First off, thanks for your comments. I feel the same way. I always think "I don't want to be doing this forever, maybe I'll grow out of it" but realistically that probably won't happen. At least not any time soon.
Also, would you like to hear how fucked up my head is?
So, I have this classmate who has the same class schedule as me and we have spent a good deal of time together since starting grad school over a year ago. Not once in this time have I ever been attracted to him.
But he's been dieting and working out lately and has lost about 20 pounds sometime in the past 6 months or a year or something. It's been gradual, and he's of pretty average size so I haven't really noticed it.
He's been talking about it lately. He hates to miss a workout. During finals week, the school gives out these bags of snacks to students (cause we're five and we love snack time) and mine had pretzels and his had cheez-its. He asked if I would trade him because the cheez-its had 210 Calories and the pretzels had 160. (I said yes, I wasn't going to eat them anyway. I always give those snack bags to my husband)
Yesterday was our school founder's "birthday" (he died a long time ago) so the school was giving out donuts. He turned them down.
But here's where it gets fucked up. I found myself totally attracted to this behavior. And not just a little. We're talking sexually aroused. By his dieting.
And it's only the dieting. When he's not talking about dieting, I feel nothing. He's not my type. At all. But his calorie restriction and working out? Soooo turned on.
Then, two nights ago, this happened with basically a stranger.
So, I have my first round of national board exams next weekend so I am taking a board review class. Big room. Full of people.
The guy sitting directly in front of me was a good looking guy. Decent face, great body (rugby player).
His friend sitting next to him opened up a package of those Chex Mix muddy buddies. He offered them to Rugby Guy.
Rugby Guy turned them down.
I got turned on.
A few minutes later, Chex Mix guy pulled out a handful of the snack and placed them in front of his friend. Rugby Guy ate one. Let the rest sit in front of him. About an hour later when we all got up to take a bathroom break, Rugby Guy scooped up the rest of them and threw them in the trash.
Holy shit. Again. Incredibly sexually aroused. I had to basically bolt in the other direction to stop myself from grabbing him and doing him right there in the crowded hallway.
What. The. Fuck.
Fortunately, I am still very much in love with my husband and have more sense than to act on any of these impulses. But this is fucked up. A psychiatrist would have a field day with this.