Wasted time

I just spent an hour looking through old pictures of myself and cursing myself for no longer being that skinny.

If I had spent that hour running, I would be that much closer to looking good again.

Fail

I failed an exam today.

It's my own damn fault too. I just didn't study enough.
I had the time.
I didn't do it.

And I thought this term I would get my first grad-level 4.0

But after failing this exam, the highest grade I can get in this class now is a B. Which kills the hope of a 4.0

Dammit.

 I'm going to go run until I pass out.

Bye.

It's hard to be normal

Having grown up around all manner of disordered eating, and having eating problems of your own as well, you sometimes forget how abnormal you are.

Until some one asks you how long you take to eat.

A classmate and I had plans to get together yesterday to study for an exam we had today. We were going to meet up at 4:30 (which was perfect because that was right after class and we usually end up studying until close to midnight, so it's a great distraction from dinner) but he called me around 4:30 and said that he was hungry and how about we meet up after we've gotten something to eat. The conversation went something like this.

Classmate: So, we should eat first, and then meet up to study
Me: Okay, yeah. Sounds good.
C: So, how long do you need to eat dinner?
Me:  ..........
C: Is that okay?
Me: What? Oh. Yeah. What did you say?
C: How long do you need to eat dinner?
Me: Um.... how about.... like, 20 minutes?
C: ...*pause*..... How about we meet up in an hour?
Me: Oh. yeah. 5:30? That sounds good. See you then.**

Fuck. I'm an idiot. See, if the question had been "How long does it take you to ingest 5,000 Calories?" the answer would have been "five minutes." If the question had been "How long does it take you to eat half a sandwich?" the answer would have been "all day".

But "dinner"? Typically I either eat dinner with Husband, make myself a portion 1/3 the size of his and eat it in the time it takes him to eat his (I've never timed this interaction), or I don't eat dinner (seriously, I hate dinner, I am never hungry at "dinner time" and I prefer to go to bed a little hungry, but eating meals together is supposed to be so vital to a long healthy relationship, and I do like his company).

So I just made a guess.
But one hour. I'll make a mental note of that.


** I ended up leaving school, going and putting gas in my car and then taking the long way to my favorite coffee place to get a coffee. That killed an hour

Dammit

Only down half a pound this morning.

WHAT!?

Is it possible that I gained that much ACTUAL weight over the holiday?

My thought is this: Sodium and carbs.

I normally don't eat a lot of carbs and I do work out a lot, so maybe that sugar is glycogen being stored (which stores a shit ton of water with it) and I have had wayyyy too much sodium. Even yesterday I had quite a bit.

Hoping this it more water bloat than fat. Otherwise I'm amputating a leg.

The other side

I made it through! Mostly successfully.

Stepping on the scale today, I told myself "As long as it's under _ _ _ lbs, I can handle it"
And I was 0.5 lbs under that number.

The number that put me at about a 5 pound gain.

So I'm 4.5 lbs heavier than I was this time last week, which ordinarily would be a devastating number, however, when I take long trips I tend to gain 2-3 lbs of travel bloat that usually takes less than two days to take off, so that will be gone soon. And the other pound or two I doubt will take more than a week. And since I have nowhere I have to go for the coming week, I'm not going to stress about it.

My only real concern is that I am currently fighting off a cold, I can feel it. So as long as I keep that at bay, I should be able to restrict and exercise plenty to get these pounds off. 

Mom kept her crazy to a minimum during my visit, which was nice. She's a little hard to deal with but I find as long as I just smile and nod and keep my mouth shut while she rambles on about conspiracy theories and how every one in the world (including all of her children) are so beneath her, then everything is fine.
It's only a few days.


Christmas day I ate WAY too much sugar. As most of you know, I am sugar-aphobic. So typically, I don't eat much of it. But Christmas Eve and Christmas day I ate fudge, chocolate, almond bark, almond cake, peppermint bark, pie, ice cream and banana/sweet cream crepes. My body was on total sugar overload and I felt SOOOO sick to my stomach. I can't remember the last time I felt that nauseous. So I purged some of it in the bathroom.

As many of you know, I hate purging, so I wasn't psyched to be doing this, but I'm not counting it as a standard b/p kind of thing that I try to avoid. I didn't bring nearly everything up. Just enough to get rid of the nausea. I thought of bringing more up. It was tempting beyond belief. But I was too worried that I would either a) leave the bathroom thinking "hey, my stomach is now empty, I could probably stuff some more shit down my throat", or b) fall back in to a habit of purging. Neither of which were options I like, so I just brought up enough to quell the nausea. What really sucked is that I have had a giant canker sore in the back of my mouth for almost a week now and so I hadn't been moving my mouth to any large degree (more than was required to stuff my face with sugar) and when I purged I basically pulled my mylohyoid muscle. It hurt so bad! So still had a mild stomach ache, a very large canker sore and now a pulled mylohyoid. I admitted defeat at that point and went to bed.

This brings me to my next point: That instance aside, 2012 will now be my second full calendar year since high school of no purging! And it has been good for me. Fewer binges. Net loss of pounds over the year. Even though I have gone up and down a lot, I'm ending this year thinner than I ended last year which was thinner than I ended the year before that.
I'm still nowhere near the stick figure I was at the end of high school but I have hope. I really do.

Any one making New Years resolutions? I would like to. I didn't make any definitive ones last year, but I think I would like to this year.

Options I am considering:
Drinking more water (some set amount more)
Being more disciplined at getting up early and working out
Something pertaining to my personal appearance. I am one of those people who gets busy and stops putting in effort. That needs to stop.
Monthly weight loss goals
Getting a 4.0 in one of (if not all of) my terms this year at school (I've come close)
Brushing up on my Russian
Begin memorizing some complex textbook (I met a man who had both Guyton's and Gray's memorized. That amazes me)

Maybe I will pick two or three of these and make them more specific and make those my goals.

Here we go

Yeah, my last post was a little weary. I've been feeling kind of weary. Today was a pretty good day though. Better than the last few.


I drink too much.

Seriously.

I could probably be about 3 or 4 pounds slimmer by now if I didn't drink so goddamn much.

I have been losing, so that's good. Remember how I said I gained twenty pounds since last spring?

Well, fifteen are gone.
But the next week is going to be tough.
Christmas, and all.

Luckily (?) we will only be at my folks' house for four days. But my mom has already called me to tell me she is making Cuban sandwiches for Christmas Eve, I am making a roast for Christmas dinner (as I do every year), and she has already made almond bark, fudge and brownie bites.

For any of you readers who have been here a while (maybe even some from way back, before I started my blog over a couple of times) you know my mom force feeds us.
Even Husband, who LOVES to eat, is dreading the amount of food my mom makes us eat. She doesn't stop cooking the whole time we are there and gets all mad if we don't eat every bite. It's not even tempting or pleasant, it's just a stomach ache.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom's cooking. But it's beyond excessive.
I try to say "hey, put the utensils down and just hang out, we want to spend time with you" (which is half true since half the time she's pleasant and fun, and half the time she's batshit crazy), but she just cooks and cooks away.


At least it's only 4 days. And there will be home made dandelion wine.

Since I'm not taking my computer with me (the only place from where I access this site) I won't be posting until next week. Probably Thursday at the earliest.

So Merry Christmas and best wishes to you all. Good luck with the holidays, and try to find the joy in it! I love you all.

I recently broke through in to the next ten pound mark. Nichole was so right about that. It seems like I can drop pounds so fast in the middle of a ten pound mark but when I get down to the bottom of it, it just hovers forever.

I ran today. 3 miles. My body is getting fatigued more easily though, which sucks. Especially because I want to play rugby. I used to play when I lived on the East Coast but I haven't had time since I moved. Now, I have time but I'm too preoccupied with keeping my food intake low, I know I can't possibly keep up with the team at school and there is a very real chance I would get injured. 

So I just do what I can. I could have managed more than 3 miles but I was running on my lunch break so I was a little pressed for time. My intake has been some black coffee, an egg with hot sauce and a few slices of orange and yellow bell peppers. I know that's not enough if I'm exercising. I'm taking energy from muscle. I know muscle is a great fat burner so it's stupid of me to be going on like I am. But it's the only way I've successfully gotten smaller and right now, that's all I really care to do.

Also, I think we are having fish for dinner. Fish and veggies, which shouldn't be too bad.