Thanks again for your comments. I appreciate them. As far as posting my weight, it's not so much about embarrassment as it is superstition. Because I have posted my weight in the past, because I do feel like sharing it, but without fail, each time, it always goes up after I do. So it freaks me out. I think most people here can probably relate to weird superstitions.
But as I said, I need to stop being so superstitious and realize that my weight has to do with my actions, and not random acts of blogging.
So here goes.
That high weight posted on the side of the blog? That was this past fall. Prior to last fall, the highest I had ever reached was 180 lbs, and that was always my tipping point (I reached it twice because I have no self-control). But this past fall before I quit my job, I saw 180 and just couldn't bring myself to drop it. I kept eating. And I wasn't exercising, at least not significantly. It was bad news. I think it was kind of a personal rebellion against my boss. You can read about her here. She only hired me because I was slim, athletic, and pretty, and I think my constant eating in the office and subsequent weight gain was me giving her the middle finger. (note: there were many reasons I quit that job, on top of it not being a healthy environment, I ended up leaving because she wasn't paying me. There was talk of raises, bonuses, et cetera, to make up for how little she was paying me, but they never came, so I left)
Shortly after I quit was when I saw that horrific 186 lbs (BMI 27.5, yuck) But the holidays always trigger me (a lot of us actually, if you look at the blogging community around November/December) to want to lose weight. I think the whole seeing family, going to parties, getting ready for a new year, being surrounded by fattening food just wakes me up to how much I don't want to be the "fat friend". And there's the whole control thing.
So anyway, today is March 1st, and I'm not making the progress I had hoped to for how much I have been restricting and exercising, but I'm still headed in the right direction so I'm determined to keep going. This morning I was 166.0 (BMI 24.5, at least I'm in the normal range again)
Still huge. Still above what I consider my "I may be fat but at least I can be seen in public" weight (which is below 160). It's only going to be cold for a few more days and then next week spring is supposed to arrive, which means I can't hide under sweatshirts and jackets for much longer. And the next 20 lbs are going to be harder than the first.
Do I have a goal weight? Not really. I mean, I've always liked the idea of 123. It's a BMI of 18.2, which means I would be underweight, but close enough to a normal range that if any one got "concerned" I could easily lie by a few pounds and say I was in the normal range and no one had any reason to be concerned. (Because even when I was 150 lbs two years ago, people thought I was "thin enough" and "definitely shouldn't lose any more weight") And realistically, I have fairly prominent bones when I'm thin. I look back at pictures of myself even at 135 lbs (BMI 19.9) and I see bones.
In addition to a good BMI, those are such nice chronological-looking number. 1, 2, 3.