I've gained about 4 pounds.
I've been drinking a lot. Food has stayed about the same. Alcohol has increased.
And the most concerning thing has been that I'm more worried about how to eat less than drink less.
I've seen so many videos online about girls who "had" eating disorders. They talk about weighing themselves "EVERY DAY" as though that's such a scary, disordered thing. I roll my eyes every time.
Once per day seems pretty healthy at this point. I know my stepping on and off the scale multiple times over the day while calculating "am, I hydrated? how many hours since I last ate? how much salt/sugar have I had? what am I wearing?" is insane, but I can't stop.
I can't stop stepping on and off the scale.
I can't stop drinking.
I can't stop eating.
I can't stop starving.
I just can't stop.
Literally - this is me. Less food, more alcohol.
ReplyDeleteI remember seeing a documentary once where they said that the only way to get over an ED is to let your attachment to food go and just eat without judgment. I find this absolutely ridiculous. I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would look at my fat body and be like - sure, this is okay, I can live with this. HELL no. The 'how to' of recovery is like - NO.
Xo
meh, here I am, working with yet another hangover. The stress is overwhelming, alcohol and painkillers are the only feaseable solution right now.
ReplyDeletestay strong honey
xoxoxo
I love reading your posts because I truly connect with what you wrote.
ReplyDelete