Sunday, January 19, 2014

How to give yourself such bad heartburn you think you need to go to the hospital

Step One:
Start out the morning with black coffee.

Step Two:
Don't eat until your friends make you go out for lunch with them.

Step Three:
Be so ravenously hungry and unaccustomed to restricting that you purchase a full turkey wrap, side of chips and a 20 oz. root beer. (You don't even like soda)

Step Four:
Forget that when you get back to class, people were planning to bring in cookies to your last radiology class of the term.

Step Five:
Lose all self-control, and stuff four cookies and a small Kit-Kat bar into your already over stuffed stomach.

Step Six:
Immediately drive home after class, feeling so full you want to purge all of the food.

Step Seven:
Decide that since you want to purge so badly you are about to cry anyway, become completely self-destructive and shove four full-sized chocolate bars down your gullet.

Step Eight:
Feel so full that you literally need to run to the bathroom before the food explodes out of your stomach.

Step Nine:
Proceed to vomit for 30 minutes until nothing but acidic bile is coming out of your mouth.
(At this point, you will feel so terrible you will want to cry. Nothing will come out, but you will wish it would, and then applaud yourself for your self-control to not cry... Even though you know you tried to)

Step Ten:
Accept an invitation to go wine tasting with some friends. Wine is enticing after such a stressful day.

Step Eleven:
When you get to the winery and it is closed early, try to find excuses to get your friends to take you back to your car (which is a good 15 miles away). They are going to a pub, where you know you will drink beer and eat pub food if you go with.

Step Twelve:
Your friends will convince you to go with them anyway.

Step Thirteen:
Get to the pub. Slam an IPA to help you cope with your maddening emotions.

Step Fourteen:
Proceed to take leave of your senses and order a Cuban sandwich (with mustard so spicy it makes your eyes water), fries with habanero ketchup, all washed down with a jalapeno beer. While this meal is delicious, there is no reprieve from the fire in your stomach.

Step Fifteen:
Spend the rest of the evening/ride home wishing you didn't make such shitty self-destructive decisions, all the while trying to ignore the pain in your stomach and chest, reminding you that you are weak and foolish.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, what a shitty day! I hope you get better. Sometimes it's like karma throws us these challenging moments.
    Hopefully bad weather will be gone soon and you can go back to running