Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend

Welcome new followers! Sorry you picked this point in time to start following me. I haven't been posting much because all I have really been doing is working a lot and don't have much interesting to say.

But yesterday was nice. Husband took me to a microbrewery in this really cool little town in the afternoon and then we had dinner in a city about an hour from here. It was nice.

The only downside was the heat. I wore a dress because it was almost a hundred degrees out. But I hate the way my legs look in dresses, so that made it less enjoyable. Can it just be snowing again? I need my jeans and sweatshirts. I hate my extremities so much. My stomach is pretty flat but years of dancing and mountain biking have given way to extra large calf muscles and they really need to be kept hidden. If they are covered I can trick the world into thinking I'm not fat.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sort of explanation. Sort of.

A couple of you had similar comments on my last post and I started to respond in there, but I figured I would just post a new blog entry. I would first like to say that I am not offended by our comments, a) because every one is entitled to speak their mind and b) because you are absolutely right.

The fact that I haven't been entirely honest with my husband about my food issues bothers me occasionally, but there are a lot of reasons behind it too. There is no denying my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past and he has noticed. And I have told him that I "used to" have issues with eating, and that I occasionally still do, but that I am a lot better about it; which is true in large part because they used to be a lot worse. My family is riddled with eating disorders from my great aunts and grandmother on my dad's side, to my mother and my sister and he knows about these. And when I lived near them, my issues were far worse. Since moving far away from them six or seven years ago, I have allowed my behavior to settle down a little. I restrict less, I don't purge anymore and I haven't even passed out since the day I moved away. I am hoping that at some point I will start to feel genuinely healthy again.

Why then do I have this blog? Doesn't that just instigate the behavior? Surprisingly, no. I started this blog as an outlet, in large part because I don't like to talk to people about my food issues, particularly not my husband. I originally started this blog before I even met my husband, and have since deleted it and re-started it a couple of times, but I talk to people on here because you understand. And for some reason when I am talking about my thoughts on food and my behavior, I realize how ridiculous I feel (note, I am not calling you ridiculous. I am just stating the way I personally feel) and I tend to act more normal. Every time I have deleted my blog, my behavior in real life just gets worse. It's almost like having a therapist.

The reason I don't talk to my husband about it is that for all of his wonderful, amazing qualities, empathy is not one. He is a "fix it" kind of guy and very in control of his life. His whole family is like that. They aren't jerks by any means, but if something is wrong, you just fix it. If you are sad, be sad for a little bit and then just be happy again. Don't have a job? Get one. When my husband decided to stop smoking pot, he just did. When he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went on a diet and lost 30 pounds in a few weeks. It's just how he is. It's the reason no appliance in our house is ever broken for more than 10 minutes, but it's also the reason I don't talk to him about my food issues. Because I can't seem to just "fix it" so there isn't much point in talking about it.

But his attitude is also one of the things that helps me through it. Knowing how he handles things motivates me to try and do that same. I don't get as emotional over things as I used to, which is actually helping me get through my issues with food. I deal with things as they come to the extent that I can, and when I have done everything I can do, I let it go. It's amazing how much of my life has changed since experiencing my husband's "fix it" attitude. It's what gives me hope that I may, in fact, be able to gain control of my weight related behavior.

So while it is technically a bit of a lie by omission, I have told him much of my past issues, I just don't divulge every thought I have on a daily basis because I don't need to.

I do appreciate your comments though. I am glad you feel like you can be honest with me and I hope you continue to in the future.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Here is some news for you

I have become so obsessed with my weight, I don't even have to step on the scale. Seriously.
And because I like to prove myself right to any one and every one, I have decided to demonstrate it to my husband. Each morning when I get up, I pee and then tell my husband how much I weigh before I step on the scale. Right down to the half pound (which is as accurate as my digital scale scale is). EVERY. Single. morning... I am dead on. Exactly right. There is no eager anticipation waiting for the number to show up. I can feel it. I can feel every pound I gain and lose and I know numerically what it is. My husband can't believe it. He doesn't know about my food issues, I hide them well. But he is amazed how morning after morning I know exactly what those four digits are going to be before I even step on. Gained four pounds of water weight? Guessed it. Lost three point five pounds yesterday because all I had was water? Right on. EVERY. Single. morning.

Five years of college and a hundred thousand dollars down the drain and I finally have a skill I can use.

Lack of posting

Sorry I haven't been posting much. I haven't really had anything of interest to say. I gained a few pounds, but I lost them, so what else is new.

I just would rather not post at all than bore you with posts about nothing.

I promise, once something of interest happens I will be posting.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I have been sick the past couple of days. I had a fever yesterday and today so I stayed home from work. I always feel bad doing that because I know how much it sucks to go in to work when you aren't scheduled.
I am feeling a bit better tonight though, so hopefully I will be better enough by tomorrow that I will be able to go in.

In the meantime, I have spent all day on the couch drinking echinacea tea and watching 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Supersize vs. Superskinny.

On the plus side, I can't smell a thing so nothing tastes like anything so all I have eaten is some pineapple, some cucumber and a few bites of cereal.

Monday, May 16, 2011


Sorry I have been so absent. Work has been taking up all of my time during the day, then at night I am Holly Housewife so I haven't been on here. Although many of the people who follow this blog have been deciding to go healthier lifestyles (which is cool and I fully encourage) so probably haven't had many readers on here anyway.

Anyway, things have been going a little better with that girl at work but only when the boss is around (which he usually is) so that's good. She's very insecure though and I think I made her stop eating lunch. She had previously compared her body to a very fat, butch woman who had come in to the cafe and asked her friend if she was as fat as her. Not wanting to upset her, her friend was all "No way, you are definitely not that big!" which was not true, she is much bigger than the girl who came in. It's her own damn fault though. We both open the cafe together in the morning and she walks in with a can of Mt. Dew and as soon as she finishes it, fills up a large cup with coke and drinks it down, and continues to refill it during the day.

She used to eat big wraps with a side of pita bread for lunch too. But I don't usually eat lunch there (I have twice to try to not look suspicious, although people tend to give me hard time about it anyway, and the fact that I don't drink soda. I swear, people need to stop feeling guilty and either lay off the junk or just leave me alone about it). But anyway, she recently has been leaving work without eating lunch. And her co-workers are all weirded out. They're like "What? Why aren't you eating lunch? You always eat lunch".

She just ignores them, and walks out of work all pissed off.

In other news...I feel like I am getting sick. My husband has been sick all week and I have been fighting it off. I have had a little bit of a scratchy throat and have been getting kind of mucus-y. Gross. But that makes it hard to do a low-carb diet because I always want to eat fruit and raw honey and stuff when I am getting sick because I HATE being sick. It's the worst.

Oh well. Off to start my day.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Back home

We are back from California!
It was such a great trip. The weather was warm and dry. I even got a sunburn! That's probably the most sun I will see for a while because I feel like the sun is never out here.

Anyway, our flights were good. We had a layover in Las Vegas on the way out and that was delayed about an hour because of mechanical problems. We ended up having to get on another plane to get to San Diego. But we were there before noon so it wasn't too bad.

We were exhausted though. We got up at 3am (central time, that's 1am pacific) to get our plane and we were up until about 11pm because we went to the rehearsal dinner.

The dinner was really nice. Hors d'oevres were passed around and I made sure to circulate through the room so that when they were offered I could decline by saying I was full from the other hors d'oevres I had eaten. (Fact: all I had was one slice of cucumber with Ahi Tuna Sushi on top... It was delicious).

Also, there was an open bar. Which meant free Gin and Tonic for me! And I have to say, the bartender made excellent G&T. Perfect proportions.

Then, dinner rolled around. There was no getting out of eating all together, but I did pick at things until the waiter asked if I they could take my plate. The salad was really good. It was a spring mix with craisins, pecans, bleu cheese crumbles and apple pieces with a raspberry vinaigrette. I did eat that whole thing.
For my dinner I had a little steak with asparagus and two bites of mashed potato. Dessert was creme brulee (which my husband ate most of).

But I can't pretend I didn't consume many calories. The G&T I'm sure had HFCS because most tonic water contains it. Also, I decided to have a glass of cabernet with dinner... And they kept re-filling it! It was a bottomless glass of wine!

It's safe to say by the end of dinner, I was sufficiently wasted. The problem was, trying to make it look like I wasn't that drunk. My husband almost never drinks and his immediate family doesn't drink at all. So I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of them.
But also, his grandfather was there with his wife as well as my husbands great aunt and uncle and they were all drinking. They are all REALLY funny too. I love them. At one point, I was trying to have a conversation with his great aunt and she was having some trouble getting her words out. She was like "Tell ya what... Why don't we have this conversation again sometime when we are sober." Haha!

Saturday was the wedding. It was beautiful. It was outside at this old mission and the sun was out but there was a cool breeze.

I tried not to spend too much time comparing myself to the people around me. I usually feel pretty good about myself because I live in a very obese area, but being in SoCal was a little intimidating. I frequently felt like a whale next to the stick thin figures of the west coast. All tan and blond. But I wasn't the fattest person there so there is a little solace in that.

But what bothered me the most was how intimidated I am by the bride. She is very small (short and thin) with big eyes and pretty brown hair (I have always wanted brown hair. My is dirty blond and it just looks like dirt).
But not only that, she started college when she was 17 and is now going to medical school.

Now granted, I started taking college classes at the age of 15, graduated high school at 16 and began college full-time at 17, and will be attending the top Chiropractic school in the world later this year. I have nothing to be ashamed of. But I have always been known as "the smart one" wherever I am. And she gets so much attention for being smart and pretty and it kills me. I never thought it would. I always thought that if people didn't think of me as the smartest person in the room, I would be okay with it.
Sometimes I wish I was going to medical school. Every one thought I would be an MD with my intelligence and passion for health. But the fact is, I don't like the direction medicine is heading and I know I wouldn't enjoy it. So I am going to be doing something I am passionate about. That's supposed to be a good thing, right?

On top of that, she wants to work in developing countries after she graduates.
This girl is stealing my thunder! I am supposed to be the smart, pretty, philanthropic one!
It kills me when some one else gets attention for being a good person.
Did I mention is is also funny?

And I can't hate her either. She's really nice. She's friendly and outgoing and honestly, I wish we lived closer because I would like to become better friends with her. But instead I just watch her life from afar as every one admires her.
But I don't have anything against her. I have everything against me. I need to get over it.

I need to get some coffee and go to work.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thank you!

Thanks for the advice Zane! They were still all gone when I logged on this morning so I tried refreshing and after about the fourth refresh they all appeared again!

So, things have been pretty good. I kind of fell of the Low-Carb thing because I have had a lot going on, but also in my busy-ness I haven't had time to eat a whole lot so I haven't been gaining, just haven't been losing. Which is kind of a bummer because I leave for California whenever Husband gets out of work today. I will be gone until Late Sunday so I probably won't be blogging until Monday.

In the meantime, I will be doing my best to not eat too much on this trip. I bought a new dress and I am excited to wear it, and I don't want to be all bloated and gross when I finally get to.

Also, that one girl at work has been a little nicer to me. She still makes flippant remarks every once in a while but she has toned it down.
Two days ago she was making some food and she turned to me and said "So, is being married, like, the BEST thing you could ever imagine?" (again, you should have heard the tone in her voice).
And knowing where this was coming from I just said "Well, yeah, it has its ups and downs but for the most part I really like it. But I'm fortunate, I have a great husband so I really can't complain".

Now any normal (read: non-jealous, well-adjusted) human being would have said something along the lines of "Oh, cool. Good for you."

But no.

She said "Ha. You'll learn".

What?! I don't even think she has been married. And even if she was for a short period of time, sorry it didn't work out for you but my marriage is pretty great.

Might I also add that she is about half my height and probably twice my weight. That may have something to do with it too.

Anyway, if I don't get on here in the next few days, I love you all and take care!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I hate when this happens

I want to read blogs but blogger is saying I don't currently follow any.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Some things never change

Like how people whose lives aren't particularly awesome, tend to hate on those whose are.

I guess when I work weekdays I will be working with this one girl whom I met yesterday. When I first walked in, she was all smiles and happy. Super nice and accommodating. Then at one point she asked me "Is this your first job?"

I looked at her curiously.

What? No. I've had lots of jobs in the past.

"Oh. How old are you?"

In my twenties

"Oh! I thought you were like, 17!"

Oh snap! Thanks, she thinks I'm in high school! AWESOME! Yay for good skin care!

But I think her idea was to "take me under her wing" and have have me be impressed with he maturity and worldly understanding. Because she's 26, has three kids between the ages of 7 mos. and 7 years and doesn't have a boyfriend or husband or anything. She literally spent her entire shift complaining about EVERYTHING to the other girl who was working there. Do people not realize that complaining about everything in your life does not make you seem more grown up? It actually makes you look really childish.

Once she started finding out about my life, her smiles and welcoming faded and she got really bitter toward me. I was trying not to talk about myself because I could tell she hated how together my life is, but she was still snarky and trying to make me look bad. Even when I didn't screw anything up (I actually do this job pretty well for only having done it for two days) she was acting like I was.
I was scheduled til 2pm and at 1:58 she dropped what she was doing in the kitchen to come out and (I wish you could hear the sound in her voice) say "Um, you can go now".

Yikes! It's gonna SUUUUUCK working with her. It's going to take everything that's in me to not turn her bitterness against her. I need to just turn the other cheek.

I going to appreciate what I have and not feel sorry about it. I have worked hard to have the life that I have and I'm not about to feel bad about it. If she wants things to ever get better for her, she can change her attitude.

Monday, May 2, 2011


So, Friday didn't screw me over. I kept losing until this morning but I should have expected it. I feel really bloated though so I am hoping that it is just bloat weight (that I am up a pound this morning).

But for the really great news!

I am employed!!!!

It's just a job in a cafe but I think I am really going to like it. I started yesterday and the girls I was working with were telling me that it is "like, the BEST job ever". The owner of the place is SUPER nice.

I do feel a little old because most of the girls I work with are in high school. They are young and cute and they make me feel old and gross, but I am going to use it to force myself to make myself better.

Plus, one of the girls is 21 so she's closer to my age and makes me feel less old.

I am so happy to have a job! I was feeling so useless lately because I didn't have one. And I really really REALLY wanted to buy a new dress before this weekend (this is California weekend) but I feel so guilty spending my money on stuff I don't technically "need". My husband is so frugal with our money that when I spend money I don't really NEED to spend I feel just awful. He doesn't really mind, but I have a tendency to hold myself to the standards of those around me and if he isn't wasting money I don't want to either.
Not that now that I have a job I plan on blowing money on useless crap. We are going to put most of what I make in savings and continue to just budget his income but if I spend a little extra here and there I'm not going to worry about it.

Anyway, trying to figure out what my eating plan will be for this week. I want to keep losing but I know I will end up eating things this weekend that aren't "diet friendly" and I don't want to feel all bloated and gross when that happens. That will totally ruin my weekend.

But for now, I leave you with my latest favorite thinspo vid (because I love the music. My husband and I pretty much listen to The Temper Trap whenever we drive to anywhere)