Not expecting to be in the 150's at the beginning of June. I did a little damage control after the last binge, but I also spent the last week visiting family on the East Coast. The first couple of days I did exceptionally well, but Saturday night we had a party and I probably consumed at least 1,000 Calories in alcohol alone, on top of eating cake, chips, fruit salad, cheese, and a shit-ton of olives. The days following were not as horrific but I can guarantee you I did not run a deficit. Too much booze. Too much food.
I couldn't help but notice how much energy I had the whole time. I didn't need my usual intravenous supply of caffeine. Aside from the party, I wasn't stuffing my face, just eating when other people ate, and what they ate. Eggs and a biscuit for breakfast, salad and sandwich for lunch, Pho for dinner. I was never hungry, but I ate like a "normal" person. This gave me a supply of energy I haven't felt in months. Even today, being my first day back, I felt like I could have run forever. The only reason I stopped is because it was hot out and the dog was getting exhausted and I wanted to get him home before he over-heated.
The problems with never feeling hungry are that a) I will never lose weight that way, and b) if I'm not hungry, I feel fat. I feel as if my arms are swollen balloons, smashed into my upper back fat; like my stomach is billowing out over my thighs like a rolling tide; my thighs that resemble those of an elephant, smashing their way down to my cankles. I told my husband the other day I feel like I walk like a fat person. He laughed and said "At least you pick up your feet when you walk." He didn't say I was wrong.
I know most people look at their reflection or photos of themselves and see all of their flaws. They poke and prod at their bodies because of all of the fat parts they see. I don't tend to do this. Occasionally, yes, but mostly my behavior is spawned by the way I feel. I have too look at my reflection to remind myself that I at least look somewhat normal. That it is unlikely every one around me is staring at me and thinking "gross". I know I don't look like a supermodel, but if I can catch a glimpse of myself sitting next to my friends and family and compare our reflections and see that I am, in fact, the same size as many, smaller than most, and only larger than a few, I shouldn't feel so panicked that I am such a whale. How do you get past this? Is it possible to get out of your own head and not feel so large. Or at least not focus on feeling so large?