Past my due date

Just like last time, baby is past due.

Baby has measured large this whole time. Currently estimating over nine and a half pounds, plus apparently large babies have more amniotic fluid so my abdomen feels like it's going to explode. It also looks like it. 

I gained more weight with my daughter than this pregnancy, but got fewer stretch marks last time. I've only gained about 16 pounds total this pregnancy but the stretch marks started when I had only gained 6 pounds. Meanwhile people like my sister or friend who delivered twins can gain over 40 pounds and not get any stretch marks. 

I've used every recommended moisturizer and then some, hydrated, eaten healthy foods.... Still going to look like a deflated balloon for the rest of my life. 

Hating my body. Not just how it looks, but functions as well. My body doesn't produce much relaxin while pregnant so my cervix never dilates, my breasts don't develop so I can't breastfeed very well (don't let anyone tell you breastfeeding is purely "supply and demand"... there's A LOT more to it than that). I always wanted 3-5 kids but I don't think I can birth another one. My body wasn't made for this and I hate it. I wish adoption wasn't so expensive but then again this is probably God's way of telling me I probably shouldn't be a mother anyway.

I'm sure anyone who has struggled to conceive would call me selfish, and maybe I am, but this sucks and I hate myself. 

Quick update

 22 weeks in. No weight gain yet. I realize that even if I gain a pound a week from now until my due date, it would only be about 18 pounds. Since I lost somewhere close to 25 pounds just giving birth to my daughter, even if I only gained the 18 and then lost 18, I wouldn't have a net gain which would be VERY good. As of a few days ago, I was thinking it was realistic that I might be able to only gain the necessary ten pounds (since my starting weight is high enough, I don't need to gain much) but the past 72 hours I have been INSATIABLY hungry. Agh! 

Feeling like it could get too easy to go overboard. 

I have a close friend who only gained ten pounds her whole pregnancy and then lost 20 in labor/delivery and was a glorious ten pounds thinner than her pre-pregnancy weight when she had a newborn. 

That would certainly help take the edge off of all of the other newborn struggles. To not have any extra "baby weight" while you're sleep-deprived and stagnant those first couple of months. 

Another year gone by

 I can't believe it's been another year since my last post. Where does the time go?

I've often wanted to post on here but I am pretty much always either working or with my daughter so the opportunities are rare. 

After my last post, I gained another ten pounds. Mostly from alcohol. Then, last fall I got shingles IN my MOUTH (I didn't even know you could get shingles in your mouth) and was on my couch in excruciating pain for a week and literally could not eat for a week. I sipped bone broth for a little protein but that was the most I could get. I probably had about 400 calories a day for a week straight and lost seven pounds (plus another 5 pounds of water weight but that came back as soon as I ate again). It made me feel good, and since I had been on so many painkillers that week I was motivated to not drink for a while for the sake of my liver and I lost another 7 pounds in the next seven weeks. 

I haven't lost much since then, spring weather and a decrease in covid cases meant more socializing which meant more eating and drinking, but I haven't gained anything in while. 

Which is especially good since.... I'm pregnant again. 

My daughter is AMAZING and hilarious and wonderful so the thought of having another is exciting, but the weight is scaring me. I sometimes wonder what would've happened with no pandemic. I didn't gain much weight until the last month of my pregnancy when the world was shut down and I couldn't even go to work. 

I know most of my weight gain came AFTER she was born, but I still had ten extra pounds on me immediately following her birth.  

I'm three months in and haven't gained anything yet, so I'm off to a good start, but since I had recently lost some weight, was hoping to lose more before getting pregnant again. Oh well. We work with what we've got. 

And I'm always working on it.