Welcome new followers! Sorry you picked this point in time to start following me. I haven't been posting much because all I have really been doing is working a lot and don't have much interesting to say.
But yesterday was nice. Husband took me to a microbrewery in this really cool little town in the afternoon and then we had dinner in a city about an hour from here. It was nice.
The only downside was the heat. I wore a dress because it was almost a hundred degrees out. But I hate the way my legs look in dresses, so that made it less enjoyable. Can it just be snowing again? I need my jeans and sweatshirts. I hate my extremities so much. My stomach is pretty flat but years of dancing and mountain biking have given way to extra large calf muscles and they really need to be kept hidden. If they are covered I can trick the world into thinking I'm not fat.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sort of explanation. Sort of.
A couple of you had similar comments on my last post and I started to respond in there, but I figured I would just post a new blog entry. I would first like to say that I am not offended by our comments, a) because every one is entitled to speak their mind and b) because you are absolutely right.
The fact that I haven't been entirely honest with my husband about my food issues bothers me occasionally, but there are a lot of reasons behind it too. There is no denying my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past and he has noticed. And I have told him that I "used to" have issues with eating, and that I occasionally still do, but that I am a lot better about it; which is true in large part because they used to be a lot worse. My family is riddled with eating disorders from my great aunts and grandmother on my dad's side, to my mother and my sister and he knows about these. And when I lived near them, my issues were far worse. Since moving far away from them six or seven years ago, I have allowed my behavior to settle down a little. I restrict less, I don't purge anymore and I haven't even passed out since the day I moved away. I am hoping that at some point I will start to feel genuinely healthy again.
Why then do I have this blog? Doesn't that just instigate the behavior? Surprisingly, no. I started this blog as an outlet, in large part because I don't like to talk to people about my food issues, particularly not my husband. I originally started this blog before I even met my husband, and have since deleted it and re-started it a couple of times, but I talk to people on here because you understand. And for some reason when I am talking about my thoughts on food and my behavior, I realize how ridiculous I feel (note, I am not calling you ridiculous. I am just stating the way I personally feel) and I tend to act more normal. Every time I have deleted my blog, my behavior in real life just gets worse. It's almost like having a therapist.
The reason I don't talk to my husband about it is that for all of his wonderful, amazing qualities, empathy is not one. He is a "fix it" kind of guy and very in control of his life. His whole family is like that. They aren't jerks by any means, but if something is wrong, you just fix it. If you are sad, be sad for a little bit and then just be happy again. Don't have a job? Get one. When my husband decided to stop smoking pot, he just did. When he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went on a diet and lost 30 pounds in a few weeks. It's just how he is. It's the reason no appliance in our house is ever broken for more than 10 minutes, but it's also the reason I don't talk to him about my food issues. Because I can't seem to just "fix it" so there isn't much point in talking about it.
But his attitude is also one of the things that helps me through it. Knowing how he handles things motivates me to try and do that same. I don't get as emotional over things as I used to, which is actually helping me get through my issues with food. I deal with things as they come to the extent that I can, and when I have done everything I can do, I let it go. It's amazing how much of my life has changed since experiencing my husband's "fix it" attitude. It's what gives me hope that I may, in fact, be able to gain control of my weight related behavior.
So while it is technically a bit of a lie by omission, I have told him much of my past issues, I just don't divulge every thought I have on a daily basis because I don't need to.
I do appreciate your comments though. I am glad you feel like you can be honest with me and I hope you continue to in the future.
The fact that I haven't been entirely honest with my husband about my food issues bothers me occasionally, but there are a lot of reasons behind it too. There is no denying my weight has fluctuated a lot in the past and he has noticed. And I have told him that I "used to" have issues with eating, and that I occasionally still do, but that I am a lot better about it; which is true in large part because they used to be a lot worse. My family is riddled with eating disorders from my great aunts and grandmother on my dad's side, to my mother and my sister and he knows about these. And when I lived near them, my issues were far worse. Since moving far away from them six or seven years ago, I have allowed my behavior to settle down a little. I restrict less, I don't purge anymore and I haven't even passed out since the day I moved away. I am hoping that at some point I will start to feel genuinely healthy again.
Why then do I have this blog? Doesn't that just instigate the behavior? Surprisingly, no. I started this blog as an outlet, in large part because I don't like to talk to people about my food issues, particularly not my husband. I originally started this blog before I even met my husband, and have since deleted it and re-started it a couple of times, but I talk to people on here because you understand. And for some reason when I am talking about my thoughts on food and my behavior, I realize how ridiculous I feel (note, I am not calling you ridiculous. I am just stating the way I personally feel) and I tend to act more normal. Every time I have deleted my blog, my behavior in real life just gets worse. It's almost like having a therapist.
The reason I don't talk to my husband about it is that for all of his wonderful, amazing qualities, empathy is not one. He is a "fix it" kind of guy and very in control of his life. His whole family is like that. They aren't jerks by any means, but if something is wrong, you just fix it. If you are sad, be sad for a little bit and then just be happy again. Don't have a job? Get one. When my husband decided to stop smoking pot, he just did. When he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went on a diet and lost 30 pounds in a few weeks. It's just how he is. It's the reason no appliance in our house is ever broken for more than 10 minutes, but it's also the reason I don't talk to him about my food issues. Because I can't seem to just "fix it" so there isn't much point in talking about it.
But his attitude is also one of the things that helps me through it. Knowing how he handles things motivates me to try and do that same. I don't get as emotional over things as I used to, which is actually helping me get through my issues with food. I deal with things as they come to the extent that I can, and when I have done everything I can do, I let it go. It's amazing how much of my life has changed since experiencing my husband's "fix it" attitude. It's what gives me hope that I may, in fact, be able to gain control of my weight related behavior.
So while it is technically a bit of a lie by omission, I have told him much of my past issues, I just don't divulge every thought I have on a daily basis because I don't need to.
I do appreciate your comments though. I am glad you feel like you can be honest with me and I hope you continue to in the future.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Here is some news for you
I have become so obsessed with my weight, I don't even have to step on the scale. Seriously.
And because I like to prove myself right to any one and every one, I have decided to demonstrate it to my husband. Each morning when I get up, I pee and then tell my husband how much I weigh before I step on the scale. Right down to the half pound (which is as accurate as my digital scale scale is). EVERY. Single. morning... I am dead on. Exactly right. There is no eager anticipation waiting for the number to show up. I can feel it. I can feel every pound I gain and lose and I know numerically what it is. My husband can't believe it. He doesn't know about my food issues, I hide them well. But he is amazed how morning after morning I know exactly what those four digits are going to be before I even step on. Gained four pounds of water weight? Guessed it. Lost three point five pounds yesterday because all I had was water? Right on. EVERY. Single. morning.
Five years of college and a hundred thousand dollars down the drain and I finally have a skill I can use.
And because I like to prove myself right to any one and every one, I have decided to demonstrate it to my husband. Each morning when I get up, I pee and then tell my husband how much I weigh before I step on the scale. Right down to the half pound (which is as accurate as my digital scale scale is). EVERY. Single. morning... I am dead on. Exactly right. There is no eager anticipation waiting for the number to show up. I can feel it. I can feel every pound I gain and lose and I know numerically what it is. My husband can't believe it. He doesn't know about my food issues, I hide them well. But he is amazed how morning after morning I know exactly what those four digits are going to be before I even step on. Gained four pounds of water weight? Guessed it. Lost three point five pounds yesterday because all I had was water? Right on. EVERY. Single. morning.
Five years of college and a hundred thousand dollars down the drain and I finally have a skill I can use.
Lack of posting
Sorry I haven't been posting much. I haven't really had anything of interest to say. I gained a few pounds, but I lost them, so what else is new.
I just would rather not post at all than bore you with posts about nothing.
I promise, once something of interest happens I will be posting.
I just would rather not post at all than bore you with posts about nothing.
I promise, once something of interest happens I will be posting.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sicky
I have been sick the past couple of days. I had a fever yesterday and today so I stayed home from work. I always feel bad doing that because I know how much it sucks to go in to work when you aren't scheduled.
I am feeling a bit better tonight though, so hopefully I will be better enough by tomorrow that I will be able to go in.
In the meantime, I have spent all day on the couch drinking echinacea tea and watching 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Supersize vs. Superskinny.
On the plus side, I can't smell a thing so nothing tastes like anything so all I have eaten is some pineapple, some cucumber and a few bites of cereal.
I am feeling a bit better tonight though, so hopefully I will be better enough by tomorrow that I will be able to go in.
In the meantime, I have spent all day on the couch drinking echinacea tea and watching 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Supersize vs. Superskinny.
On the plus side, I can't smell a thing so nothing tastes like anything so all I have eaten is some pineapple, some cucumber and a few bites of cereal.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Absentee
Sorry I have been so absent. Work has been taking up all of my time during the day, then at night I am Holly Housewife so I haven't been on here. Although many of the people who follow this blog have been deciding to go healthier lifestyles (which is cool and I fully encourage) so probably haven't had many readers on here anyway.
Anyway, things have been going a little better with that girl at work but only when the boss is around (which he usually is) so that's good. She's very insecure though and I think I made her stop eating lunch. She had previously compared her body to a very fat, butch woman who had come in to the cafe and asked her friend if she was as fat as her. Not wanting to upset her, her friend was all "No way, you are definitely not that big!" which was not true, she is much bigger than the girl who came in. It's her own damn fault though. We both open the cafe together in the morning and she walks in with a can of Mt. Dew and as soon as she finishes it, fills up a large cup with coke and drinks it down, and continues to refill it during the day.
She used to eat big wraps with a side of pita bread for lunch too. But I don't usually eat lunch there (I have twice to try to not look suspicious, although people tend to give me hard time about it anyway, and the fact that I don't drink soda. I swear, people need to stop feeling guilty and either lay off the junk or just leave me alone about it). But anyway, she recently has been leaving work without eating lunch. And her co-workers are all weirded out. They're like "What? Why aren't you eating lunch? You always eat lunch".
She just ignores them, and walks out of work all pissed off.
In other news...I feel like I am getting sick. My husband has been sick all week and I have been fighting it off. I have had a little bit of a scratchy throat and have been getting kind of mucus-y. Gross. But that makes it hard to do a low-carb diet because I always want to eat fruit and raw honey and stuff when I am getting sick because I HATE being sick. It's the worst.
Oh well. Off to start my day.
Anyway, things have been going a little better with that girl at work but only when the boss is around (which he usually is) so that's good. She's very insecure though and I think I made her stop eating lunch. She had previously compared her body to a very fat, butch woman who had come in to the cafe and asked her friend if she was as fat as her. Not wanting to upset her, her friend was all "No way, you are definitely not that big!" which was not true, she is much bigger than the girl who came in. It's her own damn fault though. We both open the cafe together in the morning and she walks in with a can of Mt. Dew and as soon as she finishes it, fills up a large cup with coke and drinks it down, and continues to refill it during the day.
She used to eat big wraps with a side of pita bread for lunch too. But I don't usually eat lunch there (I have twice to try to not look suspicious, although people tend to give me hard time about it anyway, and the fact that I don't drink soda. I swear, people need to stop feeling guilty and either lay off the junk or just leave me alone about it). But anyway, she recently has been leaving work without eating lunch. And her co-workers are all weirded out. They're like "What? Why aren't you eating lunch? You always eat lunch".
She just ignores them, and walks out of work all pissed off.
In other news...I feel like I am getting sick. My husband has been sick all week and I have been fighting it off. I have had a little bit of a scratchy throat and have been getting kind of mucus-y. Gross. But that makes it hard to do a low-carb diet because I always want to eat fruit and raw honey and stuff when I am getting sick because I HATE being sick. It's the worst.
Oh well. Off to start my day.
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