I started reading "The Best Little Girl in the World"
So far I think I like it. I'm not very far into it though.
Just opening the book brought back bad memories though. Memories from childhood.
Before the start of the book, there is a little rhyme:
Fat and Skinny had a race
All round the pillow case
Fat fell down and broke her face
Skinny said "Ha-ha! I won the race!"
I felt so mad when I read it.
My sister has always been very very skinny. She (like most members of my family) has an eating disorder. I don't know how long she has had it. I know since we were young but I don't know exactly what age. I know for a time she had been ordered by doctors that she wasn't allowed to eat anything that didn't have calories. That was when we were probably about eight or ten years old.
But for about three or four years (around the end of 3rd grade til maybe about 6th), I was pretty fat. I don't think I was obese (by BMI standards) but I might have been. And whenever my sister and I would walk into a room together, my grandmother would sing that rhyme:
Fat and Skinny had a race, Fat fell down and broke her face.
I just remember feeling so much shame. It wasn't enough that I had previously seen my mother cry about the fact that I was overweight. She hates fat people.
But for my grandmother to hate me for it too?
In my family, there is nothing worse than being stupid, and being fat is the same as being stupid. Being fat is a visible sign that you are lazy and stupid.
So I got skinny. And I stayed skinny up until I was about 22 and left the ballet company I was dancing in. I put on 50 pounds in two years, taking me from being just into the underweight BMI to just into the overweight BMI. It was such and awful feeling.
So I started losing again.
I'm no longer overweight, but I'm also not skinny. And I hate that. But I'm getting there. Slowly. But I'm getting there.