Monday, December 21, 2015


Going out of town tomorrow morning so visit my family. It's always interesting. Often unfortunate.

Since I likely won't be on here while visiting them, I'll have to catch up with you all when I get back next week. Good luck at whatever Christmas celebrations you may be attending.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Mostly stuck to the plan

Well, last night I didn't go as overboard as I worried I might, but it wasn't exactly as I had planned; a fact made worse by the added facts that I ate a few bites of rice and beans yesterday afternoon, AND my run got cut short after 2 miles because for some reason I kept having to shit all day long. (Why, I don't know, I hardly had anything in me to evacuate, but my body seemed to think it was urgent)

So then when I got to dinner, I had two beers and a slice of pizza, but the table also ordered Italian Nachos and I got dished up a small plate. Luckily, the friends I was with love those, so no one was really in the mood to share so I was given only about two nachos, but with all the cheese, pepperoni, and sausage on them it was easily a couple hundred added calories -- ones I would much rather have consumed in another beer.

And then, when I got home, for some reason I decided to have three more bites of the leftover pizza (something I was hoping we wouldn't have gone home with).


ESPECIALLY because this morning I looked up the Calorie count of ONE SLICE of the pizza I had. I was seriously hoping it was no more than 450 (it was deep dish, but I was being optimistic). NOPE. 530 Calories in ONE SLICE. That easily puts my calorie count for dinner alone at over 1,000. This does not include the probably 150-200 calories of rice and beans I had this afternoon.

FML. So much more work to do before I leave for my parents' house on Tuesday for the holiday.

Friday, December 18, 2015


Well, this morning was the weigh-in. I'm down 13 pounds in the past month. I would be more excited about this if I wasn't about to spend a week at my parents' house. And if those 13 pounds weren't just barely dropping me into the category of a normal BMI. Holy shit, I got so fat. Seriously, the most I have ever weighed in my life.

Anyway, I need to get a lot of activity today and eat nothing all day because a group of us are going out for beer and pizza tonight. I, of course, don't want to, but I'm putting on a happy face and saying "oh yay, pizza, I'm so excited." Fortunately, one of the couples with whom we are going out, are people that we have not seen in ages, so there will be lots of talking and laughing and it should be possible to get away with two beers and a piece of pizza. Really, I should be shooting for one beer, and that is theoretically doable, but you know how much I like my alcohol. It just means I need more activity today to burn it off.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Being polite

Like many of you who expend effort to abstain from sustenance, I try to make the rations I do consume, nutritious and low Calorie. (That, or make a public show of visually shouting "hey every one, look at me, I am eating, and the food is "normal" like all of yours, and I am definitely not starving myself ever")

And as I have mentioned before, I have been spending a good amount of time with a Somali family I know. And as also mentioned, it is polite to share food and drink. This would not be so bad, had she offered me a glass of water and some of the carrots she had in her fridge. Unfortunately, after I watched her children for a couple of hours, I decided to stay and visit with her. (I can't imagine how lonely she must be, she has only been in the States about a month and still doesn't speak English)

As is customary, she sat a plate of food and drink out for me. The Food: White bread and mayonnaise sandwich. The Drink: Black tea (which wouldn't have been so bad, except for: ) LOADED with milk and sugar. Seriously, she puts about a cup of sugar in a quart of tea. 

Trying not to be rude, I ate the sandwich (because fat scares me less than sugar) and then tried to sip the tea. My stomach was lurching from the rush of sugar. And it tasted terrible. Fortunately, she began telling me stories about her time in Somalia and Ethiopia, and because of the language barrier, it took a lot of concentration and focus to figure out what she was saying, and I managed to only drink about a third of the cup of tea. 

It was still certainly more refined sugar than I am used to, which hit me about an hour after I got home. I crashed hard on the couch and woke up only when Husband came home from work nearly an hour later. 

Fortunately, he had to be somewhere at 6 pm and I had to be somewhere at 6:30 so didn't have time to have dinner together. Unfortunately, when I got home, he had been making rice, beans, sausage, and cheese, which I did give in to and had a few bites of. 

So yesterday wasn't great, but Husband is gone during the day, and I will be gone when he gets home until later in the evening, so today should go more smoothly. And let's hope it does, because tomorrow is my weigh-in for one month since I began restricting hard again. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Graying out

Had my first gray out in a while. I don't mean this in the drunk sense of the word, but rather the restricting sense. 

After having all of the food I consumed yesterday, I certainly wasn't going to eat this morning, but I know I had a couple of drinks yesterday too, so I figured that even though I drank quite a bit of water before bed last night, I would drink more than usual this morning in case I had some lingering dehydration. I went to the mall to look for a  couple of sweaters because the few things I own that fit me are a good 5-6 years old and I really hate wearing because the styles are very outdated. I'm certainly nowhere near what one would consider fashionable, but I also don't want to dress like it's 2004 and I'm in high school. 

Anyway, after I had been at the mall for about an hour or so, I was crouching down briefly to look at a sweater on a bottom shelf. As I stood up, my head started to spin, my vision started to blur. Dammit. I hate when this happens in public. At home, I can just lie down, but in the middle of a busy shopping mall, not so much. 

Fortunately, it was brief. I took a couple of small steps and moved my head a little so that I wasn't staring off into space so much and no one would notice. It passed. 

Unexpected loss and genius ways of getting out of eating sushi.

All right, so I lied (to myself, and to you).

I weighed myself this morning.

Yeah yeah, here's the justification: I know I ate too much yesterday. Too many carbs, too much sodium, everything that should bump up the scale. I figured then if I didn't have a loss (or worse, I had a gain) I could blame the party food.

Well fortunately, I was down a pound from whenever I last weighed myself (Friday? Saturday? I don't remember). Which is good news. The only problem I am going to have is if I see the same number this Friday. This should be a busy week though, so I shouldn't wind up with too many hang ups.

As far as the party: I managed to eat very little prior to the party. There was a going-away reception thing for a friend at church so I hung around and ate a few pieces of fruit, then when I got home from church I ate a handful of cherry tomatoes and about 1/4 of an avocado (that was leftover from Husband's sandwich), so I was already over what I had planned to eat prior to the party.

Once I got to the party, I initially got a bloody mary because the bar/brewery this party was at has great bloody marys that are on special on Sundays. I ordered it spicier than I prefer so it would take longer to drink.
When it came time for food I had a plate of it. I made sure to keep everything very separate on my plate, so it looked full without actually being totally full. This still ended up being the largest quantity of food I have consumed in quite some time and my stomach was killing me from all of the grease and sugar.

I did manage to stop at that plate though. I kept a beer in my hand so it appeared as though I was consuming, but did as much talking as I could so that I didn't have to drink it (even though it was a beer that my friend made, and it was delicious, so it was an added challenge to not drink it).

After the party: Somehow, Husband wanted to go out and get dinner. I was still full from the food in the afternoon! Luckily, he suggested sushi, and I'm pretty good as keeping things light at sushi. My go-to it the Naruto roll because it is just fish wrapped in cucumber (no rice, no other fillers) and it's about as low-cal as you're going to get. The best part, however, was that prior to sitting down, a friend of ours who we had invited, said she didn't like sushi because it reminds her of embalmed frogs. So here's what I did: while I had the sushi in my mouth, I thought hard about dissecting fogs and cats in undergrad (which is really unappetizing) and I literally started gagging, had to spit out my sushi, and told Husband that all I could think about was dissecting animals (thanks to our friend) and now my sushi was ruined. He laughed at me and said "That's fine, we can take the rest home for the dog".

So even though I definitely consumed more than I had hoped, it was also less than I had feared, and I'm patting myself on the back for getting out of finishing my already small quantity of sushi. Small wins.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Ganache and gauche

I'm waiting for Jameson Irish Whiskey Ganache to cool in my fridge so I can go to bed. It's 1 am. My stomach hurts because I haven't eaten since breakfast this morning (though I managed a lot of beer since this afternoon) and while making these Irish Car Bomb cupcakes for a party tomorrow I taste-tested enough of the process that all of the fat and sugar are making my stomach feel terrible. That was stupid.

On the plus side, Husband commented this morning, before we went for our run, that he thought I looked skinny (which he said as he touched my stomach). I told him no, it's probably just because I just got up and my body is all stretched out, so I look longer. I'm not thinner.

Primarily because I'm not. I haven't lost anything in the past week. I decided I'm not going to weigh myself until December 18, because that will be one month since I really started restricting again. Even though I don't expect to see much of a drop between now and then, I have lost something since November 18th and I can call the total loss the amount for the month. It ought to be enough to keep me going.

I spent a lot of time around people today. I'm awkward, to say the least. I'm pretty sure I hold eye contact too long, because people tend to look at me like "what?" or "um, okay, go ahead". Does that make any sense? I would much rather be alone all day.

Christmas party tomorrow (hence, the cupcakes). It should be easy enough to avoid food until the party (it's in the afternoon) but parties are tricky. It's rude to not overeat, so it requires a lot of strategy which I haven't quite figured out, but I know it's going to involve keeping a drink in my hand. Look guys! I'm consuming something!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Grocery store observations

I went to the grocery store yesterday to get food for Husband. Most of the trips there are for him. I wish he would just go. But realistically, I'm still officially unemployed, so I have more time to go.

I got some more broth, lentil soup, and celery for myself. I then set about the store to pick up the things Husband likes: milk, eggs, meat.
While I was wandering through the store, I saw this very skinny woman. She was wearing athletic clothing - leggings and a form fitting top - and was basically all bones. I don't normally like to pass judgment on people being skinny (and just assume they don't eat) but I saw her staring a foods and manically picking things up, reading the labels, and putting them back down. I encountered her three times over the course of my shopping trip, twice in the aisles, once in the checkout line behind me. I watched her take her foods out of the cart and put them on the belt: Chicken broth. Pickles. Gum. Lots of gum. While waiting for me to finish checking out, she then frantically grabbed a bag of Doritos that were staring her in the face, and placed them on the belt. Then she turned around and started picking up candy bars and putting them down. She ended up picking up more gum, and putting that on the belt. I wanted to tell her to stop. That she'll hate herself for the Doritos (unless of course, those are a calculated "safe" food for her, which is entirely possible, but seems unlikely due to the look on her face) and that she should put them back. I wanted to hug her.

This is sort of a strange sense of compassion for me. Not that I think I'm entirely cold or particularly heartless toward people in general, but I spent so much time in my life around eating disorders (read: every one in my family) that I am usually very resentful of people with eating disorders. I tend to find them annoying (which is likely why I don't want any one to know about my issues, I literally brag about being "the only one in my family who can eat like a normal person".... I suck)

So, woman at the store in the yellow leggings, with the broth, pickles, and gum, if you're reading this, I hope you didn't eat the Doritos. I hope you stuck to your plan, or at least ate something that nourished you (like fruit, or vegetables). I hope you're okay.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

My pride keeps me eating...

... because I refuse to look weak. 

I did two PiYo workouts yesterday, one at 5 am and one at 6:30 pm. In the middle I ran errands, watched those same kids as before (which involved a lot of running around) and worked at my friend's store. The worst part, is that I wasn't hungry at all, but I know when I don't eat anything I get weak, and I do not want to look weak. In part, this is because if I am going to be such an over-sized whale of a person, I had better be able to prove that at least SOME of this is muscle. Otherwise, I just look lazy and lazy is the worst thing a person can be. 
I don't want to do the "Easy" variations of any of the PiYo movements.
I want to be able to so ALL of the heavy lifting required at the store. 

This requires some fuel.

I kept most of yesterday low. A banana, two kiwis, an egg, a small dish of spaghetti. But after the second PiYo class, I went out to a Mexican restaurant with my friends from the class. Here I had a margarita (somewhere between 12-16 ounces, ugh, they didn't have how many ounces the glass was on the menu, it just said "small") and LOTS of chips and salsa. I also came home and downed a bunch of those no-bake cookies sent from mommy dearest. The margarita was 100% junk, but I'm hoping my body picked up a little protein and refilled my glycogen stores from the solid food so I'm not just dropping water weight. I hate losing water weight, because it's so fast to jump back on. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Life is a cruel joke.

Yesterday was a true test of my will. And I would say I passed. Not with flying colors, but I passed.

I got through the day having eaten only a banana and an egg, and having run around with some children I was watching in the afternoon. So I got some exercise and ate very little. Then, in the evening, Husband came home from work with a surprise for me: A Giant Kit-Kat Bar. Holy shit. He knows I love kit-kats, so it was intended to be a generous gift. While I was disappointed that it was candy, I had done well all day so I let myself have a bite.

Then, husband went to check the mail. When he came back in, it was a package from my mother: Fudge, no-bake cookies, and chocolate chip cookies.

Now, the chocolate chip, I can do without. That is not a temptation for me. But home made fudge and no-bake cookies are two of my favorite treats.

I was laughing to myself at the predicament. Are you testing me, God?!

I decided with my mind on carbs, I would make spaghetti for dinner. I didn't measure everything out well so I accidentally prepared WAY too much spaghetti. This, however, ended up working out to my advantage because Husband saw how much spaghetti I had on my plate, and I was able to eat less than half of it and pack the rest of it for him to eat for lunch today, so I ended up consuming LESS than what I usually make without raising eyebrows, because he knew I had too much on my plate to begin with.

It is generally my goal to stay under 1,000 Calories (I know even 800 or 900 sounds like a lot to many of you, but when I start eating below 500 my metabolism crashes to the ground and I can't lose anything, and then I binge, and then I gain. Under 1,000 seems to be my magic number) and I had stayed well under that (not a single cookie or piece of fudge!) so I rewarded myself with a good beer, a long soak in our hot tub, a nice hot shower, a Christmas movie and an early bedtime.

Monday, December 7, 2015


A loss! And on a Monday, which is extra exciting. Usually Friday morning is when I see a loss because I have done well all week (and then fuck everything up over the weekend) but this weekend was busy so it was SUPER easy to not overeat. Saturday I had a latte (no added sugar or flavor or anything) in the morning, a beer with a friend in the afternoon, and then a beer, three chicken tacos and a few bites of rice and beans in the evening. Yesterday I had a latte in the morning, a small dish of rice, beans, and avocado with a fresh green juice (made of spinach, cilantro, spirulina, lemon, lime, apple, cucumber) in the afternoon, and in the evening a handful of chocolate covered pretzels and a few pieces of fruit. I also made sure to do yoga on Saturday and Sunday, and went for a run on Sunday. And I was rewarded! I'm finally below my pre-thanksgiving weight. 4 more pounds and my BMI will be back under 25. I can't believe I got so big. I'm on the right track though. I will rectify this.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The social anxiety is setting in.

I canceled plans last night because I was too fat. Shit.

I ate the last piece of pumpkin pie leftover from Thanksgiving yesterday morning. So I decided to run it off. I ran three miles (so like, probably not enough because I have no idea how many calories were in the pie) and then did some yoga. I felt a little better considering it was morning and I had the rest of the day to make up for it. Well, instead of making up for it, I ate zucchini noodles with cashew cream sauce, cucumbers dipped in Bleu cheese dressing, egg nog, half of a Reese's Fast Break bar, and banana "nice cream". SO much sugar. By the end of the day, my stomach was feeling full and bloated and I actually felt slightly nauseous. I was supposed to help with the youth group at church, but I felt so awful I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, so I played up my stomach ache like it was worse than it was and stayed home on the couch, covered in a blanket.
It didn't help that I had stepped on the scale in the mid-morning only to see I was only at my pre-thanksgiving weight, and not any lower like I had hoped.

Fresh start today. So far I've just had my morning coffee and some cucumbers with vinegar. I painted my nails to kill a little time. I have errands I need to run but I'm waiting for stores to be open. It sucks sometimes to be an early riser. I get up between 5 and 5:30 every day so when I want to go out and do things, I always have to wait for things to open, so I try to read or exercise or do something that doesn't involve eating, but it can be hard.

Best of luck to all of you! Don't let this holiday season ruin your goals!