A week of self-destruction

I hadn't binged in a really long time. Like, not even one binge meal. At least a sober one anyway. I guess there were a few times I stuffed my face while drunk at 2 am. I'd have to look back through posts but I think it was prior to 2017 since a premeditated, sober binge. And then last week I spent an entire week stuffing my face. In the wake of the few pound I had gained I went nuts. I lost my mind. I bought ice cream, cereal, peanut butter, chocolate (I don't even like chocolate), brownie mix.... On two occasions I mixed up the boxed brownie batter and ate almost the entire thing in one sitting without even baking it. Just the fucking batter. I, of course, had to wait until Husband wasn't home which was a little tricky but I don't work quite as many hours as he does so it wasn't that hard.

I didn't exercise. Not once. No walking the dogs. No solo runs. Just face stuffing for seven straight days.

I was tired, and felt awful. My skin looked horrific. I barely slept.

And I punished myself in the meantime. I would step on the scale, look at the giant number, go eat bread dipped in oil. Step on the scale, look at the now larger number eat a fast food hamburger. All week I would do this.

And oh my the alcohol. I think I averaged 6 drinks per night each week (how else would I get to sleep and live with the disgust?!)

And then I tipped. I got the number on the scale all the way up to 170 fucking pounds. I felt high just looking at it. It didn't feel real.

Over the course of one week I managed to gain 13 pounds! I could barely fit into the work clothes that were hanging off of me back in June.

But maybe I needed to swing the pendulum to regain some momentum. I had been so stuck. And I don't know if I've ever felt as disgusted with myself as I did Monday morning. Realizing just how awful I felt eating garbage and not exercising has definitely renewed my desire to restrict INCLUDING ALCOHOL. Last night was the first night in over a month that I only had one drink. The binge week was enough to scare me out of even alcohol calories.

After just one day of being more reasonable, I was back down to 165 this morning (can't believe I'm typing those words....) and I got a good 7 mile run in today. Funny thing about it was even though it's disgustingly humid out (usually kills my pace) my average pace was more than a minute faster than it had been in months and I didn't really feel like I was pushing myself. Crazy was some fuel and hydration will do.

So today I've had some frozen fruit, an egg, cauliflower, kale, and some water. But more importantly, I feel motivated. I can keep this up.