Fucking ridiculous

This is what I did this morning. Ugh.
And now I feel like garbage.

There were cookies. Just sitting on the table this morning.
I made them yesterday for Husband.

The last three times I made cookies, I managed to not eat even one of them.
Then this morning. I don't know what happened. All of my self-control, out the window.

As you can see, I only ate the centers of them. As if that is somehow "safer". But I still had the majority of six cookies. And I feel like garbage. I just want to go back to bed.





The worst thing is, I was all excited to wear my new shirts I I just got from Victoria's Secret two days ago. They are what I like to call victory shirts. I tried on a Medium and it was too big. So I bought Smalls. Yes! But now I am in the process of throwing that out the window. I didn't even run today. And it is gorgeous out. I don't have school today but I am getting together with some classmates to study. I will have to take a break after a few hours and come home and run. At least seven miles. No excuses.

Kind of torn

This is bothering me.

I know most of you on here would be excited. But I feel so dishonest. My husband wants to lose weight and he thinks I am losing so much weight pretty much effortlessly, but the truth is, I hardly eat. And I run a lot.

The good things is, I have lost weight. To the point where I almost don't hate the way I look in clothes. I even bought some shirts today without even trying them on because I just knew they would look good.

Things that I hate:
1) People are noticing. I get so awkward when people comment on the weight I have lost. It's not that I'm super thin or anything. But I have lost a noticeable amount of weight. And I don't like to talk about it. So I don't want people to notice.
2) Acting like I'm not even trying. Like losing weight is the simplest thing in the world.
3) Planning out my day and constantly figuring out what people's plans are so I can figure out how to eat the least amount of food, without making it look like I am "dieting". I want to be normal. Husband brought me home some pizza today. I knew my neighbor (who I go to school with) was coming over to see my Husband so I waited until he came over to eat some of the pizza so that he saw me eating, and if people at school think i don't eat I can be all like "no, remember, I was eating pizza!"

Ugh.

I hate being like this. Can't I just be normal around food?

Also, when I am hungry I am short with people. Typically I am notoriously patient and kind. But when I am tired, hungry and worn down (which I always am lately) I am not as patient or nice.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Can't I stop weighing success with weight loss?

I have been getting good grades but I recently got a C on an exam. An exam I SHOULD have gotten an A on. My embarrassment over my grade sent me into a whirlwind of running and restricting. Can't I just stop doing this? Why is it not that easy?

Intentionally eating outside so as to "accidentally" leave my yogurt in the wind, thereby knocking it over. I guess no lunch for me.