A bad idea

So at the start of the year I had made an experimental goal for myself to not weigh myself for 1 whole calendar year. So far I'm still doing it.

What I hoped would happen:
I would stop obsessing about my weight.
I would focus on how I felt versus what number I saw.
My head would start to think more rationally.
I would see what I really looked like in the mirror.
I could get my head free from this mess and focus on things that matter.

What has actually happened:
I think I'm fat no matter what.
I can't at all tell what I look like. I thought I might be able to based on how my clothes fit, but each season I get out last year's clothes and some fit and some don't. Some fit the same, some are tighter, a couple seem looser. What the fuck??
Some days I look in the mirror and see a blob of fat and rolls.
Some days I look in the mirror and see a lean, fit adult woman.
Some photos of me look good. Others look terrible. What do I actually look like?

My head is a mess. I have wanted to post on here but I don't even know what to say.

I went to the Czech Republic in July. It was a great trip. Every one there was, in fact, very thin tho I can only attribute that to walking everywhere because their food is SO HEAVY and calorie dense. A few people made remarks on how fit I looked. At one point we hiked 25 km on no sleep and I had more energy than almost every one I was hiking with. So at least I didn't embarrass myself on that front. I might look like a giant whale, but at least I had good physical fitness.

As always... The holidays are coming. I need to be thin for the holidays. I can't deal if I'm not.
And normally I am sad to see them over (I gain enough satisfaction in decor that it's easier to not eat). But this year, the New Year will mark the start of weighing myself again. I need that in my life.