A little yo-yo action

Discouraged with my stagnant weight, I decided to give myself two weeks of eating whatever, whenever. When I have done this in the past, I usually only give myself a week, but I have been wanting to get past my "weekend psychology" as I refer to it, where I restrict so hard during the week and then go nuts on the weekend. Even though I hadn't been doing that with food calories, I was consuming obscene amounts of alcohol every weekend. So two weeks, eating AND drinking whatever I felt like. This whole two weeks concluded with a weekend in Chicago with Husband. I figured it would be a good last hurrah as the place we were staying was only a 10 minute walk from my favorite craft beer bar, and countless amazing restaurants.

I was surprised to find I didn't binge like crazy at any point during those two weeks. Maybe it was a long enough duration that I didn't feel the need. I knew the food would still be there the next day.

I was also surprised to find I only went up to 160 lbs (I knew there would be a gain, I was prepared for worse).

Whether fortunately, or unfortunately, about 10 days into those two weeks, I started feeling inexplicably high all the time (which sounds cool, but going to work every day has been too stressful. I need to be able to focus). The first day it hit me, I thought it was just some kind of stoneover (Husband and I had been smoking in the days prior), but when it didn't go away after two days, I knew something else was up. I thought maybe allergies, but antihistamines didn't help, and long story short, I ended up getting blood work done. They did every blood panel imaginable, CBC, comprehensive metabolic panel, vitamin D status, serum hCG, et cetera. Everything came back normal.

So, as per Husband's suggestion, I decided to do a cleanse. His idea was juicing, but I'm not a big fan of straight juicing for health reasons as the fiber, fat, and protein in solid foods are beneficial for helping you utilize the nutrients in the fruits and veggies, as well as feeding good intestinal flora.

What I decided to do was a variation. I would make two fruit/veggie juices each day, and be allowed to eat as many fruits and vegetables as I want, as well as half of an avocado and 2 oz of some sort of nut or legume (usually almonds or cashews), and drink 2 quarts of lemon water, and 6 oz black coffee each day.

After 4 days of this, I am feeling less high (I wake up each morning feeling normal but by mid morning I'm feeling a little high again) and I am back down to 154. Hoping a few more days of this will get me to 153, but after the past month I'd be surprised. Although I haven't been consuming any alcohol, which was likely the culprit of why I couldn't get below 154, so that gives me a bit of hope.

Even more than not wanting to feel constantly high, I don't want to be fat all summer.

One whole month

I keep cutting back and cutting back. The past two days, my net calorie intake has been in the negatives. Prior to that, the low to mid hundreds.

And I'm still 154.

And I keep thinking, "maybe it's not negative enough".

-100

-300

-800

How can I exercise away more calories than I eat, (not including everyday living calories) for over a week, and STILL not lose anything.

Meanwhile a close friend of mine, who it already thin, is going through a breakup and documenting how much weight she's lost. A couple of weeks ago, so was 113 (she's probably around 5'3" or something, if I had to guess) and then this morning she was 109.

WTF

Why am I still so fat. I can understand a week, or even two, with serious restriction and not losing, but a fucking month? Kill me now.

Discouraged.

According to my Calorie count app, I should have lost 4 pounds in the past two weeks.
Instead I have lost none. And I have no energy. The caffeine I need to get through my day is making me jittery and if I restrict any more I'm certain to binge. Net Calories have been right around 900 each day (some days a little more, some days a little less) I know if I consistently consume under 700 for too many days I binge so I'm trying to avoid that, but honestly, how the fuck am I supposed to lose any more weight like this? I'm not skinny. There's no reason this should be so difficult. Aren't you supposed to shed pounds easier if you're fatter? I'm getting so frustrated.

Lisboa!

Husband and I were invited to spend a week with two of our friends in Portugal in September. We booked our tickets yesterday and I REFUSE to be the fat American tourist, so I have bumped up my running even more and am learning Portuguese on DuoLingo.com.

LoseIt still says I should be losing at least two pounds per week, but I'm not. I guess I killed my metabolism long ago. On the plus side, I have been keeping my alcohol intake down (read: 2 drinks per night instead of 4, go me) and I wasn't even going to drink at all last night but some one asked me to sample a couple of beers so I had about 6 ounces of beer. That's still a lot less than usual. And I guess I was rewarded because this morning I was 154.0

It feels good to at least be losing something again.

Application warnings

I started using the Lose It! app again. Mostly to hold myself more accountable on weekends, but since I started logging last weekend, I figured I'd use it throughout the week. I set the "weight loss goal" at 2 pounds per week because I know that's the most it will allow you to select. It claims at my height and weight I need to net about 1,200 Calories a day to lose weight at that rate. It's probably not a far cry, but I know I do better around 900-1,000 (but this still generally doesn't result in a 2 lb per week loss, so I don't know what they want). Seeing the numbers has made me more restrictive, which is great but I was surprised when the first two days that I logged a net Calorie intake of under 800, it congratulated me on my self-control. The third and fourth days with my net Calories being 920 and 593, respectively, it didn't say anything. Then yesterday when my net Calories for the day were 640 it popped up with a warning that I apparently should be eating at least 1,200 Calories per day just to function and survive. I could get on board with 1,000, but 1,200? Nope. No way. And really, I'm consuming over 1,000 Calories per day, I'm just running off between 400 and 700, so I'm eating quite a bit, but getting ride of it, because I am still fat and I have to.

Weekend okay

155.0

Even with some heavy drinking and moderate eating on Saturday night, I managed to start Monday at the same weight as Friday which hasn't happened in months. 

Maybe I can get somewhere. 

I got mad at an orange.

When I spend the afternoon working at my friend's store, I usually peel an orange, separate the pieces and put it in the container to take with me, so if I feel genuinely hungry I can take out one piece at a time, eat it, wait a bit and then see if it was enough to satiate my hunger. Yesterday when I was getting ready to leave, I peeled the orange, but the slices didn't want to separate. It was making a juicy mess all over the counter, and I knew if it was juicy and messy in the container, I couldn't easily eat one piece at a time in the afternoon, so what did I do? I stuck the damn slices that wouldn't separate in my mouth and started to eat them. 

As soon as I bit down and all of the sweet juices flooded my mouth, I felt immediate regret and anger. Before I could forfeit all self-control by swallowing it, I spit it out into the garbage. I considered trying to separate the remaining pieces, but instead decided the damn orange had a plot against me and needed to be disposed of entirely. I threw the remaining orange into the garbage with the peel and half-chewed slices and left for work with just a bottle full of water and my coffee cup in case I needed the afternoon jolt. 

I'm about to head into my office (my real job) this morning, but I don't have many patients scheduled so I plan to spend a good portion of the rest of my day on the treadmill, or if it warms enough outside to melt the ice and snow on the sidewalks then I'll spend the afternoon outside with the dogs.