After months of waiting

There is finally a new batch of Very Mary-Kate videos!

Go enjoy them.

(If you haven't watched them, I recommend starting from the beginning. They make slightly more sense.)

Less than a month

since my last post! Personal win. I'm trying to keep up on it.

Thanks Gianna for that comment. I really liked that article :)

The holiday really fucked me over. In the five days I spent at my in-laws I managed to gain back every pound that I lost since school started. Seriously. Even though I managed to refuse a lot of food, it was like, non-stop food fest. All junk.
I did weigh myself the day after returning though, which usually means a pound or two of travel bloat, so I'm hoping that's going to go away by tomorrow. The rest will probably take some work.

Coming up on a new year it's time to look back on 2011.

Greatest accomplishment of 2011: First full calendar year since high school of NO PURGING!!!!
This is a huge success for me. Those of you who have been following for a while know how much I have struggled with this. I HATE purging. It is painful, harmful and has never yielded good results for me. Without it, I have managed to avoid a lot of binges (knowing I won't allow it).

I think as a result, I had a net loss of poundage over the past year. Not a large one because I started the year with a sizable gain with my move across the country. That was upsetting. But I have come down a little from it and that's a plus.

With that, I am looking into the new year. Restricting should be easy for the next few months. My school schedule is only getting more intense and I won't be traveling or visiting friends or family for the next 7 months. And I can accomplish a lot in that time. Especially when I think back to how things were going these past two months of school.

I've been thinking of setting some guidelines (as we all do) and with my tight schedule it should be fairly easy to keep.

I haven't cemented these into exact rules but I know I need to increase my exercise (that has suffered since school started).

Also, I need to keep my carbs low. I haven't come up with a number or a system because I need to factor in fruits and veggies. With how intense school has gotten, I cannot afford scurvy or the plague or any bullshit like that right now.

I need to decrease my alcohol consumption too. That has gotten a little out of control.

So I will be making some rules out of these. More exact numbers so it's easier to stick to and more noticeable if I deviate.

For now I leave you with this (which I stole from a favorite blogger of mine)

A month

Wow. A whole month since I have posted. Sorry folks, I have been way busy.
I have been thinking about you though! I miss every one on here. I have zero free time lately so it has been hard.

School has been going well. Mostly A's and B's, but 2 F's. Not too worried about the F's. They would actually be D's but my school doesn't have D's. But I can bring those up. I still have time.

Plus side of being too busy = Too busy to eat. Husband has noticed I've lost weight which is awesome. The only weird thing is that the numbers on the scale have hardly moved. not sure why. My clothes are looser and I feel slimmer. But very little poundage lost.

As stated before, we do a lot of touching each other in my classes. Feeling bones and muscles. We will be doing even more next term and I really don't want people to not want to touch me.

I am a little panicked for the holiday. Fortunately we are going to my in-laws for a few days for Christmas and even though I am sure there will be plenty of junk, my mother-in-law won't force-feed me like my own mother does. So the self-control is all on me. And I think I can handle it. I've been getting a better mindset lately and I think I can stick to it. I feel more comfortable being hungry. I just hope when I am not on such a tight schedule I won't be snacking.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on here. I wish I had something more interesting, but all I do is school stuff.

Here's an interesting thing that I learned in one of my classes. If a woman is starving while she is pregnant it alters her genes in a way that is passed down for four generations.
What does this mean? I don't know. other than you can tell if your great-great-grandmother was starving.

Take care of yourselves!

Finally, a post!

School has been crazy. Never have I ever studied so hard in my life. Ya know when it's finals week and you spend all day and night studying? That's my every day.

We have class from 7:30am until mid-late afternoon. I then spend 3-4 hours going over what we learned from the day and doing homework with my two neighbors who are in my class. It's very convenient. The one guy lives in the same building as I do, and the other one live across the street from us. They are both married which is cool. I was wondering how it would be, being back in school and married, but of my class of about 130, I would say a third to maybe a half of the class is married. Even more of the students in the upper classes are married, so I'm not nearly the only on in the boat I'm in.

I've managed to drop a few pounds. Two actually, which is better than a gain. I had to drastically cut back on how much I was consuming because I am sitting for most of the day. I have yet to start using the fitness center at school because the weather has been warm enough I can run outside, but the temps have been dropping which means soon it will be too cold for me to run outside without my airways drying out/closing up.

I had a major win too! We were going over anatomy and palpating certain bones and muscles in the body in my anatomy lab. And the professor was demonstrating with students. I was up when we were discussing the clavicle. I happened to be wearing a shirt that the edge of the collar sat out on my shoulders and the professor made a joke about how we didn't even need to palpate the structures on my clavicle, and that every one could for sure see them clear across the room. Collarbones for the win!

I now have a study date with my neighbors so I have to wrap this up (yeah, we study every Saturday too).

I hope you are all well! I will try to make some more time to post. Still kind of working out my schedule. Not used to being QUITE this busy. But on the plus side, very little time to eat!

Take care!

Still around!

Hey every one! I know it's been a while since I posted, school has been CRAZY! I'll post when I have time but for now I am going to read a few of YOUR blogs to catch up on what I can.
I miss you all!

Dreams

First off, this is my first post since I was at 86 posts that I now have more posts than followers (106th post, 105 followers).

Anyway,

Does any one have any insight into dream meaning? I can usually tell from where mine stem but not this one. A few weeks ago I had a dream I was in my friend Erin's wedding but she had two weddings. For the first wedding, all the bridesmaids had to wear white. For the second, we all had to wear blue, but I couldn't find my blue dress. Last night I had a dream about being in Kathryn's wedding. Different location, same thing. Two weddings, the first we all had to wear white, the second we all had to wear blue, but I couldn't find my blue dress. Very odd recurring dream and I can't figure out what it means....


My husband installed Ubuntu on my computer last night. I really like it but I had a small panic attack when he did it without warning me. We had been talking about doing it, but first we had to back up all the files from my computer. Before we did, I had planned to get rid of my thinspo/fitness journals/etc. folders that had all of my ED and related nonsense. And then last night I went into the living room, and there he was, putting it all on his external hard drive. So now my husband has in his possession all of the stuff I never wanted him to find.

In all honesty, I have to be realistic. He is my husband. I don't have any desire to lie to him about this. If he finds out, I will have to talk to him about it and I will do it. But for now, I prefer to keep it to myself. Mostly because he will just think it is stupid. I have posted about this before. And even though I won't lie to him, there are things I don't feel like sharing voluntarily. Oh well. Que sera, sera.

In other news, I start school on Monday. Well, technically Tuesday is my first day of school, but Monday is orientation. It will be so weird being back in school. It feels like so long since I graduated college. I will be working on my doctorate. How grown up.

Onlookers

My blog has now had 3,999 views. So thanks everybody for reading. :)
Maybe I'll start compiling some of my favorite thinspo for when I reach 5,000 views...

Miranda, I strongly encourage eating bison. It's very healthy (particularly if you can find some local organic stuff like we get, but that gets trickier when you get out the the midwest, unless you are in a wealthier area) and it's DELICIOUS! You have to be careful to not overcook it because it doesn't have a lot of fat so it gets a little tough if you cook it too fast or too much, but it's yummier than even the best steak I have ever had. It also is great ground and made into burgers.


In other news, I just got back from a good run. I think it's fall allergies but I have been having a lot of trouble breathing lately. It's not cold enough yet for my asthma to be kicking in so I can only think allergies. This is annoying because my muscles feel great and like I want to run farther/faster but I can't get a decent breath! My diaphragm starts to cramp up and hurt from working so hard to get a breath in because my airways close up but I keep running.

I know this messes with my heart rate and my metabolism so I don't really know my Calorie burn. Daily mile says my run was about 500 Calories but I'm sure that's off in some way. I should invest in a Heart Rate monitor. Any suggestions? I recall many of you posting about them so maybe you can help me out.

As long as I burned 300 calories because between my orange juice and latte today that's what I have consumed.

Weekend Business

All of my mornings begin the same: Roll onto my back. Feel my stomach. Am I bloated? Run my hands over my collarbones, ribs, hips. Any new bones?

We have been enjoying our new espresso machine. Making delicious large lattes in all kinds of fall flavorss for around 200 calories. (Which is higher than when I drink my coffee black or just a splash of half&half, but this is way yummier, and still less than most coffee shops).

Désespérée, the really fancy espresso machines are about 800 dollars at least. But this one works really well and you can get them for about 20 bucks. We have the Krups 963/A.


The problem with my weekends is alcohol. I'm not one to get plastered on a regular basis, but I am a social drinker. Friday night Husband's co-worker invited us to his house for dinner to celebrate their other co-worker's last day at their work. It was fun. I had the self-control to only eat one taco (that was mostly lettuce) even though the meat for it was sooo good and I wanted another, but I knew we would be drinking beer all night. Husband's co-worker and his wife make their own beer (which we want to do too) and it was very tasty so I had a few of those.

Then Last night, Husband wanted to make a nice dinner. So we went to the farmer's market, got some good bison steaks and made those (which turned out great! I can't get over how delicious bison is for such a lean meat) with tortellini and cranberry pecan salads. I also made a tomato bisque but we didn't really end up eating that. We lit candles and drank wine (actually, I drank wine, Husband doesn't really care for wine so he had a stout) and it was a nice meal.

I can feel it today though. It feels like I have a rock in my stomach. I would go for a run but I need to go for a long one and I won't have time until after work.

Gain and Loss

Hello all.

I was out of town last weekend for a wedding in Husband's hometown. It was so great to see every one I hadn't seen in a long time.

I like traveling on a plane because I tend not to eat. I hate traveling in the car because I eat the whole time. Driving out there wasn't so bad because we drove over night and split the driving so I didn't do a lot of boredom eating. He drove the first 6 hours, I drove the next six hours, he drove again the last hour because it was 4:30 in the morning by that point and I could no longer stay awake.

The trip back, however, was during the day and Husband wanted to drive the whole time, which gave me 14 hours to just sit in the car.
I like traveling with Husband. We have a good time and we laugh a lot but sitting in the car for so long really lends itself to boredom eating.

So I gained three pounds over the weekend. But I had lost it all by this past Friday. So, meh.

While we were there, my mother-in-law gave us her old espresso maker. My brother-in-law said it didn't really work so he wanted to throw it out but we thought we'd take it and give it a shot.

Well, there were two things wrong with it: It was missing a piece for the steam attachment to work and it was filthy. The whole machine was clogged up from not being properly cleaned, ever. So husband and I spent this past Saturday morning taking every single piece of this machine apart, removing all the wires and stuff and soaking everything in bleach. We then went to the store and got a sheet of metal to make the little piece we were missing. Once it was all cleaned and re-assembled it looks and works like brand new! So excited because we loooooove lattes but we hate to spend the kind of money required to go to Starbucks or Dunn Brothers or anything (even though sometimes we still do) but now we don't have to! And my favorite part? I control the motherfucking Calories!
I know exactly what is going into these bad boys and I don't have to just trust that the barista is making it according to the website's Calorie spreadsheet standards. Also, I make things that are delicious (I was a barista for a summer a few years ago) with barely half the Calories of Starbucks. Win!

Thank you all for your reading suggestions! I took my Nook to B&N to start reading Kid Rex and so far it's more about her treatment than anything else and it's pretty boring. I think I will have to try reading Insatiable. It is one that I had considered before I came across Kid Rex but I hadn't decided for sure. But now that it has been so recommended, I think I will have to get it.

How's every one doing?

Running

I went for another run this morning. It felt really good, the air outside was great. I do have fall allergies that make breathing a little tougher but I find if I am cutting back on my grain consumption my allergies don't bother me as much.

I have tried walking but I really enjoy running more. Plus I have heard that walking doesn't engage your butt quite as much. Some say it does, many say it doesn't so... not quite sure.

I've been looking for a new ED book for my Nook. Haven't read one in a while. Does any one have any suggestions? I would like one that focuses a lot on the ED and not so much just their lives. I started reading Diary of an Exercise Addict by Peach Friedman while I was at Barnes & Noble the other day, but it wasn't interesting enough to purchase. I also started reading Skinny by Ibi Kaslik, but didn't care too much for that one.

I've read Wasted a number of times. Also Unbearable Lightness. Those were two of my favorites. I have also read Wintergirls, Hunger Point and I think a couple of others. They were good. Thin by Grace Bowman looks good but it's not available on the Nook so I think I might hold out a little longer on that one. I'm leaning toward Kid Rex. It looks the most interesting. Has any one read it? Or does any one recommend anything else?

Monday, monday

So I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you every one for you comments.

Konrad, I'm not sure what caused it. My first thought was bad lunch meat (which is not something I normally eat anyway) but it was the last thing I ate before I got sick. Plus, ever since I got sick I haven't really been in the mood for meat. I've eaten a little meat since then, but hardly any. Only thing that makes me think it might not have been the meat was that Husband ate it on the same day and he didn't get sick. And I haven't been to a doctor in forever. I used to go when I was sick, but they never did anything. They would just tell me they weren't sure what the problem was and to come back if I got any worse. Every time. So I just stopped going.

Kitty and Does it even matter, I did accidentally drink too much water once or twice. I tried to keep it to small sips but I was soooo thirsty.

My stomach wasn't great for about a week after the whole debacle so I have probably only been eating about half my normal food intake. On the plus side, I have only gained back two of the five pounds I lost. On the downside, I haven't had much energy for running. I have gone a couple of times but not very often/long/fast. I need to get back out because all of this lack of running the past month has started to make my butt flatter. And we can't have that. My sex drive has been way too high lately to have to deal with the self-consciousness that comes from my butt being too flat. (Husband is really into my butt, and if he is going to be doing all that grabbing it and stuff I want it to be up to snuff)

How to lose 5 lbs in 24 hrs

Step 1) Get violently ill.

This post may be a little gross to read. If you don't like reading gross posts, you should probably stop reading.

I'm not sure what happened to me the last day and a half. Two nights ago I started feeling sick to my stomach. Yesterday I felt even worse and ended up leaving work early for fear of throwing up. From the time I got home at 2:30 in the afternoon until I went to bed around 10pm last night, all I did was have diarrhea. Constantly. I don't even know how there was that much to come out of me. By the end of it, it was all just this yellowy liquid that burned a lot. It was awful. I was so empty and dehydrated that I was freezing and husband came in to the bedroom and asked why I just had a sweatshirt draped over me. I told him it was because I was too drained to even put it over my head.

It was around 10pm that the madness stopped and I knew I should eat something but I feared it would hurt too bad. I ended up having a banana, which took me almost an hour to eat, and a glass of water. This combination caused a little more burning liquid to be expelled from my body but that seemed to be about the end of it.

After having the banana I just wanted to go to bed. I was exhausted and I ended up shivering myself to sleep under flannel sheets, a heavy blanket and two down comforters while Husband tried to keep me warm.

I'm feeling much better this morning. Still pretty exhausted and a little afraid to eat anything but certainly in less pain.

Luckily I am only working a 3 hour shift today. Which hardly seems worth it, but today I am not complaining.

Back at it

Finally got out running this morning! It helps that I don't have to work until noon. I was supposed to go in at 4pm actually, but one of our employees hasn't shown up for two days now so I am going in early for her. On the plus side, I get to leave early. I can leave at 7pm which means I don't have to close! Which is great because I HATE closing.

Anyway, my run went pretty well. I logged it on daily mile (it hurt to log in and see at the top of the screen "0 miles per week".) My overall pace was one of my slowest, but again it was my first time out in three weeks. I wasn't expecting any personal records. And I started off practically sprinting because it felt so good to run again but that meant I tired faster and had to walk a little in the middle of the run. Oh well, got my heart rate up and according to daily mile I burned about 467 Calories, and on two sips of coffee with milk and two bites of pineapple that starts my day at negative Cals so I'll take it!

How are all of you doing?

100 followers!

Thanks folks for likin' my blog!

And to my new followers, I hope you are enjoying it (even with my lack of recent posting). I follow many of your blogs (Karolina, I've really enjoyed reading yours) but I think most of my new followers don't have links to their blogs in their profiles, so if I'm not currently following yours and you would like me to check it out (I'm always looking for new blogs to follow) leave me a link in the comments!

Husband is working today. He works occasional Saturdays. I work every Saturday night (yet another reason I can't wait to get out of food services) but we usually have the day to spend together. I think I am going to take my Nook over to B&N and find some good free reading. Sometimes I am disappointed you can only read their e-books for free for only an hour (though I understand why they do that) but other times I am glad because then I won't spend the entire day in the store reading.

I started the day with two spoonfuls of yogurt and a handful of cheerios. I will probably make myself a cup of tea before I leave the house.

I need to be running more. I was doing so well for a while but I haven't been running much since we moved. Our new location doesn't have the sidewalks that our old location did so it's a little more annoying to run. Unfortunately it has kind of been stopping me altogether. Which I am sure is why I haven't lost any weight in so long.

Hello again

So things are settled down a little for now. I was in New England for most of the past week. It was nice to see my family. As some of you readers may know, my mom can be a little difficult but she toned it down a little this past weekend. I think she was too busy with things to be bothered with trying to force-feed me. Because of this, it was much easier to not go overboard. So I didn't gain at all while I was gone. I didn't lose, but I didn't gain.

I finally saw Black Swan while I was traveling. My mom let me borrow it and I watched it on the plane. I was glad it wasn't very scary (I get nightmares easily) it was just a little creepy. There was a lot of sex in the movie though which was awkward because the 45 year old guy in the seat next to me kept watching (rather than reading his book) whenever a sex scene came on. He would then shift in his seat and adjust his pants. Creep.
Just as every one has said though, the girls' bodies in the movie are incredible.



I haven't lost weight in a while now. I'm not quite where I would like to be. I think the hardest part is because I work around food and people are constantly saying "here! Eat this!" and it gets difficult to come up with excuses not to.

You would think just politely declining would be enough. But there is that unspoken rule that you HAVE to eat as much as other people want you too.

There were donuts at work a while ago. When I saw a half-eaten one, I asked whose it was to see if it needed to be thrown away. But all I said was, "whose donut is this?"

The girl who was eating it replied "oh, it's mine, don't worry, I will finish it".
I told her I wasn't worried.

Why? Because it doesn't matter to me how little another girl eats. Donuts are not healthy and if some one doesn't want to finish one or eat one at all, guess what, that's fine.
I'm not about to force any one to eat something for fear they will be thinner than me. If I am worried about that, it's my own business and I have a responsibility to eat less.

I'm going to go do ballet.

I still exist!

But I have been traveling a lot and have had very little time to post or comment. Things should calm down soon though and I will be back.

Best wishes to all of you!

New place

This past weekend we moved across town. The place we lived before was waaay small but we knew that going into it.
In November I am going back to school to get my doctorate and that is why we moved across the country, but we moved here in February because that is when Husband was to start work in this state.
Anyway, the place we initially moved in to was tiny but we were able to get a six month lease for next to nothing and we figured that would give us enough time to find something a little more permanent after getting to know the area.
And we did.

So we just moved in to a townhouse across town. It's in a decent neighborhood and it feels a bit like a house because it is on the corner of a building so we have windows on more than just the "front and back" of the apartment like more complexes have. Also where we lived before was practically a studio apartment where this one has a living room, kitchen, dining room, and outdoor patio on the main floor. The top floor has two bedrooms (one of which we turned into a study), a linen closet and a bathroom and the place even as a basement! Which is great because now Husband has a place to play his drums :)

The other benefit of moving is that it was some serious calorie burn. We had some people helping us but I didn't just hang out and let "the men" move everything. I carried the heaviest shit I could. I even burst blood vessels in the crooks of both of my elbows I was lifting so much heavy stuff. It was like, three straight days of all out sweat fest, followed by a fourth day of vigorous cleaning of the old apartment. Which was great because all I really ever do is cardio because I don't have a gym membership. And I like to do a little strength stuff because having a little more muscle increases metabolism by a lot.

Also I have been working like a crazy person. We just had three girls quit where I work and we were under-staffed to begin with so I have been working all the time to help out. But miraculously I have today off! So I am going to go make myself a cup of tea and continue to unpack. Later I will go for a run.

More vacationy things

Fed Up, We went on vacation to Cape Hatteras off the coast of North Carolina, and I would highly recommend it! It's not over crowded like Hilton Head Island or the Jersey shore or anything so it is sooo relaxing.

This is a satellite image of the island thing where we were staying. The red box is where out beach house was, and the image below is a zoomed in image of the red box area. If they look as small on your screen as they do on mine, click on them for a better view :)






The red circle is around the house we were staying in. The red arrow is pointing to the boardwalk from the previous post. As you can see, we pretty much had ocean on either side of us.

And here is a link to the beach house we all stayed in. The hot tub was right in the middle of that middle deck in the photo and it looked out over the water (which you can tell if you scroll through the pictures).

http://www.surforsound.com/properties/property/506

And now, I leave you with some photo inspiration :)

Back from Vacation!

Well, I only gained half a pound, the whole ten days I was gone.

Ordinarily, I would consider this some kind of major victory, but there is no reason I couldn't have lost weight while I was there.
But there was an endless supply of food and we were always eating. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert every single day, which I never do.

But we were VERY active. Sunday and Monday not so much because on Saturday Husband and I got very badly sunburned. We didn't want to stay out in the sun ALL day on Saturday because we had no base tan whatsoever and it was scorching hot out. But long story short, we were pretty much stuck on the beach all day waiting to get into the beach house that we all rented for the vacation. No real shade or shelter around.

So a week later, we are both still recovering from the sunburn.

But we made the most of the trip. We went to the beach every day. The house we were in was right on the beach so we could come and go as we pleased.
We went kayaking, swimming, surfing, running, went in the hot tub, dug for clams, watched the sun set, watched the sun rise, got a couple of six-packs and went out on the beach to watch thunderstorms over the ocean at night. It was awesome. We got up in the morning when we felt like it, and went to bed when we felt like it. It was everything a vacation should be.

Husband's brother brought his truck down. It is an old Toyota 4runner with a removable cap. It was legal to ride around in the back of the truck so a bunch of us were piled into that pretty frequently and we drove around on the beach.

The whole trip was awesome. It was great to see some friends and family who we hadn't seen in a while.

Now, back to the old grind though.
Fortunately, I don't have a lot of damage control to do like I normally do when I go on vacation. I can pretty much pick right up where I left off.

I only ran three times because I did some sprints in the sand and my calves were KILLING me after that. I could barely make it up the stairs the next day.
Here is a picture from one of my runs. I took it with my phone (which takes the crappiest pictures) so it doesn't look that great but the weather was PERFECT.



This was one of the many beautiful sunsets over the sound. The cool part about this island is that it is super narrow (you could pretty much throw a rock from one side to the other) so you can easily watch the sun rise and set over the water depending on which side of the island you are on.



All right, on that note, I am off to catch up on some of your blogs.

Good morning!

I wonder if Daily Mile does take into account the weather? Because I mapped the exact same route (except 5 minutes faster, yay!) but logged it for yesterday when the air had cooled about 20 degrees and it said I had burned 548 calories rather than 650. Which kinda sucks cause I really like to see anything over 600. Hmm.

Thanks for your comments girls!
Jenn, I'll be sure to write about it. I'll consider that to be holding me accountable. Then I will have to do it.

Cierra and Thin or Not, it's a great website. It has so many stats and is well organized to help you track your goals. Also, knowing I have somewhere to log my progress helps motivate me to go out and run.

4 days til vacation!

Daily Mile

I have been running pretty much every day. I really want to improve my running (I was a great runner in high school) so I signed up at dailymile.com. I love it! I can map my route (so I don't have to worry about "runtastic" freezing up my phone) and I can add notes to the run which is nice to keep track of how I run in which shoes and in the high humidity and heat versus the cool of spring or fall.

According to the route I mapped and my time, I burn about 650 calories on my run, which is really nice. It's more than I had anticipated (I always guesstimate low, just in case) but I also wonder if I am burning a little more because it has been so hot and humid lately.
Also it tracks each weeks progress and gives me overall numbers per week which is great.
I am looking forward to running on the beach while we are on vacation. It's on the east coast and I can't think of anything better than running during the sunrise.

I hope you all are having a great day! Let's have a great week together!

Quick and painless

I hate trying on clothes. But dresses aren't so bad because my waist is the only part of my body that isn't disgusting so as long as I don't look at my arms or legs, I'm good.
I found a bridesmaid dress for my friend's wedding coming up next month and I only had to try on a few dresses before I found one that was perfect. AND it was on sale so it was only 50 bucks which was also exciting. I spent about $200 on the dress for the last wedding I was in, so this was a nice treat.

My run yesterday was probably the worst of my life. I always listen to music on my phone when I run. But I was trying out this run keeper type of app and it wouldn't let me listen to Slacker Radio while the run keeper was going. So I went to shut it down and my phone froze! So I pulled the battery to reset it, it then waited about an hour to boot up (because it's a Blackberry; worst phone EVER) and once it "fully" booted, it froze again! So I kept running with no music while I waited for it to boot again. It wasn't until I was about 2.5 miles into my run that it started working again. I listen to a hits station when I run because it's usually upbeat music, but no. Not this time. It was all Boys Like Girls and Mariah Carey. Ugh.
Then, since I had a mack daddy of a blister on one of my toes, I wore my Nike's (rather than my Vibram's) running and once I FINALLY decided to just deal with whatever music came on I started getting the sharpest pain in my right knee and left shin. CURSES.

By that point I had had enough. I turned around and sprinted home through the pain just to get my run over with. I was done with that nonsense.

So tumblr.

It's funny, Gianna, that you would mention the not dark and depressing look of my blog. I was about to post about how I just started a tumblr account and I love it because there seem to be a lot more diet blogs on there with a positive outlook. I know personally that's why I keep the bright colors on my blog and my tumblr because I find I have the best weight loss and am the most active when I am happy (and not the other way around). That's actually why there are fewer and fewer blogs that I have been reading because they tend to start off positive and then slowly become depressing.
Don't get me wrong, I have my negative posts and I have times that I rant and complain. It's nice to have a place to let that out. And a few depressing blog posts won't make me stop reading a blog altogether. But I try to also keep a positive outlook because I know if I don't, I won't get anywhere, I will just make myself miserable.

If any one else has a tumblr, please feel free to share! Even if it's not "upbeat", I still find there are nice pictures and quotes and things even on the less positive blogs.

Mine is:

http://stillworking.tumblr.com

Do something today that you LOVE! :)

All I do is win

In preparation for our week at the beach that is coming up in a week from today, I have been pushing myself even harder.
My run yesterday was comfortable but my run the day before, I clearly pushed myself too far. Near the end of my run my stomach started hurting but I really wanted to run the entire length of a particular hill. Well, I did. Also, there was a stop light at a busy intersection at the top of the hill. So I stopped to wait for the light to change so I could cross. And I vomited. Probably 20 people saw. As soon as I was done puking, the light changed and I continued running 'til I got home.
So classy.
My hard work hasn't paid off on the scale yet though. I'm hoping for even a small loss, but really I just don't want to be flabby. One of our old friends from where we used to live is going with all of us and he is a fitness fanatic! He used to be a gymnast but now he just works out all the time. With the ripped body and gorgeous face he should be an asshole, right? Nope. He's one of the nicest most positive people I have ever met. And he's smart. Which got me thinking about this picture I stole from this lovely girl's tumblr.



Because let's be honest, 99% of the population just can't be all three. God knows I haven't found the right balance.

But anyway. As a bit of motivation, I was looking through old pictures of myself from before I started college when I was SUPER thin. My husband saw what I was looking at and I explained how I wish I hadn't gained so much weight.
He responded by explaining to me how when he first met me (around the start of college) he wasn't attracted to me because I looked too tomboyish. Which I knew, because he has told me that before. But he said once I gained a few pounds I got a little "fuller" and sexier and I look much prettier now and he doesn't want me to be that thin again.
I told him I probably just look more feminine because my hair is longer and I dress more femininely.
He claims it's because now I have boobs and a butt.

I know he means well, and I shouldn't feel so down about it. My BMI is in the "normal" range, I have some muscle and I am in good physical condition. But when he says the word "fuller", the only thing that comes to my mind is pre-hollywood-influence America Ferrera.



I'm never eating again.

Good enough

So I slept in a little yesterday but was still able to get in a very short jog around the "block" where I live. It's not really like a city block it's just some roads that connect to make kind of a square-ish route. It was just under 2 miles so at least it was something.
When I got out of work I went for another short run up to a park near my place which was another 3 miles so almost 5 miles total. Which isn't great, but it's something. Then last night I started to do some yoga, but I wasn't really feeling it so I wound up putting on some music and dancing around my apartment like a fool. Haha. it was ridiculous but it's what I felt like doing and I worked up a sweat doing it so it was good!

Today I am getting my hair cut (it is LONG overdue, it looks AWFUL) which I needed to make a priority because we are going on vacation in less than two weeks and it really needs to be done before then. Especially because we are going to the beach and when I am at the beach I never do anything with my hair so it needs to be cut well.

Speaking of the beach, I also need a new swimsuit. I have three of them, two of which are ancient and all worn out, the third I bought last summer when I had lost a bunch of weight, but guess what! I am waaayyyy fatter now and it looks disgusting on me.
Also, my husband's cousins will be on vacation with us (it's kind of a family thing, but his family is AWESOME so it will be fun) and his cousin's whole family are quite possibly the thinnest people I have ever met. So I really need to find a good flattering suit because even if I drop a few more pounds before the trip I will not look nearly as good as any of them.
And we all know people will be taking pictures the whole time :-/

MOTIVATION

And thanks girls for your comments.
Fed Up, I bought a very small candy bar (about 100 cals) and put it in the back of my cupboard last night. Hopefully I won't feel a need to eat it, but it will be there as back-up for when I really want something sweet. That way I don't keep wasting time trying to satisfy what I really want.

And Gianna, it's always nice to see you posting again! I have missed reading your blog, but I understand that life gets busy and it's hard to get to it or when just nothing of interest happens that is worth posting. I hope you are doing well though and good luck with your competition!

Sleeeeep

Husband is gone for the week and it is so hard to sleep without him next to me. *sigh* :(

So I have been up looking up blogs. I need to find some new ones to follow. People tend to phase in and out of these blogs and a lot of the ones I used to follow haven't posted in years. (Yeah, I've had this blog that long, but a couple of times now I have gone back and deleted everything. Or I have been that person who stops posting for a long time.)

Tonight I wanted soooo badly to go get Dairy Queen. But I resisted. I kept opening things up to eat them and then putting them away. The problem was that I wanted something sweet and we don't have anything sweet in this place. The closest I came was making oatmeal and adding some vanilla syrup (that I put in my iced coffee) and some unsweetened cocoa powder. It was disgusting. So I threw it out. Just as well.

Today was very busy so I didn't get much of a workout in, but planning to wake extra early to work out tomorrow morning and then go for a run when I get out of work. Then maybe some yoga before bed? We shall see.

I'm shallow

So last night was kind of a bust. We only really caught the tail end of the happenings (it was an outdoor event) and it was balls hot out so we were only at the thing for less than an hour. Just long enough to be DRENCHED in sweat.

Upon our arrival we were both offered cups of beer, but it was Mich Ultra which tastes like piss water so we declined. We are beer snobs. Every one else was sufficiently pumped full of alcohol (the beer was FREE) so we eventually each choked down a cup. It was, after all, free beer. Even though we missed most of the actual event, we would've stayed longer but the only people who were there were people we don't like to hang around. The real A-holes that husband works with. Once tolerably handsome Australian guy left we headed out too.

The only reason I really wanted to stay was that in the approximately 40 minutes we spent there I was called beautiful by two of his co-workers and hit on by a third. And being the shallow prick that I am, liked the attention.
It probably doesn't even count because they were all pretty drunk, but I'll take what I can get. The fact that there were three other women there and I was the one they were focusing on, well, I was soaking it in.

I hope you all are doing well! And thanks Fed Up, I guess I made the most of it. Even if I am a shallow ass-hat.

Sincerely,
Shallow Ass-hat.

Staying healthy

Husband is going out of town next week for work. I will miss him. But I am trying to stay well because I plan on going on an exercise bender while he's gone. I wanted to last time he went away back in May but I was pretty much on my deathbed so I didn't leave the couch the whole time he was gone. I didn't even go to work. And I always go to work.

So for next week while he's gone I have two things I wish to accomplish:

1) Two extended workouts every day he is gone
2) Pick up extra shifts at work

It will also be nice sleeping in! I don't have to work until 10am usually but I am up at 6 every day with him. I could get up and workout before work, but I usually have more energy for it in the afternoon (for a better workout) so I will probably let my body rest in the morning, workout as soon as I get out of work and then again later at night. I'm on my feet all day at work anyway so I don't particularly like running or anything before hand because then I am too exhausted at work.

But I can't let myself get sick! I won't spend another week on the couch.

I'm not looking forward to tonight. We have to go to some thing that Husband's work is sponsoring. We have pretty much skipped out on every work function this year and some one else signed us up for this one so we kind of have to go.
It's times like this I wish I was a trophy wife.
Don't get me wrong, I'm young, blond and athletic and am constantly complimented on my smile so I guess I'm not an embarrassment to him or anything, but I don't feel like I am anything worth showing off. I think because I always feel too fat. I think in large part because of the numbers on the scale. I'm tall, so when I compare my weight to others around me I feel like I must look like a giant. A whale. A narwhal, if you will: big and awkward.

Also, I won't be able to go for a run today. We are meeting with some one about a townhouse tonight right after work and then going to the work function. My plan was to run this morning but we are currently experiencing a severe thunderstorm and I don't have a gym membership.

I miss my gym membership. Where we used to live there was a Planet Fitness which was great because it was only $10 per month and I only really use it when the weather is crappy or too cold (I actually love the cold weather but my asthma kicks in when I run in anything below about 45 degrees). I just can't justify spending $50 a month on something I hardly use. I want another cheap gym :(

Oh, hello

I've had a few new followers recently, so WELCOME!

Husband and I have been going out to eat too much lately. Saturday night was fun though. We were going to go to the movies, but we decided a matinee on Sunday would be less expensive (which it was, a lot!) so we went out to a pub in Illinois instead. It was fun, it felt like dating, but without the awkward date stuff. We sat at the bar, opened a tab and had a couple of drinks. Then we split some wings, then had more drinks. We talked and flirted and laughed a lot. It was a fun way to spend the evening.

On Sunday we went to see Horrible Bosses. It was hilarious! I laughed so hard throughout it.

So I think I'm going to focus on these things today because I am smiling just thinking about them. Instead of the fact that it is 10:30am and I have already consumed 820 calories. I'll sweat it out at work.

Judgement day

Have any of you seen this? Battle of the Bods? It is painful to watch. I don't know why I keep watching it, it makes me cringe. It's everything I am against.

If you haven't seen it, 5 women are being judged by three men. They have to put themselves/each other in order from 1 to 5 based on their face, specific body part, and over all looks, in the order they think the men would find them attractive. The men then put them in order of attractiveness and the women get money for each one they get right.

The first episode is the best though, because the one girl keeps going on and on about how she should be in first or second place for pretty much everything, and she does well in the first two rounds. Then in "the whole package" round, she is put last and she gets SO upset.

All along during the show, the host (who is a woman) has rude remarks to make about the girls.

I'm always talking about how women need to stop pitting themselves against each other and comparing their own faces/bodies to every one else. But there is a prize winning game show based on just that.



And this is the girl who got all upset, shortly after saying how she was so much prettier than every one else.

The weekend

I got back in to town just after midnight Monday night.

The weekend went pretty well considering I was with my mother the whole time. I got in late Friday night and Saturday morning the first thing my she did when I woke up was shove some donuts in my face. Here! Have some!

I took one, nibbled on it a little, then gave it to my niece while I took a shower and got ready for the wedding.

The wedding went well. I did my best to enjoy the reception even though I happened to be surrounded by a bunch of people from my childhood who never liked me. I can't explain why. No events occurred that would make them not like me, but even since pre-school this group of kids has not liked me.

But after the food consumption (and a lot of gin consumption) my ex-boyfriend's band played at the reception and every one was up from their seats and dancing. It was SOOOO hot out and I was sweating something fierce, but so was every one. I don't think I looked too bad. Looking back at some people's pictures, the only thing that really sucks is my arms are sooo huge. I hate them.

The dress I wore was a 6, but I found it was quite loose on me. Which is a good sign, because it was the one I wore back in May to my husband's cousin's rehearsal dinner and it was maybe a little snug on my then. When I wore it this past weekend I definitely could have gone with a dress at LEAST one size smaller. Probably could have even squeezed into it 2 sizes smaller.

Anyway, then on Sunday my mom had a cookout. My mom made sangria (she makes the best sangria) and so I spent the day drinking sangria and margaritas and enjoying the company of my friends. I went for a very long walk in the scorching heat with my friend in the morning, and went swimming three times throughout the afternoon/evening as I was sober enough to do so.

I came home a pound heavier, but I think a lot of that is travel bloat. My wedding band is quite tight on my finger which is a good indication I am just bloated. It should go down hopefully by tomorrow.

Another new goal? Well, two of them actually.
Next month I am going with my husband and his family on vacation to the Outer Banks. I am excited for it. But it will be a week of being on the beach which means I need to tone up PRONTO. Then in September is my best friend's wedding, which I am in and I am currently the fattest bridesmaid (which doesn't say much, all of her friends are TINY).

But I have some work to do.

Oh Happiness

I usually work day shifts but one of the evening shift girls asked me to switch with her today, so I have the morning off. I don't go in to work until 4pm. But since I am up every day at 6am with my husband, I figured I have lots of time to be productive. I was tempted to go back to bed after he left for work, but I resisted. So after consuming a piece of cheese and a glass of water, I set to business. I collected up all of our empty beer and wine bottles and took them to the bottle redemption center. I used to the money from them to get myself an iced coffee. I then went grocery shopping and then made a return at the mall. I came home, and started cold brewing some coffee for iced coffee (if you are looking to make your own, I highly recommend this page). After accomplishing these things, I was thinking to myself Man, I probably missed the hottest part of the day and all the sun (it's supposed to get cloudy this afternoon) and will have to be getting ready for work soon. I looked up at the clock... 10:30 am! Most excellent! I love having a productive morning. It is way earlier than I thought. So I am going to go for a run, do up the dishes, clean the bathroom, finish the laundry and then go to work. No boredom eating for me today!

Also, I was at the grocery store yesterday and I saw this energy drink. I am not typically a big fan of energy drinks. They are usually loaded with sugar, taste awful and give me heartburn. But I saw this, and it is flavored with Bing Cherry juice (and of course, other flavors). I love bing cherries and I had been looking for something to keep me awake this weekend when I drive the three hours to the airport at 4am. The price was 3 twelve ounce cans for 5 bucks so the price wasn't bad either. And I must say, they are the tastiest energy drink I have ever had. They are only 40 calories while at the same time not loaded with artificial sweetener. They do have sucralose, but it's not overpowering. And to top it all off, no heartburn! I tend to keep my energy drink consumption to a minimum, but I am quite sure I will purchase these again!

Reason not to eat this week

It just occurred to me that my ex-boyfriend will be at the wedding next weekend. We're still good friends (even my husband likes him, and probably talks to him more than I do) and besides, I am the one who broke up with him; but there is still that desire to look great. Even though I am not a skinny as I was when we were together (I was at my lowest weight back then), I do think I am prettier than I was when we were together. My eyebrows are less bushy, my skin is less dry and uneven, my hair is twice as long, golden blond and lightened from the summer sun, and I dress more femininely (I used to be quite the tomboy). And while I know I won't get down to a weight that is near what it was when I was dating him (I was actually underweight back then, according to my BMI), I at least don't want to look like a whale. So this week, no sodium, no carbs, only water to drink, lots of exercise, get some sun.

Wedding Weekend

One of my very best friends is getting married next weekend so I will be flying up to New England for that. I am excited for his wedding. Not excited to be staying with my parents. My dad is a saint and there is not a cruel or selfish bone in his body. I have nothing negative to say about him, ever. My mom however... Is difficult to say the least. She will spend 86% of the time complaining about everything in her life while somehow finding a way to glorify herself through her complaints, 6% of the time talking about my body and how "great" and "fabulous" I look, which she always says whenever I have gained weight. She thinks that she can reverse my sister's and my obsessive eating habits by telling us we look good when we gain weight and be "concerned" whenever we lose weight. Even though her concern is dripping with jealous disdain because she hates that we're skinnier than her.
The remaining 8% of the time she will spend force feeding me large meals followed by cookies.

www.winningateverything.com

The Patridge Family

I have a month long trial subscription to Hulu. I watched the show Audrina. I was never a fan of Laguna Beach or the Hills or the City but I like Audrina. I think mostly because a) she is stunning and b) her mother is EXACTLY like mine. Seriously. Watch the show. I can't even describe it.




And this video is a perfect example of everything that is wrong with this world. They are debating if Audrina looks "good" or "too skinny". Because if she wasn't "too skinny" we wouldn't think she looks good at all. And then wonder why all the celebs are starving themselves. They always need to lose weight or "eat a cheeseburger". It's ridiculous. Do people listen to themselves?

Get drrraaaank!

This weekend, husband and I have been celebrating the 4th by visiting local breweries and getting a sampler of their beers.

1,700+ small US breweries account for just 5% of the beer enjoyed in the States while providing 50% of the brewery jobs.

Remember, Bud, Coors and Miller are not American owned companies (in fact Miller is owned by UK, so that would be a little ironic). This 4th of July, celebrate American, drink local brews.


PEACE

Girls are full of sabotage

One thing that sucks about working in a cafe is that there is so much junk food around. If I bring my own lunch, I am quite good at resisting junk. But the girls I work with are always making french fries and stuff, which I neither enjoy nor should be consuming. And as much as I protest, they always dump a plate of them in front of me and won't get off my back about it until I eat a couple of them. Even though my reasons for not eating them are legitimate: They make me tired, too many refined carbs make my allergies worsen (drastically) and I'm just not in the mood. But they don't take no for an answer. So I had seven french fries with my salmon burgers today. Which sucks. They didn't even taste good.

But when I got home, I went for a 2 mile run and then made dinner (burgers sans buns and asparagus) and then we went for a ten mile bike ride.

Fed Up: I wish I liked bud light and other light beers. I have tried them because I am all for lower calorie, but I just can't bring myself to enjoy them. Also, I did indeed get some nooky! It made my weekend. I needed it. :)

Samzi and Skinny_Legs: Thanks for your comments. I had a good weekend :)

I have been wanting a sandwich lately. That's probably the only thing about a "Low-carb lifestyle" that I truly miss. Well, that and cereal. I might just break down and have a sandwich. Maybe this weekend. I don't have anything in my house to make one. Hmmm.

Sex and alcohol

I have been doing well not eating carbs. I find I have some trouble sticking to things day-to-day. I set "rewards" for myself for when I reach a goal weight, but have found that if I have a reward at the end of each night that I do well, I stick to my plans more long term. And I realized that since I have a 20g carb limit on each day, if I stay under 8 at night I can have a beer at night! So that is my reward for a low/no carb day. In fact, today I had a total of 6g of carbs all day so I am going to splurge and have TWO BEERS tonight. Tonight's drink of choice: Blue Moon: Honey Wheat with a slice of orange.

Since I am a) a lightweight and b) mostly empty, I anticipate getting a bit tipsy off of the two beers (go ahead, point and laugh). At which point I fully intend to take advantage of my husband. I have been so HORNY lately! It's nuts! Last night I was lying awake in bed, craving sex. My husband was sound asleep (because he's out before his head even hits the pillow) and I tried to wake him up with the offer of some nooky (does any one say that? Ever?) but he turned me down. He loves nothing more than sleep. Don't believe anything Cosmo tells you.

But he is awake right now. So... that's what I'll be doing.

Thanks!

To you guys who signed up for that stylemint thing. I really really appreciate it.

This morning I found out that my favorite Iced Coffee that I had been avoiding for fear of calorie consumption has less than half the number of calories I thought it would! I assumed that a large would be well over 500 calories, (in large part because Starbucks likes to have famous skinny people toting around their beverages and then pack the calories into everything they have until everything they make tastes like a sugar cube dipped in lard and covered in caramel, which can be "substituted" for a mouth full of artificial sweetener and skim milk to make your coffee then taste like cement) but alas! A 24 oz beverage of smile inducing happiness is indeed only 230 calories. Which, for a large iced coffee with that much FLAVOR this day and age is totally acceptable. I can handle that. Yay for Dunn Bros. coffee!!!!!

In other news, my husband and I have two wonderfully crappy bikes now! I used to have a super deluxe awesome mountain bike, but it got stolen when I lived in the ghetto a couple of years ago so I have been without one for a while. But his brother managed to snag us a couple of bikes from a friend of his that fixes them up and we have been out bike riding! See, we live in the most boring part of the world right now and have been spending too much time being stagnant at night because we cant' find anything to do. Now we will be riding bikes every night! So excited! When I think back to the point in my life when I was the skinniest, it was when I was biking all the time. Because I enjoy it and am good at it so I can do it for hours and not feel bored or exhausted. I love it! In fact, my most drastic weight gain has occurred since losing my last bike. This ought to put an end to all of this gaining-and-losing the same 25 pounds yo-yo nonsense.

Do me a favor?

So, MK&A Olsen are coming out with a T-shirt line on StyleMint.com.

For every one that clicks this link and enters their email I get points toward stuff from their site. Would you mind taking a sec and entering yours? It would make my life.

Thanks :) (Link Below!)

http://launch.stylemint.com/w2qw5

Or, click here

The worst

Or let's call it bittersweet. My husband's brother and one of my best friends from PA came out to visit us this weekend. It was awesome seeing them. We drank a lot, smoked the hookah, went out to eat and saw an air show featuring the Blue Angels. It was so fun. But I also gave myself permission to eat this weekend. Wrong move.
I gained 7 pounds in 3 days....
How is that even possible?! I feel absolutely disgusting. There is no way I am eating anything today. Green tea and some cranberry juice. That's it. Then back to my low-carbing.

On the plus side, my brother-in-law brought out two bicycles for us. This is awesome because I love love LOVE being active and getting exercise but my husband tends to be fairly stagnant but he loves biking, so now we have something active we can do together! Excited about that.

Now, time to catch up on all of your blogs.

New favorite video

This video has it all. My two idols: Tracy Anderson and Nicole Richie; Dancing; upbeat music; extra skinnies at the end (The one girl Stacey looks AMAZING)

I also love shortly after the 3 min mark when Nicole says "Yeah, I love this workout, I can eat whatever I want." Haha. She's also a comedian.

A conversation

Since I work all day and that means lunch with co-workers, I explained that I was doing this low-carb thing because my husband is and I want to support him (which is technically why I started it again). This was a conversation that took place last week.

Co-worker: So all you're eating is chicken?
Me: Yeah, cause I can eat as much of it as I want. It doesn't have any carbs.
Co-worker: How do you know it doesn't have any carbs?
Me: Because it's just chicken. All lean meat.
Co-worker: But what if that chicken ate a lot of carbs?
Me: *incredulous pause*... It doesn't really work that way... You just eat the muscles, which are all protein.
Co-worker: Ew! You eat the muscles?!
Me: *more incredulous pause*.... Yes... That's what meat is. What did you think it was?
Co-Worker: I don't know. Just meat.

How is it possible for a woman who is almost 30 and has two kids to know so little about what she is eating?

Have you heard of this?

My husband has decided he wants to shave his beard into a monkey tail beard. Apparently this is the new thing to do. . . And I thought mustaches were bad. Haven't heard of this facial hair? Well... Here it is.



The only saving grace is knowing he would most likely be too embarrassed to actually go out into public looking like that.

My gift to you

Here is a little nugget of happiness for you.
Wife Swap is hands down, my favorite daytime television show. And I just found my favorite episode on YouTube. Notice how the fitness guru family isn't one of the horrible scary families you usually see on the show (if I am not the only person under the age of 40 who watches it). They just need a little work. And after the show ends, they start working on the areas they need to.

So my advice: Exercise six hours a day like this family and you can potentially stave off dysfunction.

Here ya go:

Welcome

To my two new followers: Welcome! Hope you enjoy the reading :)

Today I am feeling kind of frustrated because my weight has stayed the same for the past two days. Which ordinarily wouldn't really bother me, but I have been sticking to my diet as well as I did last month and I am not losing. Argh. This morning was probably the biggest let down. I tend to gain about 3 pounds between waking up in the morning and going to bed at night, but then I lose them overnight. Well, last night I was only half a pound heavier than I was first thing in the morning so I was expecting to be down at LEAST a pound this morning, but no. Same as yesterday and the day before.

Exercise has been tough too because my allergies tend to affect my chest and breathing so intensely that I can't do much cardio. Maybe that is why I am not losing.

Oh well, off to a meeting at work. I hope we are allowed to clock in for this meeting. I don't want to go in on my one day off and not get paid.

Everybody take care!

Again, again

Again, more apologies for the infrequent posting. I have been very busy.
The Low-Carb thing I have been back on is going well. I've been losing well for the last few days which is always nice! It has been pretty easy to do too, because I have been working until 4 or 5 every day and then from 6-8 my husband and I have been volunteering at this kids activity park thing not far from here. By the time we are done with that I am ready to get home, shower and get ready for bed so I haven't really had time to be tempted by carbs! Next week will be more difficult though. I will have my evenings off, but if the weather is as nice as it has been I'm sure we will be out playing frisbee and stuff in the evenings so it's all good.

I know this is a boring post, I haven't had anything interesting to send your way but I just wanted to update you and let you all know I'm still here.

Take care!

Hot hot heat

It's been in the 90's lately, which of course means I have been running more. I don't know why I like to run in the heat. I quite hate the heat in any other circumstance. And I know that once it gets too hot it can be dangerous to run. But I am careful. There is just something about the feeling of intense heat bearing down on you while you try to push through it that is intense and exciting. And then getting home and collapsing in exhaustion in front of a large fan with a glass of water. It just feels awesome.

Husband has decided he wants to Low-Carb diet again. He says he wants to the entire month of June. I said I would do it with him too to support him. Which is actually true because I don't want to do it, even though I know it's effective. Why? Because it's hot and I like my iced coffee sweet. I'm not sure why. I like hot coffee unsweetened, just cream or half & half. But not iced coffee. So I will be going without.

Daily dose

Good morning every one! How is every one feeling? Me? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I had a nasty chest cold about two weeks ago but I still have so much mucus going on that whenever I am lying down I can hardly breathe because it is so tight. My constant coughing I'm sure is a serious turn-on.

In other news, I wish I liked soda and that I still lived near a Hannaford. I would drink this every day.

Memorial Day Weekend

Welcome new followers! Sorry you picked this point in time to start following me. I haven't been posting much because all I have really been doing is working a lot and don't have much interesting to say.

But yesterday was nice. Husband took me to a microbrewery in this really cool little town in the afternoon and then we had dinner in a city about an hour from here. It was nice.

The only downside was the heat. I wore a dress because it was almost a hundred degrees out. But I hate the way my legs look in dresses, so that made it less enjoyable. Can it just be snowing again? I need my jeans and sweatshirts. I hate my extremities so much. My stomach is pretty flat but years of dancing and mountain biking have given way to extra large calf muscles and they really need to be kept hidden. If they are covered I can trick the world into thinking I'm not fat.

Sort of explanation. Sort of.

A couple of you had similar comments on my last post and I started to respond in there, but I figured I would just post a new blog entry. I would first like to say that I am not offended by our comments, a) because every one is entitled to speak their mind and b) because you are absolutely right.

The fact that I haven't been entirely honest with my husband about my food issues bothers me occasionally, but there are a lot of reasons behind it too. There is no denying my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past and he has noticed. And I have told him that I "used to" have issues with eating, and that I occasionally still do, but that I am a lot better about it; which is true in large part because they used to be a lot worse. My family is riddled with eating disorders from my great aunts and grandmother on my dad's side, to my mother and my sister and he knows about these. And when I lived near them, my issues were far worse. Since moving far away from them six or seven years ago, I have allowed my behavior to settle down a little. I restrict less, I don't purge anymore and I haven't even passed out since the day I moved away. I am hoping that at some point I will start to feel genuinely healthy again.

Why then do I have this blog? Doesn't that just instigate the behavior? Surprisingly, no. I started this blog as an outlet, in large part because I don't like to talk to people about my food issues, particularly not my husband. I originally started this blog before I even met my husband, and have since deleted it and re-started it a couple of times, but I talk to people on here because you understand. And for some reason when I am talking about my thoughts on food and my behavior, I realize how ridiculous I feel (note, I am not calling you ridiculous. I am just stating the way I personally feel) and I tend to act more normal. Every time I have deleted my blog, my behavior in real life just gets worse. It's almost like having a therapist.

The reason I don't talk to my husband about it is that for all of his wonderful, amazing qualities, empathy is not one. He is a "fix it" kind of guy and very in control of his life. His whole family is like that. They aren't jerks by any means, but if something is wrong, you just fix it. If you are sad, be sad for a little bit and then just be happy again. Don't have a job? Get one. When my husband decided to stop smoking pot, he just did. When he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went on a diet and lost 30 pounds in a few weeks. It's just how he is. It's the reason no appliance in our house is ever broken for more than 10 minutes, but it's also the reason I don't talk to him about my food issues. Because I can't seem to just "fix it" so there isn't much point in talking about it.

But his attitude is also one of the things that helps me through it. Knowing how he handles things motivates me to try and do that same. I don't get as emotional over things as I used to, which is actually helping me get through my issues with food. I deal with things as they come to the extent that I can, and when I have done everything I can do, I let it go. It's amazing how much of my life has changed since experiencing my husband's "fix it" attitude. It's what gives me hope that I may, in fact, be able to gain control of my weight related behavior.

So while it is technically a bit of a lie by omission, I have told him much of my past issues, I just don't divulge every thought I have on a daily basis because I don't need to.

I do appreciate your comments though. I am glad you feel like you can be honest with me and I hope you continue to in the future.

Here is some news for you

I have become so obsessed with my weight, I don't even have to step on the scale. Seriously.
And because I like to prove myself right to any one and every one, I have decided to demonstrate it to my husband. Each morning when I get up, I pee and then tell my husband how much I weigh before I step on the scale. Right down to the half pound (which is as accurate as my digital scale scale is). EVERY. Single. morning... I am dead on. Exactly right. There is no eager anticipation waiting for the number to show up. I can feel it. I can feel every pound I gain and lose and I know numerically what it is. My husband can't believe it. He doesn't know about my food issues, I hide them well. But he is amazed how morning after morning I know exactly what those four digits are going to be before I even step on. Gained four pounds of water weight? Guessed it. Lost three point five pounds yesterday because all I had was water? Right on. EVERY. Single. morning.

Five years of college and a hundred thousand dollars down the drain and I finally have a skill I can use.

Lack of posting

Sorry I haven't been posting much. I haven't really had anything of interest to say. I gained a few pounds, but I lost them, so what else is new.

I just would rather not post at all than bore you with posts about nothing.

I promise, once something of interest happens I will be posting.

Rapture

Sicky

I have been sick the past couple of days. I had a fever yesterday and today so I stayed home from work. I always feel bad doing that because I know how much it sucks to go in to work when you aren't scheduled.
I am feeling a bit better tonight though, so hopefully I will be better enough by tomorrow that I will be able to go in.

In the meantime, I have spent all day on the couch drinking echinacea tea and watching 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Supersize vs. Superskinny.

On the plus side, I can't smell a thing so nothing tastes like anything so all I have eaten is some pineapple, some cucumber and a few bites of cereal.

Absentee

Sorry I have been so absent. Work has been taking up all of my time during the day, then at night I am Holly Housewife so I haven't been on here. Although many of the people who follow this blog have been deciding to go healthier lifestyles (which is cool and I fully encourage) so probably haven't had many readers on here anyway.

Anyway, things have been going a little better with that girl at work but only when the boss is around (which he usually is) so that's good. She's very insecure though and I think I made her stop eating lunch. She had previously compared her body to a very fat, butch woman who had come in to the cafe and asked her friend if she was as fat as her. Not wanting to upset her, her friend was all "No way, you are definitely not that big!" which was not true, she is much bigger than the girl who came in. It's her own damn fault though. We both open the cafe together in the morning and she walks in with a can of Mt. Dew and as soon as she finishes it, fills up a large cup with coke and drinks it down, and continues to refill it during the day.

She used to eat big wraps with a side of pita bread for lunch too. But I don't usually eat lunch there (I have twice to try to not look suspicious, although people tend to give me hard time about it anyway, and the fact that I don't drink soda. I swear, people need to stop feeling guilty and either lay off the junk or just leave me alone about it). But anyway, she recently has been leaving work without eating lunch. And her co-workers are all weirded out. They're like "What? Why aren't you eating lunch? You always eat lunch".

She just ignores them, and walks out of work all pissed off.

In other news...I feel like I am getting sick. My husband has been sick all week and I have been fighting it off. I have had a little bit of a scratchy throat and have been getting kind of mucus-y. Gross. But that makes it hard to do a low-carb diet because I always want to eat fruit and raw honey and stuff when I am getting sick because I HATE being sick. It's the worst.

Oh well. Off to start my day.

Back home

We are back from California!
It was such a great trip. The weather was warm and dry. I even got a sunburn! That's probably the most sun I will see for a while because I feel like the sun is never out here.

Anyway, our flights were good. We had a layover in Las Vegas on the way out and that was delayed about an hour because of mechanical problems. We ended up having to get on another plane to get to San Diego. But we were there before noon so it wasn't too bad.

We were exhausted though. We got up at 3am (central time, that's 1am pacific) to get our plane and we were up until about 11pm because we went to the rehearsal dinner.

The dinner was really nice. Hors d'oevres were passed around and I made sure to circulate through the room so that when they were offered I could decline by saying I was full from the other hors d'oevres I had eaten. (Fact: all I had was one slice of cucumber with Ahi Tuna Sushi on top... It was delicious).

Also, there was an open bar. Which meant free Gin and Tonic for me! And I have to say, the bartender made excellent G&T. Perfect proportions.

Then, dinner rolled around. There was no getting out of eating all together, but I did pick at things until the waiter asked if I they could take my plate. The salad was really good. It was a spring mix with craisins, pecans, bleu cheese crumbles and apple pieces with a raspberry vinaigrette. I did eat that whole thing.
For my dinner I had a little steak with asparagus and two bites of mashed potato. Dessert was creme brulee (which my husband ate most of).

But I can't pretend I didn't consume many calories. The G&T I'm sure had HFCS because most tonic water contains it. Also, I decided to have a glass of cabernet with dinner... And they kept re-filling it! It was a bottomless glass of wine!

It's safe to say by the end of dinner, I was sufficiently wasted. The problem was, trying to make it look like I wasn't that drunk. My husband almost never drinks and his immediate family doesn't drink at all. So I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of them.
But also, his grandfather was there with his wife as well as my husbands great aunt and uncle and they were all drinking. They are all REALLY funny too. I love them. At one point, I was trying to have a conversation with his great aunt and she was having some trouble getting her words out. She was like "Tell ya what... Why don't we have this conversation again sometime when we are sober." Haha!

Saturday was the wedding. It was beautiful. It was outside at this old mission and the sun was out but there was a cool breeze.

I tried not to spend too much time comparing myself to the people around me. I usually feel pretty good about myself because I live in a very obese area, but being in SoCal was a little intimidating. I frequently felt like a whale next to the stick thin figures of the west coast. All tan and blond. But I wasn't the fattest person there so there is a little solace in that.

But what bothered me the most was how intimidated I am by the bride. She is very small (short and thin) with big eyes and pretty brown hair (I have always wanted brown hair. My is dirty blond and it just looks like dirt).
But not only that, she started college when she was 17 and is now going to medical school.

Now granted, I started taking college classes at the age of 15, graduated high school at 16 and began college full-time at 17, and will be attending the top Chiropractic school in the world later this year. I have nothing to be ashamed of. But I have always been known as "the smart one" wherever I am. And she gets so much attention for being smart and pretty and it kills me. I never thought it would. I always thought that if people didn't think of me as the smartest person in the room, I would be okay with it.
Sometimes I wish I was going to medical school. Every one thought I would be an MD with my intelligence and passion for health. But the fact is, I don't like the direction medicine is heading and I know I wouldn't enjoy it. So I am going to be doing something I am passionate about. That's supposed to be a good thing, right?

On top of that, she wants to work in developing countries after she graduates.
This girl is stealing my thunder! I am supposed to be the smart, pretty, philanthropic one!
It kills me when some one else gets attention for being a good person.
Did I mention is is also funny?

And I can't hate her either. She's really nice. She's friendly and outgoing and honestly, I wish we lived closer because I would like to become better friends with her. But instead I just watch her life from afar as every one admires her.
But I don't have anything against her. I have everything against me. I need to get over it.

I need to get some coffee and go to work.

Thank you!

Thanks for the advice Zane! They were still all gone when I logged on this morning so I tried refreshing and after about the fourth refresh they all appeared again!

So, things have been pretty good. I kind of fell of the Low-Carb thing because I have had a lot going on, but also in my busy-ness I haven't had time to eat a whole lot so I haven't been gaining, just haven't been losing. Which is kind of a bummer because I leave for California whenever Husband gets out of work today. I will be gone until Late Sunday so I probably won't be blogging until Monday.

In the meantime, I will be doing my best to not eat too much on this trip. I bought a new dress and I am excited to wear it, and I don't want to be all bloated and gross when I finally get to.

Also, that one girl at work has been a little nicer to me. She still makes flippant remarks every once in a while but she has toned it down.
Two days ago she was making some food and she turned to me and said "So, is being married, like, the BEST thing you could ever imagine?" (again, you should have heard the tone in her voice).
And knowing where this was coming from I just said "Well, yeah, it has its ups and downs but for the most part I really like it. But I'm fortunate, I have a great husband so I really can't complain".

Now any normal (read: non-jealous, well-adjusted) human being would have said something along the lines of "Oh, cool. Good for you."

But no.

She said "Ha. You'll learn".

What?! I don't even think she has been married. And even if she was for a short period of time, sorry it didn't work out for you but my marriage is pretty great.

Might I also add that she is about half my height and probably twice my weight. That may have something to do with it too.

Anyway, if I don't get on here in the next few days, I love you all and take care!