Application warnings

I started using the Lose It! app again. Mostly to hold myself more accountable on weekends, but since I started logging last weekend, I figured I'd use it throughout the week. I set the "weight loss goal" at 2 pounds per week because I know that's the most it will allow you to select. It claims at my height and weight I need to net about 1,200 Calories a day to lose weight at that rate. It's probably not a far cry, but I know I do better around 900-1,000 (but this still generally doesn't result in a 2 lb per week loss, so I don't know what they want). Seeing the numbers has made me more restrictive, which is great but I was surprised when the first two days that I logged a net Calorie intake of under 800, it congratulated me on my self-control. The third and fourth days with my net Calories being 920 and 593, respectively, it didn't say anything. Then yesterday when my net Calories for the day were 640 it popped up with a warning that I apparently should be eating at least 1,200 Calories per day just to function and survive. I could get on board with 1,000, but 1,200? Nope. No way. And really, I'm consuming over 1,000 Calories per day, I'm just running off between 400 and 700, so I'm eating quite a bit, but getting ride of it, because I am still fat and I have to.

Weekend okay

155.0

Even with some heavy drinking and moderate eating on Saturday night, I managed to start Monday at the same weight as Friday which hasn't happened in months. 

Maybe I can get somewhere. 

I got mad at an orange.

When I spend the afternoon working at my friend's store, I usually peel an orange, separate the pieces and put it in the container to take with me, so if I feel genuinely hungry I can take out one piece at a time, eat it, wait a bit and then see if it was enough to satiate my hunger. Yesterday when I was getting ready to leave, I peeled the orange, but the slices didn't want to separate. It was making a juicy mess all over the counter, and I knew if it was juicy and messy in the container, I couldn't easily eat one piece at a time in the afternoon, so what did I do? I stuck the damn slices that wouldn't separate in my mouth and started to eat them. 

As soon as I bit down and all of the sweet juices flooded my mouth, I felt immediate regret and anger. Before I could forfeit all self-control by swallowing it, I spit it out into the garbage. I considered trying to separate the remaining pieces, but instead decided the damn orange had a plot against me and needed to be disposed of entirely. I threw the remaining orange into the garbage with the peel and half-chewed slices and left for work with just a bottle full of water and my coffee cup in case I needed the afternoon jolt. 

I'm about to head into my office (my real job) this morning, but I don't have many patients scheduled so I plan to spend a good portion of the rest of my day on the treadmill, or if it warms enough outside to melt the ice and snow on the sidewalks then I'll spend the afternoon outside with the dogs. 

Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I decided recently I would start weighing myself on Mondays and Fridays. I've been sitting right around 156 for way too long. I keep working all week to get my weight down, and then gorging myself with beer and junk food on Friday and Saturday night. I see it on the scale every week. It's lunacy. I'm up a few pounds every Monday morning. I work all week to get rid of them, then I see them again on Monday. Within about half a pound, I see the same two numbers every Monday and Friday.

I need to avoid the social drinking. It always leads to late night social eating. I need to avoid people. I'm better off. I save money and calories by not being around people. This was so much easier before I was married. I was good at losing weight because I was good at avoiding people. But if I am really in control, I should be able to socialize and not be so fat.

Get your shit together.

Empty is subjective

Is it sad to be turning off the lights in your house to make sure your neighbors can't see you taking shots of whiskey alone at night in your house? Wishing we had our blinds back up in our kitchen.

And by night, I mean 6:20 in the evening. I want to go to bed, I was supposed to have plans but my friend was sick and had to cancel.

I feel like I've eaten a monstrous amount today.

Looking back at the reality I had:

A bite of leftover chicken and rice
A handful of peanuts
An orange
Chips

The problem with the chips is that I haven't been portioning them out. The bag claims to have 5 servings (of 130 kcals each) and I have been slowly snacking on them throughout the past 3 days. I haven't made it halfway through the bag, yet every time I mentally calculate the calorie consumption, I call it 500.

I also keep counting the smoothie I made this morning that I didn't drink.

I intended to, but I never drink it right away. I have to prove to myself that I can control my food intake, and a smoothie never tastes as good when it has been sitting out for a while, so by letting it sit I am less likely to drink it quickly, and more likely to make it last throughout the day. So every day when I make a smoothie for Husband and myself, I put mine in the fridge and make sure I don't drink it for at least 3 hours. Today, I put it in the freezer to keep cold and left the house forgetting it was there.

So anyway, in my head I have had roughly 3,000 Calories today but looking at the itemized list, I can be sure it's less. Since I am too exhausted to run tonight, I want to just sleep. but my brain is too alert so I turned to my trusty friend ethanol. Two shots of whiskey and a 12 oz beer later (empty calories is subjective... are they empty if they are the only way I'll get to sleep???) and I'm only just starting to feel a bit more calm. Maybe one more shot (each one being AT LEAST 100 kcals... FML) and I'll be able to get some shut-eye.