Loaded responses

 Tonight Husband and I were talking about weight loss. 

He's been trying to lose weight recently, and had lost a few pounds (five pounds in the last few months maybe?)

Then he weighed himself this morning after three days of a stomach virus and he's down another eight pounds. 

And he was talking about how it's a bummer because he'd like to just keep gradually losing weight after he feels better but said it doesn't work that way. 

I reminded him about the time I had the flu when I was in school and lost weight but then kept it going (which you can read about in my February 15, 2013 and March 15, 2013 posts), and he said "Yeah, I remember that"

Eleven years ago, and he still remembers.

Because what husband doesn't remember when their wife looked better than she does now, and continued to improve?

I need to lose weight. If for no other reason than my husband deserves better. 

Also, he currently weighs more than me, but now only by about 15 pounds (we are the same height). We've been close to each other in weight but I have never weighed more than he has at any one time and I do not intend to let that change now.  

Stomach flu

 Everyone in my family currently has the stomach flu. 

And I have a head cold. 

I'm exhausted and taking care of everyone else. 

I normally don't mind taking care of my family when they are sick. And they're obviously much sicker than I am, I should be the one taking care of them. 

But all I can think is 

a) When does someone take care of me?

b) Why can't I be the one puking all day and not eating? 

Selfish. 

Twice this year

Over the past few days I have gone back and re-read my entire blog. Crazy. 

And I realized 2023 was the first calendar year in which I hadn't posted since 2011! Wild. But I had a toddler and a newborn so.... also not surprising. Very much just surviving that year. 

I was definitely a lot younger in 2011! Cringing at some of my earliest posts. And it was a weird walk down memory lane as I've also been deleting old photos off my phone (I'm terrible at deleting photos) so seeing pictures of myself from 2016 while also reading my blog posts from back then made me feel like I was back there. 

Which is strange. What would future me tell me now? Because I felt simultaneously jealous of 2016 me (she was much thinner than I am) and sad for her (she was so unhealthy). So much I want to say to her.

Which isn't to say I'm healthy now. Just in a very different head space. Maybe a better one?

Even looking back to posts from a year after my daughter was born... That was such a hard time. No sleep, earliest days of the pandemic, trouble breastfeeding, weight gain, isolation. I don't think I gave myself enough credit at the time for how hard that stage of life was. 

Even just sleep deprivation. Husband and I were talking about that the other night. Shortly after our son started sleeping through the night our daughter went through a sleep regression and we were up with her almost every night for months. It's hard to go years without sleep. I frequently would remark to Husband that there's a reason sleep deprivation is used to torture prisoners. 

But as of about a month ago, both kids are sleeping through the night almost every night. It makes such a big difference in mental and physical health.

I also left my job last year. With the astronomical cost of childcare and the fact that Husband's job doesn't allow him to be able to help much if the kids are sick, or a sitter is sick, or something comes up and I was constantly having to take off work (and then give half my paycheck to the sitter when I did work) it was just less stressful for our home in general if I stopped working. 

It was definitely the right move, but I do miss my job. And I feel selfish sometimes expressing that because I have so many close friends that would LOVE to stay home with their kids but they're either divorced, or their husbands don't make enough money, or they're struggling to even have kids. 

I know I'm fortunate, but as someone whose identity was so wrapped up in their job for so long, it's hard to let go, even if not permanently. But the years, they do fly by.

I've thought about posting here more regularly to try to keep myself accountable, I'm just not quite sure accountable for what.  Restricting? Drinking? I don't know. Maybe just to get some thoughts out.

I'm considering posting my weight on here but it's so high (though not my highest) that it feels shameful. 

Even though the reason it was so high was not primarily because I gave birth, or because of the pandemic, those happened to coincide with the weight gain so it looks like it from the outside. 

No, the weight gain was from coming face to face with my daughter. I knew my habits were terrible, and as they say "more is caught than taught". I wanted to "heal" my relationship with food. 

I was inspired by Stephanie Buttermore's "all in" journey (on YouTube if you look her up)

I wasn't "underweight" and obviously hadn't lost my period (hi, gave birth) but I was cold and exhausted all the time (which you can see in my posts from 2015-2017) and knew I was restricting to an unhealthy level. Why else would I keep my blog a secret?? 

But I wanted to see what would happen if I gave myself unlimited permission to eat. Whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. 

Well, I gained almost 30 pounds in a few months. 

Which was pretty devastating at the time but I was determined to see it through. No restricting. 

But after a few months, my hunger subsided. I wasn't craving anything or tempted to binge. I started to eat a normal amount of food and feel full. And I stopped gaining weight. Then after a few months, I started losing weight. Slowly, but losing. Like one or two pounds per month. Which is all pretty much on track with most people who do the "all in" thing. 

The only thing that changed was when I started intermittent fasting for my gut/skin health. I started losing weight a little more rapidly (tho not extremely) and it felt good. It brought up old memories of fasting highs, lightheaded feelings, secrets. Maybe that's part of what I have been missing too. Something that's just mine. 

I don't get out enough. I'm home with my kids all the time, which again, I'm over all very thankful for, but I have definitely lost some of myself in it. 

Husband encourages me to get together with friends but my friends are so busy too it's practically impossible. It takes a lot for me to reach out and ask someone to hang out and when I do and they say they are too busy I just shrink back a little more. 

Restricting feels like an old friend. 

I keep telling myself not to go down the rabbit hole. I've made a lot of progress. A healthy relationship with food (which once seemed completely impossible) doesn't feel entirely out of reach.  

Future me would probably tell me to call a friend or go for a walk. But restricting is easier. At least at the moment. 

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Also, thank you for your comments Bella and Lucy, I've wanted to comment on your blogs now that I'm back (as well as a couple of people who hadn't posted in about five years and are back!) but blogger isn't letting me comment. it keeps saying I'm not signed in (even tho I obviously am, I'm posting). Anyone else ever had this issue?

This may become a sobriety blog

 Still here. Life is just so busy it's hard to get on here much anymore. 

Weight still fluctuates. Not uncommon after having a baby. Lose some, gain some, lose some. 

I'm down to my lowest weight since having my daughter, but not as low as I was before she was born. Very close though. 

Alcohol is my biggest issue TBH. I'm not a super heavy drinker by modern standards, but three drinks is enough to spark a binge and that's the problem. I typically only drink on Friday and Saturday nights these days, but I always end up having more than I want to and then I eat too much and just over all feel like garbage for the next two days. I really want to give it up entirely but it's so ingrained into our lifestyle that that feels impossible. 

I've been playing around with intermittent fasting. Not the every day kind (like 16:8 or whatever) but longer fasts less often. Mostly for my gut/skin health. 

I was on antibiotics when my son was born (just realizing I haven't posted since I had him... had a boy! He's wonderful and healthy and happy and now over a year old, and I have much to be thankful for).

Being two weeks past my due date and having a few complications near the end, I opted for another c-section. Had antibiotics for that. Then my incision came open in the hospital and I had to have it re-stitched and cauterized and was then on 24 hours of IV antibiotics to address that... but it got infected anyway and I was on another week of antibiotics after that. Then last fall I had pneumonia and was on prednisone and MORE antibiotics..... All of this resulting in dyshidrotic eczema (yay for painful itchy blisters on my hands and feet!) and in researching how to deal with that I've learned a lot more about intermittent fasting (I had learned some in the past from some continuing education I had to do for my professional license) and decided to try a 24 water fast, then about a month later a 40 hour water fast, and about a month later a 48 hour water fast. I'm amazed at how much better my skin is after each fast. 

I know in this space fasting is so common but I honestly feel like in the past I don't know how much full fasting I did. I would usually eat some cucumbers and an egg or something even on days I was keeping my calories below 300. But just water (and I add in a couple of cups of peppermint tea) for a couple days with no vegetables or anything? I don't know. I'd honestly have to look at old blog posts to see if I have done that in the past. I had so many bizarre habits that it's entirely possible I went multiple days without anything at all but I can't remember. I know I usually ended up having to eat something socially in the past. 

But fasting for other health reasons (and my husband of course knows about the eczema) is much more socially acceptable than for weight loss reasons (though weight loss has come with it).

The biggest challenge is communicating it to my daughter. I don't want her to have a lot of childhood memories of "mom not eating". She has such a great relationship with food, she loves everything (she ate a plate of grilled salmon, broccoli, and gnocchi for dinner tonight and loved every bite) and eats to fuel herself and I want that for her. But I also feel like I need to model that and it's hard when we all eat dinner together and "mom isn't eating". At her age, I just tell her it's because "mommy's tummy doesn't feel good" and she's fine with that, and when she's much older I'm comfortable with having conversations about intermittent fasting and how to do it in a healthy way, but at her young age I know it's only really coming across as "mom's not eating". Ugh. Tricky waters to navigate. 

Alcohol:
Flares up my eczema
Is full of empty calories
Leads to excessive eating
Ruins my sleep
Makes me feel like garbage for days after drinking it
Costs a lot of money

It's funny how people I know or have read about who have stopped drinking say people give them a lot of flack for it. 
Whenever I meet someone who doesn't drink, the only thing I think is "lucky".

But still a partake. Hopefully by my next update I'll be done drinking. 

Past my due date

Just like last time, baby is past due.

Baby has measured large this whole time. Currently estimating over nine and a half pounds, plus apparently large babies have more amniotic fluid so my abdomen feels like it's going to explode. It also looks like it. 

I gained more weight with my daughter than this pregnancy, but got fewer stretch marks last time. I've only gained about 16 pounds total this pregnancy but the stretch marks started when I had only gained 6 pounds. Meanwhile people like my sister or friend who delivered twins can gain over 40 pounds and not get any stretch marks. 

I've used every recommended moisturizer and then some, hydrated, eaten healthy foods.... Still going to look like a deflated balloon for the rest of my life. 

Hating my body. Not just how it looks, but functions as well. My body doesn't produce much relaxin while pregnant so my cervix never dilates, my breasts don't develop so I can't breastfeed very well (don't let anyone tell you breastfeeding is purely "supply and demand"... there's A LOT more to it than that). I always wanted 3-5 kids but I don't think I can birth another one. My body wasn't made for this and I hate it. I wish adoption wasn't so expensive but then again this is probably God's way of telling me I probably shouldn't be a mother anyway.

I'm sure anyone who has struggled to conceive would call me selfish, and maybe I am, but this sucks and I hate myself. 

Quick update

 22 weeks in. No weight gain yet. I realize that even if I gain a pound a week from now until my due date, it would only be about 18 pounds. Since I lost somewhere close to 25 pounds just giving birth to my daughter, even if I only gained the 18 and then lost 18, I wouldn't have a net gain which would be VERY good. As of a few days ago, I was thinking it was realistic that I might be able to only gain the necessary ten pounds (since my starting weight is high enough, I don't need to gain much) but the past 72 hours I have been INSATIABLY hungry. Agh! 

Feeling like it could get too easy to go overboard. 

I have a close friend who only gained ten pounds her whole pregnancy and then lost 20 in labor/delivery and was a glorious ten pounds thinner than her pre-pregnancy weight when she had a newborn. 

That would certainly help take the edge off of all of the other newborn struggles. To not have any extra "baby weight" while you're sleep-deprived and stagnant those first couple of months. 

Another year gone by

 I can't believe it's been another year since my last post. Where does the time go?

I've often wanted to post on here but I am pretty much always either working or with my daughter so the opportunities are rare. 

After my last post, I gained another ten pounds. Mostly from alcohol. Then, last fall I got shingles IN my MOUTH (I didn't even know you could get shingles in your mouth) and was on my couch in excruciating pain for a week and literally could not eat for a week. I sipped bone broth for a little protein but that was the most I could get. I probably had about 400 calories a day for a week straight and lost seven pounds (plus another 5 pounds of water weight but that came back as soon as I ate again). It made me feel good, and since I had been on so many painkillers that week I was motivated to not drink for a while for the sake of my liver and I lost another 7 pounds in the next seven weeks. 

I haven't lost much since then, spring weather and a decrease in covid cases meant more socializing which meant more eating and drinking, but I haven't gained anything in while. 

Which is especially good since.... I'm pregnant again. 

My daughter is AMAZING and hilarious and wonderful so the thought of having another is exciting, but the weight is scaring me. I sometimes wonder what would've happened with no pandemic. I didn't gain much weight until the last month of my pregnancy when the world was shut down and I couldn't even go to work. 

I know most of my weight gain came AFTER she was born, but I still had ten extra pounds on me immediately following her birth.  

I'm three months in and haven't gained anything yet, so I'm off to a good start, but since I had recently lost some weight, was hoping to lose more before getting pregnant again. Oh well. We work with what we've got. 

And I'm always working on it.