressful right now, I drink too much. My cortisone is likely through the roof and my body is holding on to everything. I have an event to go to tomorrow night and Saturday night so I neeeed to be running the next couple of days. The event tomorrow is the opening of a friend's bakery/brewery and the event is terrifyingly titled "Carbs Gone Wild" because it's all bread and beer. There is no way in hell I'm not running off those carbs. And of course next week is Thanksgiving. Yikes!

But I think starting after Thanksgiving, for one week I am going to not run and try very hard to not drink alcohol. Hopefully cutting out the alcohol for a week will give my body a chance to hydrate and keep my calories down to offset the lack of running. Not that I'm going to be stagnant. I'll still do some yoga and at least walk the dog to the park. I'll keep moving. I have to. But let my running muscles have a little breather because it's damn near impossible to lose any weight when my body is this stressed.

Fifty kilometers

I finished the 50k. It took me more than 8 hours, but I finished it. The trails were very steep, and I knocked out the first 20k in under two and a half hours but I slowed quite a bit after that. I wasn't really properly conditioned for it, but I finished and that's what counts I guess.

I managed to eat a lot Friday night through Saturday. I felt disgusting. I can't remember the last time I was so full. I haven't had a true binge in a while, but I have had some large meals here and there, though those large meals are only ever one meal. It's not 36 hours of basically stuffing my face.

The other challenge has been eating for a couple of days after the race. My legs are still a little sore and I know it's important to keep carb and protein intake up post-race in order to recover, but that has been even more challenging than eating beforehand. At least I knew I was going into a major calorie burn. Eating now feels like a waste. I've been walking since but have been a little too sore for running the past couple of days (though I know a short little run the day after can help soothe muscles) but I think I am up for a few miles today. I don't have to work today so I have some time to do things.

A few more days of struggle

Today I should begin carb loading.

Sunday I have a 50k. I want to enjoy it. I want to finish it. For the past couple of weeks I had been looking forward to these few days because I knew I would be giving myself permission to eat basically anything and everything, knowing I will need nearly 5,000 Calories in my system on Sunday (granted, some of that can be stored fat - oh that all of it could be - and some of it can be eaten the day of) but in order to make it through I know I also need stored glycogen which I should be getting now. I should also be resting because I injured my back two weeks ago and it has been getting better but I'm not at 100% yet, so really I should be resting and eating.

I made a smoothie for myself this morning. It had Kashi plant-based protein, banana, strawberries, raspberries, spirulina, peanut butter and flax milk. It was around 300 Calories, and I should have just let it nourish my system. Instead I went out and ran 3 miles to get the 300 Calories out. How am I supposed to store nutrients if I insist on burning them immediately?

The problem is, I know I have been making progress, and I want to keep making progress. I'm anxious to break back down into the 140's (geez, I can't believe I'm so big I think 140's is an accomplishment) and while the rational part of my mind knows I won't throw it all down the drain by eating and resting for three days and then running 31 miles on Sunday, I still can't bring myself to do it. It's too terrifying.

Narrow miss

Tonight was supposed to kick off four straight evenings of food-centered social events. Fortunately (sorry dear friend) the children of our friends whose house we were supposed to be going to tonight are sick so they had to cancel. That's one less calorie-packed evening. I might be able to pull off one night of "not feeling very well" throughout the weekend, which only brings me down to two major food/drink events. I'm trying to run up a very large deficit today and tomorrow. I already ran off 600 calories today, and it's nice and cool out so it will be easy to bike to and from work. Between that and the running I should be at about 1,300 Calories burned with exercise (maybe since our friends canceled and I have the evening free, can even manage to sneak in one more run tonight). Then tomorrow I am watching my friend's kids during the day and they love to run around outside so that's a few more Calories. Then eat/drink tomorrow (but try to keep it to a minimum), then pull the "not feeling great" card on Saturday, then it's only one more food packed night on Sunday.

I'm actually quite good at refusing food until I'm drunk, which sucks because I love to drink. I would even be content to just have the alcohol calories, but of course, once I pass my "too drunk" threshold, I fucking binge. It's awful. And I know it's coming, but every time I'm like "this will be the time I don't stuff my face while drunk, I will have self-control" but I haven't actually managed it. Maybe that will be my over-arching goal this weekend. Make it through the whole weekend drinking, but not bingeing. Maybe a 2017 New Year's resolution?

I am a shitty doctor.

Speaking of being a doctor, did I mention I got another job doing that? Working out of a friend's office. Guess who one of my friend's patients is. Yeah, it's the amazing wife of my "man-friend". I feel so shitty when I'm around her because a) she's so much more amazing than I am on all levels, and b) I know that I am consciously trying to steal the attention of her goddamn husband. I'll admit, it felt a little good that she called me "Dr. real-last-name" though I immediately told her not to, we know each other and even in an office setting she should just call me by my first name. She was in the office yesterday and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide because she's so nice to me, and I don't on any level want to attract her husband's attention to hurt her, and hopefully I'm not. Hopefully I'm not even succeeding and this whole fucking thing is all made up in my head, because she doesn't deserve any lack of anything in life. But that's the worst part! There's nothing about her husband that I'm particularly attracted to, except that his wife is so great, and I want to feel great. So literally the worst part about what I want is everything I don't want. OMG. If any one I know in real life reads this, please put a gun to my head because I am the worst person.

No babies, please.

I've found myself wanting to have a kid lately. This is madness of course, because I like my lifestyle too much and know realistically I would be miserable if stuck with a child 24/7 right now.

I just want to be the best at things, and this is hard to explain. It's not about wanting to parent perfectly, it's just that I have always been the one who is "ahead" of things. I graduated high school at the age of 16 with a full year of college already under my belt. I get things done. But at this point, I'm almost 30 and every one I know has kids. And the people who have kids think very little of the people who don't. They talk all day long about how life is just easy and wonderful until kids come in to the picture. I'm very looked-down on for not having them. It doesn't matter that my husband and I both work full-time, have a dog, a house, church responsibilities, do volunteer work and are otherwise active in our community. We are "less than" because we are not parents.

Again, this is madness. I am WELL AWARE of the fact that this is not a good reason to have kids. I just feel like by not having them, all of my "success" is only temporary. That as soon as I do, I will get fat, tired, lazy, I'll stop running, dump my career, and no longer be "impressive". So the challenge would of course be to have kids, and still juggle everything with a smile on my face to show the world that YES! I am worthy! I work hard and have value as a woman because I have brought life into the world and still manage to keep everything going!

Terrible reasons, but it's where my head is.

Colder months on the way.

I came home at 162.5

By weeks' end I was only 159. It's harder as I get older. I might be back down to 156 by now but I'm not getting on the scale until November.

Husband made a remark yesterday morning when I got out of bed before I had gotten dressed. "You look really skinny."

I couldn't come up with a reply. I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that his eyes were deceiving him, and in no realm is 5'9" and a hundred-fifty-something pounds skinny. It's not. But I don't want to be that wife that constantly degrades herself in front of people in hopes that people will continue with the compliments. So I said "huh..." and left the room.

It's about time for old bloggers to be coming back. Always seems the cold weather and holidays bring people back around. Is it the lack of sunlight? The looming holiday parties? What is it about the cold months that brings us back to restricting and self-loathing?

Set up for a week of partying.

156.0

All right. I can deal. I really hoped for lower. Especially since I was drinking over the weekend and I know that is a dehydrated number. Also, because I am going out of town tomorrow for a week and it's going to be party central while we celebrate Husband's brother's wedding.

I really thought I felt smaller so I took my measurements (which I hadn't done since the end of May because I did such a shitty job all summer) and I am significantly smaller. I mean only about an inch everywhere (waist, ribs, forearms, biceps, thighs, calves, hips) but it's still smaller than when I last measured and I was in the high 150's. Hopefully this means losing fat and gaining muscle. This is why I hate the scale though, because I want to BE smaller, and the scale is rarely representative of that. I mean, it gives me an idea but I can actually be shrinking in size without the scale moving that much.

Any way, wish me luck as I embark on a week of partying. I'll probably come back 85 lbs heavier because it's what I do. I need REAL self-control. Not just when it's convenient.

Calorie deficit and not fucking.

The past couple of days my intake was right around 700. A smoothie in the morning, about a cup of grapes and a handful of nuts in the afternoon, and a salad or stir-fried veggies in the evening. Meanwhile I've burned about 900 each day running. I should be feeling smaller by now, but honestly I feel like I've been the same size for the past 2 weeks. I'm kind of glad I've resisted stepping on the scale because I'm pretty sure the number wouldn't have changed which would make me feel like shit. I just have to tell myself to keep going, even though the energy deficit is leaving me exhausted during the day and unable to sleep at night. I have to get smaller. I have to. And this may be a plateau, but plateaus don't last forever.

I appreciate your comments on the man-friend post. I can't see us fucking, ever. I don't think I could do that to my Husband even if I wanted to. I've been cheated on in the past and I know how hurtful it was. I can't see him cheating on his wife either. They've been together for like 20 years (he's something like 17 years older than I am) and he adores her. Hence my desire for him to adore me (I hate myself just writing that). I think it's really just each other's attention we are going for. Of course this can be dangerous in itself I suppose. What happens if we are both successful? What lines do we have to cross to know for sure we have the other's attention?

I think we're playing the same game.

I'm not into him. But his wife is perfect. And in my mind, if he's married to her, but he wants me, that makes me better than her.

And I'm certain he's not into me. But men want me. It's not a secret and I can't pretend that men find me repulsive. I'm popular and an uncomfortable number of my male friends have what I would call "crushes" on me. I pretend to not notice, but I'm aware.  And I'm fairly certain that if all the men want me and my attention is focused on him, that makes him better than all the other men.

It's a weird mess and everything I hate about him are all of the things I hate about myself.

BP

I made it through Labor Day weekend without too much damage. In fact, all meals except for last night's were small or non-existent. I did go way over board last night, primarily from the booze. Appetizers, entree, dessert, after dinner coffee w/ Rumchata, wine, whiskey. Ugh. This is why I was especially surprised when I woke up this morning not feeling bloated or disgusting. I actually felt quite comfortable. Maybe this will help keep me on track. Maybe it's because my body needed some sustenance. The primary difficulty I have been experiencing in the past week has been dizziness. I have always had very low blood pressure (systolic rarely creeps up above 88) and when I start restricting that gets lower. So I've been doing a lot of graying-out. I haven't actually passed out yet, but I've had a couple of close calls, especially when standing up too quickly.

It's early. Or is it late?

Hunger has been keeping me awake at night. It's not unbearable, just enough to make sleep impossible. I went to bed at 11:30 (later than normal for a morning person such as myself) and didn't fall asleep until 1 am. I then awoke at 2:45 and at 4:45 threw in the towel on trying to sleep any more. My alarm would be going off soon anyway. So its 5:30 now, and I made myself some tea and am painting my nails to avoid eating. If I was going to get up and eat I might as well have just stayed in bed.

Today is the first of the month and I'm not stepping on a scale. I'm going to try to hold out until I go to Husband's brother's wedding October 1st (which will mean a Sept 27 weigh-in because that's when we are leaving town).

But I feel smaller. Last night I wore some shorts when we went out for drinks (at a place that doesn't serve food, yay!) that were too small for me until yesterday.

So I'm allowing my size and hunger pains to lead me on for now. The scale is so deceptive and can de-rail progress so quickly. I should just get rid of the damn thing altogether and keep to my size. That's what I did at my thinnest. I lived with my parents who didn't have a scale and I couldn't have told you how much I weighed. I just used my shrinking measurements to gauge. I need to try to do that again because really the number doesn't matter to me so much as the space I am taking up.

I'm not normally one for reading into things but....

He puts his kids to bed.
His wife goes to sleep.
He drinks.
And then he texts me.

Everything hurts.

Husband and I were invited over to our friends' house for spaghetti last night. Fortunately the invitation came early enough in the day that I could burn some extra calories in preparation for what is always a high-cal night. These people LOVE to eat and drink.

So during the day I had:
Green juice (Made from spinach, lemon, lime, ginger, apples, and cucumbers)
A handful of grapes
A handful of almonds

And the exercise I got:
Cleaning the house
Barre class
Biking 12 miles to and from work.

This is all good because I ended up drinking 4 glasses of wine, and eating a dish of spaghetti and a cookie.

Today my body hurts from the exercise and alcohol.

I'm not yet sure how I'm going to balance my alcohol consumption this weekend. Three gatherings all centered around alcohol in the next 72 hours. FML. I think Husband is planning to drink a lot so I'm mostly going to go with the "some one needs to drive home" excuse. Which is both true, and responsible.

Plan for today: Walk the dog (too hot for him to run. He won't.), more cleaning (the house can never be too clean), watch my friend's kids (lots of running around, kids love it, their parents love it, I love it).

Veggie collard green wraps for dinner. Maybe nothing until then.

Veg.

So I got Husband on board with eating a plant based diet. This is good because it allows me to keep ice cream, cheese, and other things I tend to binge on out of the house. It also means the house is full of spinach, apples, peaches, pineapple, carrots, peppers, grapes, broccoli, bananas, kale, collard greens... you get the point. Produce.

It's not entirely vegan or even vegetarian. I would be cool with that, but Husband isn't exactly on board to that degree. He still wants to go out for burgers on the weekends. It is, however, making meals during the week lower in calories. Like tonight instead of beef burgers, he wants to make portobello burgers. This is easily shaving HUNDREDS of Calories from dinner.

I had wanted to run today but it is raining and the dog hates the rain. I could go without him, and  there is a chance I still will, but I'm going to use it as excuse to clean the house because that also really needs to be done, and at least I'll be moving around.

Not super skinny

The festival went about as well as it could have. I drank only slightly more than I was anticipating. The real trouble was actually after the festival when we got dinner with some friends. I wasn't hammered drunk, just enough to let my eating guard down, and had another beer, a black bean burger, fries, and ice cream. FML.

Often at these festivals, each group has a theme or somewhat matching outfits. Our group went with Tie-Dye. Unfortunately, the only tie-dye shirt I own is a form-fitting tank top. No exactly what I want to wear when I am a) over 160 lbs, and b) going to be drinking beer and eating food that can make me bloated. I tried to use the shirt as a reminder to keep my posture straight and stomach sucked in, something I accomplished for the better part of the day. At one point a woman was bringing around leftover donuts and one of the guys standing near me made a remark about how easy it is to get rid of free donuts around a bunch of fat men (not that all of these men I was surrounded by were that fat, but they certainly weren't thin or even fit by any stretch) and the woman handing out the donuts pointed to me and said "Well except for her, she's super skinny!"

Ha! It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. Super skinny. No. Granted my stomach is realistically not huge (I carry all of my weight in my monster thighs and arms) but I am so far from super skinny. The remark really was comical. It only made me wish she was right.

The rest of the weekend of course involved food. We stayed the night at our friends' house and in the morning she made pancakes that were basically deep-fried. Then beer and pizza for lunch. Then a cookout with other friends in the evening. It was an absurd amount of food and I'm fairly certain I undid all of the work I put in all week long. So tempting to step on the scale this morning, but I resisted that. Just get back on track.

Taking the dog for a run this morning. No plans until this afternoon so we should be able to knock out about 10 miles. I'm dehydrated from the beer for sure, but it needs to be done.

A little lighter, a little light-headed

164.5 yesterday morning, so it's coming off. I'm going back to only weighing myself at the start of each month because it worked better that way. As soon as I started doing it more frequently the numbers went up. Binge and not gain the next day? Must be okay to do it again! Starve and not lose anything? Must not be working!

Of course it works, but it takes more time than I was giving it. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning only to confirm what I already knew. I'm headed in the right direction, I just need to keep working on it. I was tempted to step on the scale this morning because yesterday I biked 12 miles, ran 5 miles, and ate very little, and I feel a little smaller today, so I really wanted to see if I'm down to 163, but of course if I wasn't there I would feel less like working just as hard today. I ran a couple of miles with the dog this morning, but didn't have enough time to get in the miles I wanted to so I'm going to go out with him again this evening. I would go now, but he doesn't last long in the heat at all and when I bring him back to house after he overheats I'm always too tempted to stay home too. Damn you A/C!

I have to pour beer at a festival tomorrow, which ordinarily would mean lots of drinking, but I have had a cold and can't smell much which means I can't really enjoy the beer as I would like to so... That's an easy out of a lot of empty calories.

The best medicine? Or sheer mockery?

What does it mean when some one starts laughing every time they make eye contact with you? The guy I work for does this. He used to occasionally laugh when he looked at me, and while I noticed, I sort of shrugged it off and figured something was on his mind. But lately, it's every time. He'll be conversing with other people or minding his own business, totally straight-faced, and then as soon as our eyes meet, he laughs.

I'm probably reading too much into this, but I feel like he's literally laughing at me. My life is sort of pathetic these days and all I can think is that he's probably comparing me to his wife. She is beautiful, smart, kind, funny, has an incredibly successful career, an adoring husband, and two perfect children. She's literally the first woman I have ever met that I feel intimidated by. I'm a champion at finding flaws - both in myself and others - and I can't find a flaw in this woman. Another of my close friends has admitted to having a girl crush on her. I've tried to convince myself that I'm overreacting to this whole scenario, but the laughing has been so consistent and I can't come up with any other logical explanation as to why this is happening, but it has kind of made me avoid being around him as much as possible. No one likes to be laughed at.

Americans are fat.

I was definitely feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought of being in a swimsuit all week. To my surprise, I ended up having one of the better bodies on the beach. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of skinny girls, including some that I was with (read: Husband's cousin who has arguably the most perfect body I've ever seen) but as far as the general public goes, most were definitely obese. Another surprise, was the popularity of modest swimwear. Even the skinny girls (including Husband's cousin) were wearing one-piece or something resembling it. I could cover up a little and not feel like I was some super self-conscious weirdo.

As far as weight goes, I did horrendously on the trip down to the beach. The first few days I ate modestly and got a ton of exercise so things weren't so bad, but throughout the week every one shared a respiratory infection, which I contracted on Wednesday, so the rest of the week it was hard to keep as active as I would have liked. And there was constant food everywhere.

I came home at 167.0

Gross. Probably can drop at least a couple of pounds this week, but again, still can't breathe from the respiratory infection, so running is difficult (but still happening).

I'm pissed that I let myself get this big. These numbers are horrific and need to be fixed. My new goal is October 1st, because Husband's youngest brother is getting married. I was significantly thinner at his last brother's wedding, and at my own, and I'll be damned if this wedding is going down in history as the one where I was fat.

Another fall goal is new jeans. All of mine from last year are worn out so I actually do need to buy new ones, and of course, the smaller the better.

Lying to myself

Tomorrow I leave for vacation and this morning on the scale I managed to see 159.0 Not stepping on the scale again until I get back so I can tell myself I am actually in the 150's on vacation (even though by the time I get there, I likely won't be).

Of course it's vacation, so the odds of coming back having gained 85 pounds in 10 days is pretty high as well. I'm not as worried about most of the vacation itself really because I will be on the beach and doing lots of running, biking, and swimming, but the driving is terrifying. It's 18 hours in each direction and when I'm bored as shit in the car I tend to eat. Going to pack as many fruits and vegetables to try to keep it on the healthier side but Husband loves junk food on a trip. I wish I didn't get carsick so easily because I would read or knit or something to pass the time, but focusing on anything inside the vehicle makes me feel awful, so if I can't sleep, I eat.

Two weeks to go.

I got rid of the five pounds pretty quickly so I'm back down to 160. Just less than two weeks til I'm on the beach. The plan is to keep as busy as possible until then and work as much as possible. Money has been tight lately and I'm stressed about going on vacation when we could really use the money.

Yesterday a friend was over (some one I see at least once a week) and out of nowhere she said she thought I was looking thinner. I don't feel thinner. My clothes fit the same as they have for the past two months, so I'm obviously the same size.

At least I kept moving.

Today was a bad day to eat lunch.

Had I not eaten lunch, or had it only been vegetables, I wouldn't have felt so compelled to run more than a couple of miles. Obviously I should be running at least seven miles every day but it has been 100 degrees with 97% humidity so I feel justified in keeping the mileage low because I refuse to be that person who passes out on the side of the road. But today I almost did.

I took the dog with me for the first two miles but it was too hot for him, so I took him home and ran 4 more by myself. The first 2 miles were bearable, but then my headphones died (Bluetooth) so I couldn't listen to music which made it damn near impossible to focus on anything except how hot it was outside and how lightheaded I was getting. So the last two miles had a lot of walking mixed in, especially because at that point it was all uphill, but dammit at least I kept moving.

OBX?

Haven't lost. Have gained. Granted, the gain is only 5 pounds so it's something I can work with, but it's still the wrong direction. Especially considering we are going to the Outer Banks (read: Beach) for a week-long vacation only three weeks from now, and dammit I had better be in the 150's. Earlier in the year when I was doing better, I was thinking I could easily be in the 140's before vacation, but that's not realistic at this point. I am, however, reminded of the last trip I took to Florida in which I lost 9 pounds the week preceding the trip. So I know if I really push I could even get into the low 150's in three weeks. It's just going to be a really tough three weeks.

My birthday is this week too. Fortunately I have to work on the day of so celebrating should be minimal. Tonight some friends and I are going out for dinner to celebrate, and I chose Indian food because a) I love it and b) there's enough veggie dishes that aren't too high in Calories that I can keep on track with.

Trying to get back into posting on here too. It really does help.

Quick update

Not a lot to report. May was kind of a bust, and I started out June at 160. At least its not a gain, right? I need to cut back my food intake because I haven't had time to run the miles it takes to burn off all of this consumption. I'm lucky if I can get in 4 miles at a time. I've been wanting to run twice a day since I don't have a good solid block of time but if I could get in 3-4 miles in the morning and 3-4 miles in the afternoon or evening, I'd be doing pretty well. I just wish it didn't take me so long to stop sweating after I run. We're talking a good hour, and I can't be showing up everywhere drenched in sweat (even after taking a cool shower) so really that would only take up more time than running the miles all at once.

Work all day today.

Who knew the calorie was a unit of energy?!

JK guys. I knew the calorie was a unit of energy -- which is why I capitalize the C when referring to kcals, cause that's what you do in physics. 

Anyway.

Not expecting to be in the 150's at the beginning of June. I did a little damage control after the last binge, but I also spent the last week visiting family on the East Coast. The first couple of days I did exceptionally well, but Saturday night we had a party and I probably consumed at least 1,000 Calories in alcohol alone, on top of eating cake, chips, fruit salad, cheese, and a shit-ton of olives. The days following were not as horrific but I can guarantee you I did not run a deficit. Too much booze. Too much food. 

I couldn't help but notice how much energy I had the whole time. I didn't need my usual intravenous supply of caffeine. Aside from the party, I wasn't stuffing my face, just eating when other people ate, and what they ate. Eggs and a biscuit for breakfast, salad and sandwich for lunch, Pho for dinner. I was never hungry, but I ate like a "normal" person. This gave me a supply of energy I haven't felt in months. Even today, being my first day back, I felt like I could have run forever. The only reason I stopped is because it was hot out and the dog was getting exhausted and I wanted to get him home before he over-heated.

The problems with never feeling hungry are that a) I will never lose weight that way, and b) if I'm not hungry, I feel fat. I feel as if my arms are swollen balloons, smashed into my upper back fat; like my stomach is billowing out over my thighs like a rolling tide; my thighs that resemble those of an elephant, smashing their way down to my cankles. I told my husband the other day I feel like I walk like a fat person. He laughed and said "At least you pick up your feet when you walk." He didn't say I was wrong. 

I know most people look at their reflection or photos of themselves and see all of their flaws. They poke and prod at their bodies because of all of the fat parts they see. I don't tend to do this. Occasionally, yes, but mostly my behavior is spawned by the way I feel. I have too look at my reflection to remind myself that I at least look somewhat normal. That it is unlikely every one around me is staring at me and thinking "gross". I know I don't look like a supermodel, but if I can catch a glimpse of myself sitting next to my friends and family and compare our reflections and see that I am, in fact, the same size as many, smaller than most, and only larger than a few, I shouldn't feel so panicked that I am such a whale. How do you get past this? Is it possible to get out of your own head and not feel so large. Or at least not focus on feeling so large?

On last night's binge....

First off, in response to Bella, I'll be interested to see where the show goes. I'm only around the end of season 2, though I've seen a few episodes from other seasons. I keep seeing links on the sidebar to the episodes with kids, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch those either.

And about my blog post title? Drunken binge. Typically my job at the bar is actually very conducive to proper restricting. It keeps me on my feet and too busy to even think about food. Last night however was dead and there were two guys who come in fairly often who were chatting with me and buying me drinks all night. It was certainly a more enjoyable evening having them there, but the Calories from the alcohol alone were devastating, thinking back on it. Then when I got home, disaster struck. I was drunk, and had eaten hardly anything for a couple of days. So I cooked up not one, but TWO BOXES of mac n cheese, and ate peanut butter directly from the jar while doing it. I can't imagine what this sight looks like. I'm sure Husband could hear me banging around in the kitchen as I drunkenly prepared and scarfed my food. I feel ill just thinking about it. The worst part about drunken binges is that I typically run off the damage of a binge the next day, but dehydration kills my running abilities. It's not that I won't go. I have to. I can't let that mess sit in my system. It's just that I don't think I'd make it the 15 miles it would take to make a binge like that into something slightly less horrific. So I'm going to spend the morning doing my best to re-hydrate so hopefully I can do some proper sort of damage control this afternoon. If I can at least knock out 6 miles that's around 700 Calories, which would be about one of those boxes of mac n cheese. 

Fuck.

"I avoided the Cheetos until the alcohol sank in; I avoided the guilt until the alcohol wore off." Lina

Supersize vs. Superskinny

Lately I've been avoiding responsibilities and binge watching Supersize vs. Superskinny. It's pretty good motivation. The tiny people are something to strive for, the large people are something to avoid becoming.

The one thing I find fairly interesting is just how MUCH the skinny people usually supposedly eat, and I have to wonder if it's legitimate, or if the producers of the show just don't want the general public thinking they can subsist on so little. Every time they go over the two individual's daily intakes, the underweight people are consuming usually between 1500 and 1700 Calories each day. They throw out those numbers and talk about how you're supposed to eat 2,000 each day, and only consuming 1700 is this massive "undereat" but most of us know that cutting down to 1700 is not going to have an impact. Our metabolism will just accommodate. Additionally, when they explain the daily intakes of these people (a granola bar, a piece of fruit, a candy bar) when I mentally add all of that up, it totals closer to 800. I know theoretically, cutting Calories to 1700 per day should result in weight loss, but let's face it, it doesn't. Especially when I tell you that for the past couple of weeks that's about what I have been consuming and I guarantee I haven't lost anything. I can feel it.

In typical paranoid food obsessed thinking, I obviously think they are lying.

You know what we say today? Who cares!

Thanks friends for your kind words. After I posted the last time I decided I couldn't take it, I had to see the 150's. So without food or water I spent a couple of hours exercising. I know that what I dropped in those hours was entirely water weight, but I just HAD to see the 150's, and I did. That afternoon I stepped on the scale to 158.0.

I haven't weighed since then because of course that number wouldn't have stuck around. Immediately after getting off the scale I went downstairs and slammed 24 oz. of water, so that alone would've basically brought me back up to 160. But it doesn't matter. I just needed to see it, and seeing it has kept me motivated these past few days.

As far as the Jazzercise goes, I took a second class and stood away from the fan, and sure enough I was sweating like crazy. So maybe I did burn more than I thought the first time. It's a fun class. I don't think I love it enough that I will keep going after the free month is up, but I do enjoy it enough to go for free. Plus the place is so close that walking there and back gives me almost 2 miles of extra walking each time I go so that helps too.

I really liked the instructor for the second class I took too. She's been teaching Jazzercise for 30 years and she was so much fun! At one point when she was talking about contracting your glutes she said "Ya know, 30 years ago we used to say 'Squeeze your glutes or no one else will' but you know what we say today? 'Who cares!..... Not gonna squeeze my glutes? Fine by me!' " Haha. I just loved her attitude. She also did a hilarious Mick Jagger impression when the song Moves Like Jagger came on.

Net Zero

Yesterday was my first day in probably a year that my net Calorie intake was 0.

700 in
700 out

I know that's terrible for your metabolism, to net 0, but I can't help it. I need to be in the 150's. Because I had so little yesterday, I thought I might step on the scale today just in case I had even a water weight difference.

160.0

And that's why I wait a month between weighing.

My friend is coming over to my house this morning to dye my hair. Getting some summer blonde. My hair is naturally dark blonde, but I'm ready for summer hair. Hopefully having nicer hair will be extra motivation to get my body to match my hair.

In other news, I went to my first Jazzercise class this morning. Even the most modest calculations online said that for a 160 lb person, you burn at least 350 Calories in a Jazzercise class. It didn't feel like it. I'm naturally a very sweaty person and when I'm really working I get drenched in sweat. I hardly broke a sweat in this class. Of course I was standing in front of a fan, so maybe my internal calculations were off.

Whatever. I'm logging it as 200.

Hopeful but not expecting

160.0

Another three pound month, but honestly I should be grateful. When I look at everything I consumed over the past month and how little my exercise was for about 2 straight weeks of April, I should be happy for any kind of loss at all. I was really hoping to be in the 150's by now. I should be in the 150's by now. But hunger has led to a few binges and I'm so set on not purging. That coupled with a lot of social gatherings has meant too many days with too small a deficit. Even if I didn't break into another weight milestone, I did drop below a 24 BMI. So that's also a plus. Additionally, a friend of mine whom I haven't seen much in the past couple of months came over last night and commented on my weight loss (something that should be good positive reinforcement, but always makes me uncomfortable). She asked what I have been doing. I told her cutting back food, running, and yoga, which is true. I didn't explain to what extent, though in the past month my overall calorie consumption doesn't look that far off from what a normal person would eat so I'm really not hiding anything. It just feels like a ton compared to earlier in the year. Compared to what I should be eating.

The proximity of my current weight to the next milestone (read: the 150's, so really only one pound away) is motivating me to put my nose to the grindstone. The past two days I have been restricting well, and keeping active so hopefully I keep this up.

In other positive news, Jazzercise is having a promotion where all through the month of May ALL classes are completely free. As in, you can take as many as you want. I've never done it before, but their website boasts that you can burn up to 800 Calories in one class so I'm definitely going to try it. Even if I don't enjoy it very much, I should be able to keep it up for a month if it's free. It's also less than a mile from my house so realistically I could walk there.

Also, I wish my thighs weren't so large. I know, who doesn't wish that, but I have gotten smaller and all of my size 6 shorts and jeans are plenty big in the waist, and I want to get 4's so badly, but I can't yet fit my massive thighs into them.

Keep working.

Weirdly territorial

The weather has been getting nice which means people are coming out of hibernation. Every one has been trying on their spring and summer clothes and realizing they got fat over the winter and are now outside trying to run off the pounds. Most of them will give up. Whenever the weather starts to get nice, you always see people outside EVERYWHERE crowding the sidewalks and trails. By August there will be hardly any one. This has made me weirdly territorial. I ran all through the winter, even when it was 20 below zero outside. I bundled up and dealt with my Raynaud's and pressed forward through the cold and snow, and I have been rewarded with last year's summer clothes being too big for me. I had to go out and buy new shorts. 

The territorial thing comes in when I am out running in public and have to maneuver around people who are in my way. I feel like because I run when it's cold and dreary outside, I have staked my claim to the local sidewalks and trails, and these asshole are fair-weather runners and need to move out of my way. I don't want to be this way. I want to be welcoming and say "hey! welcome to the great outdoors!" but knowing that they are only out there temporarily thinking this will be it, this will be the year I finally get into running and in three weeks will completely throw in the towel, I feel about like all you gym rats when it's time for people to make New Year's resolutions and take up all the treadmills at the gym for the first three weeks of January. 

Not despair, just exhaustion.

As is often the case, I've been wishing other people would post on here more, but haven't actually been posting myself. We're almost halfway through April.

I don't feel any smaller.

Which is getting increasingly more difficult to take because I'm getting tired. I'm running about between 30 and 40 miles each week, as well as doing yoga 3-4 times a week and PiYo twice a week. I'm keeping my intake between 600-1,000 and I'm soooo tired. I could just sleep all the time. I want a full day with no responsibilities so I can take some vicodin or something else I have kicking around and just sleep all day. I really wish I could sleep without the drugs, but no matter how late I go to sleep or how tired I am, I can't sleep past 6 am. Most days I'm awake by 5:15. Don't get me wrong, I like being a morning person, I really enjoy mornings. If I could fall asleep by 7pm I would love to, but I'm terrible at sleeping, even when tired. And I want every night to take something to help me sleep but I fear dependency so I typically just lie awake for hours and then wake up and start my day shortly after. Is living in an exhausted haze really superior to narcotic dependency? Not so sure. Really I just want to not have to move.

First of the month fool

Well, it's weigh-in day and I'm happy to be down at all. The first two weeks of March I was great about restricting and running off what I did consume, but I think the cardio has been catching up with me because the past two and a half weeks all I think about all day long is carbs! Bread, pasta, even candy and and don't even like candy.

So today, fearing a re-gain of everything I might have lost at the beginning of the month, I was a little relieved to see 163.0. At least it's down. It's still not great. Any one can lose three pounds in a month. I should be doing that in a week.

Most of my major calorie intake seems to happen at night, so I took a job as a bartender for now. I didn't want to have to work every night because I do want to spend time with Husband, but a friend of mine who is a manager of a local brewery asked if I would be willing to work two or three days a week. I'm not a night owl but he's a friend and said I could pretty much pick the times I want to work so hopefully not too many really late shifts (even though that's where all the good money is... the late night drunks are the best tippers). It will be some decent money and keep a couple of evenings too busy for stuffing my face.

All right, even though yesterday I was up for 24 hours straight and spent twelve of those on my feet - I'm tired, my legs are tired - only being down three pounds in a month is motivating me to go out for a run. May 1st needs a better number.

Turn down for what?

I ended up turning down the job offer. I think I made the right choice because I feel a sense of relief I wasn't anticipating feeling by not taking it.

In food news, I started the week well, but yesterday I consumed roughly 3,000 Calories and the day before about 2,600. Damn beer and burgers. I have the whole day wide open right now, so I want to run to help burn off the excess, but my plantar fasciitis is currently flared up in my left foot, and while trying to run through that pain yesterday I ended up rolling my right ankle, so I have two sore lower extremities, which means no significant cardio today. Fortunately, Husband is working all day and has plans in the evening so I shouldn't have to eat today. Maybe I can at least do some cleaning and stuff to help keep moving.

6 Long

Last year when I was in the midst of my sordid weight gain, I went to Goodwill to purchase some pants that fit. Not that I don't shop at Goodwill anyway, but I was definitely not spending the money on a brand new pair of jeans because everything I owned was too small. At that point, I was between a US size 8 and 10. I'm tall, so I need to purchase a "Long" no matter the waist size. These are a not particularly easy to come by, so when I saw some size 6L on the rack, I grabbed them. I knew I couldn't squeeze into them at that point, but I planned to in the future. 

I continued to gain weight, and went all the way up to a size 12 (!) when I was 186 lbs. I never got to wear the jeans. They have been sitting on a shelf in my closet since the day I bought them.

Well, since I have been dropping weight this year, I have needed to go to Goodwill to get smaller jeans. Since my 10's are currently MUCH too big, I figured I would see if I could squeeze into the 6L's I bought. They fit! Actually, the one pair is a little loose (which is only a bummer because I hardly got to wear them, and hopefully soon they will be too big to wear at all, but it's a bummer I will take!). 

All of this of course makes me want to weigh myself because I am curious, but I'm going to wait until April 1st. If the pounds aren't down, it might spoil some of the euphoria of physically being smaller. 

In answer to your question Lucy, it's a different job. I'm not sure any dollar amount would convince me to go back to work for crazy-lady. At least it would have to be RIDICULOUSLY high. This other job is the one in the brewery. It was a fun job, but the pay was not good for the work/knowledge/commute required and the schedule was difficult. I also didn't care for the brewery owner (how he did business). The pay raise they offered me is significant, and salary (as opposed to hourly like I had before) but the hours would still be a little difficult, but not terrible. I don't know. Husband and I have been weighing the pros and cons of taking it vs. not taking it and neither of us has a clue what the best decision would be. I told them I would have an answer for them today so by the next time I post, I'll be able to let you guys know what I decided. 

Any one who says they can't be bought is a liar.

The job that I quit last month called me and offered me a lot of money to come back. I'm considering it.

It's all about balance

Today's intake has been:

Green juice + Tilapia + Cashews = 400 Calories

Craft Beer = 700 Calories

In other news, this blog just passed 20,000 views, and I think you're all nuts. There's nothing worth reading here.

But on a hypocritical note, I'm glad I know you all. I miss many who haven't posted in years, who felt like friends, but had the obvious ability to disappear into thin air.

Weekend update

Thursday night: was drinking heavily and secretly throwing the leftover half of Husband's grilled cheese sandwich out the car door on the way home (when neither of us should have been driving, but both of us were because we showed up to the bar separately) and letting him think I ate it while I drove home.

Friday night: was trying to avoid the brownies I made for the friends we had over. I opted for more ice cream so that my dish of dessert looked bigger, while the ice cream had a significantly lower caloric density than the brownies.

Saturday night: was home-made cast iron pan pizza with lots of wine, while being grateful I had been "too busy to eat" the entire day leading up to it.

Sunday night: was snacks at a friends house instead of dinner. Two bites of a brownie, 1 cup of popcorn, and about 3 ounces of lemonade that should have just been a full glass of water. I don't even really like lemonade.

Every single day was over 1,000 Calories which is not a good way to start the month. In typical fashion, I have been great throughout the week and then fuck things up on weekends. But it's tricky. The key is to eat little to none during the day and get in as much exercise as I can, so that I can eat and drink in front of people when we go out and still end the day under 1,000. That way I can be like all of the other skinny liars that say "oh, I don't know how I've lost so much weight, look how much I eat!" except my version is "oh, I guess I've just lost weight because I have been running so much and haven't increased my food intake enough!"
Because all of my overweight friends hate to run, and that way they won't think I'm lying, they'll just feel shitty that they aren't running.

Funny weird, or funny ha-ha?

Remember that sense of humor thing? I had only made it about 3.5 miles yesterday when I tripped over my dog and crashed to the ground. I banged up my knee and hip pretty nicely, and when I got up I tried to run again I was in too much pain, so I hobbled the mile it was from there back to my house. So much for that. And I had wanted to run again today, but my leg it still sore, and it snowed/rained last night so the sidewalks probably suck today, so I'll probably just stay in and do some yoga and keep my intake low.

Be well!

Adipose insulation

Since I posted my weight yesterday, and I had a good restricting day yesterday, I decided to step on the scale this morning, just to prove to myself that I was in control and posting my weight was not going to make the numbers rise. 

167.0

Fuck me. Don't ever think God doesn't have a sense of humor. 

At least it's motivating me to get moving today. I did my Tuesday 5 am PiYo yesterday, but aside from that got very little physical activity. 

And tonight, some friends of our are having a soft opening of their new taproom downtown so we will be going out and drinking, which means probably a good 400 Calories worth of beer I will consume. I would love to be motivated enough to only have one drink, but I'm quite certain I won't be able to stop at one. I'm just motivated enough to try to run at least 5 miles today to prepare for the damage. Ten miles would be better. 

Also I'm cold. This has me concerned that my metabolism is slowing too much. I've always run really hot. My whole life, always hot and sweating. The past week I have been freezing. When Husband got home from work last night, I was at home wearing thick socks, thick winter leggings, knit leg warmers, two shirts, a sweatshirt and my winter jacket. In the house. He laughed, and just said "What are you wearing?? You look ridiculous!" 

He knows I refuse to turn the heat up. It was already up to 68, which is warmer than we usually keep it because we both run hot and hate paying the high heating bill. 

How can I be this cold with all of this excess adipose insulation on my body???

Weights

Thanks again for your comments. I appreciate them. As far as posting my weight, it's not so much about embarrassment as it is superstition. Because I have posted my weight in the past, because I do feel like sharing it, but without fail, each time, it always goes up after I do. So it freaks me out. I think most people here can probably relate to weird superstitions.

But as I said, I need to stop being so superstitious and realize that my weight has to do with my actions, and not random acts of blogging.

So here goes.

That high weight posted on the side of the blog? That was this past fall. Prior to last fall, the highest I had ever reached was 180 lbs, and that was always my tipping point (I reached it twice because I have no self-control). But this past fall before I quit my job, I saw 180 and just couldn't bring myself to drop it. I kept eating. And I wasn't exercising, at least not significantly.  It was bad news. I think it was kind of a personal rebellion against my boss. You can read about her here. She only hired me because I was slim, athletic, and pretty, and I think my constant eating in the office and subsequent weight gain was me giving her the middle finger. (note: there were many reasons I quit that job, on top of it not being a healthy environment, I ended up leaving because she wasn't paying me. There was talk of raises, bonuses, et cetera, to make up for how little she was paying me, but they never came, so I left)

Shortly after I quit was when I saw that horrific 186 lbs (BMI 27.5, yuck) But the holidays always trigger me (a lot of us actually, if you look at the blogging community around November/December) to want to lose weight. I think the whole seeing family, going to parties, getting ready for a new year, being surrounded by fattening food just wakes me up to how much I don't want to be the "fat friend". And there's the whole control thing.

So anyway, today is March 1st, and I'm not making the progress I had hoped to for how much I have been restricting and exercising, but I'm still headed in the right direction so I'm determined to keep going. This morning I was 166.0 (BMI 24.5, at least I'm in the normal range again)
Still huge. Still above what I consider my "I may be fat but at least I can be seen in public" weight (which is below 160). It's only going to be cold for a few more days and then next week spring is supposed to arrive, which means I can't hide under sweatshirts and jackets for much longer. And the next 20 lbs are going to be harder than the first.

Do I have a goal weight? Not really. I mean, I've always liked the idea of 123. It's a BMI of 18.2, which means I would be underweight, but close enough to a normal range that if any one got "concerned" I could easily lie by a few pounds and say I was in the normal range and no one had any reason to be concerned. (Because even when I was 150 lbs two years ago, people thought I was "thin enough" and "definitely shouldn't lose any more weight") And realistically, I have fairly prominent bones when I'm thin. I look back at pictures of myself even at 135 lbs (BMI  19.9) and I see bones.
In addition to a good BMI, those are such nice chronological-looking number. 1, 2, 3.

We'll see

Sunday, Sunday

All of last week went well up until yesterday. I managed to be anti-social enough to avoid major eating situations and kept my intake low. Unfortunately, yesterday Husband was insistent on having pizza for lunch. This is hard to get out of because we always order the same pizza (it's like, the fattiest thing you can order... alfredo sauce, extra cheese, the worst) and we always eat the whole thing. I felt extremely anxious about the whole thing, but I talked myself down by figuring that many people have one "cheat meal" (read, not whole day but one meal) per week and still do okay, and since I had stayed on track all week, I should've been okay, and eating pizza in front of him will help allay suspicions that are bound to arise now that I am back to restricting so well. I managed to eat one slice less than what I usually consume, (because I usually eat FOUR FUCKING PIECES OF PIZZA), which according to their website was 1,200 Calories. (read: more than what I should have consumed in my entire day).

I had already had a banana for breakfast, so I should not have eaten anything else. Then we went over to a friends house last night, and guess what they were having.... Yep! Pizza. Fortunately, this stuff was home made, smaller, and thin crust so it was not as bad as what I had for lunch, but we also drank beer.

I tallied all of yesterday to be about 3,300 Calories. That's more than three days worth in one day.

Worse yet, I also got zero exercise. I managed to walk/run 11 miles on Saturday which did have me at a good deficit going into yesterday, but I definitely didn't make up for 3,300 Calories. I was also woken in the night multiple times by sharp stomach pain, and this morning I feel heavy and disgusting.

My energy stores have been extremely low, which was most noticeable on Saturday during those 11 strenuous miles (the last three felt impossible) so I'm hoping that this pizza will fuel me to knock out another 10 miles today but we'll see. Tomorrow is March 1st which means stepping on the scale. I'm tempted to post my weight here. It's so embarrassingly high, and most of you know why I don't post it (because it always seems to go up when I do), but I also feel so hypocritical because I'm curious what other people weigh and appreciate when they post it. I need to stop being so superstitious and realize that my weight has to do with my actions and not random acts of blogging.

Dodgin' bullets

Immediately after publishing that post last night, Husband came home from work with the devil in his hands: A shamrock shake. At first, all I saw was the one, and I noticed he had already consumed about two thirds of it. I had hoped his intention was to split it with me. But then I realized, he had another one for me cradled in his other arm. After my immediate shock wore off, (and not wanting to treat my kind Husband like shit) I faked some excitement that he had brought me home such a nice 660 Calorie treat.

There is food everywhere in life the United States, and the successful know how to avoid it.

After he handed it to me, I opened the lid to eat the cherry that had fallen off the top of the mountain of whipped cream piled on the surface of the drink. Whoops, spilled a little on the table.

So I went into the kitchen to get a towel to wipe up the mess. After cleaning up the spill, I put the lid back on the drink and stuck the straw in it. Then proceeded to suck the shake up to the top of the straw, while barely letting any of it actually exit the straw into my mouth, while telling Husband about my day. A few minutes into this charade, Husband remembered he had left something out in his car that he needed to go get.
Perfect. I had perched myself on the counter top next to the kitchen sink, so while Husband was out at his car, I managed to dump nearly half of the drink down the kitchen sink and get it rinsed down before he came back inside.

The sink dumping made a little bit of a mess, so I was still cleaning that off of the cup when Husband got back, but he knew I had spilled it earlier and didn't seem to think anything of me putting a paper towel around the drink. Having this around the drink made it even easier to conceal the fact that while we were sitting there, I was consuming none of it.

After wrapping up our conversation about our day, Husband went into the dining room to look up something on the computer. I waited a minute until I knew he was wrapped up in what he was doing (because he was practically in sight still, and probably earshot), and then carefully and quietly lifted up the drain plug in the sink, and dumped the rest out. I then put the straw back to my mouth and made some slurping noises with the residue in the bottom of the cup so it sounded like I was actually finishing it.

I then threw the cup in the trash, washed my hands so as to rinse the drink down the sink, thanked Husband for the shake and went upstairs to bed.
Bullet dodged.

I was "rewarded" with a hunger induced sleepless night, but whatever, because I am feeling accomplished and motivated to keep this up.

Tonight is going to be more difficult because we have twofold plans with friends tonight, both of which involve eating, so I'm going to have to be a little creative in how to get out of as much eating as possible, but my biggest defense is going to be to work out as much as I can today so I'm at least going into the evening with a decent deficit. March 1st is coming up and I want that number on the scale down.

Making up for yesterday

I only ended up eating half of the green bean casserole, which was good because I really had hardly anything else in my system and even the half portion caused me to have serious diarrhea (you're welcome for that image) last night around 7 pm. So I was at a decent deficit most of last night, which was good until Husband wanted to go out to a local nano brewery that we love. I allowed myself two beers because I had done so well all day, but caved and ordered a chorizo taco. This place specializes in gourmet tacos and I couldn't hold out. Luckily, you order each individual taco and they don't come with any sides so ordering one taco is just that.

If I had stopped there, I would have felt okay. I had hardly eaten anything and managed to go for a decent run, so it would have been bearable. But then I got home. And husband opened up the bag of molasses cookies my mom sent us. And I ate four. FOUR OF THEM. They are not small cookies either. And the worst part was, I wasn't even hungry, just a little bit tipsy from the beers on an empty stomach. Drinking has a bad habit of leading to eating. So yesterday ended up pretty terrible. 

Today went well though. I made it through the day on a small smoothie, a green juice, a handful of sunflower seeds, and a handful of garlic crisp thingies. It would have been better if I had gotten a workout in, but today was busy and I was on my feet for 6 hours straight so at least I kept moving. It's only 7 pm but I am going to do some laundry and go to bed before I ruin a good day! 

Measuring size

Last night I went out for a drink with a few of my friends. The topic of dieting came up (which it often does, because our one friend is a dietitian) and they were discussing the HCG diet. They talked about how it would be impossible for them, and how they don't know how any one could get through the day eating under 1,000 Calories. I nodded my head in agreement and said "yeah". Because I'm a terrible liar, so when lying is my only option, I say nothing.

I'm also afraid I'm not going to see pounds lost on my scale because I have been working out so much, so in case I don't have a loss, I'm also measuring my body (ribs, waist, hips, thigh, calf, biceps, forearm) to determine if I am at least smaller. A lack of loss of poundage is easier to deal with if I know I'm smaller. If nothing has decreased, I know I'm definitely not trying hard enough. Especially since I only really have two pairs of jeans (I would like another couple of pairs, but I refuse to purchase many pairs of pants at this size, it's like rewarding bad behavior) and the one pair feels like it has gotten bigger and the other pair feels like it has gotten smaller. I know this can be due to washing/shrinking/wearing/stretching but how do I know which pair to believe? On the plus side, I had gotten so large, even my underwear was feeling tight (so embarrassing), and I had a few styles I couldn't even wear at the start of the year because they were too small, and I'm back to being able to wear them. So that's good, right? RIGHT?

I realized this past year when making green bean casserole (my Thanksgiving weakness) that the only ingredient in the stuff that's bullshit is the fried onions. The mushroom soup (I use the Pacific brand organic version because it seems less gross and weird than Campbell's), milk, and green beans are not real high cal for the quantity. So that's what I'm eating today. I made a massive bowl of it (that is more than enough food to keep my stomach full for a whole day) and it's only 300 Calories. It's loaded with fiber from the beans, which might make me shit myself, but I'm hoping that if I consume it slowly enough throughout the day, that won't be an issue. I'll definitely take the dog for a run PRIOR to finishing it, because I will die of embarrassment if I shit myself in public.

Coffee and adderall

I decided to organize some messy cabinets in my house today, when I found some adderall in a jewelry box I had stashed away in grad school. I forgot all about it! I didn't use the stuff in school as much as most of my friends did because it doesn't really help me focus when it comes to stationary tasks, but it does motivate me to super clean my house! I'm glad I only took half of one though, because I had already had a lot of coffee and as soon as it kicked in, my heart rate flipped out for a few minutes. I'm hoping I'm not so wired tonight when I go to PiYo tho, because even going up and down the stairs too fast makes me a little light headed, I don't need to be passing out in front of a room full of people.

On the plus side, it has killed my insatiable appetite I've acquired from my recent increase in cardio.

Patience

It's hard to be patient. I'm still working on getting my body into weight loss mode. It always seems to take time for my body to adjust, no matter which direction. I have to be overeating for a long time before I see any significant weight gain (aside from bloat) and I have to be working out and restricting for a while before my body finally gets the message that it's time to tap into those energy reserves. I haven't stepped on the scale for a bit, but last night I noticed my jeans felt looser so I'm really hoping for a loss next week at the start of March.

I took a PiYo class at 5 this morning and I'm taking another one at 6 tonight. I'm going to be sore the next couple of days. But I don't really have anything planned to do today and Husband is out of town until late tonight so I'm thinking I will drive somewhere to get out of the house and avoid eating. Just have to decide where.

What it do

Thank you for your comments, ladies.

In answer to your question Lucy, I'm nowhere near where I used to be when it comes to running. I injured my knee while mountain biking two summers ago, right before my first 50k (or 50k attempt). I ended up dropping out of the race after 25 miles because the pain in my knee started shooting down my leg into my ankle and I decided another 6 miles wasn't worth it if I was going to wreck my knee.

At the same time, I was also suffering some tendinitis in my shoulder so I wound up basically putting all exercise on hold just due to pain. The problem with that is that I got lazy. I didn't scale back my eating to compensate for the lack of exercise and I got fat and out of shape.

All this to say that when I was training for that ultra, I was running around an 8:30-9 min mile. I've never been very fast. And when I started running again this past year, I was very out of shape and was back to doing a 12 min mile. I've since knocked that down to about 10:30 but I'm not about to attempt any more ultras until I get that down under 10. Plus my distances suffered too. When I started running again this past year, even running 2 miles felt like work. I'm up to 10 miles being comfortable, but I get slow at the end. When I run more than 6 miles, my average pace drops to between 11 and 11:30 min. So I'm working on it. It's frustrating to think of where I could be now if I had kept up with the running but I'm trying to instead think of where I can be two years from now if I keep going now.

Also, I'm jealous of you Lucy, that your husband runs with you. Mine has tried to a couple of times and says he wants to run with me more, but he doesn't take care of himself (like, barely stretches even when I force him to) so he always winds up getting hurt and can't run anymore. I'm a chiropractor, so I know how to help him but a large part of it is ways he needs to take care of himself, but he won't. When I attempted that 50k, there was a couple that was running the same course but as a 50 mile run, and I was so jealous of them, because they run together all the time and because it takes all day to run 50 miles, they just kept a steady pace and talked and laughed the whole day together. I want to be them.

In other news folks, its that time of the year again! Yes, today I got myself a small shamrock shake. I realized just now, looking back at the old post, the calorie content has gone up in those things. This doesn't surprise me too much, because I noticed they are a darker green and are more syrupy than they used to be. Using their calorie count, I figured a small to be about 500 Calories, and amazingly I had the self-control to only drink half of it. So I'm calling it 300. Its a disgusting 300, I know, but I know I'm going to drink those damn things every year so I just prepare for it. Actually, last year I didn't get one at all. I meant to, but never got around to it (I normally avoid McDonald's). This year, not so much, but hopefully I got my fix and can be done.

Rounding up

What did I eat? I keep recalling my calorie count for the day, and I swore when I was chewing up and spitting out that m&m cookie, I was over 700.

But then I go back. (All number rounded up)

Oatmeal - 200

Banana - 200

Cacao nibs - 100

Celery stick with bleu cheese dip - 100

Where is the other 100? Maybe I added 100 because even though I spit most of it out, I probably absorbed some calories inadvertently. 

That's how I count by the way. I don't have to write anything down, or have an app on my phone. I just round everything up to the next 100. Like, realistically that banana was closer to 100 than 200, but it was over 100 so I'm rounding up to 200. We make dumb rules for ourselves, you guys. 

I should have run today, but my body is so sore and I will have more time tomorrow, so I would rather rest a little and run extra far tomorrow when I have the time, than run today for a short bit and potentially not have it in me to go longer tomorrow. Plus, I've increased my distances lately and my energy reserves are a little low, but I have to go out for Thai food with some friends tonight so considering I've had at least 600 Calories today, I'm sure I'll be well over 1000 by the end of the night which should mean having energy to run far tomorrow. That was a long sentence. 

Whoops

I literally binged on straight sugar yesterday. I don't know why. I don't often crave sugar. It's usually the greasy fatty foods I can't fail to resist. But I mixed probably about a cup of powdered sugar with a couple of tablespoons of milk and stirred it into a glaze-like consistency. It didn't taste very good so I mixed in some cocoa powder and then it was chocolaty and yummy. I, of course, destroyed the evidence, but apparently not the smell because when Husband came home three hours later, he asked if I had made brownies because that's how the kitchen smelled.
Jeez.

I wasn't really in the mood to run yesterday, so I wasn't going to, but after that atrocity, I clearly had to, so while the sugar was still giving me a high, I changed my clothes and took the dog out for a 6 mile run. I didn't measure the exact amount of sugar so I don't know if I successfully burned it all off, but it was something.

It's now 7 am and I have had a smoothie (made with one banana, 1 cup of blueberries, 1 tbsp protein powder, and water) and went to a PiYo class already. I need coffee and I'll be ready to start my day.

What sucks about today though, is that I am waiting for a package to arrive. I was planning to stay out of the house all day to avoid eating, but I will have to be here to sign for the package. So instead I am going to try to clean and get rid of things I don't want hanging around the house.

Halfway through the month of February and my clothes still fit the same. This is not good. I'm not trying hard enough.

CocoRosie & PJ Harvey

Mostly all I have been listening to as of late.

I used to be a lot darker. I didn't smile much. I ate too little. 

I was freezing cold earlier today. Instead of turning up the heat, I took a very long very hot bath. I stayed in until I felt light headed. I had to sit on the edge of the tub immediately after emerging. I felt very dizzy. It was the same kind of dizzy I used to feel in the summer time when it was hot and I hadn't eaten in two days. I passed out on more than one occasion way back when. Today's feeling made me miss those days. 

Back to pre-Christmas

Well, I'm back to my pre-Christmas weight. I'm not where I should be for how long I've had to drop those pounds, but when I consider the social obligations thrown at me throughout the month of January, I guess any loss is good. It's also re-affirming my decision to only weigh myself at the beginning of the month. I'm certain if I had been weighing myself three times (or more) a week, I would have seen some intermittent gains that probably would have crushed my resolve. Losing anything pushes me to keep going.

If anything, it's actually my resolve to restrict stronger. It's positive reinforcement. You did your job. Now keep pressing on. Try harder. You can lose more this month.

In other news, I have been re-reading Lina's blog. I used to read along back when she blogged regularly, and I wonder how she's doing these days. I've read her blog in it's entirety in the past and almost everything she says resonates strongly with me.

Your alcohol tolerance is showing.

Knowing I had to go out for Mexican food for two friends' birthdays last night, I made it through the day having only eaten a banana and running 4 miles. I had planned to only have a small margarita, one enchilada, and a side of beans. Well, I was the last one to show up, and every one had already ordered jumbo margaritas because they were basically the same price. Hesitant about the sugar, but enthusiastic about the tequila, I too ordered a jumbo margarita (some estimates online calculate that to be about 600 calories but I'm calling it 1,000 because I am a repulsive person).

Afraid I was going to wind up too drunk to drive home, I ordered extra food (honestly, what is wrong with me???) so I got THREE enchiladas, with beans AND rice. This act of personal terrorism turned out to be entirely unnecessary, because while all of my other friends either drank half of the their margaritas and felt pretty tipsy, or drank theirs entirely and were hammered drunk, I downed mine and felt nothing. Had I ordered less food, I would have felt drunk and consumed fewer calories. 

HAVE I MENTIONED I DRINK TOO MUCH

So today I plan to have my coffee (which I am currently consuming) and then eat an apple in a few hours to try to keep my metabolism going. At some point I will go for a run, and then Husband and I have dinner plans. I would like to figure out how to not eat dinner, and I would also like to not drink alcohol tonight. Probably neither of those is going to happen. 

Closing in on February

So, I told myself I would only weigh-in on the first of every month so that my body actually had time to lose weight, because weighing too often is a downfall of mine. If that scale has gone up when I think it should have gone down, I say "fuck it" and stop restricting. If done properly, weighing only once a month should prevent that. If I haven't lost anything in a month, I'm clearly not even trying.

I didn't hold to this entirely though. I weighed myself about halfway through the month, which I did because like most people, I typically weigh myself first thing in the morning, naked, after I've peed. On this day, I was so curious, and it was late afternoon, I had just eaten, and I was wearing clothes. This was when I was "down a pound" like I said in my last post. So realistically, maybe down more than a pound, but I didn't actually see a lower number, so I'm not saying it was.

And February 1st is really only a few days away, so if I don't want to kill myself on Monday I will have to work hard the next few days.

I'm currently working on talking myself into a run. I'm so sore though. On Tuesday I took two PiYo classes, one at 5 am and one at 6 pm. I'm usually sore after one. I was really feeling it yesterday, and while I was at work, I had to move kegs in the walk-in fridge. The smaller kegs weighed about 60 lbs, and the larger ones weighed about 160 pounds. My arms were shaking by the end of it because they were already sore from PiYo. It was good though, because I ate a fucking burger from Culver's for lunch so at least I burned some of it off. (side note: I was pleasantly surprised when I got home and looked up the calorie count estimation from Culver's, the burger I thought for sure had to be at least 1200 Calories, was only 710, so that's a plus)

But this is also why I used to be so much thinner. It never used to matter how sore I was, I was exercising. Old age has made me lazy. I am almost 30, after all. And here I thought eating/food/weight/body issues were just a phase for teenagers. Ha.

Whiskey, beer, and swimsuits

As usual, booze is my nemesis. If I was really committed to losing weight I would lay off that shit, but I can't seem to. Does that make me an alcoholic?

Sunday night a couple of friends came over and the four of us killed about two and a half bottles of whiskey while hanging in our hot tub.

It's so ingrained into my life though. Husband and I are home brewers, and since I have been unemployed in my field, I have been working both in my friend's beer/wine making supply store and as a brewer in a microbrewery. Every night it seems there are local tappings and events I feel the need want to go to. All of my friends are there. And I love craft beer/wine/liquor. And it's not like I'm getting trashed during the week though occasionally on weekends but I'm easily including an extra 300-500 calories A NIGHT in alcohol. Restricting food is easy. Restricting booze is not. And this is why we are halfway through January and I have lost one pound. I'm not even back to my pre-Christmas weight.

On the plus side, the resolutions are going well. I'm closing in on finishing my third book of the new year (which has not felt nearly as burdensome as I anticipated) and Husband and I ran our first 5k on Saturday. It was about 10 degrees out so we were pretty bundled. The worst part is that the 5k in February could potentially be colder than this. Though, to be perfectly honest I'll take the frigid Midwest winter cold over the sweltering Midwest summer heat. Heat and I are not friends.

Ironed out

So the two solid resolutions are as follows:

1. Read one book every week in 2016. This seems daunting, but I know enough people (even those with busier lives who don't enjoy reading as much as I do) who have accomplished this goal. I can do it. Plus, more time reading should mean less time eating. I never eat while I read - which may help explain part of why I was so skinny in high school, I spent all of my free time exercising or reading.

2. (and this one was Husband's idea) Run an official 5k every month in 2016. This one is a little boring to me, because I typically run longer than that distance at least twice a week (used to be every day. dammit.) and I ran a marathon last year, so a bunch of 5k's is not a big deal. But Husband has been wanting to start running again, and he never really was much of a runner, so he set a goal that was manageable to him but would motivate him to run more often. The hard part has been that the year starts in January and it's cold so while I am fine with it, and have been out running regularly, he has not. So it's going to be harder for him. Our first one is this Saturday. And the high is supposed to be 12 F.

I have been terrible at restricting this past week. I expected it to be hard Sunday through Wednesday because Husband's brother and wife were in town staying with us, and they LOVE to eat. But last Friday I was at my new part time job (while I'm still unemployed by my field) as a brewer at a local brewery. The job is a lot of fun, but the restaurant part of the brewery is open on Friday, and being the nice people that they are, the kitchen was supplying the head brewer and I with a steady supply of fattening food. That, coupled with the beer we already drink while we work was a disaster.

But I won't have to work another Friday there for a bit, and the relatives are gone, so I can finally restrict. I have plenty of calories in me so the plan today is to eat nothing. Just to feel good again. Then tomorrow I'll definitely not be eating all day because we have a friend's birthday party to go to (low-key, not even any booze) and tomorrow is also Husband's and my anniversary so we'll probably at least drink after the party.

Improbable but possible.

Happy New Year you starvin' Marvins!

My trip was okay for the first week (which is all it was supposed to be) as my friends were active and the schedule was busy so I went running every day and ate very little. BUT! Of course I wouldn't be so fortunate as to end on that note. I thought I was in the clear, as I had definitely not gained anything the whole time at my parents' but shortly after checking in for our flight home, our flight was canceled and we couldn't get anything out for another three days. So we decided to make the most of it and visit my in-laws (as they lived closest to the airport that we were able to get out of). I weighed myself the day we got there. I weighed myself the day we left.

I gained 4 pounds in 3 days.

What a fucking joke.

I spent most of December restricting pretty hard so I should be able to keep that mindset in the new year. I'm already accustomed to it so I won't be a shock to my system like most people deal with when starting their overly-ambitious resolutions.

I've got a few other resolutions in mind (like the one I make, and fail to keep, every single year, to go one full calendar year without purging.... maybe 2016 will be the year?) but I'll let you guys know once I have them more ironed out.