Saturday, August 26, 2017

158

Getting back down to 160 was pretty easy. It was mostly bloat/water. Now I am once again, working my way down the 150's. With my impatience, my net intakes in the past few days have been between 300-700. I've been eating a little over 1,000 kcals per day, but exercising. Trying desperately to keep my metabolism up. Husband was out of town yesterday and today so I walk/ran 10 miles with the dogs, went to bed early to avoid late night binges, which then helped me to get up early today and get a few miles in with doggies before helping out at a friend's store all day. Husband shouldn't be home until later this evening so I should be able to get a few more miles in with the dogs before he gets home.

Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

A week of self-destruction

I hadn't binged in a really long time. Like, not even one binge meal. At least a sober one anyway. I guess there were a few times I stuffed my face while drunk at 2 am. I'd have to look back through posts but I think it was prior to 2017 since a premeditated, sober binge. And then last week I spent an entire week stuffing my face. In the wake of the few pound I had gained I went nuts. I lost my mind. I bought ice cream, cereal, peanut butter, chocolate (I don't even like chocolate), brownie mix.... On two occasions I mixed up the boxed brownie batter and ate almost the entire thing in one sitting without even baking it. Just the fucking batter. I, of course, had to wait until Husband wasn't home which was a little tricky but I don't work quite as many hours as he does so it wasn't that hard.

I didn't exercise. Not once. No walking the dogs. No solo runs. Just face stuffing for seven straight days.

I was tired, and felt awful. My skin looked horrific. I barely slept.

And I punished myself in the meantime. I would step on the scale, look at the giant number, go eat bread dipped in oil. Step on the scale, look at the now larger number eat a fast food hamburger. All week I would do this.

And oh my the alcohol. I think I averaged 6 drinks per night each week (how else would I get to sleep and live with the disgust?!)

And then I tipped. I got the number on the scale all the way up to 170 fucking pounds. I felt high just looking at it. It didn't feel real.

Over the course of one week I managed to gain 13 pounds! I could barely fit into the work clothes that were hanging off of me back in June.

But maybe I needed to swing the pendulum to regain some momentum. I had been so stuck. And I don't know if I've ever felt as disgusted with myself as I did Monday morning. Realizing just how awful I felt eating garbage and not exercising has definitely renewed my desire to restrict INCLUDING ALCOHOL. Last night was the first night in over a month that I only had one drink. The binge week was enough to scare me out of even alcohol calories.

After just one day of being more reasonable, I was back down to 165 this morning (can't believe I'm typing those words....) and I got a good 7 mile run in today. Funny thing about it was even though it's disgustingly humid out (usually kills my pace) my average pace was more than a minute faster than it had been in months and I didn't really feel like I was pushing myself. Crazy was some fuel and hydration will do.

So today I've had some frozen fruit, an egg, cauliflower, kale, and some water. But more importantly, I feel motivated. I can keep this up.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Alcohol

I've gained about 4 pounds.

I've been drinking a lot. Food has stayed about the same. Alcohol has increased.

And the most concerning thing has been that I'm more worried about how to eat less than drink less.

I've seen so many videos online about girls who "had" eating disorders. They talk about weighing themselves "EVERY DAY" as though that's such a scary, disordered thing. I roll my eyes every time.

Once per day seems pretty healthy at this point. I know my stepping on and off the scale multiple times over the day while calculating "am, I hydrated? how many hours since I last ate? how much salt/sugar have I had? what am I wearing?" is insane, but I can't stop.

I can't stop stepping on and off the scale.

I can't stop drinking.

I can't stop eating.

I can't stop starving.

I just can't stop.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Travels and races

Visited some friends in South Carolina over Memorial day. When we were getting ready to go to the beach, my friend was lamenting her weight gain since moving about a year ago. I mentioned that I had gained weight but recently lost some of it, and that I currently weigh about 155. She looked genuinely shocked that I told her that number and said she would have guessed I was 130. I usually think people are just being overly flattering when they say things like that, but she's a pretty honest friend and sounded legitimately surprised.

Wouldn't 130 be nice?!

I'll get there.

In other news, my sister-in-law convinced me to run a 10k with her when I visit her in New Hampshire in July. What she didn't say up front is that it's a race that has been named the "most competitive hill climb" by Runner's World magazine. The final kilometer of the race is apparently up a grassy slope that exceeds a 40% grade. Yikes. I live in the flat Midwest and am definitely not conditioned for that.

I guess it's motivation to find as many hills as I can and run up them.

Friday, May 19, 2017

153

I finally did it. After about a two month plateau. I think that's the longest plateau I've ever had without a discouraged binge.

153.0 this morning. I almost didn't believe it, I had to step on and off the scale a few times. Same reading each time.

I think the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I was actually getting smaller. My waist is down to just below 26 inches and one of my size 4 pairs of shorts is getting to be too big (the others that were snug fit fine) so even though my weight wasn't budging, at least something seemed to be changing. Really I could fit into size 2 (which is the dress size I wear) if it wasn't for my giant thighs and ass.

A likely help has been that I've been avoiding sugar. Turns out the reason I was feeling so high all the time is that I have what's called "post-prandial reactive hypoglycemia". It took me a while to figure it out because even though I had been checking my blood sugar (one of my first thoughts when I started feeling odd as my father, brother, and maternal grandmother all have/had Type I diabetes) when I was fasting it was 70 (which is as low as it can be and still be considered normal) and about an hour and a half to two hours after I ate, it would be between 90 and 108, which is still fine. What I hadn't done was check it every 10 minutes after eating. It would initially go up (to only about 118) and then plummet down into the 50's before stabilizing about an hour after I ate.

So I've been dealing with trying to steady my blood sugar, which is a very good thing. It's nice to have a "medical condition" as an excuse to get out of eating garbage. And it's easier for me to resist binges because I know I'll feel like shit if I do it (and not just mentally).

I can't help thinking this whole "condition" is slightly my fault. Too many years of binge/starve/gain/lose. Probably fucked up an already iffy pancreas. Oh well. It's not full-blown diabetes and I can live with it. Probably a blessing in disguise.

Friday, April 28, 2017

A little yo-yo action

Discouraged with my stagnant weight, I decided to give myself two weeks of eating whatever, whenever. When I have done this in the past, I usually only give myself a week, but I have been wanting to get past my "weekend psychology" as I refer to it, where I restrict so hard during the week and then go nuts on the weekend. Even though I hadn't been doing that with food calories, I was consuming obscene amounts of alcohol every weekend. So two weeks, eating AND drinking whatever I felt like. This whole two weeks concluded with a weekend in Chicago with Husband. I figured it would be a good last hurrah as the place we were staying was only a 10 minute walk from my favorite craft beer bar, and countless amazing restaurants.

I was surprised to find I didn't binge like crazy at any point during those two weeks. Maybe it was a long enough duration that I didn't feel the need. I knew the food would still be there the next day.

I was also surprised to find I only went up to 160 lbs (I knew there would be a gain, I was prepared for worse).

Whether fortunately, or unfortunately, about 10 days into those two weeks, I started feeling inexplicably high all the time (which sounds cool, but going to work every day has been too stressful. I need to be able to focus). The first day it hit me, I thought it was just some kind of stoneover (Husband and I had been smoking in the days prior), but when it didn't go away after two days, I knew something else was up. I thought maybe allergies, but antihistamines didn't help, and long story short, I ended up getting blood work done. They did every blood panel imaginable, CBC, comprehensive metabolic panel, vitamin D status, serum hCG, et cetera. Everything came back normal.

So, as per Husband's suggestion, I decided to do a cleanse. His idea was juicing, but I'm not a big fan of straight juicing for health reasons as the fiber, fat, and protein in solid foods are beneficial for helping you utilize the nutrients in the fruits and veggies, as well as feeding good intestinal flora.

What I decided to do was a variation. I would make two fruit/veggie juices each day, and be allowed to eat as many fruits and vegetables as I want, as well as half of an avocado and 2 oz of some sort of nut or legume (usually almonds or cashews), and drink 2 quarts of lemon water, and 6 oz black coffee each day.

After 4 days of this, I am feeling less high (I wake up each morning feeling normal but by mid morning I'm feeling a little high again) and I am back down to 154. Hoping a few more days of this will get me to 153, but after the past month I'd be surprised. Although I haven't been consuming any alcohol, which was likely the culprit of why I couldn't get below 154, so that gives me a bit of hope.

Even more than not wanting to feel constantly high, I don't want to be fat all summer.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

One whole month

I keep cutting back and cutting back. The past two days, my net calorie intake has been in the negatives. Prior to that, the low to mid hundreds.

And I'm still 154.

And I keep thinking, "maybe it's not negative enough".

-100

-300

-800

How can I exercise away more calories than I eat, (not including everyday living calories) for over a week, and STILL not lose anything.

Meanwhile a close friend of mine, who it already thin, is going through a breakup and documenting how much weight she's lost. A couple of weeks ago, so was 113 (she's probably around 5'3" or something, if I had to guess) and then this morning she was 109.

WTF

Why am I still so fat. I can understand a week, or even two, with serious restriction and not losing, but a fucking month? Kill me now.