Quick update

 22 weeks in. No weight gain yet. I realize that even if I gain a pound a week from now until my due date, it would only be about 18 pounds. Since I lost somewhere close to 25 pounds just giving birth to my daughter, even if I only gained the 18 and then lost 18, I wouldn't have a net gain which would be VERY good. As of a few days ago, I was thinking it was realistic that I might be able to only gain the necessary ten pounds (since my starting weight is high enough, I don't need to gain much) but the past 72 hours I have been INSATIABLY hungry. Agh! 

Feeling like it could get too easy to go overboard. 

I have a close friend who only gained ten pounds her whole pregnancy and then lost 20 in labor/delivery and was a glorious ten pounds thinner than her pre-pregnancy weight when she had a newborn. 

That would certainly help take the edge off of all of the other newborn struggles. To not have any extra "baby weight" while you're sleep-deprived and stagnant those first couple of months. 

Another year gone by

 I can't believe it's been another year since my last post. Where does the time go?

I've often wanted to post on here but I am pretty much always either working or with my daughter so the opportunities are rare. 

After my last post, I gained another ten pounds. Mostly from alcohol. Then, last fall I got shingles IN my MOUTH (I didn't even know you could get shingles in your mouth) and was on my couch in excruciating pain for a week and literally could not eat for a week. I sipped bone broth for a little protein but that was the most I could get. I probably had about 400 calories a day for a week straight and lost seven pounds (plus another 5 pounds of water weight but that came back as soon as I ate again). It made me feel good, and since I had been on so many painkillers that week I was motivated to not drink for a while for the sake of my liver and I lost another 7 pounds in the next seven weeks. 

I haven't lost much since then, spring weather and a decrease in covid cases meant more socializing which meant more eating and drinking, but I haven't gained anything in while. 

Which is especially good since.... I'm pregnant again. 

My daughter is AMAZING and hilarious and wonderful so the thought of having another is exciting, but the weight is scaring me. I sometimes wonder what would've happened with no pandemic. I didn't gain much weight until the last month of my pregnancy when the world was shut down and I couldn't even go to work. 

I know most of my weight gain came AFTER she was born, but I still had ten extra pounds on me immediately following her birth.  

I'm three months in and haven't gained anything yet, so I'm off to a good start, but since I had recently lost some weight, was hoping to lose more before getting pregnant again. Oh well. We work with what we've got. 

And I'm always working on it. 

A year later

It was weird to read my post from last April. I forgot about so many things that had been running through my head. 

My daughter ended up being born 10 days late. And in that time, not being able to work, or go anywhere, or do anything, I gained an additional 7 pounds, which put my total pregnancy weight gain at about 32 pounds. Not astronomical. I came home from the hospital only down 5 pounds (even though my daughter weighed almost 8!) because I had to have an emergency c-section they pump you full of so much fluid, I looked like the Pillsbury dough boy. But after about 10 days, the fluid went down and I found I was only ten pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Should've been easy to lose.....

Then came the struggle with breastfeeding. I spent ALL of my time (and hired a lactation consultant) nursing and pumping to try to feed my daughter. I wasn't against supplementing with formula, but she ended up being allergic to every formula I tried, so that was off the table, and donor milk was scarce. What a stressful time.

There's this idea that breastfeeding just dumps calories out of your body, and it can, but when you hardly produce any milk, you don't sacrifice many calories. (I ended up supplementing with goat milk, which got her the extra calories she wasn't getting from me, but wasn't the nutritional equivalent of breast milk or formula so I still had to keep trying)

So with every spare minute I had being spent sitting on my couch, either pumping or nursing, every time I cut my calories my meager milk supply would decrease, and I was in so much pain from the c-section, I not only didn't lose the 10 pounds I gained.... I gained 20 MORE! I currently weigh around what I did when I was nine months pregnant. Ugh. It hurts just typing that. Once my daughter started solids at the end of last year, I didn't stress quite as much about losing my milk supply because I knew she wouldn't starve if I ran out. 

So I've been cutting my food calories pretty successfully, but I'm back to drinking too much. When I first had a full drink after my daughter was born I noticed how quickly I got intoxicated after not drinking for so many months. I was excited but of course, I have steadily increased it so now it takes at least FOUR drinks for me to hit a level of intoxication that causes me to stop (more if I have eaten something). I don't want to black out.... I just want to numb. But that's hundreds of extra calories and I'm consuming them almost every day. 

I didn't drink anything last night. And I slept great. And I feel better today than I normally do. Obviously. Why can't I just give it up entirely? Alcoholism runs in my family so this shouldn't shock me. 

I need to get my shit together. If not for myself..... the fact that I have a daughter has really changed my perspectives on how I treat myself, especially around her. I grew up with a mother that loathed herself (and still does) and we don't have a good relationship. Needless to say, her self-loathing wore off on her daughters (who might as well be genetic clones of her). She was always dieting. She's miserable. I don't want my daughter to grow up with a mother like that. My sister has two daughters (around 9 and 11 years old) and I can tell they're noticing that their mother starves herself and drinks too much. My sister claims they don't, but I see it. And we were very aware of our mother's behavior. My sister is clearly in denial. 

I have more thoughts but my daughter just woke up so I'll try to update again later. 

Pregnancy and Pandemic

I appreciate the previous comments on my last post. I haven't been on here much since my last post. It's been weird dealing with my body's changes. I didn't think it would be this difficult.

It's probably made worse by this COVID pandemic. My midwife urged me to stop working early since my job includes being in close proximity to my patients and the hospital where I plan to deliver has strong restrictions for sick people right now.

I just sit around at home and eat. Most days I can at least motivate myself to walk the dogs and clean the house a little.

The weather has been cold and windy most days so it sucks for going outside.

And today we have a clogged sewer line causing water to back up into our basement, so for today, cleaning is out the window.

The pandemic put our remodeling project on hold (no one wants to go into other people's houses) so I can't get the baby's room ready.

And all the birthing websites talk about how now is the time to "pamper" myself by taking a "babymoon," getting a haircut, a massage, a pedicure, etc.... None of which I can do, because all of those businesses are closed due to the virus.

So I just sit at home inside my own head. I should take the opportunity to exercise like crazy. Supposed to help baby come out faster anyway. But I've been feeling super down and it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything.

My goal for only gaining 15 lbs disappeared at the start of the pandemic. I was doing okay until the beginning of March. I've already gained 25 lbs in total (about half of that in the past 7 weeks), and I have perhaps 2 or more weeks to go. I'm hoping baby shows up early. I know that's rare for a first, but it would be really nice to get baby out of me.

I know 25 lbs is not record-breaking weight gain for a pregnancy, many women gain much more, but I was hoping I wouldn't. Feels like failure.

They say the ninth month of pregnancy is the longest month ever, but I would argue it's MUCH longer when the whole country is at a standstill.

Pregnancy Update

I've gained a pound since my last post. That still puts me two pounds below my starting weight.
If I was to gain 15 pounds starting today, that would require a 300 Cal per day surplus. I think I've been getting close to that the past few days. I haven't been counting. I started to the first few weeks but it was driving me mad so I had to stop. Now I just estimate, which is a little scary because I don't want to go overboard.

Also my stomach is starting to protrude a little. I've mostly been hiding it under over-sized sweaters because I don't look pregnant yet, I just look bloated. Ugh. Looking forward to actually looking pregnant. Also my boobs are bigger which is weird to get used to because I've been so small in the chest my whole life.
Rapid body changes are scary.

Thanks for your kind words Lucy, It's hard to take care of myself but I'm trying.

Knocked up

They say to not talk about getting pregnant....

About 6 months ago, husband and I had finally decided that in the next year or so, we would perhaps stop trying to not have kids, and see what happens. I wanted to wait a year so that I had some time to lose weight. Not good to diet while pregnant.

Well, I had started losing when lo and behold.... I accidentally got pregnant in the beginning of August. Yikes.

It was a total shock and to be honest my first thought was "I'm not skinny enough yet".

The advantage I suppose? I'm not overweight, but I've been at the high end of my "normal" BMI for a while, and according to my doctor I only need to gain a minimum of 15 pounds.
What? I totally thought that even if you were overweight, you needed to gain at least 20 pounds.
So 15 is the goal.
Maybe it would be healthier to cut myself some slack, but honestly so many women do that (especially in America) and just go nuts when pregnant and gain like 60 pounds, which also is not healthy. I will not be in that boat.

So I'm almost 3 months pregnant and have so far lost 3 pounds. I've been cautious and slow about it. I'm not starving myself (who am I?). But everything I've read says that it's not unsafe to lose a little weight in your first trimester, and it's actually pretty common as so many women have morning sickness. It won't harm the baby. But I'm nearing the end of my first trimester so soon weight loss will not be considered okay.

I've been trying my best to just get the highest nutrition for the lowest calories possible. The trouble is, I have had a MAJOR sweet tooth and I crave candy all the time (which is atypical for me). Also, I haven't really eaten meat in a few weeks. It doesn't make me sick, but I find it kind of gross. I've mostly been eating a lot of fruit since it seems to mostly satisfy my sweet tooth and is actually nutritious. And then rice and beans for protein.

I've also been fortunate that I've felt good exercising, but most days it's hard to motivate myself to as I've been very tired.

I hope I handle the weight gain okay. My stomach is starting to protrude a little. I'm sure it's not noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. It's simultaneously excited about it and terrified. It's going to be a weird year.

The Midwest

The pro/con of living in the Midwest: I have a false sense of feeling/looking "thin". I was at two different parties on Saturday and I was the thinnest woman there by at least 60 lbs. Some more than 100. On the one hand it made me not want to eat because hi, I don't need to go down that road, but on the other it always seems like women who are bigger care more about how much thinner women are eating or not eating. Like they have to make you eat more to make themselves feel better. I was initially saving my calories for alcohol but when it looked like the only alcohol was Busch Lite (which is so low in alcohol I can't drink it fast enough to get even a slight buzz, even on an empty stomach) I ate some fruit, vegetables, and a split a piece of cake with Husband. Should've skipped all of that because later I found out there was some stronger drink, which I ended up having (obviously) which put me way over my calorie limit. 

I'm going back to the Czech Republic in two weeks and I am about 7 lbs heavier than I was last year. Nothing worse than not seeing a bunch of people for a year and showing up the next year fatter. ESPECIALLY as an American. It's such an embarrassing stereotype. I'm hoping to drop at least the 7 lbs so that I'm at least not fatter.... thinner would've been better but I've had no self-control. IDK what my deal is. To make matters worse, I remember how physically demanding the trip was last year (see a few posts ago) and I'm not in good shape either. Might be time to dig a hole for me.... 

And to add insult, Husband has been loosely dieting for two weeks now and has lost 10 lbs without ANY exercise. Sometimes living with a man is the worst.