EDTWT

 Weird times and feeling old.

 I was scrolling through the comments on a YouTube video that had nothing to do with dieting or losing weight, but the content creator was thin and the first comment said something to the effect of "edtwt is coming for you"

On a hunch (experience?) I accurately figured it was ED Twitter, so I googled it.

Since you need an account to really explore Twitter, I made an account and started browsing the ED content. 

So weird. So different from the 2008 days of ED content online. It's mostly quippy sayings with weird memes making reactions to the quippy sayings. The few "thinspo" photos that exist are very obviously AI or HEAVILY photoshopped and it sent me into a weird introspective spiral of "Am I old? Is this motivational? People know this stuff isn't real, right? This isn't even motivating because it's so obviously exaggerated... but are people raised in this digital world thinking this is real life? Is this better or worse than my earlier days of starving?...." and so forth. 

It was a strange experience. 

I'm not saying nothing from "my day" was photoshopped (some of it obviously was) but this just seemed like a whole other level. 

I'm off to keep scrolling because it's late, I'm tired, and endlessly curious. 

Yearly

 My father-in-law was diagnosed with brain cancer last fall. There is a higher probability we will be moving back east. 

And my head is primarily focused on 1) the monetary expense of moving, and 2) how much fatter I am than when I left. Especially because all of my female friends have had children since I moved away and not ONE of them weighs any more than they did pre-kids. Even the ones who have had five children. I don't have the heart to explain that my weight gain was sort of intentional, it feels too hard to explain, so all I have is my larger frame that will automatically signal that I've "let myself go" or was "too dumb to not gain too much weight during pregnancy" (not true, I hardly gained anything while actually pregnant, it was all post-partum, see previous posts)

My husband is likely losing his father in the near future and I'm thinking about losing weight. 

Selfish. 

I have not changed.

Loaded responses

 Tonight Husband and I were talking about weight loss. 

He's been trying to lose weight recently, and had lost a few pounds (five pounds in the last few months maybe?)

Then he weighed himself this morning after three days of a stomach virus and he's down another eight pounds. 

And he was talking about how it's a bummer because he'd like to just keep gradually losing weight after he feels better but said it doesn't work that way. 

I reminded him about the time I had the flu when I was in school and lost weight but then kept it going (which you can read about in my February 15, 2013 and March 15, 2013 posts), and he said "Yeah, I remember that"

Eleven years ago, and he still remembers.

Because what husband doesn't remember when their wife looked better than she does now, and continued to improve?

I need to lose weight. If for no other reason than my husband deserves better. 

Also, he currently weighs more than me, but now only by about 15 pounds (we are the same height). We've been close to each other in weight but I have never weighed more than he has at any one time and I do not intend to let that change now.  

Stomach flu

 Everyone in my family currently has the stomach flu. 

And I have a head cold. 

I'm exhausted and taking care of everyone else. 

I normally don't mind taking care of my family when they are sick. And they're obviously much sicker than I am, I should be the one taking care of them. 

But all I can think is 

a) When does someone take care of me?

b) Why can't I be the one puking all day and not eating? 

Selfish. 

Twice this year

Over the past few days I have gone back and re-read my entire blog. Crazy. 

And I realized 2023 was the first calendar year in which I hadn't posted since 2011! Wild. But I had a toddler and a newborn so.... also not surprising. Very much just surviving that year. 

I was definitely a lot younger in 2011! Cringing at some of my earliest posts. And it was a weird walk down memory lane as I've also been deleting old photos off my phone (I'm terrible at deleting photos) so seeing pictures of myself from 2016 while also reading my blog posts from back then made me feel like I was back there. 

Which is strange. What would future me tell me now? Because I felt simultaneously jealous of 2016 me (she was much thinner than I am) and sad for her (she was so unhealthy). So much I want to say to her.

Which isn't to say I'm healthy now. Just in a very different head space. Maybe a better one?

Even looking back to posts from a year after my daughter was born... That was such a hard time. No sleep, earliest days of the pandemic, trouble breastfeeding, weight gain, isolation. I don't think I gave myself enough credit at the time for how hard that stage of life was. 

Even just sleep deprivation. Husband and I were talking about that the other night. Shortly after our son started sleeping through the night our daughter went through a sleep regression and we were up with her almost every night for months. It's hard to go years without sleep. I frequently would remark to Husband that there's a reason sleep deprivation is used to torture prisoners. 

But as of about a month ago, both kids are sleeping through the night almost every night. It makes such a big difference in mental and physical health.

I also left my job last year. With the astronomical cost of childcare and the fact that Husband's job doesn't allow him to be able to help much if the kids are sick, or a sitter is sick, or something comes up and I was constantly having to take off work (and then give half my paycheck to the sitter when I did work) it was just less stressful for our home in general if I stopped working. 

It was definitely the right move, but I do miss my job. And I feel selfish sometimes expressing that because I have so many close friends that would LOVE to stay home with their kids but they're either divorced, or their husbands don't make enough money, or they're struggling to even have kids. 

I know I'm fortunate, but as someone whose identity was so wrapped up in their job for so long, it's hard to let go, even if not permanently. But the years, they do fly by.

I've thought about posting here more regularly to try to keep myself accountable, I'm just not quite sure accountable for what.  Restricting? Drinking? I don't know. Maybe just to get some thoughts out.

I'm considering posting my weight on here but it's so high (though not my highest) that it feels shameful. 

Even though the reason it was so high was not primarily because I gave birth, or because of the pandemic, those happened to coincide with the weight gain so it looks like it from the outside. 

No, the weight gain was from coming face to face with my daughter. I knew my habits were terrible, and as they say "more is caught than taught". I wanted to "heal" my relationship with food. 

I was inspired by Stephanie Buttermore's "all in" journey (on YouTube if you look her up)

I wasn't "underweight" and obviously hadn't lost my period (hi, gave birth) but I was cold and exhausted all the time (which you can see in my posts from 2015-2017) and knew I was restricting to an unhealthy level. Why else would I keep my blog a secret?? 

But I wanted to see what would happen if I gave myself unlimited permission to eat. Whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. 

Well, I gained almost 30 pounds in a few months. 

Which was pretty devastating at the time but I was determined to see it through. No restricting. 

But after a few months, my hunger subsided. I wasn't craving anything or tempted to binge. I started to eat a normal amount of food and feel full. And I stopped gaining weight. Then after a few months, I started losing weight. Slowly, but losing. Like one or two pounds per month. Which is all pretty much on track with most people who do the "all in" thing. 

The only thing that changed was when I started intermittent fasting for my gut/skin health. I started losing weight a little more rapidly (tho not extremely) and it felt good. It brought up old memories of fasting highs, lightheaded feelings, secrets. Maybe that's part of what I have been missing too. Something that's just mine. 

I don't get out enough. I'm home with my kids all the time, which again, I'm over all very thankful for, but I have definitely lost some of myself in it. 

Husband encourages me to get together with friends but my friends are so busy too it's practically impossible. It takes a lot for me to reach out and ask someone to hang out and when I do and they say they are too busy I just shrink back a little more. 

Restricting feels like an old friend. 

I keep telling myself not to go down the rabbit hole. I've made a lot of progress. A healthy relationship with food (which once seemed completely impossible) doesn't feel entirely out of reach.  

Future me would probably tell me to call a friend or go for a walk. But restricting is easier. At least at the moment. 

_____________________________________________________________

Also, thank you for your comments Bella and Lucy, I've wanted to comment on your blogs now that I'm back (as well as a couple of people who hadn't posted in about five years and are back!) but blogger isn't letting me comment. it keeps saying I'm not signed in (even tho I obviously am, I'm posting). Anyone else ever had this issue?

This may become a sobriety blog

 Still here. Life is just so busy it's hard to get on here much anymore. 

Weight still fluctuates. Not uncommon after having a baby. Lose some, gain some, lose some. 

I'm down to my lowest weight since having my daughter, but not as low as I was before she was born. Very close though. 

Alcohol is my biggest issue TBH. I'm not a super heavy drinker by modern standards, but three drinks is enough to spark a binge and that's the problem. I typically only drink on Friday and Saturday nights these days, but I always end up having more than I want to and then I eat too much and just over all feel like garbage for the next two days. I really want to give it up entirely but it's so ingrained into our lifestyle that that feels impossible. 

I've been playing around with intermittent fasting. Not the every day kind (like 16:8 or whatever) but longer fasts less often. Mostly for my gut/skin health. 

I was on antibiotics when my son was born (just realizing I haven't posted since I had him... had a boy! He's wonderful and healthy and happy and now over a year old, and I have much to be thankful for).

Being two weeks past my due date and having a few complications near the end, I opted for another c-section. Had antibiotics for that. Then my incision came open in the hospital and I had to have it re-stitched and cauterized and was then on 24 hours of IV antibiotics to address that... but it got infected anyway and I was on another week of antibiotics after that. Then last fall I had pneumonia and was on prednisone and MORE antibiotics..... All of this resulting in dyshidrotic eczema (yay for painful itchy blisters on my hands and feet!) and in researching how to deal with that I've learned a lot more about intermittent fasting (I had learned some in the past from some continuing education I had to do for my professional license) and decided to try a 24 water fast, then about a month later a 40 hour water fast, and about a month later a 48 hour water fast. I'm amazed at how much better my skin is after each fast. 

I know in this space fasting is so common but I honestly feel like in the past I don't know how much full fasting I did. I would usually eat some cucumbers and an egg or something even on days I was keeping my calories below 300. But just water (and I add in a couple of cups of peppermint tea) for a couple days with no vegetables or anything? I don't know. I'd honestly have to look at old blog posts to see if I have done that in the past. I had so many bizarre habits that it's entirely possible I went multiple days without anything at all but I can't remember. I know I usually ended up having to eat something socially in the past. 

But fasting for other health reasons (and my husband of course knows about the eczema) is much more socially acceptable than for weight loss reasons (though weight loss has come with it).

The biggest challenge is communicating it to my daughter. I don't want her to have a lot of childhood memories of "mom not eating". She has such a great relationship with food, she loves everything (she ate a plate of grilled salmon, broccoli, and gnocchi for dinner tonight and loved every bite) and eats to fuel herself and I want that for her. But I also feel like I need to model that and it's hard when we all eat dinner together and "mom isn't eating". At her age, I just tell her it's because "mommy's tummy doesn't feel good" and she's fine with that, and when she's much older I'm comfortable with having conversations about intermittent fasting and how to do it in a healthy way, but at her young age I know it's only really coming across as "mom's not eating". Ugh. Tricky waters to navigate. 

Alcohol:
Flares up my eczema
Is full of empty calories
Leads to excessive eating
Ruins my sleep
Makes me feel like garbage for days after drinking it
Costs a lot of money

It's funny how people I know or have read about who have stopped drinking say people give them a lot of flack for it. 
Whenever I meet someone who doesn't drink, the only thing I think is "lucky".

But still a partake. Hopefully by my next update I'll be done drinking. 

Past my due date

Just like last time, baby is past due.

Baby has measured large this whole time. Currently estimating over nine and a half pounds, plus apparently large babies have more amniotic fluid so my abdomen feels like it's going to explode. It also looks like it. 

I gained more weight with my daughter than this pregnancy, but got fewer stretch marks last time. I've only gained about 16 pounds total this pregnancy but the stretch marks started when I had only gained 6 pounds. Meanwhile people like my sister or friend who delivered twins can gain over 40 pounds and not get any stretch marks. 

I've used every recommended moisturizer and then some, hydrated, eaten healthy foods.... Still going to look like a deflated balloon for the rest of my life. 

Hating my body. Not just how it looks, but functions as well. My body doesn't produce much relaxin while pregnant so my cervix never dilates, my breasts don't develop so I can't breastfeed very well (don't let anyone tell you breastfeeding is purely "supply and demand"... there's A LOT more to it than that). I always wanted 3-5 kids but I don't think I can birth another one. My body wasn't made for this and I hate it. I wish adoption wasn't so expensive but then again this is probably God's way of telling me I probably shouldn't be a mother anyway.

I'm sure anyone who has struggled to conceive would call me selfish, and maybe I am, but this sucks and I hate myself. 

Quick update

 22 weeks in. No weight gain yet. I realize that even if I gain a pound a week from now until my due date, it would only be about 18 pounds. Since I lost somewhere close to 25 pounds just giving birth to my daughter, even if I only gained the 18 and then lost 18, I wouldn't have a net gain which would be VERY good. As of a few days ago, I was thinking it was realistic that I might be able to only gain the necessary ten pounds (since my starting weight is high enough, I don't need to gain much) but the past 72 hours I have been INSATIABLY hungry. Agh! 

Feeling like it could get too easy to go overboard. 

I have a close friend who only gained ten pounds her whole pregnancy and then lost 20 in labor/delivery and was a glorious ten pounds thinner than her pre-pregnancy weight when she had a newborn. 

That would certainly help take the edge off of all of the other newborn struggles. To not have any extra "baby weight" while you're sleep-deprived and stagnant those first couple of months. 

Another year gone by

 I can't believe it's been another year since my last post. Where does the time go?

I've often wanted to post on here but I am pretty much always either working or with my daughter so the opportunities are rare. 

After my last post, I gained another ten pounds. Mostly from alcohol. Then, last fall I got shingles IN my MOUTH (I didn't even know you could get shingles in your mouth) and was on my couch in excruciating pain for a week and literally could not eat for a week. I sipped bone broth for a little protein but that was the most I could get. I probably had about 400 calories a day for a week straight and lost seven pounds (plus another 5 pounds of water weight but that came back as soon as I ate again). It made me feel good, and since I had been on so many painkillers that week I was motivated to not drink for a while for the sake of my liver and I lost another 7 pounds in the next seven weeks. 

I haven't lost much since then, spring weather and a decrease in covid cases meant more socializing which meant more eating and drinking, but I haven't gained anything in while. 

Which is especially good since.... I'm pregnant again. 

My daughter is AMAZING and hilarious and wonderful so the thought of having another is exciting, but the weight is scaring me. I sometimes wonder what would've happened with no pandemic. I didn't gain much weight until the last month of my pregnancy when the world was shut down and I couldn't even go to work. 

I know most of my weight gain came AFTER she was born, but I still had ten extra pounds on me immediately following her birth.  

I'm three months in and haven't gained anything yet, so I'm off to a good start, but since I had recently lost some weight, was hoping to lose more before getting pregnant again. Oh well. We work with what we've got. 

And I'm always working on it. 

A year later

It was weird to read my post from last April. I forgot about so many things that had been running through my head. 

My daughter ended up being born 10 days late. And in that time, not being able to work, or go anywhere, or do anything, I gained an additional 7 pounds, which put my total pregnancy weight gain at about 32 pounds. Not astronomical. I came home from the hospital only down 5 pounds (even though my daughter weighed almost 8!) because I had to have an emergency c-section they pump you full of so much fluid, I looked like the Pillsbury dough boy. But after about 10 days, the fluid went down and I found I was only ten pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Should've been easy to lose.....

Then came the struggle with breastfeeding. I spent ALL of my time (and hired a lactation consultant) nursing and pumping to try to feed my daughter. I wasn't against supplementing with formula, but she ended up being allergic to every formula I tried, so that was off the table, and donor milk was scarce. What a stressful time.

There's this idea that breastfeeding just dumps calories out of your body, and it can, but when you hardly produce any milk, you don't sacrifice many calories. (I ended up supplementing with goat milk, which got her the extra calories she wasn't getting from me, but wasn't the nutritional equivalent of breast milk or formula so I still had to keep trying)

So with every spare minute I had being spent sitting on my couch, either pumping or nursing, every time I cut my calories my meager milk supply would decrease, and I was in so much pain from the c-section, I not only didn't lose the 10 pounds I gained.... I gained 20 MORE! I currently weigh around what I did when I was nine months pregnant. Ugh. It hurts just typing that. Once my daughter started solids at the end of last year, I didn't stress quite as much about losing my milk supply because I knew she wouldn't starve if I ran out. 

So I've been cutting my food calories pretty successfully, but I'm back to drinking too much. When I first had a full drink after my daughter was born I noticed how quickly I got intoxicated after not drinking for so many months. I was excited but of course, I have steadily increased it so now it takes at least FOUR drinks for me to hit a level of intoxication that causes me to stop (more if I have eaten something). I don't want to black out.... I just want to numb. But that's hundreds of extra calories and I'm consuming them almost every day. 

I didn't drink anything last night. And I slept great. And I feel better today than I normally do. Obviously. Why can't I just give it up entirely? Alcoholism runs in my family so this shouldn't shock me. 

I need to get my shit together. If not for myself..... the fact that I have a daughter has really changed my perspectives on how I treat myself, especially around her. I grew up with a mother that loathed herself (and still does) and we don't have a good relationship. Needless to say, her self-loathing wore off on her daughters (who might as well be genetic clones of her). She was always dieting. She's miserable. I don't want my daughter to grow up with a mother like that. My sister has two daughters (around 9 and 11 years old) and I can tell they're noticing that their mother starves herself and drinks too much. My sister claims they don't, but I see it. And we were very aware of our mother's behavior. My sister is clearly in denial. 

I have more thoughts but my daughter just woke up so I'll try to update again later. 

Pregnancy and Pandemic

I appreciate the previous comments on my last post. I haven't been on here much since my last post. It's been weird dealing with my body's changes. I didn't think it would be this difficult.

It's probably made worse by this COVID pandemic. My midwife urged me to stop working early since my job includes being in close proximity to my patients and the hospital where I plan to deliver has strong restrictions for sick people right now.

I just sit around at home and eat. Most days I can at least motivate myself to walk the dogs and clean the house a little.

The weather has been cold and windy most days so it sucks for going outside.

And today we have a clogged sewer line causing water to back up into our basement, so for today, cleaning is out the window.

The pandemic put our remodeling project on hold (no one wants to go into other people's houses) so I can't get the baby's room ready.

And all the birthing websites talk about how now is the time to "pamper" myself by taking a "babymoon," getting a haircut, a massage, a pedicure, etc.... None of which I can do, because all of those businesses are closed due to the virus.

So I just sit at home inside my own head. I should take the opportunity to exercise like crazy. Supposed to help baby come out faster anyway. But I've been feeling super down and it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything.

My goal for only gaining 15 lbs disappeared at the start of the pandemic. I was doing okay until the beginning of March. I've already gained 25 lbs in total (about half of that in the past 7 weeks), and I have perhaps 2 or more weeks to go. I'm hoping baby shows up early. I know that's rare for a first, but it would be really nice to get baby out of me.

I know 25 lbs is not record-breaking weight gain for a pregnancy, many women gain much more, but I was hoping I wouldn't. Feels like failure.

They say the ninth month of pregnancy is the longest month ever, but I would argue it's MUCH longer when the whole country is at a standstill.

Pregnancy Update

I've gained a pound since my last post. That still puts me two pounds below my starting weight.
If I was to gain 15 pounds starting today, that would require a 300 Cal per day surplus. I think I've been getting close to that the past few days. I haven't been counting. I started to the first few weeks but it was driving me mad so I had to stop. Now I just estimate, which is a little scary because I don't want to go overboard.

Also my stomach is starting to protrude a little. I've mostly been hiding it under over-sized sweaters because I don't look pregnant yet, I just look bloated. Ugh. Looking forward to actually looking pregnant. Also my boobs are bigger which is weird to get used to because I've been so small in the chest my whole life.
Rapid body changes are scary.

Thanks for your kind words Lucy, It's hard to take care of myself but I'm trying.

Knocked up

They say to not talk about getting pregnant....

About 6 months ago, husband and I had finally decided that in the next year or so, we would perhaps stop trying to not have kids, and see what happens. I wanted to wait a year so that I had some time to lose weight. Not good to diet while pregnant.

Well, I had started losing when lo and behold.... I accidentally got pregnant in the beginning of August. Yikes.

It was a total shock and to be honest my first thought was "I'm not skinny enough yet".

The advantage I suppose? I'm not overweight, but I've been at the high end of my "normal" BMI for a while, and according to my doctor I only need to gain a minimum of 15 pounds.
What? I totally thought that even if you were overweight, you needed to gain at least 20 pounds.
So 15 is the goal.
Maybe it would be healthier to cut myself some slack, but honestly so many women do that (especially in America) and just go nuts when pregnant and gain like 60 pounds, which also is not healthy. I will not be in that boat.

So I'm almost 3 months pregnant and have so far lost 3 pounds. I've been cautious and slow about it. I'm not starving myself (who am I?). But everything I've read says that it's not unsafe to lose a little weight in your first trimester, and it's actually pretty common as so many women have morning sickness. It won't harm the baby. But I'm nearing the end of my first trimester so soon weight loss will not be considered okay.

I've been trying my best to just get the highest nutrition for the lowest calories possible. The trouble is, I have had a MAJOR sweet tooth and I crave candy all the time (which is atypical for me). Also, I haven't really eaten meat in a few weeks. It doesn't make me sick, but I find it kind of gross. I've mostly been eating a lot of fruit since it seems to mostly satisfy my sweet tooth and is actually nutritious. And then rice and beans for protein.

I've also been fortunate that I've felt good exercising, but most days it's hard to motivate myself to as I've been very tired.

I hope I handle the weight gain okay. My stomach is starting to protrude a little. I'm sure it's not noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. It's simultaneously excited about it and terrified. It's going to be a weird year.

The Midwest

The pro/con of living in the Midwest: I have a false sense of feeling/looking "thin". I was at two different parties on Saturday and I was the thinnest woman there by at least 60 lbs. Some more than 100. On the one hand it made me not want to eat because hi, I don't need to go down that road, but on the other it always seems like women who are bigger care more about how much thinner women are eating or not eating. Like they have to make you eat more to make themselves feel better. I was initially saving my calories for alcohol but when it looked like the only alcohol was Busch Lite (which is so low in alcohol I can't drink it fast enough to get even a slight buzz, even on an empty stomach) I ate some fruit, vegetables, and a split a piece of cake with Husband. Should've skipped all of that because later I found out there was some stronger drink, which I ended up having (obviously) which put me way over my calorie limit. 

I'm going back to the Czech Republic in two weeks and I am about 7 lbs heavier than I was last year. Nothing worse than not seeing a bunch of people for a year and showing up the next year fatter. ESPECIALLY as an American. It's such an embarrassing stereotype. I'm hoping to drop at least the 7 lbs so that I'm at least not fatter.... thinner would've been better but I've had no self-control. IDK what my deal is. To make matters worse, I remember how physically demanding the trip was last year (see a few posts ago) and I'm not in good shape either. Might be time to dig a hole for me.... 

And to add insult, Husband has been loosely dieting for two weeks now and has lost 10 lbs without ANY exercise. Sometimes living with a man is the worst. 

Vora

Any one else using the Vora app? It's a fasting app and it's my new favorite motivation. Timers and bar graphs are quite motivational to me. It's a little easier to say "maybe just a couple more hours before I eat".

Down 3 lbs this week.

Over

In case you are wondering, I'm still obsessive. Going a year without weighing myself was only helpful in one respect, and that's that I can go on vacation and not have access to a scale and not panic about it. I made it a whole year, I can make it a week.

Other than that, I gained weight, so I obviously can't be trusted. I'm back on the restricting wagon.

I'm limiting everything except vegetables. Trying to stay under 1000 kcals every day, and running at least 5 km everyday (though ideally more than 10, but my schedule is busy and time is limited).

A bad idea

So at the start of the year I had made an experimental goal for myself to not weigh myself for 1 whole calendar year. So far I'm still doing it.

What I hoped would happen:
I would stop obsessing about my weight.
I would focus on how I felt versus what number I saw.
My head would start to think more rationally.
I would see what I really looked like in the mirror.
I could get my head free from this mess and focus on things that matter.

What has actually happened:
I think I'm fat no matter what.
I can't at all tell what I look like. I thought I might be able to based on how my clothes fit, but each season I get out last year's clothes and some fit and some don't. Some fit the same, some are tighter, a couple seem looser. What the fuck??
Some days I look in the mirror and see a blob of fat and rolls.
Some days I look in the mirror and see a lean, fit adult woman.
Some photos of me look good. Others look terrible. What do I actually look like?

My head is a mess. I have wanted to post on here but I don't even know what to say.

I went to the Czech Republic in July. It was a great trip. Every one there was, in fact, very thin tho I can only attribute that to walking everywhere because their food is SO HEAVY and calorie dense. A few people made remarks on how fit I looked. At one point we hiked 25 km on no sleep and I had more energy than almost every one I was hiking with. So at least I didn't embarrass myself on that front. I might look like a giant whale, but at least I had good physical fitness.

As always... The holidays are coming. I need to be thin for the holidays. I can't deal if I'm not.
And normally I am sad to see them over (I gain enough satisfaction in decor that it's easier to not eat). But this year, the New Year will mark the start of weighing myself again. I need that in my life.

Still fat

I haven't been on all year because I don't have numbers.

I recalled the time in my life that I got the thinnest, I literally never weighed myself. I just kept restricting and getting smaller.

So I decided to try to go the entire year of 2018 not stepping on a scale.

It hasn't helped. At first it even made things worse. I gained weight in the first part of the year (like, probably 15 pounds if I had to guess) because I knew I wasn't going to "see" the numbers in the morning. The problem was, I soon started to "see" the numbers of my pants rising. Technically I can still squeeze into my clothes but they're super tight. And in fact, a number of pairs of shorts that I wore last year are now too tight to wear this year.

AND....

We have a beach vacation scheduled for the first week of July.

Fuck.

I told husband I'm not eating carbs between now and then. It's honestly the fastest way I can think to lose the weight. That combined with 18/6 intermittent fasting. And running every day. If I can lose at least ten pounds in the next three weeks I should be okay.

Then hopefully keep losing weight, because after the beach vacation, I will be taking a trip to do some work in the Czech Republic for two weeks at the end of July, and like I said when I left for Portugal last year, I refuse to be the "Fat American" when I travel abroad.

158

Getting back down to 160 was pretty easy. It was mostly bloat/water. Now I am once again, working my way down the 150's. With my impatience, my net intakes in the past few days have been between 300-700. I've been eating a little over 1,000 kcals per day, but exercising. Trying desperately to keep my metabolism up. Husband was out of town yesterday and today so I walk/ran 10 miles with the dogs, went to bed early to avoid late night binges, which then helped me to get up early today and get a few miles in with doggies before helping out at a friend's store all day. Husband shouldn't be home until later this evening so I should be able to get a few more miles in with the dogs before he gets home.

Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water & Coffee & Water

A week of self-destruction

I hadn't binged in a really long time. Like, not even one binge meal. At least a sober one anyway. I guess there were a few times I stuffed my face while drunk at 2 am. I'd have to look back through posts but I think it was prior to 2017 since a premeditated, sober binge. And then last week I spent an entire week stuffing my face. In the wake of the few pound I had gained I went nuts. I lost my mind. I bought ice cream, cereal, peanut butter, chocolate (I don't even like chocolate), brownie mix.... On two occasions I mixed up the boxed brownie batter and ate almost the entire thing in one sitting without even baking it. Just the fucking batter. I, of course, had to wait until Husband wasn't home which was a little tricky but I don't work quite as many hours as he does so it wasn't that hard.

I didn't exercise. Not once. No walking the dogs. No solo runs. Just face stuffing for seven straight days.

I was tired, and felt awful. My skin looked horrific. I barely slept.

And I punished myself in the meantime. I would step on the scale, look at the giant number, go eat bread dipped in oil. Step on the scale, look at the now larger number eat a fast food hamburger. All week I would do this.

And oh my the alcohol. I think I averaged 6 drinks per night each week (how else would I get to sleep and live with the disgust?!)

And then I tipped. I got the number on the scale all the way up to 170 fucking pounds. I felt high just looking at it. It didn't feel real.

Over the course of one week I managed to gain 13 pounds! I could barely fit into the work clothes that were hanging off of me back in June.

But maybe I needed to swing the pendulum to regain some momentum. I had been so stuck. And I don't know if I've ever felt as disgusted with myself as I did Monday morning. Realizing just how awful I felt eating garbage and not exercising has definitely renewed my desire to restrict INCLUDING ALCOHOL. Last night was the first night in over a month that I only had one drink. The binge week was enough to scare me out of even alcohol calories.

After just one day of being more reasonable, I was back down to 165 this morning (can't believe I'm typing those words....) and I got a good 7 mile run in today. Funny thing about it was even though it's disgustingly humid out (usually kills my pace) my average pace was more than a minute faster than it had been in months and I didn't really feel like I was pushing myself. Crazy was some fuel and hydration will do.

So today I've had some frozen fruit, an egg, cauliflower, kale, and some water. But more importantly, I feel motivated. I can keep this up.