So I finally did something I haven't done in literally years.
I really thought I was past it. I hadn't done it in years. But I was studying for an exam and mindlessly downed probably close to 1,000 calories in trail mix.
And I didn't want to purge. I hate everything about it. I hate the way it smells, the way it looks, the way it leaves my throat and mouth aching.
I think part of the problem, was that typically when I binge, I just run off the Calories, however many miles it takes. But yesterday I had a very important exam to study for and as I mentioned previously, I hurt my ankle the other day and it is still hurting. So I went upstairs to the bathroom.
I paced for some time, going into and out of the bathroom. To the bedroom. To the bathroom. To the bedroom. Back again. I also am not a very quiet purger. I tend to start out quiet, but if I go until there is nothing left, it gets noisy at the end, and I live in a fourplex right now where the only place in the building where you can really hear into the other residencies is in the bathroom because they are all adjacent and the sound travels so well through the walls there. I know my neighbors and I didn't want them to hear.
But I ended up doing it anyway. I just couldn't bear it. And it was vile and horrible. And today I am constantly reminded of it by the aching in the muscles of the floor of my mouth.
Let this be a reminder to have some self-control.
No more purging. No more bingeing.
I also decided to step on the scale today. I had my last final and I now have three and half weeks off. My goal is to lose 5 pounds in that time. I have the time to exercise so I have no excuse and I wanted to figure out what my "starting point" would be.
And I'm sure there is an aspect of dehydration from yesterday (although I tried to re-hydrate last night) but my weight was down a bit today. Unfortunately that almost seemed to reward the behavior...