Sunday, Sunday

All of last week went well up until yesterday. I managed to be anti-social enough to avoid major eating situations and kept my intake low. Unfortunately, yesterday Husband was insistent on having pizza for lunch. This is hard to get out of because we always order the same pizza (it's like, the fattiest thing you can order... alfredo sauce, extra cheese, the worst) and we always eat the whole thing. I felt extremely anxious about the whole thing, but I talked myself down by figuring that many people have one "cheat meal" (read, not whole day but one meal) per week and still do okay, and since I had stayed on track all week, I should've been okay, and eating pizza in front of him will help allay suspicions that are bound to arise now that I am back to restricting so well. I managed to eat one slice less than what I usually consume, (because I usually eat FOUR FUCKING PIECES OF PIZZA), which according to their website was 1,200 Calories. (read: more than what I should have consumed in my entire day).

I had already had a banana for breakfast, so I should not have eaten anything else. Then we went over to a friends house last night, and guess what they were having.... Yep! Pizza. Fortunately, this stuff was home made, smaller, and thin crust so it was not as bad as what I had for lunch, but we also drank beer.

I tallied all of yesterday to be about 3,300 Calories. That's more than three days worth in one day.

Worse yet, I also got zero exercise. I managed to walk/run 11 miles on Saturday which did have me at a good deficit going into yesterday, but I definitely didn't make up for 3,300 Calories. I was also woken in the night multiple times by sharp stomach pain, and this morning I feel heavy and disgusting.

My energy stores have been extremely low, which was most noticeable on Saturday during those 11 strenuous miles (the last three felt impossible) so I'm hoping that this pizza will fuel me to knock out another 10 miles today but we'll see. Tomorrow is March 1st which means stepping on the scale. I'm tempted to post my weight here. It's so embarrassingly high, and most of you know why I don't post it (because it always seems to go up when I do), but I also feel so hypocritical because I'm curious what other people weigh and appreciate when they post it. I need to stop being so superstitious and realize that my weight has to do with my actions and not random acts of blogging.

Dodgin' bullets

Immediately after publishing that post last night, Husband came home from work with the devil in his hands: A shamrock shake. At first, all I saw was the one, and I noticed he had already consumed about two thirds of it. I had hoped his intention was to split it with me. But then I realized, he had another one for me cradled in his other arm. After my immediate shock wore off, (and not wanting to treat my kind Husband like shit) I faked some excitement that he had brought me home such a nice 660 Calorie treat.

There is food everywhere in life the United States, and the successful know how to avoid it.

After he handed it to me, I opened the lid to eat the cherry that had fallen off the top of the mountain of whipped cream piled on the surface of the drink. Whoops, spilled a little on the table.

So I went into the kitchen to get a towel to wipe up the mess. After cleaning up the spill, I put the lid back on the drink and stuck the straw in it. Then proceeded to suck the shake up to the top of the straw, while barely letting any of it actually exit the straw into my mouth, while telling Husband about my day. A few minutes into this charade, Husband remembered he had left something out in his car that he needed to go get.
Perfect. I had perched myself on the counter top next to the kitchen sink, so while Husband was out at his car, I managed to dump nearly half of the drink down the kitchen sink and get it rinsed down before he came back inside.

The sink dumping made a little bit of a mess, so I was still cleaning that off of the cup when Husband got back, but he knew I had spilled it earlier and didn't seem to think anything of me putting a paper towel around the drink. Having this around the drink made it even easier to conceal the fact that while we were sitting there, I was consuming none of it.

After wrapping up our conversation about our day, Husband went into the dining room to look up something on the computer. I waited a minute until I knew he was wrapped up in what he was doing (because he was practically in sight still, and probably earshot), and then carefully and quietly lifted up the drain plug in the sink, and dumped the rest out. I then put the straw back to my mouth and made some slurping noises with the residue in the bottom of the cup so it sounded like I was actually finishing it.

I then threw the cup in the trash, washed my hands so as to rinse the drink down the sink, thanked Husband for the shake and went upstairs to bed.
Bullet dodged.

I was "rewarded" with a hunger induced sleepless night, but whatever, because I am feeling accomplished and motivated to keep this up.

Tonight is going to be more difficult because we have twofold plans with friends tonight, both of which involve eating, so I'm going to have to be a little creative in how to get out of as much eating as possible, but my biggest defense is going to be to work out as much as I can today so I'm at least going into the evening with a decent deficit. March 1st is coming up and I want that number on the scale down.

Making up for yesterday

I only ended up eating half of the green bean casserole, which was good because I really had hardly anything else in my system and even the half portion caused me to have serious diarrhea (you're welcome for that image) last night around 7 pm. So I was at a decent deficit most of last night, which was good until Husband wanted to go out to a local nano brewery that we love. I allowed myself two beers because I had done so well all day, but caved and ordered a chorizo taco. This place specializes in gourmet tacos and I couldn't hold out. Luckily, you order each individual taco and they don't come with any sides so ordering one taco is just that.

If I had stopped there, I would have felt okay. I had hardly eaten anything and managed to go for a decent run, so it would have been bearable. But then I got home. And husband opened up the bag of molasses cookies my mom sent us. And I ate four. FOUR OF THEM. They are not small cookies either. And the worst part was, I wasn't even hungry, just a little bit tipsy from the beers on an empty stomach. Drinking has a bad habit of leading to eating. So yesterday ended up pretty terrible. 

Today went well though. I made it through the day on a small smoothie, a green juice, a handful of sunflower seeds, and a handful of garlic crisp thingies. It would have been better if I had gotten a workout in, but today was busy and I was on my feet for 6 hours straight so at least I kept moving. It's only 7 pm but I am going to do some laundry and go to bed before I ruin a good day! 

Measuring size

Last night I went out for a drink with a few of my friends. The topic of dieting came up (which it often does, because our one friend is a dietitian) and they were discussing the HCG diet. They talked about how it would be impossible for them, and how they don't know how any one could get through the day eating under 1,000 Calories. I nodded my head in agreement and said "yeah". Because I'm a terrible liar, so when lying is my only option, I say nothing.

I'm also afraid I'm not going to see pounds lost on my scale because I have been working out so much, so in case I don't have a loss, I'm also measuring my body (ribs, waist, hips, thigh, calf, biceps, forearm) to determine if I am at least smaller. A lack of loss of poundage is easier to deal with if I know I'm smaller. If nothing has decreased, I know I'm definitely not trying hard enough. Especially since I only really have two pairs of jeans (I would like another couple of pairs, but I refuse to purchase many pairs of pants at this size, it's like rewarding bad behavior) and the one pair feels like it has gotten bigger and the other pair feels like it has gotten smaller. I know this can be due to washing/shrinking/wearing/stretching but how do I know which pair to believe? On the plus side, I had gotten so large, even my underwear was feeling tight (so embarrassing), and I had a few styles I couldn't even wear at the start of the year because they were too small, and I'm back to being able to wear them. So that's good, right? RIGHT?

I realized this past year when making green bean casserole (my Thanksgiving weakness) that the only ingredient in the stuff that's bullshit is the fried onions. The mushroom soup (I use the Pacific brand organic version because it seems less gross and weird than Campbell's), milk, and green beans are not real high cal for the quantity. So that's what I'm eating today. I made a massive bowl of it (that is more than enough food to keep my stomach full for a whole day) and it's only 300 Calories. It's loaded with fiber from the beans, which might make me shit myself, but I'm hoping that if I consume it slowly enough throughout the day, that won't be an issue. I'll definitely take the dog for a run PRIOR to finishing it, because I will die of embarrassment if I shit myself in public.

Coffee and adderall

I decided to organize some messy cabinets in my house today, when I found some adderall in a jewelry box I had stashed away in grad school. I forgot all about it! I didn't use the stuff in school as much as most of my friends did because it doesn't really help me focus when it comes to stationary tasks, but it does motivate me to super clean my house! I'm glad I only took half of one though, because I had already had a lot of coffee and as soon as it kicked in, my heart rate flipped out for a few minutes. I'm hoping I'm not so wired tonight when I go to PiYo tho, because even going up and down the stairs too fast makes me a little light headed, I don't need to be passing out in front of a room full of people.

On the plus side, it has killed my insatiable appetite I've acquired from my recent increase in cardio.

Patience

It's hard to be patient. I'm still working on getting my body into weight loss mode. It always seems to take time for my body to adjust, no matter which direction. I have to be overeating for a long time before I see any significant weight gain (aside from bloat) and I have to be working out and restricting for a while before my body finally gets the message that it's time to tap into those energy reserves. I haven't stepped on the scale for a bit, but last night I noticed my jeans felt looser so I'm really hoping for a loss next week at the start of March.

I took a PiYo class at 5 this morning and I'm taking another one at 6 tonight. I'm going to be sore the next couple of days. But I don't really have anything planned to do today and Husband is out of town until late tonight so I'm thinking I will drive somewhere to get out of the house and avoid eating. Just have to decide where.

What it do

Thank you for your comments, ladies.

In answer to your question Lucy, I'm nowhere near where I used to be when it comes to running. I injured my knee while mountain biking two summers ago, right before my first 50k (or 50k attempt). I ended up dropping out of the race after 25 miles because the pain in my knee started shooting down my leg into my ankle and I decided another 6 miles wasn't worth it if I was going to wreck my knee.

At the same time, I was also suffering some tendinitis in my shoulder so I wound up basically putting all exercise on hold just due to pain. The problem with that is that I got lazy. I didn't scale back my eating to compensate for the lack of exercise and I got fat and out of shape.

All this to say that when I was training for that ultra, I was running around an 8:30-9 min mile. I've never been very fast. And when I started running again this past year, I was very out of shape and was back to doing a 12 min mile. I've since knocked that down to about 10:30 but I'm not about to attempt any more ultras until I get that down under 10. Plus my distances suffered too. When I started running again this past year, even running 2 miles felt like work. I'm up to 10 miles being comfortable, but I get slow at the end. When I run more than 6 miles, my average pace drops to between 11 and 11:30 min. So I'm working on it. It's frustrating to think of where I could be now if I had kept up with the running but I'm trying to instead think of where I can be two years from now if I keep going now.

Also, I'm jealous of you Lucy, that your husband runs with you. Mine has tried to a couple of times and says he wants to run with me more, but he doesn't take care of himself (like, barely stretches even when I force him to) so he always winds up getting hurt and can't run anymore. I'm a chiropractor, so I know how to help him but a large part of it is ways he needs to take care of himself, but he won't. When I attempted that 50k, there was a couple that was running the same course but as a 50 mile run, and I was so jealous of them, because they run together all the time and because it takes all day to run 50 miles, they just kept a steady pace and talked and laughed the whole day together. I want to be them.

In other news folks, its that time of the year again! Yes, today I got myself a small shamrock shake. I realized just now, looking back at the old post, the calorie content has gone up in those things. This doesn't surprise me too much, because I noticed they are a darker green and are more syrupy than they used to be. Using their calorie count, I figured a small to be about 500 Calories, and amazingly I had the self-control to only drink half of it. So I'm calling it 300. Its a disgusting 300, I know, but I know I'm going to drink those damn things every year so I just prepare for it. Actually, last year I didn't get one at all. I meant to, but never got around to it (I normally avoid McDonald's). This year, not so much, but hopefully I got my fix and can be done.

Rounding up

What did I eat? I keep recalling my calorie count for the day, and I swore when I was chewing up and spitting out that m&m cookie, I was over 700.

But then I go back. (All number rounded up)

Oatmeal - 200

Banana - 200

Cacao nibs - 100

Celery stick with bleu cheese dip - 100

Where is the other 100? Maybe I added 100 because even though I spit most of it out, I probably absorbed some calories inadvertently. 

That's how I count by the way. I don't have to write anything down, or have an app on my phone. I just round everything up to the next 100. Like, realistically that banana was closer to 100 than 200, but it was over 100 so I'm rounding up to 200. We make dumb rules for ourselves, you guys. 

I should have run today, but my body is so sore and I will have more time tomorrow, so I would rather rest a little and run extra far tomorrow when I have the time, than run today for a short bit and potentially not have it in me to go longer tomorrow. Plus, I've increased my distances lately and my energy reserves are a little low, but I have to go out for Thai food with some friends tonight so considering I've had at least 600 Calories today, I'm sure I'll be well over 1000 by the end of the night which should mean having energy to run far tomorrow. That was a long sentence. 

Whoops

I literally binged on straight sugar yesterday. I don't know why. I don't often crave sugar. It's usually the greasy fatty foods I can't fail to resist. But I mixed probably about a cup of powdered sugar with a couple of tablespoons of milk and stirred it into a glaze-like consistency. It didn't taste very good so I mixed in some cocoa powder and then it was chocolaty and yummy. I, of course, destroyed the evidence, but apparently not the smell because when Husband came home three hours later, he asked if I had made brownies because that's how the kitchen smelled.
Jeez.

I wasn't really in the mood to run yesterday, so I wasn't going to, but after that atrocity, I clearly had to, so while the sugar was still giving me a high, I changed my clothes and took the dog out for a 6 mile run. I didn't measure the exact amount of sugar so I don't know if I successfully burned it all off, but it was something.

It's now 7 am and I have had a smoothie (made with one banana, 1 cup of blueberries, 1 tbsp protein powder, and water) and went to a PiYo class already. I need coffee and I'll be ready to start my day.

What sucks about today though, is that I am waiting for a package to arrive. I was planning to stay out of the house all day to avoid eating, but I will have to be here to sign for the package. So instead I am going to try to clean and get rid of things I don't want hanging around the house.

Halfway through the month of February and my clothes still fit the same. This is not good. I'm not trying hard enough.

CocoRosie & PJ Harvey

Mostly all I have been listening to as of late.

I used to be a lot darker. I didn't smile much. I ate too little. 

I was freezing cold earlier today. Instead of turning up the heat, I took a very long very hot bath. I stayed in until I felt light headed. I had to sit on the edge of the tub immediately after emerging. I felt very dizzy. It was the same kind of dizzy I used to feel in the summer time when it was hot and I hadn't eaten in two days. I passed out on more than one occasion way back when. Today's feeling made me miss those days. 

Back to pre-Christmas

Well, I'm back to my pre-Christmas weight. I'm not where I should be for how long I've had to drop those pounds, but when I consider the social obligations thrown at me throughout the month of January, I guess any loss is good. It's also re-affirming my decision to only weigh myself at the beginning of the month. I'm certain if I had been weighing myself three times (or more) a week, I would have seen some intermittent gains that probably would have crushed my resolve. Losing anything pushes me to keep going.

If anything, it's actually my resolve to restrict stronger. It's positive reinforcement. You did your job. Now keep pressing on. Try harder. You can lose more this month.

In other news, I have been re-reading Lina's blog. I used to read along back when she blogged regularly, and I wonder how she's doing these days. I've read her blog in it's entirety in the past and almost everything she says resonates strongly with me.