Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sort of explanation. Sort of.

A couple of you had similar comments on my last post and I started to respond in there, but I figured I would just post a new blog entry. I would first like to say that I am not offended by our comments, a) because every one is entitled to speak their mind and b) because you are absolutely right.

The fact that I haven't been entirely honest with my husband about my food issues bothers me occasionally, but there are a lot of reasons behind it too. There is no denying my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past and he has noticed. And I have told him that I "used to" have issues with eating, and that I occasionally still do, but that I am a lot better about it; which is true in large part because they used to be a lot worse. My family is riddled with eating disorders from my great aunts and grandmother on my dad's side, to my mother and my sister and he knows about these. And when I lived near them, my issues were far worse. Since moving far away from them six or seven years ago, I have allowed my behavior to settle down a little. I restrict less, I don't purge anymore and I haven't even passed out since the day I moved away. I am hoping that at some point I will start to feel genuinely healthy again.

Why then do I have this blog? Doesn't that just instigate the behavior? Surprisingly, no. I started this blog as an outlet, in large part because I don't like to talk to people about my food issues, particularly not my husband. I originally started this blog before I even met my husband, and have since deleted it and re-started it a couple of times, but I talk to people on here because you understand. And for some reason when I am talking about my thoughts on food and my behavior, I realize how ridiculous I feel (note, I am not calling you ridiculous. I am just stating the way I personally feel) and I tend to act more normal. Every time I have deleted my blog, my behavior in real life just gets worse. It's almost like having a therapist.

The reason I don't talk to my husband about it is that for all of his wonderful, amazing qualities, empathy is not one. He is a "fix it" kind of guy and very in control of his life. His whole family is like that. They aren't jerks by any means, but if something is wrong, you just fix it. If you are sad, be sad for a little bit and then just be happy again. Don't have a job? Get one. When my husband decided to stop smoking pot, he just did. When he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went on a diet and lost 30 pounds in a few weeks. It's just how he is. It's the reason no appliance in our house is ever broken for more than 10 minutes, but it's also the reason I don't talk to him about my food issues. Because I can't seem to just "fix it" so there isn't much point in talking about it.

But his attitude is also one of the things that helps me through it. Knowing how he handles things motivates me to try and do that same. I don't get as emotional over things as I used to, which is actually helping me get through my issues with food. I deal with things as they come to the extent that I can, and when I have done everything I can do, I let it go. It's amazing how much of my life has changed since experiencing my husband's "fix it" attitude. It's what gives me hope that I may, in fact, be able to gain control of my weight related behavior.

So while it is technically a bit of a lie by omission, I have told him much of my past issues, I just don't divulge every thought I have on a daily basis because I don't need to.

I do appreciate your comments though. I am glad you feel like you can be honest with me and I hope you continue to in the future.


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  2. I ttly understand you. I have told my fiancé that I have had issues with food. And that I sometimes still have a problem with it. Ofc he notices when I go crazy counting calories or what ever but he also knows that constantly talking about it just makes me feel worse.

    I am trying to be open with him about what I wish to lose or what sort of "diet" i am on. But I just don't get into the details of how much I restrict.. I didn't tell him about the purging either.. I mean.. He would just get worried and not understand, and then he would try to fix it, which would just annoy me.. Nobody can fix me.. I have to want it for my self when I am ready for it, and him trying to "fix" me would just be too much for me to handle.. And yes I am marrying this guy in matter of couple months, but I am still me.. We share a life but I don't want to share all my "issues" with him.

    And I really understand how you feel about having the blog. It is good to be able to put down what you are thinking/feeling without having to deal with the explanation of why and so on..

    So from my point of view it is all understandable..

  3. I understand how you feel. My husband used to be the same way towards me. But we've had several talks about somethings you just can't fix. He seems to be more understanding now, however, he does constantly remind me that I should be eating more and not get too skinny. So its a give and take thing.
    I'm glad that blogger is an out for you.