Pregnancy Update

I've gained a pound since my last post. That still puts me two pounds below my starting weight.
If I was to gain 15 pounds starting today, that would require a 300 Cal per day surplus. I think I've been getting close to that the past few days. I haven't been counting. I started to the first few weeks but it was driving me mad so I had to stop. Now I just estimate, which is a little scary because I don't want to go overboard.

Also my stomach is starting to protrude a little. I've mostly been hiding it under over-sized sweaters because I don't look pregnant yet, I just look bloated. Ugh. Looking forward to actually looking pregnant. Also my boobs are bigger which is weird to get used to because I've been so small in the chest my whole life.
Rapid body changes are scary.

Thanks for your kind words Lucy, It's hard to take care of myself but I'm trying.

Knocked up

They say to not talk about getting pregnant....

About 6 months ago, husband and I had finally decided that in the next year or so, we would perhaps stop trying to not have kids, and see what happens. I wanted to wait a year so that I had some time to lose weight. Not good to diet while pregnant.

Well, I had started losing when lo and behold.... I accidentally got pregnant in the beginning of August. Yikes.

It was a total shock and to be honest my first thought was "I'm not skinny enough yet".

The advantage I suppose? I'm not overweight, but I've been at the high end of my "normal" BMI for a while, and according to my doctor I only need to gain a minimum of 15 pounds.
What? I totally thought that even if you were overweight, you needed to gain at least 20 pounds.
So 15 is the goal.
Maybe it would be healthier to cut myself some slack, but honestly so many women do that (especially in America) and just go nuts when pregnant and gain like 60 pounds, which also is not healthy. I will not be in that boat.

So I'm almost 3 months pregnant and have so far lost 3 pounds. I've been cautious and slow about it. I'm not starving myself (who am I?). But everything I've read says that it's not unsafe to lose a little weight in your first trimester, and it's actually pretty common as so many women have morning sickness. It won't harm the baby. But I'm nearing the end of my first trimester so soon weight loss will not be considered okay.

I've been trying my best to just get the highest nutrition for the lowest calories possible. The trouble is, I have had a MAJOR sweet tooth and I crave candy all the time (which is atypical for me). Also, I haven't really eaten meat in a few weeks. It doesn't make me sick, but I find it kind of gross. I've mostly been eating a lot of fruit since it seems to mostly satisfy my sweet tooth and is actually nutritious. And then rice and beans for protein.

I've also been fortunate that I've felt good exercising, but most days it's hard to motivate myself to as I've been very tired.

I hope I handle the weight gain okay. My stomach is starting to protrude a little. I'm sure it's not noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. It's simultaneously excited about it and terrified. It's going to be a weird year.

The Midwest

The pro/con of living in the Midwest: I have a false sense of feeling/looking "thin". I was at two different parties on Saturday and I was the thinnest woman there by at least 60 lbs. Some more than 100. On the one hand it made me not want to eat because hi, I don't need to go down that road, but on the other it always seems like women who are bigger care more about how much thinner women are eating or not eating. Like they have to make you eat more to make themselves feel better. I was initially saving my calories for alcohol but when it looked like the only alcohol was Busch Lite (which is so low in alcohol I can't drink it fast enough to get even a slight buzz, even on an empty stomach) I ate some fruit, vegetables, and a split a piece of cake with Husband. Should've skipped all of that because later I found out there was some stronger drink, which I ended up having (obviously) which put me way over my calorie limit. 

I'm going back to the Czech Republic in two weeks and I am about 7 lbs heavier than I was last year. Nothing worse than not seeing a bunch of people for a year and showing up the next year fatter. ESPECIALLY as an American. It's such an embarrassing stereotype. I'm hoping to drop at least the 7 lbs so that I'm at least not fatter.... thinner would've been better but I've had no self-control. IDK what my deal is. To make matters worse, I remember how physically demanding the trip was last year (see a few posts ago) and I'm not in good shape either. Might be time to dig a hole for me.... 

And to add insult, Husband has been loosely dieting for two weeks now and has lost 10 lbs without ANY exercise. Sometimes living with a man is the worst. 

Vora

Any one else using the Vora app? It's a fasting app and it's my new favorite motivation. Timers and bar graphs are quite motivational to me. It's a little easier to say "maybe just a couple more hours before I eat".

Down 3 lbs this week.

Over

In case you are wondering, I'm still obsessive. Going a year without weighing myself was only helpful in one respect, and that's that I can go on vacation and not have access to a scale and not panic about it. I made it a whole year, I can make it a week.

Other than that, I gained weight, so I obviously can't be trusted. I'm back on the restricting wagon.

I'm limiting everything except vegetables. Trying to stay under 1000 kcals every day, and running at least 5 km everyday (though ideally more than 10, but my schedule is busy and time is limited).

A bad idea

So at the start of the year I had made an experimental goal for myself to not weigh myself for 1 whole calendar year. So far I'm still doing it.

What I hoped would happen:
I would stop obsessing about my weight.
I would focus on how I felt versus what number I saw.
My head would start to think more rationally.
I would see what I really looked like in the mirror.
I could get my head free from this mess and focus on things that matter.

What has actually happened:
I think I'm fat no matter what.
I can't at all tell what I look like. I thought I might be able to based on how my clothes fit, but each season I get out last year's clothes and some fit and some don't. Some fit the same, some are tighter, a couple seem looser. What the fuck??
Some days I look in the mirror and see a blob of fat and rolls.
Some days I look in the mirror and see a lean, fit adult woman.
Some photos of me look good. Others look terrible. What do I actually look like?

My head is a mess. I have wanted to post on here but I don't even know what to say.

I went to the Czech Republic in July. It was a great trip. Every one there was, in fact, very thin tho I can only attribute that to walking everywhere because their food is SO HEAVY and calorie dense. A few people made remarks on how fit I looked. At one point we hiked 25 km on no sleep and I had more energy than almost every one I was hiking with. So at least I didn't embarrass myself on that front. I might look like a giant whale, but at least I had good physical fitness.

As always... The holidays are coming. I need to be thin for the holidays. I can't deal if I'm not.
And normally I am sad to see them over (I gain enough satisfaction in decor that it's easier to not eat). But this year, the New Year will mark the start of weighing myself again. I need that in my life.

Still fat

I haven't been on all year because I don't have numbers.

I recalled the time in my life that I got the thinnest, I literally never weighed myself. I just kept restricting and getting smaller.

So I decided to try to go the entire year of 2018 not stepping on a scale.

It hasn't helped. At first it even made things worse. I gained weight in the first part of the year (like, probably 15 pounds if I had to guess) because I knew I wasn't going to "see" the numbers in the morning. The problem was, I soon started to "see" the numbers of my pants rising. Technically I can still squeeze into my clothes but they're super tight. And in fact, a number of pairs of shorts that I wore last year are now too tight to wear this year.

AND....

We have a beach vacation scheduled for the first week of July.

Fuck.

I told husband I'm not eating carbs between now and then. It's honestly the fastest way I can think to lose the weight. That combined with 18/6 intermittent fasting. And running every day. If I can lose at least ten pounds in the next three weeks I should be okay.

Then hopefully keep losing weight, because after the beach vacation, I will be taking a trip to do some work in the Czech Republic for two weeks at the end of July, and like I said when I left for Portugal last year, I refuse to be the "Fat American" when I travel abroad.