Thursday, July 20, 2017


I've gained about 4 pounds.

I've been drinking a lot. Food has stayed about the same. Alcohol has increased.

And the most concerning thing has been that I'm more worried about how to eat less than drink less.

I've seen so many videos online about girls who "had" eating disorders. They talk about weighing themselves "EVERY DAY" as though that's such a scary, disordered thing. I roll my eyes every time.

Once per day seems pretty healthy at this point. I know my stepping on and off the scale multiple times over the day while calculating "am, I hydrated? how many hours since I last ate? how much salt/sugar have I had? what am I wearing?" is insane, but I can't stop.

I can't stop stepping on and off the scale.

I can't stop drinking.

I can't stop eating.

I can't stop starving.

I just can't stop.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Travels and races

Visited some friends in South Carolina over Memorial day. When we were getting ready to go to the beach, my friend was lamenting her weight gain since moving about a year ago. I mentioned that I had gained weight but recently lost some of it, and that I currently weigh about 155. She looked genuinely shocked that I told her that number and said she would have guessed I was 130. I usually think people are just being overly flattering when they say things like that, but she's a pretty honest friend and sounded legitimately surprised.

Wouldn't 130 be nice?!

I'll get there.

In other news, my sister-in-law convinced me to run a 10k with her when I visit her in New Hampshire in July. What she didn't say up front is that it's a race that has been named the "most competitive hill climb" by Runner's World magazine. The final kilometer of the race is apparently up a grassy slope that exceeds a 40% grade. Yikes. I live in the flat Midwest and am definitely not conditioned for that.

I guess it's motivation to find as many hills as I can and run up them.

Friday, May 19, 2017


I finally did it. After about a two month plateau. I think that's the longest plateau I've ever had without a discouraged binge.

153.0 this morning. I almost didn't believe it, I had to step on and off the scale a few times. Same reading each time.

I think the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I was actually getting smaller. My waist is down to just below 26 inches and one of my size 4 pairs of shorts is getting to be too big (the others that were snug fit fine) so even though my weight wasn't budging, at least something seemed to be changing. Really I could fit into size 2 (which is the dress size I wear) if it wasn't for my giant thighs and ass.

A likely help has been that I've been avoiding sugar. Turns out the reason I was feeling so high all the time is that I have what's called "post-prandial reactive hypoglycemia". It took me a while to figure it out because even though I had been checking my blood sugar (one of my first thoughts when I started feeling odd as my father, brother, and maternal grandmother all have/had Type I diabetes) when I was fasting it was 70 (which is as low as it can be and still be considered normal) and about an hour and a half to two hours after I ate, it would be between 90 and 108, which is still fine. What I hadn't done was check it every 10 minutes after eating. It would initially go up (to only about 118) and then plummet down into the 50's before stabilizing about an hour after I ate.

So I've been dealing with trying to steady my blood sugar, which is a very good thing. It's nice to have a "medical condition" as an excuse to get out of eating garbage. And it's easier for me to resist binges because I know I'll feel like shit if I do it (and not just mentally).

I can't help thinking this whole "condition" is slightly my fault. Too many years of binge/starve/gain/lose. Probably fucked up an already iffy pancreas. Oh well. It's not full-blown diabetes and I can live with it. Probably a blessing in disguise.

Friday, April 28, 2017

A little yo-yo action

Discouraged with my stagnant weight, I decided to give myself two weeks of eating whatever, whenever. When I have done this in the past, I usually only give myself a week, but I have been wanting to get past my "weekend psychology" as I refer to it, where I restrict so hard during the week and then go nuts on the weekend. Even though I hadn't been doing that with food calories, I was consuming obscene amounts of alcohol every weekend. So two weeks, eating AND drinking whatever I felt like. This whole two weeks concluded with a weekend in Chicago with Husband. I figured it would be a good last hurrah as the place we were staying was only a 10 minute walk from my favorite craft beer bar, and countless amazing restaurants.

I was surprised to find I didn't binge like crazy at any point during those two weeks. Maybe it was a long enough duration that I didn't feel the need. I knew the food would still be there the next day.

I was also surprised to find I only went up to 160 lbs (I knew there would be a gain, I was prepared for worse).

Whether fortunately, or unfortunately, about 10 days into those two weeks, I started feeling inexplicably high all the time (which sounds cool, but going to work every day has been too stressful. I need to be able to focus). The first day it hit me, I thought it was just some kind of stoneover (Husband and I had been smoking in the days prior), but when it didn't go away after two days, I knew something else was up. I thought maybe allergies, but antihistamines didn't help, and long story short, I ended up getting blood work done. They did every blood panel imaginable, CBC, comprehensive metabolic panel, vitamin D status, serum hCG, et cetera. Everything came back normal.

So, as per Husband's suggestion, I decided to do a cleanse. His idea was juicing, but I'm not a big fan of straight juicing for health reasons as the fiber, fat, and protein in solid foods are beneficial for helping you utilize the nutrients in the fruits and veggies, as well as feeding good intestinal flora.

What I decided to do was a variation. I would make two fruit/veggie juices each day, and be allowed to eat as many fruits and vegetables as I want, as well as half of an avocado and 2 oz of some sort of nut or legume (usually almonds or cashews), and drink 2 quarts of lemon water, and 6 oz black coffee each day.

After 4 days of this, I am feeling less high (I wake up each morning feeling normal but by mid morning I'm feeling a little high again) and I am back down to 154. Hoping a few more days of this will get me to 153, but after the past month I'd be surprised. Although I haven't been consuming any alcohol, which was likely the culprit of why I couldn't get below 154, so that gives me a bit of hope.

Even more than not wanting to feel constantly high, I don't want to be fat all summer.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

One whole month

I keep cutting back and cutting back. The past two days, my net calorie intake has been in the negatives. Prior to that, the low to mid hundreds.

And I'm still 154.

And I keep thinking, "maybe it's not negative enough".




How can I exercise away more calories than I eat, (not including everyday living calories) for over a week, and STILL not lose anything.

Meanwhile a close friend of mine, who it already thin, is going through a breakup and documenting how much weight she's lost. A couple of weeks ago, so was 113 (she's probably around 5'3" or something, if I had to guess) and then this morning she was 109.


Why am I still so fat. I can understand a week, or even two, with serious restriction and not losing, but a fucking month? Kill me now.

Friday, March 17, 2017


According to my Calorie count app, I should have lost 4 pounds in the past two weeks.
Instead I have lost none. And I have no energy. The caffeine I need to get through my day is making me jittery and if I restrict any more I'm certain to binge. Net Calories have been right around 900 each day (some days a little more, some days a little less) I know if I consistently consume under 700 for too many days I binge so I'm trying to avoid that, but honestly, how the fuck am I supposed to lose any more weight like this? I'm not skinny. There's no reason this should be so difficult. Aren't you supposed to shed pounds easier if you're fatter? I'm getting so frustrated.

Thursday, March 2, 2017


Husband and I were invited to spend a week with two of our friends in Portugal in September. We booked our tickets yesterday and I REFUSE to be the fat American tourist, so I have bumped up my running even more and am learning Portuguese on

LoseIt still says I should be losing at least two pounds per week, but I'm not. I guess I killed my metabolism long ago. On the plus side, I have been keeping my alcohol intake down (read: 2 drinks per night instead of 4, go me) and I wasn't even going to drink at all last night but some one asked me to sample a couple of beers so I had about 6 ounces of beer. That's still a lot less than usual. And I guess I was rewarded because this morning I was 154.0

It feels good to at least be losing something again.