Well, all right...

So, after that attack of sugar yesterday afternoon, we went to our friend's house for their barbecue in the evening.

I ate: A cheeseburger, some marshmallowy pink jello thing, home made home fries (that were soooooo good), carrots, broccoli and to top it all off, a brownie with frosting and crushed up oreos.

Then when we got home, just to top it all off I had a glass of milk because a) I love milk and have been missing it since starting this diet and b) Even though I have been taking my vitamins, I worry I don't get enough calcium.

Since I hadn't lost any weight yesterday morning I knew for sure I would have a gain this morning.

HOWEVER :)

I was down a pound this morning!

Now, I know excess calories sometimes take a day to pile themselves onto my thighs but if I can stick to my diet today and at least not gain tomorrow, I will be satisfied.

Also, if this doesn't result in a gain, I may consider adding one day per week of controlled sugar intake (read: fruit and milk) to my diet, as maybe that gets my system back to trying to burn sugar but then bring it back to fat burning again.

We will see.

Either way, thanks for the uplifting comments. It's nice to know people are reading and caring.

Give me an inch

And I'll eat everything in the fridge.


My morning started out great! 6am, the alarm goes off, my husband rolls over, puts his hand on my stomach, lifts up and blanket and says "wow, you are skinny".

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was better than sex. If only every morning could start that way.

But I have to go to a cookout tonight. The people that will be there are nice so I'm not loathing the idea, but the thought ended up screwing over my diet.

But, knowing that I would most likely be eating more carbs tonight than I should, I figured I would break my diet a little today and have some fruit. Because I LOVE fruit.

So I ate a kiwi. And let me tell you, as I bit into it and the juices flooded my mouth, my eyes closed. I muttered "holy fuck... this is the best fruit I have ever tasted. I'm ruined"

....*blink**blink*....

What now?

Those words inadvertently came spilling out of my mouth. It took me a second to realize what I just said.

So not stopping there, I started digging into the mandarin oranges that have been staring me down all week.
After several spoonfuls, I felt... satisfied.

I put my spoon away, put the fruit back in the fridge and walked away.

Now, had I stopped there, things would have been good. I would have gone about my day and felt absolutely fine.
But instead, I went over to the cupboard and pulled out my jar of raw unfiltered honey (the YUMMIEST treat everrrr).
One spoonful...
... Two spoonfuls...
Three spoonfuls.

Into my stomach.

Followed by a handful of Teddy Grahams.

Followed my spoonfuls of Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam.

Ugh!

Now I get why they tell you to ease your way back into eating sugar.

My head started feeling dizzy and my eyes couldn't focus. What's happening?!
Then my stomach started to turn. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I went into the bathroom hoping that I would. I was SOOO tempted to purge but a) know I have almost made it to May without doing that and b) understanding how quickly sugar enters the bloodstream anyway I certainly wasn't going to MAKE myself throw up. But if it came up on it's own... Well that would just be perfect.

I leaned over the toilet and waited. Waited.

Waited.

If only I hadn't just cleaned the bathroom. If only my toilet smelled wretched and IT made me throw up.

But nothing.

So now I am sitting here, head still spinning from the rush of sugar and not wanting to put jeans on and go out because I feel so bloated and disgusting.

Today = Failure. Tomorrow will be better.

Ally McBeal is finally on Netflix

I've been searching it for a while but they have only had the dvds for quite some time (I only have the instant watch). Today I was browsing some of the "suggested" shows and it came up! Quite frankly, I can't stand the show. But it's known for its small women so I have been glued to it.

I might just skip to the second season where Portia de Rossi starts. I've been pretty much obsessed with her since reading her autobiography.

In weight news, I'm down another half a pound. I wish it was more, but being honest with myself I've gone over the 20g limit the last couple of days, so the fact that I've lost anything is a small victory.
Also, I haven't really been exercising much so I upped that a little today and hopefully tomorrow I will be down a while pound.

Half & Half

Down another half a pound this morning. Probably would have been a pound had I been exercising, but I don't like to exercise indoors and it had been crappy out forever.


Have a minute? Go check out A's blog and make sure to vote for her here. I'm not a vegetarian but I do support friends :)

Anyway, I am starting to look forward to my trip to Cali in May. It's only for a weekend but I am hoping for some SUNSHINE. I feel like I haven't seen the sun in forever and it would be nice to. Plus, if I can keep up this weight loss, I will hopefully be about 10 pounds lighter by that point. Maybe I'm asking too much and I will plateau or something. But the only thing to do when you hit a plateau: Go off the deep end. Which I inevitably will.

In other news...

Any one seen these SodaStream things?
There are few things I hate more than soda. I drink it sometimes when I need the caffeine to stay awake for something and my stomach refuses coffee.
But it tastes worse than the crap that is in it.



But this new sodastream thing? They advertise it as "healthy" even though it is exactly the same as normal soda. They hype up the "crisp, fresh, carbonated water"... And then just add some of the filth that's in soda!! Caramel color, sucralose, yum! It'll eat your insides before lunch!

Now, if you happen to be a soda drinker, okay, this is a more eco-friendly version, and I'm all for that. Less waste, longer Earth time, we can all agree that's a good thing. But can we stop pretending the piles of garbage we pump into our systems on a daily basis are even the least bit remotely healthy?

More goodness

Down another pound this morning. I am really liking this low-carb thing. I can't eat everything I want, but I can eat as much as I want. And it never turns into a binge because the protein is so filling.

Cierra - The flax is a good idea. I have been putting a little in my eggs after I cook them to add some fiber, but it does have some carbs and seeing how I am only allowing myself up to 20g per day, I have to be careful.

I was afraid I wouldn't have lost anything this morning because I did break the rules and have a bubble tea last night (which has 3x more grams of carbs than I can have in a whole day) but it was yummy and apparently didn't do much damage.

Sorry my posts have been a little boring lately. My life has been a little boring.
I pretty much spend all day looking for work and haven't gotten anything yet, so I have nothing to update.
But I am enjoying reading all of your posts and I promise as soon as something (anything) happens in my life, I will post about it.

Not bad

Thanks ladies for your advice.

I don't normally have a problem with "regularity" because I eat a helping of organic yogurt (with live active cultures) with fresh fruit and ground flax seed every day. But that is far more sugar than I can have on this diet. I think I will still keep it up for a while because I have been steadily losing about a pound per day. This morning I wasn't down any but that is because yesterday was Easter and rather than telling myself I would "stay within my rules" or whatever, I planned ahead to have dessert and know that I wouldn't have lost anything today. So knowing I would be consuming more sugar in one sitting than I am "allowed" in a day right now, I allowed myself to eat as much fruit yesterday as I wanted. That is what I miss most since starting this diet: fruit.

But for now, I will do without. It's only two more weeks and then I will see where I am at.

Satisfied

I feel like I've been eating a lot. I haven't been counting the calories because I know it would be over what I normally "allow" myself. But I have lost 2 pounds in 2 days, so I can't complain.

The only thing I don't like about this is my irregular bowel movements. I didn't poo at all yesterday and it wasn't much today. If there's one thing I like, it's regular bowel movements.

But oh well. Not sure what to do today. I have been running for an hour every day but it's supposed to start thundering here probably in the next hour so maybe just some aerobic stuff in the house. We'll see I guess.

Low Carbing

So, I haven't lost nearly what I need to in order to look acceptable in May. So I am going to go Low-Carb for the next few weeks. Back when my husband and I were first dating, he went on a Low Carb diet (and didn't even work out because he HATES working out) and he lost 30 pounds in just over three weeks. I'm sure I won't lose that much that fast because I don't have as much to lose, but it should be something. If I can just drop 10 pounds in the next two and a half weeks I will be happy. I am going to try to keep it under 20g of Carbs a day and to try to make sure those Carbs are from veggies. Some will be in the form of fruit. Tonight for dinner I am making Hawaiian stuffed chicken breast and there is a little bit of pineapple in those, but hardly any. I will make that and broccoli.

If any one is wondering why I don't post my weight on here it's because I am superstitious. The last two times I started posting my weight (before I re-did this blog at the beginning of this year) the numbers just seem to go up and up, so I no longer post it. I feel a little guilty about it because I like to read others' weights, but I am too afraid that if I start posting mine again I will start gaining again, so I don't.

I have a new show addiction. It's called "Starved" and I have been watching it on YouTube. It's about 4 individuals with eating disorders and it is pretty funny but it also seems to portray pretty well some of the emotional side of eating disorder triggers. I love the counseling group they go to. I feel like that would be more effective if I were ever in a situation where I needed therapy.

I woke up hungry

And that's not good. I started my morning as usual, getting my husband off to work, but afterward I downed a glass of water and went back to bed. I was hungry and all I could think about was eating EVERYTHING in the fridge, and I knew if I took a bite of anything, it would be all over.
I laid there for a while, watched a show on Netflix and tried to distract myself from the hunger.

No such luck.

It didn't go quite as badly as I feared, but I wasted A LOT of food.

I started off by filling a VERY large bowl with romaine lettuce, dumping some feta cheese on top and pouring balsamic vinegar on it.

Had I stopped there, it wouldn't have been a bad day.

But I wanted cereal. So I poured myself a big bowl of Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal and dumped on some milk. But after two large bites, I was disgusted with myself so I dumped it out.
But I couldn't get the hunger thoughts out of my head. Even though my stomach was full from the salad, I still wanted cereal. So I poured a bowl of my husband's Honey Bunches of Oats and again, dumped on the milk.
A couple of bites into this, I again felt disgusted with myself, so I threw this in the trash.

But I couldn't get rid of the craving.

Ordinarily what I would do is go for a walk or a run but it is storming outside and the wind today is vicious, so I was stuck thinking about the food.

So I did the worst thing. I made myself a box of Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese.

LUCKY FOR ME they have reformulated their recipe. And it is wretched. It is not at all what mac 'n' cheese tasted like before they came out with their "new box".

So I managed a few bites of that and then threw the rest out.

I wanted so badly to purge. To keep myself from doing it, I took a multi-vitamin. The last time I purged with one of those in my stomach it didn't come up well and I kind of choked on it, plus, because they aren't cheap I hate to waste them so I knew if it was in there I wouldn't do it.

So... It could have been worse. I could have eaten everything. But I definitely went beyond what I should have, especially since Husband wants fajitas for dinner.

No dice

I didn't get the job. In fact, I was turned down for three different jobs today.

For the past two months, all I have done all day is apply for jobs. I have applied for literally, hundreds of jobs. And I spend all day every day getting turned down.
Because I am a fat fucking loser.

Hope every one's day/night is going better than mine.

Job Interview

This sucks.

I have a job interview today, but from the minute I woke up this morning I have been bloated and have had sharp pains in my stomach. I will spare you the details of my unpleasant bowel movements this morning, but know this: they were unpleasant.

I DON'T want to go to this interview. I feel like crap and have no idea what to say to any one. All they are going to see when they look at me is a fat disgusting slob. I don't fit into any of my nice clothes that I would like to wear and I am afraid that what I have picked out clashes.

Think positive thoughts for me? Bleah.

Muscle Soreness

So, I was just over at Mademoiselle's blog and she raised a good question that I thought I would address. The issue of muscle soreness.

We've all been there. Running on little to no food, working out to empty ourselves of the extra calories. Some days the pain can be so bad it's hard to get out of bed.
I tend to be a chronic over-exerciser but I have found three things that help me get over the soreness of what I put my muscles through.

The first it stretching
Most people tend to underestimate the importance of stretching. After a good workout, your muscles NEED it. Without a good stretch, they will tighten and pull your body every which way causing you pain and preventing you from keeping active (and burning more calories). I tend to spend almost as much time stretching as I do exercising. So give your muscles a little warm up, because stretching cold muscles accomplishes nothing and spend some time every day stretching.
Your sex life will thank you.

The second is protein
Now, I realize protein has calories, however they are certainly going to go a lot further in helping you lose weight than eating white rice (as I see a lot of girls on these blogs are doing). Your muscles need protein to re-build and without it they will just break down and the calories you consume will instead be turned to fat. The advantage is, the more lean muscle you have on your body, the more fat you will burn. If you've gotta have those grains, I recommend quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah), as it cooks up just like rice but is the only whole grain that is also a complete protein. And it's good with everything.
One of the things I do is cook a chicken breast, tear it apart and keep it in my fridge in a glad-lock container. A few times a day I will take it out and have a bite. This keeps food cravings at bay and also gets me my protein. You can also buy canned chicken if it's easier, but I like to season the stuff I cook. It's a little yummier.
Also, steak is a great dinner choice. If you get steak at a restaurant, it tends to be loaded with fat and grease, but if you make your own you can buy lean stuff and just add a little pepper or steak seasoning. Steak is better than chicken when it comes to re-building muscles because it is more nutrient packed (iron is a biggie here) and it is also much yummier. Which leads me into number three.

The third: VITAMINS AND MINERALS
Ladies and gentlemen, get yourself a good multi-vitamin! If you are eating fruits and veggies, it is good to look for colorful stuff like spinach and romaine lettuces, as well as bell peppers and oranges, but because a) by the time food gets from the growers to the store to our homes to our mouths, they are very much depleted of their nutrients and b) let's face it, we aren't eating much anyway, it is important to get a good multi-vitamin. Vitamin C is a primary vitamin when it comes to restoring muscles, but iron, potassium, calcium and magnesium are all important too. I highly recommend Shaklee brand Vita-Lea with Iron. It is LOADED with necessary vitamins and while it is a little pricier than what you might find at Wal-Mart, it is one of the highest quality vitamins around. Whatever you find though, make sure it is water soluble, as fat soluble vitamins can build up in your system and make you very sick or even kill you. I find that if I am taking Vita-Lea at least a few times a week I feel much more energized and healthy than when I don't. Also, having adequate nutrition helps curb cravings so you might find you binge a lot less when your body is supplied. Besides, you want your weight loss to look effortless, right? If your health is failing, it won't.

So take care of yourselves! If any one else has any good muscle soreness advice, feel free to share!

Last night

So last night actually went really well. Did I consume a little more than I intended? Yes. Was I more active that I expected? Yes. Did I do as badly over all as I feared? No.

To start, I found the woman's house pretty easily. And I figured it was her house because of all of the cars in the driveway.

Now, where I grew up, every one entered people's houses through the garage. So I got out of my car, into the pouring rain, cold wind and thunder, and went to the garage door. I rang what looked like a doorbell and waited. No answer. So I made my way to the front door. Pushed what looked like another doorbell and although I didn't hear any sound, I waited in case I just couldn't hear it over the nasty weather.
No answer.
So I knocked. Waited. No answer.
Knocked again. Waited. No answer.

After the third time I knocked and waited, I was getting very cold and soaked through my clothes. I thought to myself I could just go home. I wouldn't have to eat anything this evening. I could tell my husband the party was canceled because of the weather and that I picked up a sandwich on the way home. This could work. But I had already RSVP'd and I thought she would think it was weird if I said I was going to show up and then didn't.

So.

I let myself in. Upon entering, I saw a few pairs of shoes in the entryway. A good sign that the party was here. But I didn't hear any noise! Was this the right house? Had I wandered into some stranger's home?
Maybe the party was in the basement. Did this house have a basement?

"Hello? ... Hellooo?!!"

No reply.

So I started slowly peering around corners, wondering where every one might be, and if trespassers would be shot, and I came across a man in a child's room.

"Hello?"

He didn't turn around. Yikes.
I saw what looked like a door to a basement. Heard a couple of voices and just went for it.

FORTUNATELY, this was the right place. I went downstairs and saw the hostess standing there with a group of other women. I breathed a sigh of relief and told her what just happened. It turned out to be a fortunate situation because the story of my just walking into some ones house at night made for a good story and every one started laughing (which was nice because I didn't know any one there) and that kind of broke the ice.
I guess her husband was supposed to be paying attention for arriving guests. Whoops. Haha.

So she offered me a drink. Yay alcohol! I never really drink because my husband doesn't and he feels weird when he is the only person not drinking and since I don't usually go anywhere without him and I love him very much, I don't really ever drink. But last night there was margaritas and Smirnoff Ice's and beer galore so I enjoyed a few drinks. Yes, I know alcoholic drinks are LOADED with calories, but since I drink so rarely and so little I tend not to count it.

After I had a margarita in hand, people started digging into the food. They raved about the Buffalo Chicken Dip.
Oh good. Eat up.

But after a few minutes, they insisted I load up a plate with food.
Luckily, there were a lot of fruits and vegetables and the plates were small so I took mostly celery and some orange slices as well as a few pieces of Puppy Chow (if you don't know what this snack food is, look it up. It's not dog food.).

But really, people don't care if you're eating or not. They just want to think you are. Since all of the seats were taken at the table that was there (mostly by larger women) I stood to "eat" my food. But with a drink in one hand and a plate in the other, I didn't have a free hand to actually transfer the food from my plate to my mouth. So I sipped my drink and made conversation with a few people who had introduced themselves to me (while they had put their drinks down to free up a food shoveling hand).

Around the time I was finishing my drink, the hostess decided to start up Just Dance on the Wii.

"Who is brave enough to go first?"

Of course I am.

I put my plate of food and my empty glass down on the far side of the room from the game and started working up a sweat playing/dancing. It was so fun! And calorie burning! We spent a couple of hours switching off players and having some laughs and some drinks. It was a lot of fun.

My only downfall came near the end of the evening when a bunch of us decided to play Apples to Apples. The hostess brought the bowl of Puppy Chow over for people to have and I took a couple of small scoops of it and ate it, but I didn't go overboard and we were really dancing up a storm, and I hadn't eaten all day so I wasn't about to beat myself up over it.

So even though I would be a lot happier with myself had I not had the puppy chow at the end of the evening, it didn't go as poorly as those kinds of situations often can so I will count it a good day.

How is every one else doing?

Quick Question

And get ready to laugh... but...

Does any one here have an ED MySpace account? I know, I know, who still uses MySpace? But that is kind of the point. MySpace is now like this "tucked away" secret that most of the world has forgotten about, so I know my husband won't find my account.

I used mine a lot years ago but stopped a while back. But I went on it the other day (thinking of getting back into it) and most of my friends on there haven't used their account in years. So I went to delete a few who haven't been on in a long time and MySpace deleted ALL of my friends. So I have been trying to re-add people but it's hard when no one really uses it. Having trouble finding people to keep in touch with.

I like to use it for portable use on my BlackBerry because as long as I don't leave it signed in, it is something my husband won't find if he uses my phone for anything.

Any one?

Success

It is so tempting to weigh myself. The number has to be down. :)

Of course, that is why I am NOT weighing myself. Because I feel good and feeling good makes me eat less so I can keep up the way I have been. If I weighed myself after all of this and the numbers still weren't down, I would definitely say Fuck IT and eat everything in sight.

Yesterday I wore a gray sweatshirt from Forever 21 that I haven't worn in a while. I am probably 10 pounds lighter than the last time I wore it. And I remember my husband saying he didn't care for it the last couple of times I wore it.

Well, last night I was making dinner and he said "Ya know, I don't know what it is, but for some reason I really like that sweatshirt on you tonight. It looks really good."

I said "Hmm. I don't know. Maybe it's because my hair is different."

He said "Yeah, I was thinking it might be that. But I don't know. You look really good." (read: Even if it's subconscious, men love skinny women, no matter what you may hear or see on TV)

Ha! Granted, my hair did look pretty good last night (had it in messy curls and pulled back in a low ponytail with loosely curled strands hanging down) but I am thinner.
To confirm this, I measured my waist this morning: Almost 2 inches smaller than it was two weeks ago! :)

Wish me luck tonight. A woman at the church I have been attending since moving here is having a get-together tonight and there is a part of me that doesn't want to go because there will be lots of food. But there is another part of me that feels unstoppable. And when I am feeling good I love love LOVE to play the "let's see if I can trick people into thinking I am eating way more than I am" game. To test my resolve, I am bringing Buffalo Chicken Dip to the gathering. It's my FAVORITE dip and hard to resist. But I will resist it. I will make it this afternoon and not eat a bite while making it and will not eat a bite of it tonight.

It's a good thing I don't believe in signs

I haven't been on the Cyanide and Happiness website in a long time. And then today I randomly did. And this was the first comic that came up. (Although I think they meant Laxative... As any good dieter would know)
Enjoy.

Feeling Good

I was down another half pound this morning. It feels good but I think I might try and not weigh myself for a little bit. I was going back through an old journal from a few years ago (when I went from very overweight to very very skinny) and considering how I did that so seemingly effortlessly.

I know the biggest part was being so active. I lived in New England at the time and there was TONS to do outside. It's more boring where I am now. But I have been trying to get out and walk, run, play frisbee etc. I wish my bike hadn't been stolen though. It was a really nice VERY EXPENSIVE mountain bike that I had chained to my porch when I lived in Eastern PA but it still was stolen. I should have just trekked it up the three flights of stairs and kept it inside. I miss it.

But anyway. Aside from being active, one thing I never did when I lost all of that weight was weigh myself. I went from wearing a size 13 to a size 2 (could even squeeze into some zeros) without ever stepping on a scale and I think I should maybe try that again.

Maybe not to that extreme, I know I would be too curious, but maybe once a month or something. Instead, I will go by how my clothes fit. That is what I did before. If they were getting tighter, I needed to eat less. If they were getting looser, I would just keep up the good work.

Know what I think is funny? When magazines and people being interviewed say "Oh, men actually PREFER women with some weight on them".

Any one who is friends with even ONE man, knows that this is not the case. Go to a bar or restaurant with a group of men and see what they lay their eyes on nudge each other about. The stick thin girls. Always. Every time. She doesn't even have to have a pretty face. As long as she's skinny, guys are into them. Duuuhhhhh. It's almost irritating to hear people on TV say this because they are giving girls false hope. Leading them to believe they will have men drooling over them if they are even a little bit overweight. News flash: They won't.

YouTube

Any one else like movies and documentaries about THIN? Me too. Here are some.

Skinny 9-1-1. A documentary about skinny celebrities

Super Skinny Me About two reporters who go on dangerous crash diets to fit into a size zero

Living with Size Zero A documentary about women being thin

Super Slim Me About a reporter trying to fit into a size zero

Perfect Body A movie about a gymnast who develops an eating disorder

Desperately Hungry Housewives Which is about housewives with eating disorders

Thin A documentary about women in an eating disorders clinic

Extreme Skinny Celebrities A documentary about (duh,) skinny celebrities

If you click around on some of those you will find more. I might post more later but I have things to do.

In other news, I was down another pound this morning (yay! all four gone!) and then I drank some water, did some Pilates and weight lifting and then went for a "power walk". After that, down another pound.

I miss running. I have no idea what's wrong with my foot. But when I run it feels like daggers so I am stuck with walking for a bit. Hoping for healing.

My plan for today is more cranberry black cherry juice and running errands. I bought a ton of celery and have been dipping it in mustard or a mustardy dip that I make with mustard, honey, balsamic vinegar and worcestershire sauce. The amount I make is only about 50 calories and I never use the whole amount. Probably about half.

How is every one else doing?

Down some

So after the soup and a lot of water, tea and diluted cranberry/black cherry juice I was down three pounds this afternoon. I still have that one pound hanging on but I am hoping it will be gone by the morning.

I want to do a juice fast or the Master Cleanse so bad, but I have been having trouble coming up with some reason to tell my husband why I would be doing it. I guess I could just list the health benefits of juice fasting (as he knows I am a health freak, and quite frankly finds it a little annoying) and maybe that will be enough. During the day it's easy because he is at work, but we have dinner together every night so it gets a little weird when I don't eat.

I don't know. I do know that I need to lose as much as possible before May 6th though.

Hmmmm

Soup?

So I got the juice. Will probably have some very soon. But I was hungry (oh of COOOURSE)so I made myself some home made soup. And by that I mean a few baby carrots, some celery and a slice of lemon in hot water with a dash of black pepper.
I don't really eat canned soups very often because they add so much sodium and additives that it's not worth it.
I really wish I didn't have to make anything for dinner tonight. I don't want to eat dinner. Maybe I will come up with a reason to not eat. Not feeling well? That's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I had a picture of the soup on here, but when I uploaded it with Blogger, it rotated it so it was sideways (which it isn't on my computer) so I uploaded it with Photobucket and it was HUGE and when I re-sized it, it wouldn't show up re-sized on my blog.
That's the kind of day I'm having.

Weekends are my enemy

Stepping on the scale this morning was a disaster. I told myself I wouldn't. If I can't even control whether or not I step on the scale, how am I supposed to control anything else?

I knew it would be high because of the Queso on Saturday night and the Taquitos last night. I am up FOUR POUNDS. In TWO days! So many Calories. But I think the biggest weight gain is from all of the sodium! I feel so bloated and my wedding ring is so tight it barely fits.

So this morning I am going to have some water and tea and then go to the store and get some Just Cranberry and Just Black Cherry juice. I mix those 1 part cranberry, 1 part black cherry and 2 parts water and just drink that during the day. It helped me lose a lot of weight back in December.

Also I haven't been running. I did something to my foot/ankle last week and it is seriously hurting. The reason I am the most worried about it though is I can't figure out what's wrong.
I have pain right below my ankle bone which I would normally just think is some kinf of sprain but the pain intensifies when I am off of it.

We went to the movie on Friday night I and almost didn't make it through the movie, my ankle was in so much pain and it was radiating up through my leg and down my foot. When I stand/walk on it, it lessens but being off of it was unbearable. Everything I found online just said "if pain intensifies when off of it, go to the hospital immediately". But no explanation of what could be wrong and that BOTHERS me.

I refuse to go to the hospital if I'm not on my deathbed right now. Since we moved recently and my husband started a new job, his insurance hasn't kicked in yet so there is no way I am going to a hospital for this. I just want to know what's going on and I want it to get better.

Fuck Queso

I ate less than half of what I normally eat of it. But it's a definite weakness.

The good, the bad and the ugly

So, my husband's cousin's wedding is coming up. Less than a month away now. I already know what I plan to wear to the wedding, so I can manage that, but we received an invitation to the rehearsal dinner as well. Attire: Cocktail

Since I don't own a cocktail dress I have to find one. So I went to the mall to look.

The Good: All of the dresses I picked out at first to try on were too big! So I am obviously smaller than I realized

The Bad: Once I found dresses in "my size" I realized the areas where my fat just seems to bulge out everywhere. It's so gross.

The Ugly: Me. I am clearly not built for dresses. I have a small chest and even smaller waist but my hips/ass are brobdingnagian. All of the dresses I tried on in every store were MUCH too big in the torso area and so tight in the butt/hips area you could see every nasty roll.

I need to increase my exercise. I really don't want to have dinner tonight, but I am trying to not be conspicuous about this. It's times like these I wish I lived alone.

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Just added some new pictures to the Pretty Pictures page. Check 'em out!

Not the only one

This just cracks me up. But I am not the only one who noticed (and how could I be) because when I searched for the ad online, I already found a comparison. Have you seen Baby Phat perfume ads that feature Kimora Lee? Have you seen what she looks like in real life? As soon as I flipped open to this ad, I started cracking up! If I was Kimora, I would be embarrassed to have to be photo shopped that much to the point I wouldn't even do the ad. Yikes.



Today my plan is to clean everything. It's my favorite calorie burning exercise. I move around a lot, it's time consuming, I work up a good sweat, my husband likes to come home to a clean place and I can think better in a spotless environment.

Cold Water

And the cold water/shower thing is something I do pretty regularly. Not just for increased calorie burn but for other health reasons too.

If you would like to know what I am talking about, here's a little more info.

Up top!

For those that haven't noticed it yet, I added a page to this blog. If you look up, below the header, there is now a "home" link (for here) and one that says "pretty pictures" for some thinspo pics and vids (yikes, abbreviation). There aren't many pictures and videos up just yet, but some. Enjoy :)

Also, my morning started out FAT!

Last night my husband wanted me to make Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizza. I thought it would be good practice in self-control for me and it was. Last night = Win! This morning = FAIL.

I only ate one piece last night (which is still awful, but if you understood my weakness for pizza, you would be proud). But this morning, there were leftovers.

And this afternoon, there aren't any leftovers.

So gross. I wasn't even enjoying it. My stomach felt awful the whole time I was eating it because it's not used to such heavy greasy foods. And worse even, I felt too sick afterward to work it off. So instead I took a cold shower and then sat in a bath of ice water for an hour. As my body started to warm up the water I would let some of it drain and then add more cold. Once I got to a point that I was shivering for a bit, my stomach felt less in pain so I let myself get out. When I got out, my lips were kind of purple, but I felt a lot better.

The advantage of cold water showering is that my hair is always softer when I get out. :)

You may be wondering why I didn't purge it. There are a lot of reasons.

A few years ago, I made a New Years Resolution to not purge for a whole year. I wanted to stop purging because a) it hurts, b) it ups your risk of esophageal cancer, c) it's HORRIBLE for your teeth (and I have an obsession with oral hygiene), d) knowing I will let myself purge only makes way for more binges.
So that year, I got as far as the end of January without purging.

The next year, I made the same resolution, and made it through almost all of February without purging.
Last year, I made it half-way through March.

But this year I think I can really do it. It's April and I haven't done it and it hasn't been that hard not to. only a couple of times. But even better, knowing I won't let myself purge has made me binge less so I am going to stick to trying not to.

Bad habits

My husband and I abuse cough syrup.

Ugh. I haven't been drinking coffee lately (for no apparent reason, I just haven't felt like it) but last night around 8 o'clock we decided we wanted to check out this coffee place near where we live.

Well, what I got was delicious but VERY strong. And being that a) I don't consume much caffeine these days and b) I don't sleep well at night, ten o'clock rolled around I couldn't get to sleep for the life of me. (Yeah, we're real night owls)

We went to be around 10. Neither of us could sleep so we watched a couple of episodes of Scrubs, and then he fell asleep.

Not me.

I was WIRED. I couldn't stop moving. I got up to pee, went back to bed. Got up and wandered into the kitchen, went back to bed. Realized I didn't put the laundry in the dryer (husband's work pants were in there), took care of it, went back to bed. By around 2am I realized I wasn't getting to sleep but would have to get up in less than 4 hours so I went into the bathroom and took a few LARGE swigs of cough syrup. It did the trick, but it was definitely too much. It's only supposed to last about 4 hours (for a regular dosage) and I don't know how much I had and it's early afternoon and I still feel loopy from it.

I told my husband this morning what I did, thinking he would think it was a bad idea, and he was like "oh, yeah. I do that when I can't sleep too."

Yikes.

Oh Posh.

Hahahaha! She couldn't even think of something she eats during the day.
"Well, I eat breakfast, and lunch a dinner and a snack"

And she's so skinny because it's "hereditary".

Let's all make a point to come up with better lies than Victoria Beckham does.
LOVE this woman!!!!

What I'm loving

Seeing the numbers go down is always nice. It's only two pounds and with all I have gained since moving I have a way to go yet, but I will be working on it.

I am re-reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. It is SUCH a good book and I highly recommend it. I posted about it in the beginning of this blog and it was such an inspiring book I am reading it again.

I've been starting off each morning with a tall glass of water, followed by a cup of blueberry green tea. I was at the grocery store looking for blueberry green tea (because it's delicious) and I ended up finding Yogi Blueberry Slim Life Green Tea. It tastes good and claims to help you lose weight. Now, this could just be because of green tea having caffeine, but it has whole blend of organic herbs in it, so who knows maybe it has something else. But if nothing else, it is yummy.

The Yogi brand has a lot of good teas for detox and stuff and they don't add a lot of extra crap to it (like GMO soy lecithin which is in EVERYTHING these days, even tea) so I like it.



Also, because I love my iced latte drinks but hate spending so much money on them, I bought myself a couple of to-go looking re-usable cups (yay planet!). I have a large one that is not insulated and a smaller one that is insulated. You can get these pretty much anywhere, but for the highest quality and lowest price I recommend TJMaxx. I got my insulated one for 4 bucks there.
Anyway, I put a handful of ice cubes in one and pour 1/2 cup Oregon Chai Vanilla Tea concentrate over it and 3/4 cup milk (it calls for 1:1 ratio but the tea is very strong and sweet so I add a little more milk). It's delicious and only about 160 calories.





Also, any one who knows anything about me knows the love affair I have with VINEGAR. It is not only delicious, but good for your health, helps you lose weight and can be used for many purposes. For more on uses of vinegar, click here

My favorite health benefiting vinegar, hands down, is Bragg's raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar. Not only does it taste better than the filter stuff, but it has all kinds of health properties in the "mother" that's in it. For some of the health benefits, click here

But my latest love has been orange bell peppers (also nutrient rich) cut up with a dash of Himalayan Pink Salt (again, I recommend TJMaxx for the best price on the salt). I splash a little Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and a little Newman's Own Organic Balsamic vinegar. It is delicious.









To help settle my stomach when I am hungry or when I just want something tasty, I frequently drink peppermint tea. I LOVE anything peppermint (lip balm, body lotion, candles, ANYTHING) so peppermint tea is probably my favorite kind. I prefer to brew it from fresh leaves or to throw a leaf in a glass of water to make it all cool and refreshing but if I don't have fresh I will brew the stuff that comes in a box. As long as it is just peppermint leaves.




That's all for now. Stay strong ladies!

First impressions

To be honest, I never used to care for Nicole Richie. This was based almost entirely on the fact that she was so buddy-buddy with Paris Hilton and I can't stand Paris. But when looking up thinspo lately I started looking at Nicole Richie stuff because I do like her style, and after watching interviews it seems she may be more intelligent that I wrote her off to be. Anyway, between the song and pictures, this video has become my most recent thinspo favorite. I love YouTube for the thinspo vids. Any one else have video favorites or suggestions?



Also, found this the other day on OMG Facts about drinking ice water. I already knew the whole "what is a calorie" thing but this laid out the math:

"A calorie is the amount of energy required to raise the temperature of one gram of water by 1 degree C. What we commonly know as calories (energy stored in food) should actually be spelled with a capital C because they are technically one thousand of these lowercase-c calories! To clarify, when you eat a Big Mac from McDonald's you are consuming 580 Calories, which is actually 580,000 calories.

So, if you drink one 16-fluid-ounce glass of ice water (473.18 grams), your body must raise the temperature of the water from around 0 degrees C to the temperature of your body, which is about 37 degrees C. To do so, your body would have to burn 17,508 calories, or 17.5 Calories. This is relatively insignificant, but as you can see, each glass of cold water you drink actually does burn Calories!"

I love Scrubs

Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Husband and I have been watching Scrubs on Netflix lately. This dialogue was on the episode we watched the other night. I laughed pretty hard at it and my husband just looked at me a little confused. He doesn't know how close THAT hit to home. Haha.

It's true though. Because that's my biggest problem. Some days, I don't hate the way I look. Which is when I start to eat. And then it's all over. The next thing I know, my clothes don't fit.

I have pretty good motivation though. One thing I am eternally grateful for is my husband's honesty. He is never afraid to tell me when he thinks I have gotten fatter. In turn, I have to make sure to not act upset with him when he says it. He's good at picking up when I'm upset and if I am when he basically calls me fat, he won't. And then it will be harder to tell when I really have gotten fatter.

Also, he won't buy me new clothes. Having gained weight since we moved, some of my clothes are a little snug. The other day, he asked me what was taking me so long to get dressed. I told him my clothes were snug so I didn't like the way they looked.
He said "Well, you'd better lose some weight then, cause you have TONS of clothes and I'm not buying you any more right now."

Bingo.

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Addendum: After reading that, I feel like it makes my husband kind of sound like a douche. I would like to add that he's not at all. He's kind, generous, soft-spoken, self-sacrificing and INCREDIBLE in bed. But he's also honest to fault and if I have gotten fatter, he sees nothing wrong with saying it. And I love that about him :)

Sabotage

I had to do it to myself. I clearly have had too much self-control in the past week.

The one food that I have never been able to resist is no-bake cookies. I could eat them until I turn into them.
And yesterday, I made some. I kept telling myself not to. Even when I was at the store, I kept circling the oatmeal trying to decide whether to get it or not. To make the cookies or not to make the cookies.

I finally caved. Came home, put away the groceries and sat down on the couch to think about it.

Eh, I will delay. Remove my nail polish. Read some Cosmo. Still can't get the cookies out of my head.

So I made them.

Now, fortunately I had enough self-control last night to only eat one. I don't make them very big for that very reason. If I eat two of them, it's the equivalent of about 2/3 of a normal one.

But then this morning. Ugh. My husband has to work today so I was up with him at 6. And I hate when he works Saturdays. For some reason I always binge on the Saturdays that he works.
After he left at 7, I spent about 20 minutes pacing back and forth to the kitchen.
I should have just thrown them out. But then when he got home tonight he would wonder where they are.

So. It is quarter of eight in the morning and I have have 4 cookies already.

FML.

How you evolved

I can barely walk.

Maybe I need to take these shoes even slower.

As I said before, my stride is completely changing thanks to my new Vibram FiveFingers. I have already had less knee, foot and back pain but I also haven't been running very far.

The only problem is adapting. Because I am using so many different muscles to stabilize myself in the shoes, they are SO SORE. I can barely walk. It's not sharp pain or anything. Just over-worked pain. Which is crazy because I have run a total of 3 miles in the shoes.

For any of you runners, I highly recommend looking into running barefoot or in minimal shoes. The more I read about it, the more it makes sense. The modern running shoe fits the foot like a cast. What happens when you put your leg in a cast? Sure, it supports the weight bearing, but it causes the muscles to atrophy because they are not being used. The same is true for the modern running shoe. Our feet are not building up the strength they need to so the rest of the body has to do unnecessary and improper work to compensate. This is the major cause of running related injuries.

There is also too much cushioning. When we run, our feet are trying to find solid ground. The more cushioning we have in our shoes, the harder we have to land to find solid ground. This puts unnecessary stress on the body having to come down so hard. Pounding the Pavement becomes very literal.

It is strange how when I run in my Vibrams, rather than landing hard on each heel to gain my footing and make it to the next stride, I am using all the muscles in my legs and core to stabilize myself as I use my stride to lift myself off of the ground and propel myself forward. More like the way quadrupeds move. Look at the way a cheetah runs. Or even a Kenyan who has never worn shoes. It is a much more graceful and less harmful movement. There is no pounding of the heel of the foot into the ground.



As for the fancy arch supports? Do you know what happens when you support an architectural arch from the bottom? It collapses. it must be supported from it's ends, precisely how our feet are designed. As you run without shoes, you build up the muscles of the foot, which support the arch of the foot. In many studies, people who run barefoot often decrease their shoes size as the arch of the foot increases with the increase in its strength.

Many college and professional running coaches buy their athletes "low-end" running shoes for this very reason. It is not that they are trying to be cheap (as the often are accused) but that when they buy the expensive "high-end" shoes with all of the arch supports and cushioning they see a drastic increase in the team's injuries.

As for Nike, guess what. They have known this all along. Their company makes a lot of money making over-priced shoes designed to correct the problems they have created.
Like the Nike Free running sneaker? I wouldn't suggest purchasing it. It is as cheap as it looks. At $85 you are getting a lightweight piece of rubber that you could get in a much less expensive pair of shoes.


Here is a little clip to give you an idea of what I am talking about