Who knew the calorie was a unit of energy?!

JK guys. I knew the calorie was a unit of energy -- which is why I capitalize the C when referring to kcals, cause that's what you do in physics. 

Anyway.

Not expecting to be in the 150's at the beginning of June. I did a little damage control after the last binge, but I also spent the last week visiting family on the East Coast. The first couple of days I did exceptionally well, but Saturday night we had a party and I probably consumed at least 1,000 Calories in alcohol alone, on top of eating cake, chips, fruit salad, cheese, and a shit-ton of olives. The days following were not as horrific but I can guarantee you I did not run a deficit. Too much booze. Too much food. 

I couldn't help but notice how much energy I had the whole time. I didn't need my usual intravenous supply of caffeine. Aside from the party, I wasn't stuffing my face, just eating when other people ate, and what they ate. Eggs and a biscuit for breakfast, salad and sandwich for lunch, Pho for dinner. I was never hungry, but I ate like a "normal" person. This gave me a supply of energy I haven't felt in months. Even today, being my first day back, I felt like I could have run forever. The only reason I stopped is because it was hot out and the dog was getting exhausted and I wanted to get him home before he over-heated.

The problems with never feeling hungry are that a) I will never lose weight that way, and b) if I'm not hungry, I feel fat. I feel as if my arms are swollen balloons, smashed into my upper back fat; like my stomach is billowing out over my thighs like a rolling tide; my thighs that resemble those of an elephant, smashing their way down to my cankles. I told my husband the other day I feel like I walk like a fat person. He laughed and said "At least you pick up your feet when you walk." He didn't say I was wrong. 

I know most people look at their reflection or photos of themselves and see all of their flaws. They poke and prod at their bodies because of all of the fat parts they see. I don't tend to do this. Occasionally, yes, but mostly my behavior is spawned by the way I feel. I have too look at my reflection to remind myself that I at least look somewhat normal. That it is unlikely every one around me is staring at me and thinking "gross". I know I don't look like a supermodel, but if I can catch a glimpse of myself sitting next to my friends and family and compare our reflections and see that I am, in fact, the same size as many, smaller than most, and only larger than a few, I shouldn't feel so panicked that I am such a whale. How do you get past this? Is it possible to get out of your own head and not feel so large. Or at least not focus on feeling so large?

On last night's binge....

First off, in response to Bella, I'll be interested to see where the show goes. I'm only around the end of season 2, though I've seen a few episodes from other seasons. I keep seeing links on the sidebar to the episodes with kids, but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch those either.

And about my blog post title? Drunken binge. Typically my job at the bar is actually very conducive to proper restricting. It keeps me on my feet and too busy to even think about food. Last night however was dead and there were two guys who come in fairly often who were chatting with me and buying me drinks all night. It was certainly a more enjoyable evening having them there, but the Calories from the alcohol alone were devastating, thinking back on it. Then when I got home, disaster struck. I was drunk, and had eaten hardly anything for a couple of days. So I cooked up not one, but TWO BOXES of mac n cheese, and ate peanut butter directly from the jar while doing it. I can't imagine what this sight looks like. I'm sure Husband could hear me banging around in the kitchen as I drunkenly prepared and scarfed my food. I feel ill just thinking about it. The worst part about drunken binges is that I typically run off the damage of a binge the next day, but dehydration kills my running abilities. It's not that I won't go. I have to. I can't let that mess sit in my system. It's just that I don't think I'd make it the 15 miles it would take to make a binge like that into something slightly less horrific. So I'm going to spend the morning doing my best to re-hydrate so hopefully I can do some proper sort of damage control this afternoon. If I can at least knock out 6 miles that's around 700 Calories, which would be about one of those boxes of mac n cheese. 

Fuck.

"I avoided the Cheetos until the alcohol sank in; I avoided the guilt until the alcohol wore off." Lina

Supersize vs. Superskinny

Lately I've been avoiding responsibilities and binge watching Supersize vs. Superskinny. It's pretty good motivation. The tiny people are something to strive for, the large people are something to avoid becoming.

The one thing I find fairly interesting is just how MUCH the skinny people usually supposedly eat, and I have to wonder if it's legitimate, or if the producers of the show just don't want the general public thinking they can subsist on so little. Every time they go over the two individual's daily intakes, the underweight people are consuming usually between 1500 and 1700 Calories each day. They throw out those numbers and talk about how you're supposed to eat 2,000 each day, and only consuming 1700 is this massive "undereat" but most of us know that cutting down to 1700 is not going to have an impact. Our metabolism will just accommodate. Additionally, when they explain the daily intakes of these people (a granola bar, a piece of fruit, a candy bar) when I mentally add all of that up, it totals closer to 800. I know theoretically, cutting Calories to 1700 per day should result in weight loss, but let's face it, it doesn't. Especially when I tell you that for the past couple of weeks that's about what I have been consuming and I guarantee I haven't lost anything. I can feel it.

In typical paranoid food obsessed thinking, I obviously think they are lying.

You know what we say today? Who cares!

Thanks friends for your kind words. After I posted the last time I decided I couldn't take it, I had to see the 150's. So without food or water I spent a couple of hours exercising. I know that what I dropped in those hours was entirely water weight, but I just HAD to see the 150's, and I did. That afternoon I stepped on the scale to 158.0.

I haven't weighed since then because of course that number wouldn't have stuck around. Immediately after getting off the scale I went downstairs and slammed 24 oz. of water, so that alone would've basically brought me back up to 160. But it doesn't matter. I just needed to see it, and seeing it has kept me motivated these past few days.

As far as the Jazzercise goes, I took a second class and stood away from the fan, and sure enough I was sweating like crazy. So maybe I did burn more than I thought the first time. It's a fun class. I don't think I love it enough that I will keep going after the free month is up, but I do enjoy it enough to go for free. Plus the place is so close that walking there and back gives me almost 2 miles of extra walking each time I go so that helps too.

I really liked the instructor for the second class I took too. She's been teaching Jazzercise for 30 years and she was so much fun! At one point when she was talking about contracting your glutes she said "Ya know, 30 years ago we used to say 'Squeeze your glutes or no one else will' but you know what we say today? 'Who cares!..... Not gonna squeeze my glutes? Fine by me!' " Haha. I just loved her attitude. She also did a hilarious Mick Jagger impression when the song Moves Like Jagger came on.

Net Zero

Yesterday was my first day in probably a year that my net Calorie intake was 0.

700 in
700 out

I know that's terrible for your metabolism, to net 0, but I can't help it. I need to be in the 150's. Because I had so little yesterday, I thought I might step on the scale today just in case I had even a water weight difference.

160.0

And that's why I wait a month between weighing.

My friend is coming over to my house this morning to dye my hair. Getting some summer blonde. My hair is naturally dark blonde, but I'm ready for summer hair. Hopefully having nicer hair will be extra motivation to get my body to match my hair.

In other news, I went to my first Jazzercise class this morning. Even the most modest calculations online said that for a 160 lb person, you burn at least 350 Calories in a Jazzercise class. It didn't feel like it. I'm naturally a very sweaty person and when I'm really working I get drenched in sweat. I hardly broke a sweat in this class. Of course I was standing in front of a fan, so maybe my internal calculations were off.

Whatever. I'm logging it as 200.

Hopeful but not expecting

160.0

Another three pound month, but honestly I should be grateful. When I look at everything I consumed over the past month and how little my exercise was for about 2 straight weeks of April, I should be happy for any kind of loss at all. I was really hoping to be in the 150's by now. I should be in the 150's by now. But hunger has led to a few binges and I'm so set on not purging. That coupled with a lot of social gatherings has meant too many days with too small a deficit. Even if I didn't break into another weight milestone, I did drop below a 24 BMI. So that's also a plus. Additionally, a friend of mine whom I haven't seen much in the past couple of months came over last night and commented on my weight loss (something that should be good positive reinforcement, but always makes me uncomfortable). She asked what I have been doing. I told her cutting back food, running, and yoga, which is true. I didn't explain to what extent, though in the past month my overall calorie consumption doesn't look that far off from what a normal person would eat so I'm really not hiding anything. It just feels like a ton compared to earlier in the year. Compared to what I should be eating.

The proximity of my current weight to the next milestone (read: the 150's, so really only one pound away) is motivating me to put my nose to the grindstone. The past two days I have been restricting well, and keeping active so hopefully I keep this up.

In other positive news, Jazzercise is having a promotion where all through the month of May ALL classes are completely free. As in, you can take as many as you want. I've never done it before, but their website boasts that you can burn up to 800 Calories in one class so I'm definitely going to try it. Even if I don't enjoy it very much, I should be able to keep it up for a month if it's free. It's also less than a mile from my house so realistically I could walk there.

Also, I wish my thighs weren't so large. I know, who doesn't wish that, but I have gotten smaller and all of my size 6 shorts and jeans are plenty big in the waist, and I want to get 4's so badly, but I can't yet fit my massive thighs into them.

Keep working.