Twice this year

Over the past few days I have gone back and re-read my entire blog. Crazy. 

And I realized 2023 was the first calendar year in which I hadn't posted since 2011! Wild. But I had a toddler and a newborn so.... also not surprising. Very much just surviving that year. 

I was definitely a lot younger in 2011! Cringing at some of my earliest posts. And it was a weird walk down memory lane as I've also been deleting old photos off my phone (I'm terrible at deleting photos) so seeing pictures of myself from 2016 while also reading my blog posts from back then made me feel like I was back there. 

Which is strange. What would future me tell me now? Because I felt simultaneously jealous of 2016 me (she was much thinner than I am) and sad for her (she was so unhealthy). So much I want to say to her.

Which isn't to say I'm healthy now. Just in a very different head space. Maybe a better one?

Even looking back to posts from a year after my daughter was born... That was such a hard time. No sleep, earliest days of the pandemic, trouble breastfeeding, weight gain, isolation. I don't think I gave myself enough credit at the time for how hard that stage of life was. 

Even just sleep deprivation. Husband and I were talking about that the other night. Shortly after our son started sleeping through the night our daughter went through a sleep regression and we were up with her almost every night for months. It's hard to go years without sleep. I frequently would remark to Husband that there's a reason sleep deprivation is used to torture prisoners. 

But as of about a month ago, both kids are sleeping through the night almost every night. It makes such a big difference in mental and physical health.

I also left my job last year. With the astronomical cost of childcare and the fact that Husband's job doesn't allow him to be able to help much if the kids are sick, or a sitter is sick, or something comes up and I was constantly having to take off work (and then give half my paycheck to the sitter when I did work) it was just less stressful for our home in general if I stopped working. 

It was definitely the right move, but I do miss my job. And I feel selfish sometimes expressing that because I have so many close friends that would LOVE to stay home with their kids but they're either divorced, or their husbands don't make enough money, or they're struggling to even have kids. 

I know I'm fortunate, but as someone whose identity was so wrapped up in their job for so long, it's hard to let go, even if not permanently. But the years, they do fly by.

I've thought about posting here more regularly to try to keep myself accountable, I'm just not quite sure accountable for what.  Restricting? Drinking? I don't know. Maybe just to get some thoughts out.

I'm considering posting my weight on here but it's so high (though not my highest) that it feels shameful. 

Even though the reason it was so high was not primarily because I gave birth, or because of the pandemic, those happened to coincide with the weight gain so it looks like it from the outside. 

No, the weight gain was from coming face to face with my daughter. I knew my habits were terrible, and as they say "more is caught than taught". I wanted to "heal" my relationship with food. 

I was inspired by Stephanie Buttermore's "all in" journey (on YouTube if you look her up)

I wasn't "underweight" and obviously hadn't lost my period (hi, gave birth) but I was cold and exhausted all the time (which you can see in my posts from 2015-2017) and knew I was restricting to an unhealthy level. Why else would I keep my blog a secret?? 

But I wanted to see what would happen if I gave myself unlimited permission to eat. Whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. 

Well, I gained almost 30 pounds in a few months. 

Which was pretty devastating at the time but I was determined to see it through. No restricting. 

But after a few months, my hunger subsided. I wasn't craving anything or tempted to binge. I started to eat a normal amount of food and feel full. And I stopped gaining weight. Then after a few months, I started losing weight. Slowly, but losing. Like one or two pounds per month. Which is all pretty much on track with most people who do the "all in" thing. 

The only thing that changed was when I started intermittent fasting for my gut/skin health. I started losing weight a little more rapidly (tho not extremely) and it felt good. It brought up old memories of fasting highs, lightheaded feelings, secrets. Maybe that's part of what I have been missing too. Something that's just mine. 

I don't get out enough. I'm home with my kids all the time, which again, I'm over all very thankful for, but I have definitely lost some of myself in it. 

Husband encourages me to get together with friends but my friends are so busy too it's practically impossible. It takes a lot for me to reach out and ask someone to hang out and when I do and they say they are too busy I just shrink back a little more. 

Restricting feels like an old friend. 

I keep telling myself not to go down the rabbit hole. I've made a lot of progress. A healthy relationship with food (which once seemed completely impossible) doesn't feel entirely out of reach.  

Future me would probably tell me to call a friend or go for a walk. But restricting is easier. At least at the moment. 

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Also, thank you for your comments Bella and Lucy, I've wanted to comment on your blogs now that I'm back (as well as a couple of people who hadn't posted in about five years and are back!) but blogger isn't letting me comment. it keeps saying I'm not signed in (even tho I obviously am, I'm posting). Anyone else ever had this issue?