Thursday, October 27, 2016

A few more days of struggle

Today I should begin carb loading.

Sunday I have a 50k. I want to enjoy it. I want to finish it. For the past couple of weeks I had been looking forward to these few days because I knew I would be giving myself permission to eat basically anything and everything, knowing I will need nearly 5,000 Calories in my system on Sunday (granted, some of that can be stored fat - oh that all of it could be - and some of it can be eaten the day of) but in order to make it through I know I also need stored glycogen which I should be getting now. I should also be resting because I injured my back two weeks ago and it has been getting better but I'm not at 100% yet, so really I should be resting and eating.

I made a smoothie for myself this morning. It had Kashi plant-based protein, banana, strawberries, raspberries, spirulina, peanut butter and flax milk. It was around 300 Calories, and I should have just let it nourish my system. Instead I went out and ran 3 miles to get the 300 Calories out. How am I supposed to store nutrients if I insist on burning them immediately?

The problem is, I know I have been making progress, and I want to keep making progress. I'm anxious to break back down into the 140's (geez, I can't believe I'm so big I think 140's is an accomplishment) and while the rational part of my mind knows I won't throw it all down the drain by eating and resting for three days and then running 31 miles on Sunday, I still can't bring myself to do it. It's too terrifying.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Narrow miss

Tonight was supposed to kick off four straight evenings of food-centered social events. Fortunately (sorry dear friend) the children of our friends whose house we were supposed to be going to tonight are sick so they had to cancel. That's one less calorie-packed evening. I might be able to pull off one night of "not feeling very well" throughout the weekend, which only brings me down to two major food/drink events. I'm trying to run up a very large deficit today and tomorrow. I already ran off 600 calories today, and it's nice and cool out so it will be easy to bike to and from work. Between that and the running I should be at about 1,300 Calories burned with exercise (maybe since our friends canceled and I have the evening free, can even manage to sneak in one more run tonight). Then tomorrow I am watching my friend's kids during the day and they love to run around outside so that's a few more Calories. Then eat/drink tomorrow (but try to keep it to a minimum), then pull the "not feeling great" card on Saturday, then it's only one more food packed night on Sunday.

I'm actually quite good at refusing food until I'm drunk, which sucks because I love to drink. I would even be content to just have the alcohol calories, but of course, once I pass my "too drunk" threshold, I fucking binge. It's awful. And I know it's coming, but every time I'm like "this will be the time I don't stuff my face while drunk, I will have self-control" but I haven't actually managed it. Maybe that will be my over-arching goal this weekend. Make it through the whole weekend drinking, but not bingeing. Maybe a 2017 New Year's resolution?

I am a shitty doctor.

Speaking of being a doctor, did I mention I got another job doing that? Working out of a friend's office. Guess who one of my friend's patients is. Yeah, it's the amazing wife of my "man-friend". I feel so shitty when I'm around her because a) she's so much more amazing than I am on all levels, and b) I know that I am consciously trying to steal the attention of her goddamn husband. I'll admit, it felt a little good that she called me "Dr. real-last-name" though I immediately told her not to, we know each other and even in an office setting she should just call me by my first name. She was in the office yesterday and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide because she's so nice to me, and I don't on any level want to attract her husband's attention to hurt her, and hopefully I'm not. Hopefully I'm not even succeeding and this whole fucking thing is all made up in my head, because she doesn't deserve any lack of anything in life. But that's the worst part! There's nothing about her husband that I'm particularly attracted to, except that his wife is so great, and I want to feel great. So literally the worst part about what I want is everything I don't want. OMG. If any one I know in real life reads this, please put a gun to my head because I am the worst person.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

No babies, please.

I've found myself wanting to have a kid lately. This is madness of course, because I like my lifestyle too much and know realistically I would be miserable if stuck with a child 24/7 right now.

I just want to be the best at things, and this is hard to explain. It's not about wanting to parent perfectly, it's just that I have always been the one who is "ahead" of things. I graduated high school at the age of 16 with a full year of college already under my belt. I get things done. But at this point, I'm almost 30 and every one I know has kids. And the people who have kids think very little of the people who don't. They talk all day long about how life is just easy and wonderful until kids come in to the picture. I'm very looked-down on for not having them. It doesn't matter that my husband and I both work full-time, have a dog, a house, church responsibilities, do volunteer work and are otherwise active in our community. We are "less than" because we are not parents.

Again, this is madness. I am WELL AWARE of the fact that this is not a good reason to have kids. I just feel like by not having them, all of my "success" is only temporary. That as soon as I do, I will get fat, tired, lazy, I'll stop running, dump my career, and no longer be "impressive". So the challenge would of course be to have kids, and still juggle everything with a smile on my face to show the world that YES! I am worthy! I work hard and have value as a woman because I have brought life into the world and still manage to keep everything going!

Terrible reasons, but it's where my head is.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Colder months on the way.

I came home at 162.5

By weeks' end I was only 159. It's harder as I get older. I might be back down to 156 by now but I'm not getting on the scale until November.

Husband made a remark yesterday morning when I got out of bed before I had gotten dressed. "You look really skinny."

I couldn't come up with a reply. I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that his eyes were deceiving him, and in no realm is 5'9" and a hundred-fifty-something pounds skinny. It's not. But I don't want to be that wife that constantly degrades herself in front of people in hopes that people will continue with the compliments. So I said "huh..." and left the room.

It's about time for old bloggers to be coming back. Always seems the cold weather and holidays bring people back around. Is it the lack of sunlight? The looming holiday parties? What is it about the cold months that brings us back to restricting and self-loathing?