A few more days of struggle

Today I should begin carb loading.

Sunday I have a 50k. I want to enjoy it. I want to finish it. For the past couple of weeks I had been looking forward to these few days because I knew I would be giving myself permission to eat basically anything and everything, knowing I will need nearly 5,000 Calories in my system on Sunday (granted, some of that can be stored fat - oh that all of it could be - and some of it can be eaten the day of) but in order to make it through I know I also need stored glycogen which I should be getting now. I should also be resting because I injured my back two weeks ago and it has been getting better but I'm not at 100% yet, so really I should be resting and eating.

I made a smoothie for myself this morning. It had Kashi plant-based protein, banana, strawberries, raspberries, spirulina, peanut butter and flax milk. It was around 300 Calories, and I should have just let it nourish my system. Instead I went out and ran 3 miles to get the 300 Calories out. How am I supposed to store nutrients if I insist on burning them immediately?

The problem is, I know I have been making progress, and I want to keep making progress. I'm anxious to break back down into the 140's (geez, I can't believe I'm so big I think 140's is an accomplishment) and while the rational part of my mind knows I won't throw it all down the drain by eating and resting for three days and then running 31 miles on Sunday, I still can't bring myself to do it. It's too terrifying.