This may become a sobriety blog

 Still here. Life is just so busy it's hard to get on here much anymore. 

Weight still fluctuates. Not uncommon after having a baby. Lose some, gain some, lose some. 

I'm down to my lowest weight since having my daughter, but not as low as I was before she was born. Very close though. 

Alcohol is my biggest issue TBH. I'm not a super heavy drinker by modern standards, but three drinks is enough to spark a binge and that's the problem. I typically only drink on Friday and Saturday nights these days, but I always end up having more than I want to and then I eat too much and just over all feel like garbage for the next two days. I really want to give it up entirely but it's so ingrained into our lifestyle that that feels impossible. 

I've been playing around with intermittent fasting. Not the every day kind (like 16:8 or whatever) but longer fasts less often. Mostly for my gut/skin health. 

I was on antibiotics when my son was born (just realizing I haven't posted since I had him... had a boy! He's wonderful and healthy and happy and now over a year old, and I have much to be thankful for).

Being two weeks past my due date and having a few complications near the end, I opted for another c-section. Had antibiotics for that. Then my incision came open in the hospital and I had to have it re-stitched and cauterized and was then on 24 hours of IV antibiotics to address that... but it got infected anyway and I was on another week of antibiotics after that. Then last fall I had pneumonia and was on prednisone and MORE antibiotics..... All of this resulting in dyshidrotic eczema (yay for painful itchy blisters on my hands and feet!) and in researching how to deal with that I've learned a lot more about intermittent fasting (I had learned some in the past from some continuing education I had to do for my professional license) and decided to try a 24 water fast, then about a month later a 40 hour water fast, and about a month later a 48 hour water fast. I'm amazed at how much better my skin is after each fast. 

I know in this space fasting is so common but I honestly feel like in the past I don't know how much full fasting I did. I would usually eat some cucumbers and an egg or something even on days I was keeping my calories below 300. But just water (and I add in a couple of cups of peppermint tea) for a couple days with no vegetables or anything? I don't know. I'd honestly have to look at old blog posts to see if I have done that in the past. I had so many bizarre habits that it's entirely possible I went multiple days without anything at all but I can't remember. I know I usually ended up having to eat something socially in the past. 

But fasting for other health reasons (and my husband of course knows about the eczema) is much more socially acceptable than for weight loss reasons (though weight loss has come with it).

The biggest challenge is communicating it to my daughter. I don't want her to have a lot of childhood memories of "mom not eating". She has such a great relationship with food, she loves everything (she ate a plate of grilled salmon, broccoli, and gnocchi for dinner tonight and loved every bite) and eats to fuel herself and I want that for her. But I also feel like I need to model that and it's hard when we all eat dinner together and "mom isn't eating". At her age, I just tell her it's because "mommy's tummy doesn't feel good" and she's fine with that, and when she's much older I'm comfortable with having conversations about intermittent fasting and how to do it in a healthy way, but at her young age I know it's only really coming across as "mom's not eating". Ugh. Tricky waters to navigate. 

Alcohol:
Flares up my eczema
Is full of empty calories
Leads to excessive eating
Ruins my sleep
Makes me feel like garbage for days after drinking it
Costs a lot of money

It's funny how people I know or have read about who have stopped drinking say people give them a lot of flack for it. 
Whenever I meet someone who doesn't drink, the only thing I think is "lucky".

But still a partake. Hopefully by my next update I'll be done drinking. 

Past my due date

Just like last time, baby is past due.

Baby has measured large this whole time. Currently estimating over nine and a half pounds, plus apparently large babies have more amniotic fluid so my abdomen feels like it's going to explode. It also looks like it. 

I gained more weight with my daughter than this pregnancy, but got fewer stretch marks last time. I've only gained about 16 pounds total this pregnancy but the stretch marks started when I had only gained 6 pounds. Meanwhile people like my sister or friend who delivered twins can gain over 40 pounds and not get any stretch marks. 

I've used every recommended moisturizer and then some, hydrated, eaten healthy foods.... Still going to look like a deflated balloon for the rest of my life. 

Hating my body. Not just how it looks, but functions as well. My body doesn't produce much relaxin while pregnant so my cervix never dilates, my breasts don't develop so I can't breastfeed very well (don't let anyone tell you breastfeeding is purely "supply and demand"... there's A LOT more to it than that). I always wanted 3-5 kids but I don't think I can birth another one. My body wasn't made for this and I hate it. I wish adoption wasn't so expensive but then again this is probably God's way of telling me I probably shouldn't be a mother anyway.

I'm sure anyone who has struggled to conceive would call me selfish, and maybe I am, but this sucks and I hate myself. 

Quick update

 22 weeks in. No weight gain yet. I realize that even if I gain a pound a week from now until my due date, it would only be about 18 pounds. Since I lost somewhere close to 25 pounds just giving birth to my daughter, even if I only gained the 18 and then lost 18, I wouldn't have a net gain which would be VERY good. As of a few days ago, I was thinking it was realistic that I might be able to only gain the necessary ten pounds (since my starting weight is high enough, I don't need to gain much) but the past 72 hours I have been INSATIABLY hungry. Agh! 

Feeling like it could get too easy to go overboard. 

I have a close friend who only gained ten pounds her whole pregnancy and then lost 20 in labor/delivery and was a glorious ten pounds thinner than her pre-pregnancy weight when she had a newborn. 

That would certainly help take the edge off of all of the other newborn struggles. To not have any extra "baby weight" while you're sleep-deprived and stagnant those first couple of months. 

Another year gone by

 I can't believe it's been another year since my last post. Where does the time go?

I've often wanted to post on here but I am pretty much always either working or with my daughter so the opportunities are rare. 

After my last post, I gained another ten pounds. Mostly from alcohol. Then, last fall I got shingles IN my MOUTH (I didn't even know you could get shingles in your mouth) and was on my couch in excruciating pain for a week and literally could not eat for a week. I sipped bone broth for a little protein but that was the most I could get. I probably had about 400 calories a day for a week straight and lost seven pounds (plus another 5 pounds of water weight but that came back as soon as I ate again). It made me feel good, and since I had been on so many painkillers that week I was motivated to not drink for a while for the sake of my liver and I lost another 7 pounds in the next seven weeks. 

I haven't lost much since then, spring weather and a decrease in covid cases meant more socializing which meant more eating and drinking, but I haven't gained anything in while. 

Which is especially good since.... I'm pregnant again. 

My daughter is AMAZING and hilarious and wonderful so the thought of having another is exciting, but the weight is scaring me. I sometimes wonder what would've happened with no pandemic. I didn't gain much weight until the last month of my pregnancy when the world was shut down and I couldn't even go to work. 

I know most of my weight gain came AFTER she was born, but I still had ten extra pounds on me immediately following her birth.  

I'm three months in and haven't gained anything yet, so I'm off to a good start, but since I had recently lost some weight, was hoping to lose more before getting pregnant again. Oh well. We work with what we've got. 

And I'm always working on it. 

A year later

It was weird to read my post from last April. I forgot about so many things that had been running through my head. 

My daughter ended up being born 10 days late. And in that time, not being able to work, or go anywhere, or do anything, I gained an additional 7 pounds, which put my total pregnancy weight gain at about 32 pounds. Not astronomical. I came home from the hospital only down 5 pounds (even though my daughter weighed almost 8!) because I had to have an emergency c-section they pump you full of so much fluid, I looked like the Pillsbury dough boy. But after about 10 days, the fluid went down and I found I was only ten pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Should've been easy to lose.....

Then came the struggle with breastfeeding. I spent ALL of my time (and hired a lactation consultant) nursing and pumping to try to feed my daughter. I wasn't against supplementing with formula, but she ended up being allergic to every formula I tried, so that was off the table, and donor milk was scarce. What a stressful time.

There's this idea that breastfeeding just dumps calories out of your body, and it can, but when you hardly produce any milk, you don't sacrifice many calories. (I ended up supplementing with goat milk, which got her the extra calories she wasn't getting from me, but wasn't the nutritional equivalent of breast milk or formula so I still had to keep trying)

So with every spare minute I had being spent sitting on my couch, either pumping or nursing, every time I cut my calories my meager milk supply would decrease, and I was in so much pain from the c-section, I not only didn't lose the 10 pounds I gained.... I gained 20 MORE! I currently weigh around what I did when I was nine months pregnant. Ugh. It hurts just typing that. Once my daughter started solids at the end of last year, I didn't stress quite as much about losing my milk supply because I knew she wouldn't starve if I ran out. 

So I've been cutting my food calories pretty successfully, but I'm back to drinking too much. When I first had a full drink after my daughter was born I noticed how quickly I got intoxicated after not drinking for so many months. I was excited but of course, I have steadily increased it so now it takes at least FOUR drinks for me to hit a level of intoxication that causes me to stop (more if I have eaten something). I don't want to black out.... I just want to numb. But that's hundreds of extra calories and I'm consuming them almost every day. 

I didn't drink anything last night. And I slept great. And I feel better today than I normally do. Obviously. Why can't I just give it up entirely? Alcoholism runs in my family so this shouldn't shock me. 

I need to get my shit together. If not for myself..... the fact that I have a daughter has really changed my perspectives on how I treat myself, especially around her. I grew up with a mother that loathed herself (and still does) and we don't have a good relationship. Needless to say, her self-loathing wore off on her daughters (who might as well be genetic clones of her). She was always dieting. She's miserable. I don't want my daughter to grow up with a mother like that. My sister has two daughters (around 9 and 11 years old) and I can tell they're noticing that their mother starves herself and drinks too much. My sister claims they don't, but I see it. And we were very aware of our mother's behavior. My sister is clearly in denial. 

I have more thoughts but my daughter just woke up so I'll try to update again later. 

Pregnancy and Pandemic

I appreciate the previous comments on my last post. I haven't been on here much since my last post. It's been weird dealing with my body's changes. I didn't think it would be this difficult.

It's probably made worse by this COVID pandemic. My midwife urged me to stop working early since my job includes being in close proximity to my patients and the hospital where I plan to deliver has strong restrictions for sick people right now.

I just sit around at home and eat. Most days I can at least motivate myself to walk the dogs and clean the house a little.

The weather has been cold and windy most days so it sucks for going outside.

And today we have a clogged sewer line causing water to back up into our basement, so for today, cleaning is out the window.

The pandemic put our remodeling project on hold (no one wants to go into other people's houses) so I can't get the baby's room ready.

And all the birthing websites talk about how now is the time to "pamper" myself by taking a "babymoon," getting a haircut, a massage, a pedicure, etc.... None of which I can do, because all of those businesses are closed due to the virus.

So I just sit at home inside my own head. I should take the opportunity to exercise like crazy. Supposed to help baby come out faster anyway. But I've been feeling super down and it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything.

My goal for only gaining 15 lbs disappeared at the start of the pandemic. I was doing okay until the beginning of March. I've already gained 25 lbs in total (about half of that in the past 7 weeks), and I have perhaps 2 or more weeks to go. I'm hoping baby shows up early. I know that's rare for a first, but it would be really nice to get baby out of me.

I know 25 lbs is not record-breaking weight gain for a pregnancy, many women gain much more, but I was hoping I wouldn't. Feels like failure.

They say the ninth month of pregnancy is the longest month ever, but I would argue it's MUCH longer when the whole country is at a standstill.

Pregnancy Update

I've gained a pound since my last post. That still puts me two pounds below my starting weight.
If I was to gain 15 pounds starting today, that would require a 300 Cal per day surplus. I think I've been getting close to that the past few days. I haven't been counting. I started to the first few weeks but it was driving me mad so I had to stop. Now I just estimate, which is a little scary because I don't want to go overboard.

Also my stomach is starting to protrude a little. I've mostly been hiding it under over-sized sweaters because I don't look pregnant yet, I just look bloated. Ugh. Looking forward to actually looking pregnant. Also my boobs are bigger which is weird to get used to because I've been so small in the chest my whole life.
Rapid body changes are scary.

Thanks for your kind words Lucy, It's hard to take care of myself but I'm trying.