Turn down for what?

I ended up turning down the job offer. I think I made the right choice because I feel a sense of relief I wasn't anticipating feeling by not taking it.

In food news, I started the week well, but yesterday I consumed roughly 3,000 Calories and the day before about 2,600. Damn beer and burgers. I have the whole day wide open right now, so I want to run to help burn off the excess, but my plantar fasciitis is currently flared up in my left foot, and while trying to run through that pain yesterday I ended up rolling my right ankle, so I have two sore lower extremities, which means no significant cardio today. Fortunately, Husband is working all day and has plans in the evening so I shouldn't have to eat today. Maybe I can at least do some cleaning and stuff to help keep moving.

6 Long

Last year when I was in the midst of my sordid weight gain, I went to Goodwill to purchase some pants that fit. Not that I don't shop at Goodwill anyway, but I was definitely not spending the money on a brand new pair of jeans because everything I owned was too small. At that point, I was between a US size 8 and 10. I'm tall, so I need to purchase a "Long" no matter the waist size. These are a not particularly easy to come by, so when I saw some size 6L on the rack, I grabbed them. I knew I couldn't squeeze into them at that point, but I planned to in the future. 

I continued to gain weight, and went all the way up to a size 12 (!) when I was 186 lbs. I never got to wear the jeans. They have been sitting on a shelf in my closet since the day I bought them.

Well, since I have been dropping weight this year, I have needed to go to Goodwill to get smaller jeans. Since my 10's are currently MUCH too big, I figured I would see if I could squeeze into the 6L's I bought. They fit! Actually, the one pair is a little loose (which is only a bummer because I hardly got to wear them, and hopefully soon they will be too big to wear at all, but it's a bummer I will take!). 

All of this of course makes me want to weigh myself because I am curious, but I'm going to wait until April 1st. If the pounds aren't down, it might spoil some of the euphoria of physically being smaller. 

In answer to your question Lucy, it's a different job. I'm not sure any dollar amount would convince me to go back to work for crazy-lady. At least it would have to be RIDICULOUSLY high. This other job is the one in the brewery. It was a fun job, but the pay was not good for the work/knowledge/commute required and the schedule was difficult. I also didn't care for the brewery owner (how he did business). The pay raise they offered me is significant, and salary (as opposed to hourly like I had before) but the hours would still be a little difficult, but not terrible. I don't know. Husband and I have been weighing the pros and cons of taking it vs. not taking it and neither of us has a clue what the best decision would be. I told them I would have an answer for them today so by the next time I post, I'll be able to let you guys know what I decided. 

Any one who says they can't be bought is a liar.

The job that I quit last month called me and offered me a lot of money to come back. I'm considering it.

It's all about balance

Today's intake has been:

Green juice + Tilapia + Cashews = 400 Calories

Craft Beer = 700 Calories

In other news, this blog just passed 20,000 views, and I think you're all nuts. There's nothing worth reading here.

But on a hypocritical note, I'm glad I know you all. I miss many who haven't posted in years, who felt like friends, but had the obvious ability to disappear into thin air.

Weekend update

Thursday night: was drinking heavily and secretly throwing the leftover half of Husband's grilled cheese sandwich out the car door on the way home (when neither of us should have been driving, but both of us were because we showed up to the bar separately) and letting him think I ate it while I drove home.

Friday night: was trying to avoid the brownies I made for the friends we had over. I opted for more ice cream so that my dish of dessert looked bigger, while the ice cream had a significantly lower caloric density than the brownies.

Saturday night: was home-made cast iron pan pizza with lots of wine, while being grateful I had been "too busy to eat" the entire day leading up to it.

Sunday night: was snacks at a friends house instead of dinner. Two bites of a brownie, 1 cup of popcorn, and about 3 ounces of lemonade that should have just been a full glass of water. I don't even really like lemonade.

Every single day was over 1,000 Calories which is not a good way to start the month. In typical fashion, I have been great throughout the week and then fuck things up on weekends. But it's tricky. The key is to eat little to none during the day and get in as much exercise as I can, so that I can eat and drink in front of people when we go out and still end the day under 1,000. That way I can be like all of the other skinny liars that say "oh, I don't know how I've lost so much weight, look how much I eat!" except my version is "oh, I guess I've just lost weight because I have been running so much and haven't increased my food intake enough!"
Because all of my overweight friends hate to run, and that way they won't think I'm lying, they'll just feel shitty that they aren't running.

Funny weird, or funny ha-ha?

Remember that sense of humor thing? I had only made it about 3.5 miles yesterday when I tripped over my dog and crashed to the ground. I banged up my knee and hip pretty nicely, and when I got up I tried to run again I was in too much pain, so I hobbled the mile it was from there back to my house. So much for that. And I had wanted to run again today, but my leg it still sore, and it snowed/rained last night so the sidewalks probably suck today, so I'll probably just stay in and do some yoga and keep my intake low.

Be well!

Adipose insulation

Since I posted my weight yesterday, and I had a good restricting day yesterday, I decided to step on the scale this morning, just to prove to myself that I was in control and posting my weight was not going to make the numbers rise. 

167.0

Fuck me. Don't ever think God doesn't have a sense of humor. 

At least it's motivating me to get moving today. I did my Tuesday 5 am PiYo yesterday, but aside from that got very little physical activity. 

And tonight, some friends of our are having a soft opening of their new taproom downtown so we will be going out and drinking, which means probably a good 400 Calories worth of beer I will consume. I would love to be motivated enough to only have one drink, but I'm quite certain I won't be able to stop at one. I'm just motivated enough to try to run at least 5 miles today to prepare for the damage. Ten miles would be better. 

Also I'm cold. This has me concerned that my metabolism is slowing too much. I've always run really hot. My whole life, always hot and sweating. The past week I have been freezing. When Husband got home from work last night, I was at home wearing thick socks, thick winter leggings, knit leg warmers, two shirts, a sweatshirt and my winter jacket. In the house. He laughed, and just said "What are you wearing?? You look ridiculous!" 

He knows I refuse to turn the heat up. It was already up to 68, which is warmer than we usually keep it because we both run hot and hate paying the high heating bill. 

How can I be this cold with all of this excess adipose insulation on my body???

Weights

Thanks again for your comments. I appreciate them. As far as posting my weight, it's not so much about embarrassment as it is superstition. Because I have posted my weight in the past, because I do feel like sharing it, but without fail, each time, it always goes up after I do. So it freaks me out. I think most people here can probably relate to weird superstitions.

But as I said, I need to stop being so superstitious and realize that my weight has to do with my actions, and not random acts of blogging.

So here goes.

That high weight posted on the side of the blog? That was this past fall. Prior to last fall, the highest I had ever reached was 180 lbs, and that was always my tipping point (I reached it twice because I have no self-control). But this past fall before I quit my job, I saw 180 and just couldn't bring myself to drop it. I kept eating. And I wasn't exercising, at least not significantly.  It was bad news. I think it was kind of a personal rebellion against my boss. You can read about her here. She only hired me because I was slim, athletic, and pretty, and I think my constant eating in the office and subsequent weight gain was me giving her the middle finger. (note: there were many reasons I quit that job, on top of it not being a healthy environment, I ended up leaving because she wasn't paying me. There was talk of raises, bonuses, et cetera, to make up for how little she was paying me, but they never came, so I left)

Shortly after I quit was when I saw that horrific 186 lbs (BMI 27.5, yuck) But the holidays always trigger me (a lot of us actually, if you look at the blogging community around November/December) to want to lose weight. I think the whole seeing family, going to parties, getting ready for a new year, being surrounded by fattening food just wakes me up to how much I don't want to be the "fat friend". And there's the whole control thing.

So anyway, today is March 1st, and I'm not making the progress I had hoped to for how much I have been restricting and exercising, but I'm still headed in the right direction so I'm determined to keep going. This morning I was 166.0 (BMI 24.5, at least I'm in the normal range again)
Still huge. Still above what I consider my "I may be fat but at least I can be seen in public" weight (which is below 160). It's only going to be cold for a few more days and then next week spring is supposed to arrive, which means I can't hide under sweatshirts and jackets for much longer. And the next 20 lbs are going to be harder than the first.

Do I have a goal weight? Not really. I mean, I've always liked the idea of 123. It's a BMI of 18.2, which means I would be underweight, but close enough to a normal range that if any one got "concerned" I could easily lie by a few pounds and say I was in the normal range and no one had any reason to be concerned. (Because even when I was 150 lbs two years ago, people thought I was "thin enough" and "definitely shouldn't lose any more weight") And realistically, I have fairly prominent bones when I'm thin. I look back at pictures of myself even at 135 lbs (BMI  19.9) and I see bones.
In addition to a good BMI, those are such nice chronological-looking number. 1, 2, 3.

We'll see