Saturday, December 29, 2012


Only down half a pound this morning.


Is it possible that I gained that much ACTUAL weight over the holiday?

My thought is this: Sodium and carbs.

I normally don't eat a lot of carbs and I do work out a lot, so maybe that sugar is glycogen being stored (which stores a shit ton of water with it) and I have had wayyyy too much sodium. Even yesterday I had quite a bit.

Hoping this it more water bloat than fat. Otherwise I'm amputating a leg.

Friday, December 28, 2012

The other side

I made it through! Mostly successfully.

Stepping on the scale today, I told myself "As long as it's under _ _ _ lbs, I can handle it"
And I was 0.5 lbs under that number.

The number that put me at about a 5 pound gain.

So I'm 4.5 lbs heavier than I was this time last week, which ordinarily would be a devastating number, however, when I take long trips I tend to gain 2-3 lbs of travel bloat that usually takes less than two days to take off, so that will be gone soon. And the other pound or two I doubt will take more than a week. And since I have nowhere I have to go for the coming week, I'm not going to stress about it.

My only real concern is that I am currently fighting off a cold, I can feel it. So as long as I keep that at bay, I should be able to restrict and exercise plenty to get these pounds off. 

Mom kept her crazy to a minimum during my visit, which was nice. She's a little hard to deal with but I find as long as I just smile and nod and keep my mouth shut while she rambles on about conspiracy theories and how every one in the world (including all of her children) are so beneath her, then everything is fine.
It's only a few days.

Christmas day I ate WAY too much sugar. As most of you know, I am sugar-aphobic. So typically, I don't eat much of it. But Christmas Eve and Christmas day I ate fudge, chocolate, almond bark, almond cake, peppermint bark, pie, ice cream and banana/sweet cream crepes. My body was on total sugar overload and I felt SOOOO sick to my stomach. I can't remember the last time I felt that nauseous. So I purged some of it in the bathroom.

As many of you know, I hate purging, so I wasn't psyched to be doing this, but I'm not counting it as a standard b/p kind of thing that I try to avoid. I didn't bring nearly everything up. Just enough to get rid of the nausea. I thought of bringing more up. It was tempting beyond belief. But I was too worried that I would either a) leave the bathroom thinking "hey, my stomach is now empty, I could probably stuff some more shit down my throat", or b) fall back in to a habit of purging. Neither of which were options I like, so I just brought up enough to quell the nausea. What really sucked is that I have had a giant canker sore in the back of my mouth for almost a week now and so I hadn't been moving my mouth to any large degree (more than was required to stuff my face with sugar) and when I purged I basically pulled my mylohyoid muscle. It hurt so bad! So still had a mild stomach ache, a very large canker sore and now a pulled mylohyoid. I admitted defeat at that point and went to bed.

This brings me to my next point: That instance aside, 2012 will now be my second full calendar year since high school of no purging! And it has been good for me. Fewer binges. Net loss of pounds over the year. Even though I have gone up and down a lot, I'm ending this year thinner than I ended last year which was thinner than I ended the year before that.
I'm still nowhere near the stick figure I was at the end of high school but I have hope. I really do.

Any one making New Years resolutions? I would like to. I didn't make any definitive ones last year, but I think I would like to this year.

Options I am considering:
Drinking more water (some set amount more)
Being more disciplined at getting up early and working out
Something pertaining to my personal appearance. I am one of those people who gets busy and stops putting in effort. That needs to stop.
Monthly weight loss goals
Getting a 4.0 in one of (if not all of) my terms this year at school (I've come close)
Brushing up on my Russian
Begin memorizing some complex textbook (I met a man who had both Guyton's and Gray's memorized. That amazes me)

Maybe I will pick two or three of these and make them more specific and make those my goals.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Here we go

Yeah, my last post was a little weary. I've been feeling kind of weary. Today was a pretty good day though. Better than the last few.

I drink too much.


I could probably be about 3 or 4 pounds slimmer by now if I didn't drink so goddamn much.

I have been losing, so that's good. Remember how I said I gained twenty pounds since last spring?

Well, fifteen are gone.
But the next week is going to be tough.
Christmas, and all.

Luckily (?) we will only be at my folks' house for four days. But my mom has already called me to tell me she is making Cuban sandwiches for Christmas Eve, I am making a roast for Christmas dinner (as I do every year), and she has already made almond bark, fudge and brownie bites.

For any of you readers who have been here a while (maybe even some from way back, before I started my blog over a couple of times) you know my mom force feeds us.
Even Husband, who LOVES to eat, is dreading the amount of food my mom makes us eat. She doesn't stop cooking the whole time we are there and gets all mad if we don't eat every bite. It's not even tempting or pleasant, it's just a stomach ache.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom's cooking. But it's beyond excessive.
I try to say "hey, put the utensils down and just hang out, we want to spend time with you" (which is half true since half the time she's pleasant and fun, and half the time she's batshit crazy), but she just cooks and cooks away.

At least it's only 4 days. And there will be home made dandelion wine.

Since I'm not taking my computer with me (the only place from where I access this site) I won't be posting until next week. Probably Thursday at the earliest.

So Merry Christmas and best wishes to you all. Good luck with the holidays, and try to find the joy in it! I love you all.

Friday, December 14, 2012

I recently broke through in to the next ten pound mark. Nichole was so right about that. It seems like I can drop pounds so fast in the middle of a ten pound mark but when I get down to the bottom of it, it just hovers forever.

I ran today. 3 miles. My body is getting fatigued more easily though, which sucks. Especially because I want to play rugby. I used to play when I lived on the East Coast but I haven't had time since I moved. Now, I have time but I'm too preoccupied with keeping my food intake low, I know I can't possibly keep up with the team at school and there is a very real chance I would get injured. 

So I just do what I can. I could have managed more than 3 miles but I was running on my lunch break so I was a little pressed for time. My intake has been some black coffee, an egg with hot sauce and a few slices of orange and yellow bell peppers. I know that's not enough if I'm exercising. I'm taking energy from muscle. I know muscle is a great fat burner so it's stupid of me to be going on like I am. But it's the only way I've successfully gotten smaller and right now, that's all I really care to do.

Also, I think we are having fish for dinner. Fish and veggies, which shouldn't be too bad.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Morning, sunshine!

Although, the sun isn't up yet.

I went to bed at 11 last night but hunger woke me this morning at 4am. By 5, I stopped trying to get back to sleep. I figured I have plenty of things I need to get done so I just got up. It's currently 5:45 and I have gotten a lot done. Laundry, dishes, some cleaning in the kitchen. I'm trying to talk myself into an egg. I know I could use the nutrition and eggs have lots of nutrition. especially since the last two days have been around about 700 Cals and 500 Cals and that has been mostly vegetables and beer. I need some protein. 
For a future healthcare professional, I really suck at health. But every one knows people trust a skinny doctor far more than a fat or even average one. Skinny people. They must be smart. Average has never been good enough.
On the one hand, I'm avoiding the food because I know that Husband and I have a movie night planned tonight and we are going to drink wine and eat dark chocolate because the wine we bought for our "stay-in date night" is intended to be paired with dark chocolate. So I have that to budget for tonight.

But I know that being too hungry for too long will lead to a binge.
Maybe if I have an egg and black coffee I should be okay.
I've also had 20 oz of water since I woke up.

Yeah. An egg. Black coffee. And I'll leave the dressing off of my salad at lunch. Even though I use mostly vinegar and very little oil, I could shave off about 50 Cals by skipping the olive oil.

And maybe I'll run this afternoon. We'll see. Lots to get done.

This is ramble-y. I'm hungry.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Merry Christmas Parties

Nichole S, your comment on my Liebster post made my whole day. I know I have accomplished a good deal, but I am constantly surrounded by incredibly intelligent people that sometimes it feels hard to keep up. When some one says they think I am intelligent it really means alot. :)

Also, Taylor, is your blog hidden? Where are you?

As for my current situation, I had a small binge earlier in the week without really even realizing it until it was too late. We had friends over for dinner and they brought over an ice cream cake which was HUGE and left most of it here.
I had a piece on Tuesday night. 1/16th slice of the cake. I figured, it was a small piece, shouldn't have been more than 350 Cals. Then I looked up the value on Dairy Queen's website: 1/10th slice of the cake (apparently a "serving size") is 750 Calories! Gross! That means I had about 470 Calories in one sugary sitting.
On top of that, I had only two days in the past week that I was under 1,000 Calories for the day. Most days wound up around 1,300.
And I had a particularly busy week so I didn't have time for any good workouts.
So that fact that I was down a pound this morning from last week, I guess I'll count as a success. It's not a huge giant failure, right?

This weekend is going to be tough though. Tonight, there is a Christmas celebration at a town with an awesome distillery, and there is going to be free food/wine/liquor tastings and Husband wants to go. So that means NO eating all day today. Maybe two cups of lettuce for lunch? Probably won't be having and veggies tonight, so, better get a little in beforehand.

Tomorrow night is husband's company Christmas party. He already gets playfully mocked for having such a "hot wife", even thought I don't view myself that way at all, but I knew this night was coming and I would have to get dressed up and I REALLY wanted to be at least 5 lbs lighter than I am now. 10 lbs would be better.

So no eating tomorrow.

Then, Sunday night is a Christmas party at our friends house. Every one is bringing a dish so I volunteered to bring salad. That way I can make a killer salad and not feel awkward eating just that rather than having to "pretend" that some one else's bowl of iceberg lettuce is so delicious. Even so, there will be drinking, and I'm sure I can't escape eating nothing but salad.

So no eating all day Sunday.

But for now, I have to go spend some time putting together a presentation on changes in patterns of motor function that occur in response to the introduction of sensory stimuli.

Nerd out.

Friday, November 30, 2012

I plead the fifth

If I recall correctly, this is my fifth day in a row successfully keeping my intake under 1,000 Calories. The only disappointment, is that most days I have been able to do this and STILL drink. Alcohol helps me sleep without noticing hunger.
Although, the hunger has been decreasing. As my metabolism is, I'm sure.
But I have had 760 Cals today, which means I could have a small drink. But the alcohol might not have much effect in that small of a quantity.


I did go out the other night with Husband. I had two beers and was WASTED. I met up with Husband at the place, but after two beers I was way too drunk to drive home. Husband had to bring me home and we had to go out and get my car later. Kind of a pain.
I acted really shocked that I got so drunk off of two low ABV beers. But in reality, I know it's because I hadn't eaten all day. Husband didn't know this.

So that's a plus. Getting drunk on less Calories and spending less money.

Also, I feel like I sound like an alcoholic. I'm not. But it is a great cure for insomnia so I'll take it.


I was nominated by Nichole S. for the Liebster award! Thanks lady!


- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.

- Post 11 things about yourself.

- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.

- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

- Create 11 questions for your nominees!

- Inform the nominees of their nomination.

Soooo.... 11 things about myself.... (I've been pretty secretive about my identity in case any one found this blog, but if any one finds it now, they will know for sure it's me after reading this)

I have dreadlocks

I can pick up just about any instrument in the world and learn to play it in a very short period of time

I am in my second year of chiropractic school (if any one was thinking Med school because I refer to myself as a soon-to-be doctor, chiropractors are doctors, we just practice differently. I say this coming from the position current research as well as having two close friends in Med school and let me tell you, they are more similar than you would believe.  This page has a little more insight into the differences in education, in case you are interested)

I'm super ambitious. I'm not happy at the end of the day unless I have gotten a lot done.

I used to be almost fluent in Russian, but I haven't spoken it in years so I can read it and translate some but I'm not as good as I used to be.

In school I have also taken 3 years of Latin, a year of Italian, two years of American Sign Language, a semester of Spanish, a semester of French and a semester of German. I dabble in languages.

Husband and I haven't smoked pot in a long long time. But we met and started spending time together when he sold me weed. That's going to be a great story for the grandkids.

I have had this blog for years. Whenever I felt like getting rid of my blog would magically "cure" my eating issues, I deleted it. I have deleted it three times. But I kind of wish I hadn't because sometimes I want to look back at things and those things are no longer there. So I think I will keep this around a while.

I don't like attention. I know a lot of you want people to notice your weight loss (and that's fine if you do, I don't criticize others' goals) but I do it for myself and I hate when people notice.

I had a very small wedding that upset some of my friends because it was family only, but that goes along with how much I don't like a lot of attention. I am happy to go to some one else's big wedding but I am really uncomfortable when all of that attention is on me.

I am obsessed with nail polish and painting my nails. I don't even care if my nails are painted or not. I just enjoy the process of painting them. 

Here are the 11 questions I have to answer
1. Tell the story of your most embarrassing moment.
Okay, so I have a LOT of embarrassing moments, but I will share this one because I was just telling it last night and it's fresh in my mind. It may not be my MOST embarrassing, but it's food related so you guys will enjoy it. 
When In lived in Pennsylvania, I used to travel up to Maine to visit my parents a lot. It was a ten hour drive and I would usually stop off this particular exit in Connecticut because it had a grocery store right off the highway with decent bathrooms and cheap snacks and drinks where I could get some good fruit or veggies instead of potato chips or what have you. Well, one time I decided that instead of eating fruit, I would a a container of frosting. Gross, I know, but I was in binge mode. So I walk up to the checkout with a tub of Rainbow Chip frosting and a package of plastic spoons (could it be any more obvious what I was doing?). The lady at the register noted the frosting and asked if I was making a cake? I panicked because I wasn't expecting any one to ask what the frosting was for (and come on lady, I'm buying frosting... and spoons) so I awkwardly made up a lie about making a cake for my nieces birthday.  And left. 
On my way back down to PA, I stopped there again, but this time I bought grapes. I didn't recognize the lady at the checkout, even when she asked me how the birthday party went. I looked at her, confused, and started to tell her I thought she had me confused with some one else. Until it clicked in my head what she was referring to. At which point, I quickly said "oh OH! Yeah, my niece, almost forgot about that. Ha, it's been such a crazy busy few days I almost forgot what I did!" She gave me kind of a weird look but then smiled and said "Yes, life does get busy!" so I guess I sort of played it off. But not really. Then I left, red-faced and awkward.  
2. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
I have a sister who is one year older than I am and a brother who is two years older. Our birthdays are even within a few weeks of each other so we are each almost exactly a year apart. My sister has an eating disorder. She has a BMI of about 15.5 and I look like a whale next to her. She knows me better than any one. 

3. Talk about your hobbies/favorite activities.
I was a dancer most of my life. I took and taught classes for many years and was part of a small company for a while. I miss it. I also love snowboarding. And SCIENCE! I love science. I spend a lot of my free time reading Scientific American and other nerdy things. I am currently reading the book The Neurodynamics of the Vertebral Subluxation by A.E. Homewood and it is FASCINATING!

4. What's your dream job?
Chiropractor! My view of what chiropractic is since starting school has been radically changed and I am so excited to be a part of the field. I used to think chiropractic was all musculoskeletal diseases but it also successfully treats so many things from ear infections to behavioral disorders. I love it. 

5. What are some things you hope to accomplish before you die?
Have my own practice, live in Colorado, reach 112 lbs (which on my almost 5'10" frame is a bit underweight without raising too many eyebrows)

6. What was your favorite childhood TV show or movie?
Boy Meets World
7. If you could remove all the calories from any 1 food, what would it be?
Mac 'n' cheese! All varieties! I could eat it until I turn into it. 

8. If you were a super hero, what would your super power be, and what would your super hero name be?
I would like to be invisible. And I wouldn't need a super hero name because no one would know I had the power to become invisible.

9. What does your ideal vacation look like?
Snow! Lots of drinking and snowboarding and walking in the snow and mittens and scarves and a cozy fireplace and my husband with me and no work hanging over my head.

10. Describe the first time you ever drank alcohol or took drugs.
First time I ever smoked pot. I was at a friend's house and we were playing a smoking game (like a drinking game, but with bong hits) and we had my friend's bong collection scattered around the room and on the tables etc. Then, some of our friends had called and said they had just arrived and could we open the door for them. So a minute later, I hear a knock on the door. Thinking it was our friends, I open the door wide open, in clear view of all of the glasswear, and there are two cops. 
I froze.
Apparently one of the neighbors called in a noise complaint from our "party" (which wasn't even a party, there was no music or anything, it was just a few people hanging out), even though we weren't being loud, I don't think they liked the conversation they heard on the balcony. So, after the cops CLEARLY saw what was going on, my friend talked to them in the hall (even though we were all clearly baked out of our minds) I think the cops knew we weren't causing trouble so they just let it go. It was kind of a sketchy neighborhood. They had bigger fish to fry. But our friends who had called started to freak out because they were high too and walked right past the cops in the hall of the apartment building with a lot of weed on them. 
Scary situation, but fortunately, didn't lead to trouble. 

11. What's your favorite thing about your home town?
It's small, with warm summers and snowy winters, located about 40 minutes from a bunch of large mountains and ski resorts and an hour from the ocean. Pretty ideal. 

So now, some nominees and my questions for them....

1. Where would be your favorite place to live?
2. What (alcoholic beverage) do you typically drink?
3. Are you still friends with your childhood best friend?
4. What movie could you watch over and over and not get sick of?
5. Tell me about your first kiss.
6. What is your favorite pair of shoes?
7. Have you ever been out of your home country? If so, where?
8. Do you have any siblings?
9. Do you have a favorite low-cal food or recipe that you frequently eat?
10. Do you have any weird quirks?
11. Do you have any favorite holiday traditions?

As for the nominees, I know some of you have been nominated multiple times, so feel free to do any part or all or none of this, I just thought I would pass it on :)
Also, I know a few of these folks haven't posted in forever. Maybe they will come back. Maybe they won't. But I thought I would nominate them anyway :)

Nichole S.
Used for : glue

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Never good enough?

So, I haven't eaten yet.
It's only 9am.

And I thought if I went for a run, I would feel accomplished to have burned calories on an empty stomach.

Ran 4 miles.

About 473 Calories. Give or take.

But I still don't feel like I accomplished anything. Although, the fresh air was nice. And I run on a local trail that is pretty busy in during the day, but I was running by 7am and no one around here is awake by 7am. So I had the world to myself. That felt good.

Shower. Christmas shopping. Studying.

Aaaaaand..... go.

Friday, November 16, 2012


Today I have had 34 oz water and 16 oz black coffee.

I almost ate this afternoon but I didn't have anything particularly important I needed to focus on so I just had coffee instead.

I could've eaten something, especially because Husband wants to go to the gym tonight, but I had some fruit and a granola bar yesterday thinking we were going to the gym and then Husband came home and said he was too tired.
We then ate pizza.

 Putting my Calories over 1,000 yesterday with no work out.

So I haven't had any Calories today so far (except the few that are in black coffee but I figure they are pretty negligible) because I know husband wants spaghetti for dinner. I am going to make myself a salad and put just vinegar on it and then have maybe an ounce of pasta with some sauce. It kind of depends on whether or not we go to the gym tonight tho.

(Also, FitBit lowered my Calorie goal again... This morning it said I should only consume 942 Calories... I'm thinking what it is doing is coming up with a goal on what my Calorie burn is and what I should consume based off of the weight goal I set in it. That might make more sense. But by this afternoon it changed its mind and said I could have 1,149 Calories so really I have no idea what it's doing. For now I am just using it as a personal log of how many I consume and not really paying attention to the numbers it sets as my "goals")

Thursday, November 15, 2012

More Fit Bit

Miranda and Taylor, thanks for your comments. It's still acting a little weird (still seems to fluctuate) but it hasn't been as drastic so maybe it's just figuring out how many calories I should be eating as it gets my patterns? Or it's just guessing how many Calories I am going to burn and then changes it what I haven't burned that many? I don't know.

Either way, yesterday was pretty good. Even though Fit Bit "recommends" that if I want to lose 2 lbs per week I have to eat around 1,100 Cals I am trying to keep it under a thousand, just to be on the safe side. Yesterday started out great. By 7pm I had consumed 52 oz of water and eaten 217 Calories. I then went to the gym and burned 350 (still wish I could stay there longer. Would rather be burning at least 500 each trip... oh well) so that was a pretty good deficit. Then (or course) dinner with Husband which was chicken, vegetables and a glass of red wine. I didn't finish the last couple of oz of wine because I had 6 oz of chicken and some fairly starchy vegetables, so when all was said and done, dinner was about 600 Calories (I always overestimate, but it was definitely more than 500) which kept me under 1000 for the day.

Today I have been having some trouble focusing (it's been a while since I restricted this successfully) so I wound up having a granola bar this afternoon because I still have so much work to do, but I am at 360 Cals so far today which means a) I need to run and b) no booze tonight. I didn't earn it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

FitBit is fucking with me

I downloaded the app for my phone so that I could log my water intake, Calories consumed and Calories burned. Yesterday I kept my intake around a thousand and I went to the gym in the morning (did cardio and strength) and then did more strength stuff at night, so when I went to bed it said I had an 800 Calorie deficit. Now, I know this is approximate, but with my current knowledge I would say it was probably somewhat accurate to how many I actually burned yesterday, and still an 800 Calorie deficit with a little thumbs up on the screen telling me I did a good job was nice to see. Then today, I flipped back to yesterday's log to remind myself how good it was to see that huge deficit, and it totally changed the number of Calories it said I burned so it said I ate 100 Calories more than I burned. (meaning FAT gain!)

Fucking app! You're messing with me and I don't appreciate it.
If it happens again, the app has to go.

Any one ever had this problem, or know of a good similar app in case I get rid of this one?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

So far so good. I guess...

Got up ten minutes earlier today than usual, which meant an extra ten minutes of running at the gym. I think tomorrow I will just lift. I have only done cardio this week so I need to get in some strength stuff. This afternoon was pretty miserable. For some of my classes we have to wear professional attire for exams so I had to go buy dress pants and dress shirts. Not only am I in the double digits in pants now, but I have the worst build. Tall, with hips. I have always had this problem but at least when I was skinnier there were dress pants in a size "long". They only had sizes 0, 2 and 4 in long. And I am now a fucking 10. What's worse is that I would be an 8 but all of the pants were too short, so I had to go up a size to get the length but now they are a little big in the waist and still tight in the hip and just barely long enough. Seriously. I was shopping for hours and I swear I tried on every pair of pants within a 20 mile radius. I'm awkwardly proportioned. I need to get skinnier so I can at least buy pants in a "long" again. This 5'10" frame is very unforgiving.

 At least I hardly ate today. I burned about 400 calories at the gym (which is not awesome, I prefer marathon workouts but time it limited, so something is better than nothing).
So that 400 calories negates the food I had.
I am currently drinking a beer to fill my empty stomach and give me a buzz to calm down my clothing shopping frustrations. I know beer is far more fattening than liquor. We have liquor, but liquor tends to make me eat and the 250 calories in this beer are less than I would likely consume if I was drinking vodka or gin. All right. I'm out.

Time to work on Pathology and Renal Physiology.


P.S. If you like Christmas thinspo, I posted a video with a song I like on the "pretty pictures" page of this blog. Should be the first video on the page. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

New favorite!

Yes, yes. New favorite!
So, I don't know how well you can read the label on the bottle in the picture, but I have been drinking this Aronia juice every day. I buy it in the store in a concentrate. One tablespoon colors 2 litres of water the dark color you see in the glass. And at 44 Cals per tablespoon I can take my 1 L Nalgene bottle to school and sip on that for hours and only consume 22 Cals. Bonus: Aronia has an ORAC value over 16,000!!! So hopefully I am getting a bit anti-oxidized in the process. Haha. This is a good start. So for the past week I have been taking to school a granola bar (190 Cals), carrots (70 Cals) an apple (110 Cals) and my aronia juice (22 Cals). I usually have coffee at some point throughout the day but that is black so I don't count it. So that's about 400 Cals for the better part of the day, which is great, but dinners haven't been awesome. It's hard to eat an early dinner because Husband often doesn't get home until later but I have been doing a better job of making super healthy meals and keeping my portions small. I think I have lost a little but I'm not weighing myself until Monday, so we will see. Also, I've finally wised up and weigh myself weekly on MONDAYS. I used to weigh myself on Fridays because I knew I would usually have something high in sodium and carbs over the weekend and would see that on the scale on Monday. But now I am using it as motivation to stay smart over the weekend by knowing I have to weigh in on Monday. I was down 3 pounds this past Monday. Hopefully at least another two by the coming Monday. I figure 2 pounds a week ought to be good. I will be satisfied with that. It won't get me quite to where I want to be by Christmas. I will be seeing my sister, who has a BMI of around 15 so my "normal healthy" body type looks like an absolute whale next to her. And it is Christmas, so there will be pictures. Can't let that be terrible.

Monday, November 5, 2012


My motivation is coming back nicely. I stopped gaining, which is a start. Now it's time to get back to losing.

I feel like I need a plan. But I can't think of what. Is any one doing anything exciting?

Husband's BMI was a blessing to me. I HAVE to work out (seriously, my Calorie count doesn't mean shit if I'm not working out. I have never successfully lost a single pound without exercise. I don't know how some of you girls do it) if I want to lose weight. But with my school schedule and Husband's work schedule, I hardly see my husband as it is and I always feel guilty taking time away from him to work out. I have asked him to workout with me, but he never does.

Then, he had a re-evaluation at the chiropractor and found out his BMI is just slightly into the "obese" range.

Now, none of you know my husband, but if you did, you would in no way consider him obese. He is about 5'9" and weighs about 200 pounds. His job is VERY labor intensive and he has a lot of muscle mass. He has a kind of a gut but he wears a size medium and his pants are generally a 34 in waist. But that fact that he is in the "obese" range totally freaked him out. he immediately got a gym membership which allows him to bring a guest with each visit (since I don't need one because my school has a gym, which he would use but the hours aren't compatible with his work schedule). So he asked me if I would help him get up at 5 every morning and go with him to the gym. YES! So for the past two weeks, we have been getting up a five and working out for an hour before work and school. So that's workout motivation.

Now I just need to figure out eating.
The toughest part is that I'm rarely hungry in the evening so I'm fine to not eat at night, but Husband likes to have dinner together so then I end up eating with him.  Hmm... Need to figure this out. Any suggestions? Any one doing anything fun?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


So I changed the look of the blog a little. As any of you who actually still read this might realize.

I need some change. After my second term at school ended, I don't know what happened to me. I lost fifteen pounds the first two terms, and then as soon as the second one ended I just couldn't stop eating. And being full made me not feel like exercising. So I gained twenty pounds since last spring. And I hate it.

I know I promised more biochemistry posts, but I can't handle that right now. I still want to post them for you, but right now all I can think of is restricting. Restricting. Restricting. My third term of school just finished up and I am feeling so fat and disgusting. I don't even want to leave my house (which is filthy) but I don't even want to get off the couch. I need to. I need to clean and maybe rearrange some things.
I start my fourth term in less than a week and I need to regain some confidence.

Will probably spend some time reading your blogs. Miss you all.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I know this makes me a huge hypocrite

But all I have had for the past 2 days has been cucumbers, echinacea tea and black coffee. Took this picture while I was in class today.

Speaking of class, I know I said I would be posting more info and really, I mean to, but I have been too busy to compile it.

We had a three week summer break when I could have done it, but I was too busy drinking beer and gaining ten pounds to do anything productive with my life.

Seriously, folks. Ten pounds. In three weeks.
So I have been avoiding people now that I am back at school. The last time I lost ten pounds, people started to notice and comment on my weight loss, which means now that I have gained ten, they notice. So I can't handle being around that.

Man, I wish this shit didn't bother me like it does.

How is every one else? Alive and well?

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Glucose and glycogen

I tried to make this as easy to understand as I could. It's really a bit LOT more complicated than this, but I took a few things out that I will probably add to another post and I tried to just leave the meat (pun intended!) of it. There are just so many processes going on in your body when it comes to food and metabolism. But this is a little info on glucose and low-carb diets.
Let me know if you have any questions. 

You use your skeletal muscle to move and function. Biceps, quads, calves, abs, etc. The main source of fuel for your muscles is glucose. A type of sugar, or carbohydrate. When the muscle is working, it is burning glucose. But what happens when glucose is low?

When the body has more glucose in the blood than is being used (say you just had an ice cream binge), your body stores glucose in another form called glycogen. This is just a very large molecule made up a a whole bunch of glucose molecules. You store glycogen in your skeletal muscle (biceps, abs, quads, etc) as well as in your liver. When you consume glucose, it will first go to your muscles to see if they need it. If your muscles have plenty of glucose, it gets turned into glycogen in your muscles. If your muscles have plenty of glucose and glycogen, it's off to the liver. Your liver then checks its glycogen levels. If those are low, the glucose is converted to glycogen and stored in your liver. If glucose gets to your liver and and the liver's glycogen levels are fine, the glucose is then turned into (every one's favorite): fat.

Your liver can store about 100g of glycogen and your muscles can store approximately 400g of glycogen.
Also, when glycogen is stored in your muscle for every gram of glycogen you store about 2-3 grams of water, so if your muscles are low and you eat carbs (particularly starch which is made up entirely of glucose) you are not suddenly gaining huge amounts of fat, you are probably storing water. This is also why when you go low-carb you lose a lot of water weight.

So how do you keep it from turning to fat? Simple: exercise.

Exercise is your best friend, for a lot of reasons.

For this one in particular, when you exercise, you use up that glucose and glycogen. But you will want to make sure you are using a lot of different muscle groups. If you just run or just do sit ups you are mainly only targeting one muscle group. And the thing about muscles is that they don't like to share. They lack the necessary enzyme required to give up glycogen to other muscles. So, say you do 500 sit ups and deplete the glycogen in your abs, you will not take glycogen from your arms or legs or anywhere else. You will start to tear down the protein in your abs.

This is not all bad.


And you want to replenish it (believe it or not).

The major fat burner in your body is muscle. This is one of the reasons you know so many men who can eat so much without getting fat. They have more muscle. Building muscle is what I like to call “preventative damage control”. The more lean muscle you have, the more you can actually eat without getting fat.

By working your muscles, you tear them down. If you don't replenish them, they just wither and get smaller and you would be better off having not worked out in the first place. You are DECREASING your overall fat burning. If you don't replenish your muscle with some protein within a reasonable amount of time, you will decrease your muscle mass and the next time you DO eat, it is more likely to be turned into fat.

For this, I highly recommend a whey protein supplement. Research shows that the ideal amount of protein to get after a workout is 25g. You shouldn't need more than that. And most whey protein powders have that much in once scoop for only about 140 calories. I wouldn't make this your life's greatest source of protein (I won't get too into protein right now, I'll save that for a later post) but it is probably the best thing you can do for worn out muscles immediately after exercise.


And no, you won't “bulk up” unless you are taking steroids. Seriously. If you are female (and I know I have some male readers, some of you may want to bulk up, but if not, then just stick to a lighter workout, nothing too intense), you will not get all huge. You don't have the hormones to do so. You will only look leaner and slimmer.

This brings me to another point: Fat burning exercise.
Many people will tell you to work out at a lower intensity because it “burns more fat”.

This is not the case.

Yes, at a lower intensity, the percentage of calories you are burning from fat (vs carbs) is greater than it is at a high intensity.

Let's say at a high intensity you are burning 50% carbs and 50% fat while at a lower intensity you are burning 30% carbs and 70% fat. Sounds better huh?

Well, if I was offering you money, which would you rather have: 70% of $100 or only 50% of $1000.


You would rather have the 50%. Because 70% of 100 is only $70 but 50% of 1000 is $500!

So the absolute amount is more. When you exercise at a high intensity, yes, you lower the percentage of fat you are burning. But you are burning an overall amount of fat higher than you were at a low intensity. Does that make sense?

Also, when you exercise and you deplete your glycogen, you get a surge in the enzyme that makes glycogen which means you can eat carbs after exercising without it turning into fat.

So, what happens if you don't have carbs?

Your muscles run off of glucose (a carbohydrate). When they don't have it, they can make it. What they like to make it out of, is protein.

Proteins are made up of repeating chains of amino acids. When you eat protein, your body breaks it down into amino acids and your body utilizes those however it needs to (it does to in a lot of ways, EAT YOUR PROTEIN, IT IS IMPORTANT).

One of the things it does, is keeps a “pool” of free amino acids to be used for whatever processes may need it. For example, when your glucose is low, Your body can MAKE glucose out of the free amino acids your body has stored.

However, you need to be eating enough protein. If you aren't, you will deplete your storage of free amino acids and your body will take protein from your muscles to use for glucose. This is not good because as was stated before, you WANT muscle. The last thing you want to do is diminish it. So if you are going to be going low carb, make sure you keep your protein up! Otherwise, it is useless. This is when you will lose muscle, lower your fat burning ability, and slowly get fatter over time. If you keep your protein up, your body will have enough to replenish your muscles and turn some into glucose.

Another popular low-carb fat-burner is getting your body into ketosis (which some of you may be familiar with) and I would love to tackle another time. That is when your body doesn't have enough glucose and in order to spare your muscles, makes what are called ketone bodies, which are used instead of glucose.
But it is late and this post is long enough. I would be surprised if most of you even read this far (tho I hope you did).

Take care! And get your protein!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hello again

My favorite class that I am taking right now is the least favorite of many of my classmates. But I love it. It's Biochem II. In Biochem I we learned all of the basics of fat, protein and carbohydrate digestion on a molecular scale. (note: this is graduate level. I had Biochem in undergrad but this is far more in depth). Biochem II has been basically a diet/exercise science class since our patients will likely want to discuss these things with us. I have learned soooo much. Seriously. My professor has us basically "telling the story" (as he puts it) of what happens with any foods AFTER digestion when it is being utilized or stored by your muscles or liver or other cells. It is fascinating. I knew the very basics of diet/exercise/weight loss before the class but now I know exactly what's going on as far as pathways, molecules and enzymes. I plan to gather my thoughts and post a few things for you. I think a post about low carb diets to start (why they actually DO work when done properly, but have gotten a bad rap because people don't keep their calories -- protein -- up) would be a good one since it is so popular. Perhaps a post on fructose as well. That is another popular topic. I have read other people's posts about some of the "real science" behind certain diets and most fail to tell the whole story. I can't tell you the exact date but I will try to get something up for you by Sunday. Love you all.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Fucking ridiculous

This is what I did this morning. Ugh.
And now I feel like garbage.

There were cookies. Just sitting on the table this morning.
I made them yesterday for Husband.

The last three times I made cookies, I managed to not eat even one of them.
Then this morning. I don't know what happened. All of my self-control, out the window.

As you can see, I only ate the centers of them. As if that is somehow "safer". But I still had the majority of six cookies. And I feel like garbage. I just want to go back to bed.

The worst thing is, I was all excited to wear my new shirts I I just got from Victoria's Secret two days ago. They are what I like to call victory shirts. I tried on a Medium and it was too big. So I bought Smalls. Yes! But now I am in the process of throwing that out the window. I didn't even run today. And it is gorgeous out. I don't have school today but I am getting together with some classmates to study. I will have to take a break after a few hours and come home and run. At least seven miles. No excuses.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Kind of torn

This is bothering me.

I know most of you on here would be excited. But I feel so dishonest. My husband wants to lose weight and he thinks I am losing so much weight pretty much effortlessly, but the truth is, I hardly eat. And I run a lot.

The good things is, I have lost weight. To the point where I almost don't hate the way I look in clothes. I even bought some shirts today without even trying them on because I just knew they would look good.

Things that I hate:
1) People are noticing. I get so awkward when people comment on the weight I have lost. It's not that I'm super thin or anything. But I have lost a noticeable amount of weight. And I don't like to talk about it. So I don't want people to notice.
2) Acting like I'm not even trying. Like losing weight is the simplest thing in the world.
3) Planning out my day and constantly figuring out what people's plans are so I can figure out how to eat the least amount of food, without making it look like I am "dieting". I want to be normal. Husband brought me home some pizza today. I knew my neighbor (who I go to school with) was coming over to see my Husband so I waited until he came over to eat some of the pizza so that he saw me eating, and if people at school think i don't eat I can be all like "no, remember, I was eating pizza!"


I hate being like this. Can't I just be normal around food?

Also, when I am hungry I am short with people. Typically I am notoriously patient and kind. But when I am tired, hungry and worn down (which I always am lately) I am not as patient or nice.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Can't I stop weighing success with weight loss?

I have been getting good grades but I recently got a C on an exam. An exam I SHOULD have gotten an A on. My embarrassment over my grade sent me into a whirlwind of running and restricting. Can't I just stop doing this? Why is it not that easy?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Intentionally eating outside so as to "accidentally" leave my yogurt in the wind, thereby knocking it over. I guess no lunch for me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Time consumers

Only 8 classes this term, btw. (Better than ten, like last term, but these are harder, so it's actually more work)

Gross Anatomy II, Spinal Anatomy II, Biochemistry II, Neurophysiology II, Philosophy II, Endocrinology, Cell Physiology and a technique class. All graduate level (obviously, for those who don't know I'm becoming a doctor). All making my brain hurt 24/7.

Spinal II is the craziest. Do you know what the contents of the subarachnoid space are above the level of C3 and how they differ from the contents of the subarachnoid space below the level of C6? Because I do. Every nerve, artery, vein, etc. And you can't even Wikipedia it. Because it's not common knowledge. I sure put a lot of trust in my profs.

So that is why I pretty much never post anymore. But I occasionally read. And I enjoy seeing what you all are up to.

Take care of yourselves.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Success and story time (and by story, I mean trigger)

So, last summer, I pretty much wore gym shorts and yoga capris the whole summer because even though I dropped a few pounds, I didn't fit into the things I had worn the summer before.

Today (since the weather all of a sudden got really hot) I went through my old summer clothes, hoping I had lost enough weight that they fit this summer.

Success! Even though my weight hasn't changed much in the past two weeks (though I have lost about another pound), I have been steadily losing since the beginning of the year. The best part is that my favorite green shorts fit again. I love them. I will almost be sad when they are too big because they fit me better than any shorts ever have.

The problem is, I have a fairly small waist. And very large thighs. And when you go up sizes in shorts, the legs stay the same and waist gets bigger, which is the opposite of what I need. But not the green shorts. They are just the right length and they sit high enough on my waist that my ass crack doesn't hang out when I pick something up but they don't turn into meat casing around my thighs. And they are cute. And I love them.

The other day at school I was chatting with a friend and he was telling me about getting drunk with his girlfriend. He sent her a text to see how she was feeling the next day. I asked if she really had that much to drink. He said "well, she had about as much as I did, but she's only about 108 pounds, so..."
And I swear that was a challenge.
All I could think was: he must have been thinking about how HUGE I am. He probably feels sorry for my husband.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have seen pictures of her and she is probably 6 inches shorter than I am (with bigger boobs and nicer hair). So 108 for her looks like a pretty normal person. That would put me at about a BMI of 15 (which is more than my sister's BMI, she is my height and only about 106 so I really have no excuse).

But this is exactly what I hate. I know I'm not that fat, realistically. My BMI is in the normal range (I hate that more than I should) and I am very muscular and athletic. A number of my friends constantly covet that flatness of my stomach. But I am so tall and broad shouldered/hipped that even when I am not fat I am just big. Which is why I really need to get smaller. Run more. Eat less.

Also, later that day, my other friend (also male) was commenting on how he loves warm weather because it means girls are walking around in next to nothing.
And all I could think of was "well, she's about 108 lbs".

All of my friends at school are men. And they have really hot gf/fiancee/wives who are smaller than me. Which means I always feel like I have to cover up around them because if they see my legs or arms they will be grossed out.

I just need to keep on track. I have been running at least 15 miles every week and I just got some new running clothes so I am even more motivated (cause I HATE wasting money). Also, with the weather being nice my allergies have been bothering me. The best solution for that? Stop eating grains. Cures seasonal allergies and makes me look hot. I can get there. Slowly but effectively. I'm getting there.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Went well. It's been difficult since I have been on break from school this week. At school it's easy. My schedule is so packed all day long that I don't have time to eat. But when I am at home, I can eat as much as possible.

I haven't been though.

I made a HUGE checklist of things I need to get done over the break. So far, it has been pretty successful.

Yesterday I had a Greek yogurt for breakfast and a latte for lunch. I then studied (yeah, even though I am between terms, I am already studying for the next one.... nerd... perfectionist... maybe a little of both) and then I went to the gym. I was feeling a little dehydrated so it was tough and after my run my calf cramped up really bad but it was worth it. I never regret it when I run; always regret it when I don't.

My run put me at a 200 Calorie deficit which was great because when I got home, Husband suggested we go to the Olive Garden with his co-worker and his wife.
I filled up on mostly salad, but I did eat a bread stick. I ordered the steak gorgonzola alfredo, ate the steak and two bites of pasta and brought the rest home. husband will probably eat the leftovers.

Today I am getting my hair colored. I am excited for that. My natural color is dusty blond (the grossest of all hair colors) so I am going lighter and getting some highlights. I look much better with light hair. I was always jealous of my sister's gorgeous dark brown hair. It's beautiful. I've tried to get her color before, but it just doesn't work for me. We have very different skin. Fact is, I just look better as a blond.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Want it

A friend who has been working extremely hard with me at school, shared this video with me today. It was to motivate us (as we are on break from school this week but already starting to study for next term).

I am going to watch this video every day for the next month.
I hope you do to.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Getting disordered

My head is getting a little crazy.
I just finished my finals (10 exams in less than a week) and I'm feeling drained. And a little hungover.

Last night my class went out to celebrate and I got pretty drunk. Actually, I started drinking at 3 in the afternoon when my last final got out. But I feel surprisingly good for spending a solid 9 hours drinking yesterday. But a little hungover, just the same.

You know you have an eating disorder when your hangover food of choice is... an apple.

After I had an apple this morning and A LOT of water I went grocery shopping and ran some other errands and now I am warming up some low sodium beef broth with a few carrots thrown in so it feels like food without really feeling like food.

My finals were so crazy though, I haven't run since last Friday, which I'm sure is why the scale has not budged. But I have almost two weeks off from school now so I plan to run six times a week. Today is cold though, and rainy and a little snowy, and I am exhausted so it's a good day for beef broth.

This was a better post in my head. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm stopping here. More to update later.

Friday, February 17, 2012

That feeling when you step on the scale, expecting a certain number, only to find you are literally, exactly ten pounds less than that... Best. Morning. Ever.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

More running

I have been averaging around 20 miles that I have been running every week. It has been paying off too! I would like to even be running more but my schedule is crazy. I have still been about 1 pound per week. The only reason this sucks, is that I have been working so hard at it and only losing a pound per week. But it is progress and I am determined to see this through.

I am coming up on finals next week so my life has gotten extra crazy and I am certain I won't be posting on here. I have ten finals in the next two weeks. It's ridiculous. I'm exhausted.

My only concern is that I have been having heart palpitations all day for the past few weeks. I think it is mostly stress and sleep deprivation, but it's really annoying. I wish it would stop.

Short post. Just checking in. Time to study.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Running, running, running

Bella: Thank you for the confidence! I appreciate it. It's definitely the toughest thing I have ever done.

Kitty: That is a good point, I was able to lose a lot eating low carb and it would be nice to go back to that. It has been difficult though with my school schedule. I have been trying not to over-do it on the carbs as it is, packing turkey and cheese rolls for lunch and stuff. The toughest part is that I don't have much for breaks during the day so I tend to pack things I can snack on, like Luna bars; which have a lot of protein, but also more sugar than I could eat on the low carb thing.

According to Daily Mile, I have burned 987 Calories in running today. My first two classes were canceled this morning, so I took the opportunity to go for a good long run. Then this afternoon I was feeling stressed out from one of my classmates (who is a nice person, but he sees the world as very black and white and if you DARE to disagree with him he gets all fired up. He's just too intense for me) so I went outside, and HOLY SHIT it was 60 degrees and sunny outside!!! This is winter in the Midwest?!?! So I skipped my afternoon class and went down to the river to go for another run. It was beautiful out and I felt like I could run forever. I enjoyed the exercise and I think I really needed the sunlight. I am indoors all day every day and it gets depressing.

So then I cam home and cleaned the house, top to bottom. I should've been studying but out place has been filthy for like, two weeks now and we have just been too busy to do anything about it. Since it was so nice out, I opened all the windows and doors and went to town on it.

After all that exercise and cleaning I feel like a new woman! Haha. Now to make some dinner for Husband and then get back to studying.

Saturday, January 28, 2012


.... Instead of eating.

I have been hungry since I woke up this morning. Didn't help that I was cranky that husband woke me up. He goes to bed a little before me every night and I get up 2-3 hours before him every day. By Saturday I am exhausted and need to catch up, but he always wakes me up around 7am. I was pissed. I have class all day, I study all night, and I have FINALLY been fitting in some regular exercise. I NEED sleep. My body is going to crash. I've been up for about 4 hours and my eyelids are still heavy with sleep. I'm still mad that he woke me up.

Plus, that is probably what has slowed my weight loss. Because I get up any time between 3:30 and 5 am, so I have time for some Pilates and to shower and get ready to be at class at 7am. I then have class all day and I study all night (did I mention I'm taking ten classes?). I don't get to bed until between 11 and midnight. I'm beat.
And I can't get to bed early tonight because we have dinner plans and we will probably be out pretty late. Maybe I will sleep instead of going to church tomorrow. I hate to. I like church. But I need sleep.

And I think the worst part is, he doesn't wake me up for any reason. Since I got up he has spent his entire day working on his computer. Ugh.

Anyway, my average for weight loss has been 1 lb per week. It slowed for a bit. Lowering my food intake couldn't be easier because I am so busy I have basically no time to eat. The problem is, no matter how much I cut back, I physically cannot lose weight without exercising. And it's hard to fit that in. That's why I have been getting up so early, so even if I don't get in any cardio, I have at least done something.

Anyway, that's my rant. I wish I had more to update but that's basically my life right now.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Beyond success

So I am about 2 weeks into the new year and I am down four pounds, which is even better than I had planned. The only problem is, people have been noticing my eating less. Last night one of my classmates was over and he and Husband were talking about how I hardly eat anything (which really is not true). It sucks because I want to lose weight, but I hate people talking about it.

I got some new sneakers! I needed something for winter running because it has finally gotten frigid here and I can no longer run in my Vibram's. These are almost as good as barefoot running, plus they are mad cute. I wear them ever day now, even when I am not running.

Off to study! I have the day off from school but I have a bunch of exams this week, so lots to do. Too busy to eat = awesome.

Monday, January 2, 2012

One pound per week

That is my goal for at least the next 8 weeks. If I manage more than that, great.

But Husband's and my anniversary is two weeks from today. But I have been a nightmare of studying lately so we are going to go away for a weekend at the end of February when I have a break between terms. That way I won't have to worry about last minute assignments or anything hanging over my head.

Which means I have 8 weeks to be less disgusting. I would like to say "10 pounds by then" and I sincerely hope it will be ten. But if I set a weekly goal for one pound per week from now until then, I think I stand a good chance of making it.

Also, it is stressing me out that we are two days into the new year and I don't have my definitive goals mapped out. I should already be working toward them. So starting now, goal #1: Make list of 2012 resolutions.