All problems are boring, until they are your own

I kind of got away from posting here. For a number of reasons I guess. For one, I only knew about 2 or 3 people who still posted on here, so the reading was sparse. And life was feeling stable, which usually means I slip into some kind of comfortable feeling, and my rational mind kicks in and tells me it's okay to consume the things I consume. 

But I graduate soon. In 7 months I will be officially licensed as a primary care physician. A doctor. A healthcare professional. A chiropractor (which for those of you who don't know, is accredited as a licensed physician). Helping people live healthier lives. 

This is terrifying. 

I don't know where I want to practice. Not even in which state. I feel like a hypocrite every time I give my patients advice on living healthier lives. 

And the stress of this life transition, coupled with the fact that I have done nothing but gain weight since last Thanksgiving (seriously, ten pounds in less than a year) is throwing me back in to that compulsive exercise state, where I eat mostly normally to keep up appearances, and then run 10-15 miles to get rid of it. I call it stress relief but I don't really know if it's working. 

So I don't know if I'm back. This might be one post, or I might be posting again regularly. We'll see. But I have been thinking about it a lot. 

Coffee time.

Drunkorexia

The first time I read about it, I thought "It has a name? I thought that's just what you did...."

I should stop drinking so much. 

The hardest part

One of the most difficult things about restricting is how to handle it when things don't go the way you plan. 

Husband was home before me tonight (because I was blasting hill sprints at the gym) and offered to make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I said sure. 

Spaghetti and meatballs is very filling so I can easily get away with eating a small amount. Husband never questions it. And since I burned 430 Cals at the gym, and had hardly eaten earlier, I figured it would be fine. Shortly after getting out of the shower however, it occurred to me that Husband is probably like most cooks and is putting oil on the spaghetti. I never put oil on the spaghetti! It's an easy way to keep the calories down. 

I raced downstairs, hoping he hadn't drained the spaghetti yet (but knowing realistically he probably had) and there it was. Sitting in all it's oily filth. I felt completely panicked. I tried to calmly express that I don't usually put oil on the spaghetti, even though on the inside, I was screaming. I told Husband that when I put oil on it, the sauce slides off the noodles too easily and you don't get the right flavor (which is true, I prefer it without the oil for that reason as well).

Thinking the damage had been done and feeling like I wanted to cry, I began to dish the pasta out onto our plates. Fortunately, it occurred to me at the last minute, I could rinse the pasta, and hopefully eliminate at least SOME of the oil. So, I put my portion back in the pot, ran the tap water as hot as possible and rinsed/drained the spaghetti a handful of times until it at least didn't look quite so shiny, the whole time, fantasizing about washing the noodles with soap, because that's the only way I was going to properly get the oil off. 

So my intake for the day is 742

Output at the gym was 430

Net: 312

Would've been less without the oil. But I can live with it.

I'm hoping I've run up enough of a deficit this week to not do too much damage tomorrow. I already anticipate a small argument with a friend of mine. A bunch of us are getting together for a girls night, and I know 90% of the girls could not care less what I order at the restaurant, but I know one woman will (and I do say woman because she's 33 years old, even though she acts 16). We'll call her J. She's thinks she always has to be the prettiest/smartest/thinnest/best person around, and she is very much intimidated by me because I am younger, and smarter than she is and we are about the same size (although I am working on changing that).

There is even a new woman joining our group, who is J's age, but prettier and thinner and J is constantly making up things about her being dumb or something, just to make herself feel better. It drives me crazy. Just leave the girl alone. Putting other people down doesn't make you any better. 

But anyway, J has been on a diet (actually a diet competition with her husband and two of their friends, because that's the only way she can accomplish anything, if she's competing with some one) and in her head, she's competing with me too. We were at a baby shower this month and when every one got up to get cheesecake and punch, I was pleasantly in the middle of a conversation with some one else, so I didn't get up. She pulled her diet Pepsi out of her purse, started sipping on it, and INTERRUPTED my conversation to say "Hey, go get your cheesecake!"

Subtle, J. Real subtle. 

Anyway, we are going out tomorrow night, and my plan is to find what appears to be the lowest calorie thing on the menu and not finish it, but I KNOW J is going to make a big deal out of it. But I'm not giving in. I'm not going to eat fattening food just to make her happy. Although there is a small part of me that wants to order something fattening, just to eat it in front of her. But I'm not thin enough for that. I have to stay on track a while longer before I can pull anything like that. Instead if she says anything, I plan to make a big deal about how I am a big girl and I can make my own dinner decisions, I don't need her input. She'll be mad. But she can deal.

Obviously

Why haven't I thought of this before?

As some of you know, Husband and I are home brewers, which means we always have a ton of beer in the house. What I did not realize, was that what we also have, is a plethora of spent grains. In order to reduce as much waste as possible, we have in past created/found recipes utilizing the spent grains from the brewing process.

As most of you know, I am not much of one for eating many grains. I have a few here and there, especially because I know the fiber is good for me but they are generally too high in carbs so I stick to vegetables for my carbs.

What didn't occur to me, was that in the brewing process, you crush the grains and soak them in hot water in order to remove the sugars from them (in order for the yeast to eat, to make the beer). This means, that what is left over is primarily fiber and protein!

I can't believe I didn't think of this before. Lately, I have been making these "cookies" using just mashed banana and rolled oats. Last night, after brewing another batch of beer with Husband, I thought, "huh, I wonder if I could use the spent grains from the brewing process to make these cookies."

I did, and while Husband didn't like them quite as much (because they aren't as sweet and he LOVES sweets, but that's why I've been making them lately; he's been trying to cut back on his sweets), he did eat them, and I sprinkled some semi-sweet chocolate shavings into them to make them a little sweeter.
So today, I decided to look up the calories in spent grain, and when I did, I was shocked, until it occurred to me that we had removed most of the sugar from the grain.

So now, I have these cookies that are high in fiber, and have some protein, and even with the chocolate in them, come to about 45 calories a piece. So excited.

In the meantime, I have kept my intake today under 600 Calories and I actually feel great. Right now I want some beer that is in my fridge, and on the one hand, now would be a good night to drink it because I could totally do it and still come in under 1,000 for the day, but the thought of ending the day under 600 is so tempting.

I dunno. I don't think I'll be disappointed in myself either way.

Injuries

Ya know that time when you cut your hand open because you've been restricting so well all week, and you just got back from the gym, and you're trying to make dinner, but you are so delirious with hunger it takes you a good fifteen seconds to realize why your hand is bleeding?

Why yes, I am 1 pound away from my pre-Thanksgiving weight.

A few good days

So, the past few days of restricting have gone really well. Maybe all it takes sometimes is a little kick in butt from good ol' friend Toilet Face (you can call bulimia "Mia" if you want, but if you ask me, that name is way too glorifying. From this point forward, bulimia will be referred to as Toilet Face).

I have run my largest Calorie deficit in a while in the past few days and I have been rewarded with a small loss. I'm finally back below my considered "safe" numbers (ya know, that arbitrary number we all have, under which we may not feel thin, but feel at least acceptable to be seen in public), and I actually don't feel dehydrated! Usually a decent loss comes with the fear that it's all dehydration, and while my glycogen stores are likely a little low, I have been drinking close to 100 oz of water every day, so hopefully that is lending some hydration.

I did have a weird night last night, and it may have been from lack of adequate food intake. I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with a pretty substantial nosebleed. I was so tired, so getting out of bed felt like the worst. Once the bleeding stopped and I went back to bed, I couldn't fall asleep, because every time I started to drift off, I started to feel dizzy, almost like I was falling, and I would wake back up again. It was frustrating, because I really just wanted to sleep. My nose wasn't bleeding for long enough that I felt that feeling was from blood loss, and as mentioned before, I have been drinking a lot of water so I didn't really feel like it was from dehydration. I recall having felt that way in the past when I have been properly restricting for a while, and I had a feeling if I went downstairs and had a little orange juice or something, I would probably feel better. Fortunately, Husband has been turning the heat down at night so the house was freezing, and I was exhausted. Between the two, I managed to stay in bed until I fell asleep again, which meant no middle-of-the-night Calorie intake for me.

Today is another frigid day in the Midwest, so school was cancelled again. Ordinarily I would still be in bed on a day like today, because even though I like being up and getting things done, sleeping is the only sure way stave off a binge, but I am feeling strong and in control today, so I got up when Husband got up, and have yet to even desire any food. Hopefully today goes as well as I am anticipating.

How to give yourself such bad heartburn you think you need to go to the hospital

Step One:
Start out the morning with black coffee.

Step Two:
Don't eat until your friends make you go out for lunch with them.

Step Three:
Be so ravenously hungry and unaccustomed to restricting that you purchase a full turkey wrap, side of chips and a 20 oz. root beer. (You don't even like soda)

Step Four:
Forget that when you get back to class, people were planning to bring in cookies to your last radiology class of the term.

Step Five:
Lose all self-control, and stuff four cookies and a small Kit-Kat bar into your already over stuffed stomach.

Step Six:
Immediately drive home after class, feeling so full you want to purge all of the food.

Step Seven:
Decide that since you want to purge so badly you are about to cry anyway, become completely self-destructive and shove four full-sized chocolate bars down your gullet.

Step Eight:
Feel so full that you literally need to run to the bathroom before the food explodes out of your stomach.

Step Nine:
Proceed to vomit for 30 minutes until nothing but acidic bile is coming out of your mouth.
(At this point, you will feel so terrible you will want to cry. Nothing will come out, but you will wish it would, and then applaud yourself for your self-control to not cry... Even though you know you tried to)

Step Ten:
Accept an invitation to go wine tasting with some friends. Wine is enticing after such a stressful day.

Step Eleven:
When you get to the winery and it is closed early, try to find excuses to get your friends to take you back to your car (which is a good 15 miles away). They are going to a pub, where you know you will drink beer and eat pub food if you go with.

Step Twelve:
Your friends will convince you to go with them anyway.

Step Thirteen:
Get to the pub. Slam an IPA to help you cope with your maddening emotions.

Step Fourteen:
Proceed to take leave of your senses and order a Cuban sandwich (with mustard so spicy it makes your eyes water), fries with habanero ketchup, all washed down with a jalapeno beer. While this meal is delicious, there is no reprieve from the fire in your stomach.

Step Fifteen:
Spend the rest of the evening/ride home wishing you didn't make such shitty self-destructive decisions, all the while trying to ignore the pain in your stomach and chest, reminding you that you are weak and foolish.

Happy fucking New Year

I am sitting at six pounds heavier than I was before Thanksgiving. It needs to go.

I downloaded the Lose It app, as that has been the most highly rated that I have seen, and boy is that thing upsetting. To mess around with it and see how it works, I programmed that I want to lose 1 pound per week. So I logged all of my food an exercise (and can I just express how much I love the "barcode scan" feature on the app? That thing finds everything) and I came in at about 1,000 Calories over what it said I should have logged for the week (I went to two Christmas parties last week, which put me over my Calorie limit twice) in order to lose 1 pound (which would be a 3,500 Calorie deficit). By the logic of the app, I should still weigh about what I weighed last week. 

Instead, I am 3 pounds heavier. 

Ugh. 

And I was supposed to be starting school again today, which I was hoping would help with routine/stability/weight loss, but I live in the Midwest, and it is currently 20 below zero (with a wind chill of -40) so school is closed. 

So I am at home, trying to ignore all of the food in my house, and I should be studying. But instead, I think I am going to read some of Wasted because that book always gets me motivated. 

I did well last year. I can do well again this year.