Holiday McBoozey

Typical holiday anxiety. I'm reminded right now of being derailed last Thanksgiving. I had lost about ten pounds, and it took a while. Then some friends and family came out to visit for Thanksgiving, we spent five straight days eating and drinking, and I put all the weight back on. And it took until almost February to get back on track.

Well, Husband's brother and a mutual friend are coming out here and will be at our house from Wednesday til Sunday. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again, but I NEED to not lose sight of where I am and where I am going. Exactly where are you going?

Alcohol has been a problem, as it always is. The stress of my life right now makes me spend the majority of my day anticipating getting home and being drunk. This is a sign of a drinking problem. I fear I'll never sleep without it. Even though I know you don't sleep as deeply once you have metabolized the alcohol, it beats not falling asleep to begin with. I wish Husband hadn't given up weed, or at least that he would be okay with me partaking. Oh well. I'll just kill my liver with the booze. The alcohol has also brought my weight loss to a crashing halt.

I'm not as despondent as this post is making me sound. Things are fine right now, they're just not great and I'm wallowing in it. And I'm a little drunk.

The shrinking game.

So, I pulled it off. I managed to drop 9 pounds in the week before my trip. Of course, I know that's mostly water weight, blah blah blah, but I'm fine with it. And I did so much drinking over the 4 days that I was gone, I gained back 3 pounds. But I'm fine with it. I saw pictures of myself on vacation and didn't even hate them. I actually felt a little weird about it and I have one picture I can't stop looking at. It's a picture of me and three of my friends on the beach. On the inside, I was terrified of taking the picture because in it, I was standing next to a girl I have noticed from day one, and how skinny she is. She's not like, the skinniest person at my school or anything, but she's skinny. And then after I got home, she sent me the pictures that we took. And my waist is much smaller then hers. My arms and legs are a little bigger, but my waist is definitely smaller. I couldn't believe it. We're built differently, but we are objectively, about the same size overall.

Why can't I see it?!
There are other pictures from the weekend of me too. My collarbones are more noticeable. My arms just slightly less disgusting.
I've spent so much time since I got home, staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out what I actually look like. I'm not THAT skinny. I'm not underweight. There's no need for concern. Sure, I'm on the low end of normal for my BMI and that's with a lot of muscle mass from working out so much, but I still see myself as a fatass.
The pants I bought for clinic three months ago were a little tight when I bought them, now they are hanging off of me.

And I think I look exactly the same.