Saturday, April 7, 2012

Kind of torn

This is bothering me.

I know most of you on here would be excited. But I feel so dishonest. My husband wants to lose weight and he thinks I am losing so much weight pretty much effortlessly, but the truth is, I hardly eat. And I run a lot.

The good things is, I have lost weight. To the point where I almost don't hate the way I look in clothes. I even bought some shirts today without even trying them on because I just knew they would look good.

Things that I hate:
1) People are noticing. I get so awkward when people comment on the weight I have lost. It's not that I'm super thin or anything. But I have lost a noticeable amount of weight. And I don't like to talk about it. So I don't want people to notice.
2) Acting like I'm not even trying. Like losing weight is the simplest thing in the world.
3) Planning out my day and constantly figuring out what people's plans are so I can figure out how to eat the least amount of food, without making it look like I am "dieting". I want to be normal. Husband brought me home some pizza today. I knew my neighbor (who I go to school with) was coming over to see my Husband so I waited until he came over to eat some of the pizza so that he saw me eating, and if people at school think i don't eat I can be all like "no, remember, I was eating pizza!"


I hate being like this. Can't I just be normal around food?

Also, when I am hungry I am short with people. Typically I am notoriously patient and kind. But when I am tired, hungry and worn down (which I always am lately) I am not as patient or nice.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Can't I stop weighing success with weight loss?

I have been getting good grades but I recently got a C on an exam. An exam I SHOULD have gotten an A on. My embarrassment over my grade sent me into a whirlwind of running and restricting. Can't I just stop doing this? Why is it not that easy?


  1. I actually understand.. Sometimes we just don't want to share stuff that is "ours" with our hubbys.

    for me even the idea of working out with my hubby freaks me out..

    Also the grade sending you into a whirlwind as you put it is "normal" - can't do as perfect as we want on one thing, so we put up hours and hours on something we know we can control right?

    Just be careful love - things will be ok.

  2. I completely understand. Its hard not to measure success with weight loss. Its so daunting. The scale is there. You have to weigh. I understand completely.