Monday, April 11, 2016

Not despair, just exhaustion.

As is often the case, I've been wishing other people would post on here more, but haven't actually been posting myself. We're almost halfway through April.

I don't feel any smaller.

Which is getting increasingly more difficult to take because I'm getting tired. I'm running about between 30 and 40 miles each week, as well as doing yoga 3-4 times a week and PiYo twice a week. I'm keeping my intake between 600-1,000 and I'm soooo tired. I could just sleep all the time. I want a full day with no responsibilities so I can take some vicodin or something else I have kicking around and just sleep all day. I really wish I could sleep without the drugs, but no matter how late I go to sleep or how tired I am, I can't sleep past 6 am. Most days I'm awake by 5:15. Don't get me wrong, I like being a morning person, I really enjoy mornings. If I could fall asleep by 7pm I would love to, but I'm terrible at sleeping, even when tired. And I want every night to take something to help me sleep but I fear dependency so I typically just lie awake for hours and then wake up and start my day shortly after. Is living in an exhausted haze really superior to narcotic dependency? Not so sure. Really I just want to not have to move.


  1. I have a lot of trouble with sleep too. I think it's gotten worse since the AN started, but I'm not sure if it's related or not. If I don't have my smoke, I can't sleep, I'll just stay up and keep going for days (which is problematic as it increases my risk for seizures and/or manic episodes), and I'm always up by 5:30. I know it sounds silly, but does guided meditation or mindfulness or anything like that help? Sometimes the guided meditation/deep breathing CDs (basically just someone counting "in, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4") used to help, but these days with my lung issues it's more stressful than not.

  2. Wow, 30 to 40 miles a week is A LOT.
    I'm struggling to manage 30km a week (which is a lot less). Then again, I'm working 12h+ a day and I worked last weekend on top of the Monday to Friday. Bleah.
    I'm sorry you feel like that and I can totally relate. stay strong hun