Drunkorexia with friends

I just keep cutting back my food intake so I can increase ethanol consumption.

I've also noticed man-friend seems to do the same thing. Does he have an eating disorder?? Am I projecting? He talks a lot about his obsessive self-control. He's really thin. And I see him almost every day now, he hardly eats, except for when he hasn't eaten all day and then pulls all of the food from his fridge and ravenously stuffs his face. He downs coffee like it's his job. When we hang out at night he eats little to none at all, and then drinks like a fish. As the drinks get stronger, he drinks faster. Even last night we ordered a pizza, thin crust, divided into probably around 30 slices (so, thin slices) and he probably ate two, which is the equivalent of less than one regular slice.

I also need to stop bringing up any things I'm working on or struggling with around him, because it inevitably leads to him bragging about how great his superhero wife is (the one I'm stalker-ishly jealous of). The day I mentioned the burden of my student loans, he mentioned how quickly she paid hers off. The day I discussed the struggles of the business aspect of being a doctor, he went on to explain what an incredible businesswoman she is. Last night I mentioned how I had been struggling to fit the exercise I need into my busy schedule but have been trying to ditch that as an excuse and so I went for two 2 mile runs yesterday because it was the best I could possibly do, and I definitely didn't have enough time to run more than that at one shot. He then proceeded to explain how even though his wife works 60 hours a week, she always manages to work out every day (which of course explains why she looks so damn good) and that he is always willing to watch the kids to allow her to do so because, as he stated, "Every guy wants their lady to look good."

Fucking fact. And it's not anything I didn't already know, and have actually addressed before in the context of wanting to look good around Husband's co-workers because I know how it bodes well for a man in society to have an attractive wife. It just would have been nicer to hear it in a context that didn't feel like "Hey in case you forgot, you are an inferior human being!"

Excuses on excuses.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I can't lose weight without exercising. Do I sound like a broken record?? I've been cutting back and cutting back and eating almost entirely fruits and vegetables with a few healthy fats and proteins thrown in, I haven't binged and I've even cut my alcohol intake in half and I haven't lost an ounce. Why? Hardly exercising at all.

It doesn't make logical sense, I should be losing if I was maintaining at one caloric intake and then decreased it. But not if you have a metabolism that crashes to the ground without regular cardio!

I need to run. But the only chances I get are at night, which is fine in better weather, but in the bitter cold is a guaranteed way to slip and fall on some unforeseen ice. I've been doing a little yoga, but not enough to actually amount to the calorie burn of a 10 mile run. I have a treadmill in my basement, but rarely use it because it's janky as hell (I got it for free) and the incline doesn't work at all AND WHAT IS RUNNING IF IT ISN'T UPHILL????

So mostly I'm full of shit excuses but I appreciate if you've read this far.

I think I did it.

After a hefty meal on one of the last days of 2016 (I no longer remember exactly which one), I wanted very badly to spill it all out in the bathroom. But then it occurred to me: I think 2016 was the first calendar year in many that I have not purged. 

I plan to read through my posts from last year to make sure I am telling the truth, but I think I actually did it. Maybe I can be done with that for good. 

There is another side of me that is thinking "Hey, I accomplished the goal, so I know I am capable, so what difference would it make if I went back to my old habits?? They obviously don't control me."

But for today I am going to choose to be optimistic and think that maybe I can keep my fingers out of my throat for good. 

Gearing up for the new year

I'm stressed out that I don't have some sort of plan in place for the new year.

1,000 Calories/day? Less?
Running "x" amount of miles?
Drinking more water?
Drinking less alcohol HAHAHAHA! Jokes.

I need to pick something. I started out last year well, and held to it pretty nicely until about May. The rest of the year was basically one big plateau. But I'm starting 2017 significantly smaller than 2016 so I consider that a win. I'm not where I want to be though and that's where I need to get my act together. Only a few days left of 2016.

Successfully social

I went out for dinner and drinks at a local brewery last night. Luckily Husband and I ordered two dishes to split, and a squash salad. I love when we share things because he has no real concept of how much I actually ate. I managed to do a lot of picking and very little actual eating. I did have three beers and would be happier if I had stopped at one or even two, but we all know how terrible I am at restricting alcohol. And at least I hadn't eaten since the smoothie I had for breakfast.

After dinner/drinks our friends invited us out to a party where there would be more food and drinking, but fortunately Husband was as tired as I was so we left the bar and were home and in bed by 8:45!

Small victories, but I'll take them.

Cuppa

Today's intake:

3 cups of coffee

5 cups of tea

1 Banana

Thursday's plan for going out to eat worked pretty well except I of course had 2 beers (worst part is, this is better than the 3 I often have) and 2 cheese curds. 

Friday I only had a few bites of things here and there but then had a glass of bourbon egg nog and 3 whiskey sours at night. 

Saturday I didn't eat all day because I knew I had Husband's work Christmas party, where I ate some raw veggies, a small piece of baked chicken and a dinner roll..... And drank a double scotch and 3 beers.

My food intake is so much easier to control than my drinking. I'd be dropping weight quickly I'm sure if I could quit the booze. Or even cut it in half. 

Social eating

I need to re-work my strategies. 

Losing weight was so easy before I was married and wasn't expected to have regular meals with some one I care about. And I really don't want him to notice my lack of eating. I have to say I'm envious of those of you who want people to notice. It's hard to actually lose anything when people are watching and I don't want them to think I'm trying to lose weight. It's easier to ignore food altogether when I'm hungry than to sit down and try to eat a modest portion. I end up way over-eating. 

Some thoughts on how to handle this.

Eating more slowly/Stopping when they stop - Slowing down would be tough, as I am already a slow eater. Even at a pace that feels ravenous to me, I'm still usually the last one done eating, so I am used to having every one watch me keep eating. I think what I need to do is consciously make the effort to realize when Husband or whomever else I'm sharing a meal has finished eating and just stop there. Don't keep going. 

Make/order things that are easy to pick at - A burger gets relatively scarfed. Salad can be pushed around a plate. Even fries can be picked at and stacked and moved around while not actually being consumed. 

A good friend of mine is one of the skinniest people I know, and she's very strategic. I pay close attention. Every one thinks she eats a lot and is magically skinny, but watching her habits, she's really quite genius. 

Example: We went out to eat the other night (her, her husband, my husband, and I) and she ordered a meal called the "plowman's picnic", which comes with a bunch of options for what to order. She decided to do soup, salad, and a large pretzel. She ordered the chicken chili for her soup, and when that came she stirred it for a while, took one small bite and then gave it to her husband, remarking that it was "too spicy". He then took a bite and stated that it wasn't spicy at all. She insisted it was for her. Easy to get away with because I would also add, she's pregnant. Then when our meals came out (various sandwiches, mine being a black bean burger) her salad and pretzel were on the plate together, dressing and dipping sauce on the side. She pulled apart the pretzel and picked at her salad. Added no dressing to her salad, never saw her actually take a bite of the pretzel, didn't even finish the salad. It still looked like she ate. She's good. 

Going to make a public attempt tonight. There is a beer event tonight at a burger place (that has the best veggie burger in the area) so I'm going to try to stick to one beer (damn you alcohol!) and only eat half of the veggie burger and 5 fries. If I get in a good run today and only consume the smoothie I made this morning, I should be okay.