A year later

It was weird to read my post from last April. I forgot about so many things that had been running through my head. 

My daughter ended up being born 10 days late. And in that time, not being able to work, or go anywhere, or do anything, I gained an additional 7 pounds, which put my total pregnancy weight gain at about 32 pounds. Not astronomical. I came home from the hospital only down 5 pounds (even though my daughter weighed almost 8!) because I had to have an emergency c-section they pump you full of so much fluid, I looked like the Pillsbury dough boy. But after about 10 days, the fluid went down and I found I was only ten pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Should've been easy to lose.....

Then came the struggle with breastfeeding. I spent ALL of my time (and hired a lactation consultant) nursing and pumping to try to feed my daughter. I wasn't against supplementing with formula, but she ended up being allergic to every formula I tried, so that was off the table, and donor milk was scarce. What a stressful time.

There's this idea that breastfeeding just dumps calories out of your body, and it can, but when you hardly produce any milk, you don't sacrifice many calories. (I ended up supplementing with goat milk, which got her the extra calories she wasn't getting from me, but wasn't the nutritional equivalent of breast milk or formula so I still had to keep trying)

So with every spare minute I had being spent sitting on my couch, either pumping or nursing, every time I cut my calories my meager milk supply would decrease, and I was in so much pain from the c-section, I not only didn't lose the 10 pounds I gained.... I gained 20 MORE! I currently weigh around what I did when I was nine months pregnant. Ugh. It hurts just typing that. Once my daughter started solids at the end of last year, I didn't stress quite as much about losing my milk supply because I knew she wouldn't starve if I ran out. 

So I've been cutting my food calories pretty successfully, but I'm back to drinking too much. When I first had a full drink after my daughter was born I noticed how quickly I got intoxicated after not drinking for so many months. I was excited but of course, I have steadily increased it so now it takes at least FOUR drinks for me to hit a level of intoxication that causes me to stop (more if I have eaten something). I don't want to black out.... I just want to numb. But that's hundreds of extra calories and I'm consuming them almost every day. 

I didn't drink anything last night. And I slept great. And I feel better today than I normally do. Obviously. Why can't I just give it up entirely? Alcoholism runs in my family so this shouldn't shock me. 

I need to get my shit together. If not for myself..... the fact that I have a daughter has really changed my perspectives on how I treat myself, especially around her. I grew up with a mother that loathed herself (and still does) and we don't have a good relationship. Needless to say, her self-loathing wore off on her daughters (who might as well be genetic clones of her). She was always dieting. She's miserable. I don't want my daughter to grow up with a mother like that. My sister has two daughters (around 9 and 11 years old) and I can tell they're noticing that their mother starves herself and drinks too much. My sister claims they don't, but I see it. And we were very aware of our mother's behavior. My sister is clearly in denial. 

I have more thoughts but my daughter just woke up so I'll try to update again later.