Holiday Fatass

So, the eating and drinking has continued. It got really bad when my friend and brother-in-law came to visit. We started eating and drinking first thing in the morning and didn't stop until we went to bed each night. Late.

Over the few days they were here I put on TEN POUNDS.

Fortunately, seven of those went away within the first week the friends were gone, but three pounds still lingered. And really, I could have gotten rid of them by now, but I've still been eating and drinking a lot. It's disgusting.  So I'm already up three legitimate pounds this holiday season. I WON'T add more to that. I lost a significant amount of weight this past year and I want to make sure I don't gain everything back before the New Year. I know my binge habits. I could pull it off.

I had a tooth pulled last week, which was nice. It gave me an excuse to sleep on my couch all day. To be honest, with all of the binge eating/drinking I've been doing, I've even been wanting to purge, but I won't because I'm so afraid of vomit making my tooth socket infected or something. Ugh. I am pathetic and gross.

Holiday McBoozey

Typical holiday anxiety. I'm reminded right now of being derailed last Thanksgiving. I had lost about ten pounds, and it took a while. Then some friends and family came out to visit for Thanksgiving, we spent five straight days eating and drinking, and I put all the weight back on. And it took until almost February to get back on track.

Well, Husband's brother and a mutual friend are coming out here and will be at our house from Wednesday til Sunday. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again, but I NEED to not lose sight of where I am and where I am going. Exactly where are you going?

Alcohol has been a problem, as it always is. The stress of my life right now makes me spend the majority of my day anticipating getting home and being drunk. This is a sign of a drinking problem. I fear I'll never sleep without it. Even though I know you don't sleep as deeply once you have metabolized the alcohol, it beats not falling asleep to begin with. I wish Husband hadn't given up weed, or at least that he would be okay with me partaking. Oh well. I'll just kill my liver with the booze. The alcohol has also brought my weight loss to a crashing halt.

I'm not as despondent as this post is making me sound. Things are fine right now, they're just not great and I'm wallowing in it. And I'm a little drunk.

The shrinking game.

So, I pulled it off. I managed to drop 9 pounds in the week before my trip. Of course, I know that's mostly water weight, blah blah blah, but I'm fine with it. And I did so much drinking over the 4 days that I was gone, I gained back 3 pounds. But I'm fine with it. I saw pictures of myself on vacation and didn't even hate them. I actually felt a little weird about it and I have one picture I can't stop looking at. It's a picture of me and three of my friends on the beach. On the inside, I was terrified of taking the picture because in it, I was standing next to a girl I have noticed from day one, and how skinny she is. She's not like, the skinniest person at my school or anything, but she's skinny. And then after I got home, she sent me the pictures that we took. And my waist is much smaller then hers. My arms and legs are a little bigger, but my waist is definitely smaller. I couldn't believe it. We're built differently, but we are objectively, about the same size overall.

Why can't I see it?!
There are other pictures from the weekend of me too. My collarbones are more noticeable. My arms just slightly less disgusting.
I've spent so much time since I got home, staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out what I actually look like. I'm not THAT skinny. I'm not underweight. There's no need for concern. Sure, I'm on the low end of normal for my BMI and that's with a lot of muscle mass from working out so much, but I still see myself as a fatass.
The pants I bought for clinic three months ago were a little tight when I bought them, now they are hanging off of me.

And I think I look exactly the same.

Typical frustrated post

Fat fat fat fat fat.

I wanted to lose five pounds before leaving for Florida next week. Instead, I gained four.
What is wrong with me?!

Here's the main problem. I recently had another round of final exams. That is a point in the year when I do one of two things: Starve myself of any significant calories, pound coffee and hit the books hard, OR, eat everything in sight to avoid studying and coast through finals not caring if I actually get A's in all of my classes.

The biggest problem was, I couldn't get all A's. I had two classes in which no matter how well I did on the final, I would still be a point or two short of an A. Which meant I could coast into B's in those classes, and I didn't have to do too well to get A's in the others. So instead of studying, I sat on my couch, avoiding studying, and stuffing my face full of buffalo chicken dip. For 6 days straight.

I then had two days of restricting, then husband and I went to visit some friends for the weekend which involved a lot of food and a lot of beer. And so, getting home on Sunday night, I decided to weigh myself and I was up to a disgusting number. I brought it down two pounds in the past two days by being reasonable with food and getting some exercise, but not where it needs to be. Ugh, I wish I wasn't leaving for an athletic event and I could just starve myself for a week. At least I have an excuse to exercise like crazy for the next 7 days.

Jean shopping

So, I fell into an alternate reality today.

I have spent literally days, in the past, trying on jeans, hoping something fits. Hoping something doesn't make my already awkward body look even worse. Coming home empty handed and feeling defeated.

But of course, today I went with Husband, with whom everything always works out smoothly. No-traffic-in-New-England-on-Labor-Day, no-lines-at-the-airport, everything-is-magically-on-sale-when-he-shops Husband. So of course, today, when we got to the mall, the first store we entered to try shopping for jeans had them on sale. I usually start least expensive and work my way up until I find something that works for jeans, so I started with the ones that were marked down to $25. Neither pair were my usual style or wash, but I always start cheapest, just in case. And lo and behold! The first two pairs of jeans I tried on fit great! And looked great too! This only took about 10 minutes! Husband was still looking around so I continued to look at other jeans just in case (although I really only needed two pairs), and I eventually found a pair that were just like one of the first pairs I tried on but in a better wash, so I switched those ones. But seriously, I have never had so much luck shopping for jeans. Ever. It took us about 20 minutes and $100 to come home with 4 pairs of jeans (two each) that we were incredibly happy with. I'm never shopping without Husband again.

In skinny news, I'm at the point where I can't complain to my friends about my weight. Not that I like to do that anyway, but as of about a year ago, if my friends (who are also not fat, but not tiny) started to talk about weight and looks, I could chime in and agree that I would like to lose a couple of pounds. Well, those couple of pounds are gone, and then some, and the other day, we were remarking about clothing choices and I mentioned how I would like to be a few pounds smaller before wearing a certain style, and I got completely scoffed at. As if I could never want to be skinnier than I am.

And yet, I still am having trouble coping with the fact that in less than one month I am going to be in Florida, in a swim suit, probably embarrassing the hell out of myself.

Long time no write

August 5th? Wow, it has been too long.

I'm sure you're probably thinking I fell onto the binge train and have horrible news to update, but that's not the case. No, I've actually dropped about 4 pounds since I last posted. 4 pounds in two months is pretty terrible, but it is at least keeping in the right direction, so I will let it go.

Life has just been it's typical business. I start seeing patients later this fall, so that is terrifying.

The biggest hindrance to my weight loss right now is that I am training for a swim meet that's being held in the beginning of November. You would think it would help, but the problem is, I actually want to do well, which requires being in good shape and fueling my muscles, so that means it's hard to run a deficit. The advantage is, swimming burns insane amounts of calories, so even though I have had a couple of binges in the past two months, none of them have lead to a gain because my metabolism is revved. So that's a win.

Anyway, I really wish I had more to update besides that. I'm going to go try to catch up on a few of your blogs. How is every one doing??

I get mad for stupid reasons

The further I progress in my education, the more often we have to wear "clinic attire". In fact, I start working in the student clinic in the fall and that will require clinic attire every day, which will involve a lot of new clothes. I had one pair of dress pants and a couple of nice shirts that I have been getting by on for a while now, but since I have to wear nice clothes more often, I had to do a little clothes shopping. And here's the new irrational thing that makes me so upset:

I only believe my pants size. 

What?

Let me explain: I am what I would call "bottom-heavy". I'm about 5'10" and I have wide hips and thick legs. Muscular, for sure. But large. So when shopping for pants, I generally wear a 6. Occasionally, depending on the brand, an 8, and in generous vanity sizes, a 4. But in general, I consider myself a 6 as that's the most common pant size I fit into.  

I would classify this is pretty large. In my head, 00 is extra small, 0 and 2 are small, 4 is medium and 6 is large. I don't know how it really works, but in my head, that's how it works. So on the bottom, I am a large. 

Shirts? Well, when I bought "official school clinic" polo shirts, the women's size small was actually a little too wide. I can make it work, but it doesn't fit well. I also bought a couple of button down shirts at the mall. I grabbed a 4 and a 6 off the rack, in case the 4 was too small, but I know I'm smaller on top than bottom so I thought I might fit into a 4. Too big. Both of them. I had to put them both back and get a size 2. 

A bad judge of my own mass? Yep. But here's where it gets irrational. 

I was so mad. I wanted to scream. These fucking shirts are lying! They are all trying to say I'm "small", when in fact, I am monstrous! Some one has devised a plan to make all of the fat people feel good about themselves, so they changed the sizes to read smaller than they actually are! I have perfect logical rationale for this too. I have a shirt in my closet that I have had since probably my sophomore year of college. It's yellow and I like it. But it is a size "large" and it is a little small on me. I can wear it, but it doesn't fit well. That proves it! I am actually extra-large but all the modern-day clothes are saying I'm small so that I will be "content" with my size and spend the rest of my life being fat and dumb and happy like the rest of America, while the smart few who have it figured out will secretly live lives of being tiny and proud in their small bodies and trendy clothing. 

But you can't fool me America. I know I'm a whale. I know I have a long way to go before I'm genuinely skinny again. But I will do it. And you and your size "small" t-shirts can go fuck yourself.