Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Positive reinforcement

So I finally did something I haven't done in literally years.
Binged. Purged.

I really thought I was past it. I hadn't done it in years. But I was studying for an exam and mindlessly downed  probably close to 1,000 calories in trail mix.
And I didn't want to purge. I hate everything about it. I hate the way it smells, the way it looks, the way it leaves my throat and mouth aching.
I think part of the problem, was that typically when I binge, I just run off the Calories, however many miles it takes. But yesterday I had a very important exam to study for and as I mentioned previously, I hurt my ankle the other day and it is still hurting. So I went upstairs to the bathroom.
I paced for some time, going into and out of the bathroom. To the bedroom. To the bathroom. To the bedroom. Back again. I also am not a very quiet purger. I tend to start out quiet, but if I go until there is nothing left, it gets noisy at the end, and I live in a fourplex right now where the only place in the building where you can really hear into the other residencies is in the bathroom because they are all adjacent and the sound travels so well through the walls there. I know my neighbors and I didn't want them to hear.

But I ended up doing it anyway. I just couldn't bear it. And it was vile and horrible. And today I am constantly reminded of it by the aching in the muscles of the floor of my mouth.

Let this be a reminder to have some self-control.
No more purging. No more bingeing.

I also decided to step on the scale today. I had my last final and I now have three and half weeks off. My goal is to lose 5 pounds in that time. I have the time to exercise so I have no excuse and I wanted to figure out what my "starting point" would be.
And I'm sure there is an aspect of dehydration from yesterday (although I tried to re-hydrate last night) but my weight was down a bit today. Unfortunately that almost seemed to reward the behavior...


  1. ugh,, it really is horrid... the feeling.. The smell.. does your eyes ache?? mine do...

    I really need to get moving.. I wish I was a runner.. Sometimes I dream of being able to run for hours without feeling like im gonna die...

    I guess the only option is to stop binging.. I just don't know how...

  2. I don't know if you read my blog regularly so I decided to post a comment here as well as my blog. I wanted to thank you for your insight (the comment about the doctor visit). I truly didn't see that side of things and what you said made me feel tons better. Thanks<3

  3. ED's are cruel and will always spring urges and compulsions on you even when you think you've completely left them behind. It's like you're never really safe.

    I think the most important thing is to treat it as a stumble and not anything to stress about so long as it doesn't re-emerge as an obsession again.