Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Drunkorexia with friends

I just keep cutting back my food intake so I can increase ethanol consumption.

I've also noticed man-friend seems to do the same thing. Does he have an eating disorder?? Am I projecting? He talks a lot about his obsessive self-control. He's really thin. And I see him almost every day now, he hardly eats, except for when he hasn't eaten all day and then pulls all of the food from his fridge and ravenously stuffs his face. He downs coffee like it's his job. When we hang out at night he eats little to none at all, and then drinks like a fish. As the drinks get stronger, he drinks faster. Even last night we ordered a pizza, thin crust, divided into probably around 30 slices (so, thin slices) and he probably ate two, which is the equivalent of less than one regular slice.

I also need to stop bringing up any things I'm working on or struggling with around him, because it inevitably leads to him bragging about how great his superhero wife is (the one I'm stalker-ishly jealous of). The day I mentioned the burden of my student loans, he mentioned how quickly she paid hers off. The day I discussed the struggles of the business aspect of being a doctor, he went on to explain what an incredible businesswoman she is. Last night I mentioned how I had been struggling to fit the exercise I need into my busy schedule but have been trying to ditch that as an excuse and so I went for two 2 mile runs yesterday because it was the best I could possibly do, and I definitely didn't have enough time to run more than that at one shot. He then proceeded to explain how even though his wife works 60 hours a week, she always manages to work out every day (which of course explains why she looks so damn good) and that he is always willing to watch the kids to allow her to do so because, as he stated, "Every guy wants their lady to look good."

Fucking fact. And it's not anything I didn't already know, and have actually addressed before in the context of wanting to look good around Husband's co-workers because I know how it bodes well for a man in society to have an attractive wife. It just would have been nicer to hear it in a context that didn't feel like "Hey in case you forgot, you are an inferior human being!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Excuses on excuses.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I can't lose weight without exercising. Do I sound like a broken record?? I've been cutting back and cutting back and eating almost entirely fruits and vegetables with a few healthy fats and proteins thrown in, I haven't binged and I've even cut my alcohol intake in half and I haven't lost an ounce. Why? Hardly exercising at all.

It doesn't make logical sense, I should be losing if I was maintaining at one caloric intake and then decreased it. But not if you have a metabolism that crashes to the ground without regular cardio!

I need to run. But the only chances I get are at night, which is fine in better weather, but in the bitter cold is a guaranteed way to slip and fall on some unforeseen ice. I've been doing a little yoga, but not enough to actually amount to the calorie burn of a 10 mile run. I have a treadmill in my basement, but rarely use it because it's janky as hell (I got it for free) and the incline doesn't work at all AND WHAT IS RUNNING IF IT ISN'T UPHILL????

So mostly I'm full of shit excuses but I appreciate if you've read this far.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

I think I did it.

After a hefty meal on one of the last days of 2016 (I no longer remember exactly which one), I wanted very badly to spill it all out in the bathroom. But then it occurred to me: I think 2016 was the first calendar year in many that I have not purged. 

I plan to read through my posts from last year to make sure I am telling the truth, but I think I actually did it. Maybe I can be done with that for good. 

There is another side of me that is thinking "Hey, I accomplished the goal, so I know I am capable, so what difference would it make if I went back to my old habits?? They obviously don't control me."

But for today I am going to choose to be optimistic and think that maybe I can keep my fingers out of my throat for good.