Monday, September 26, 2016

Set up for a week of partying.


All right. I can deal. I really hoped for lower. Especially since I was drinking over the weekend and I know that is a dehydrated number. Also, because I am going out of town tomorrow for a week and it's going to be party central while we celebrate Husband's brother's wedding.

I really thought I felt smaller so I took my measurements (which I hadn't done since the end of May because I did such a shitty job all summer) and I am significantly smaller. I mean only about an inch everywhere (waist, ribs, forearms, biceps, thighs, calves, hips) but it's still smaller than when I last measured and I was in the high 150's. Hopefully this means losing fat and gaining muscle. This is why I hate the scale though, because I want to BE smaller, and the scale is rarely representative of that. I mean, it gives me an idea but I can actually be shrinking in size without the scale moving that much.

Any way, wish me luck as I embark on a week of partying. I'll probably come back 85 lbs heavier because it's what I do. I need REAL self-control. Not just when it's convenient.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Calorie deficit and not fucking.

The past couple of days my intake was right around 700. A smoothie in the morning, about a cup of grapes and a handful of nuts in the afternoon, and a salad or stir-fried veggies in the evening. Meanwhile I've burned about 900 each day running. I should be feeling smaller by now, but honestly I feel like I've been the same size for the past 2 weeks. I'm kind of glad I've resisted stepping on the scale because I'm pretty sure the number wouldn't have changed which would make me feel like shit. I just have to tell myself to keep going, even though the energy deficit is leaving me exhausted during the day and unable to sleep at night. I have to get smaller. I have to. And this may be a plateau, but plateaus don't last forever.

I appreciate your comments on the man-friend post. I can't see us fucking, ever. I don't think I could do that to my Husband even if I wanted to. I've been cheated on in the past and I know how hurtful it was. I can't see him cheating on his wife either. They've been together for like 20 years (he's something like 17 years older than I am) and he adores her. Hence my desire for him to adore me (I hate myself just writing that). I think it's really just each other's attention we are going for. Of course this can be dangerous in itself I suppose. What happens if we are both successful? What lines do we have to cross to know for sure we have the other's attention?

Monday, September 12, 2016

I think we're playing the same game.

I'm not into him. But his wife is perfect. And in my mind, if he's married to her, but he wants me, that makes me better than her.

And I'm certain he's not into me. But men want me. It's not a secret and I can't pretend that men find me repulsive. I'm popular and an uncomfortable number of my male friends have what I would call "crushes" on me. I pretend to not notice, but I'm aware.  And I'm fairly certain that if all the men want me and my attention is focused on him, that makes him better than all the other men.

It's a weird mess and everything I hate about him are all of the things I hate about myself.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


I made it through Labor Day weekend without too much damage. In fact, all meals except for last night's were small or non-existent. I did go way over board last night, primarily from the booze. Appetizers, entree, dessert, after dinner coffee w/ Rumchata, wine, whiskey. Ugh. This is why I was especially surprised when I woke up this morning not feeling bloated or disgusting. I actually felt quite comfortable. Maybe this will help keep me on track. Maybe it's because my body needed some sustenance. The primary difficulty I have been experiencing in the past week has been dizziness. I have always had very low blood pressure (systolic rarely creeps up above 88) and when I start restricting that gets lower. So I've been doing a lot of graying-out. I haven't actually passed out yet, but I've had a couple of close calls, especially when standing up too quickly.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

It's early. Or is it late?

Hunger has been keeping me awake at night. It's not unbearable, just enough to make sleep impossible. I went to bed at 11:30 (later than normal for a morning person such as myself) and didn't fall asleep until 1 am. I then awoke at 2:45 and at 4:45 threw in the towel on trying to sleep any more. My alarm would be going off soon anyway. So its 5:30 now, and I made myself some tea and am painting my nails to avoid eating. If I was going to get up and eat I might as well have just stayed in bed.

Today is the first of the month and I'm not stepping on a scale. I'm going to try to hold out until I go to Husband's brother's wedding October 1st (which will mean a Sept 27 weigh-in because that's when we are leaving town).

But I feel smaller. Last night I wore some shorts when we went out for drinks (at a place that doesn't serve food, yay!) that were too small for me until yesterday.

So I'm allowing my size and hunger pains to lead me on for now. The scale is so deceptive and can de-rail progress so quickly. I should just get rid of the damn thing altogether and keep to my size. That's what I did at my thinnest. I lived with my parents who didn't have a scale and I couldn't have told you how much I weighed. I just used my shrinking measurements to gauge. I need to try to do that again because really the number doesn't matter to me so much as the space I am taking up.