A bad idea

So at the start of the year I had made an experimental goal for myself to not weigh myself for 1 whole calendar year. So far I'm still doing it.

What I hoped would happen:
I would stop obsessing about my weight.
I would focus on how I felt versus what number I saw.
My head would start to think more rationally.
I would see what I really looked like in the mirror.
I could get my head free from this mess and focus on things that matter.

What has actually happened:
I think I'm fat no matter what.
I can't at all tell what I look like. I thought I might be able to based on how my clothes fit, but each season I get out last year's clothes and some fit and some don't. Some fit the same, some are tighter, a couple seem looser. What the fuck??
Some days I look in the mirror and see a blob of fat and rolls.
Some days I look in the mirror and see a lean, fit adult woman.
Some photos of me look good. Others look terrible. What do I actually look like?

My head is a mess. I have wanted to post on here but I don't even know what to say.

I went to the Czech Republic in July. It was a great trip. Every one there was, in fact, very thin tho I can only attribute that to walking everywhere because their food is SO HEAVY and calorie dense. A few people made remarks on how fit I looked. At one point we hiked 25 km on no sleep and I had more energy than almost every one I was hiking with. So at least I didn't embarrass myself on that front. I might look like a giant whale, but at least I had good physical fitness.

As always... The holidays are coming. I need to be thin for the holidays. I can't deal if I'm not.
And normally I am sad to see them over (I gain enough satisfaction in decor that it's easier to not eat). But this year, the New Year will mark the start of weighing myself again. I need that in my life.

Still fat

I haven't been on all year because I don't have numbers.

I recalled the time in my life that I got the thinnest, I literally never weighed myself. I just kept restricting and getting smaller.

So I decided to try to go the entire year of 2018 not stepping on a scale.

It hasn't helped. At first it even made things worse. I gained weight in the first part of the year (like, probably 15 pounds if I had to guess) because I knew I wasn't going to "see" the numbers in the morning. The problem was, I soon started to "see" the numbers of my pants rising. Technically I can still squeeze into my clothes but they're super tight. And in fact, a number of pairs of shorts that I wore last year are now too tight to wear this year.

AND....

We have a beach vacation scheduled for the first week of July.

Fuck.

I told husband I'm not eating carbs between now and then. It's honestly the fastest way I can think to lose the weight. That combined with 18/6 intermittent fasting. And running every day. If I can lose at least ten pounds in the next three weeks I should be okay.

Then hopefully keep losing weight, because after the beach vacation, I will be taking a trip to do some work in the Czech Republic for two weeks at the end of July, and like I said when I left for Portugal last year, I refuse to be the "Fat American" when I travel abroad.